8.05.2005

Crap, now I'm famous

They finally got me. I spent the last 6 years of my life doing my absolute best to avoid them, and today they got me.

I'm going to be in the promotional material.

Every year the photographers run around in a frenzy, lassoing unfortunate employees and making them pose in all kind of ridiculous ways. As a full-timer, I could usually invent an excuse to get away. ("Sorry, I have to go to a meeting." "Can't help you, in the middle of a big project." "Oops, can't, I have a pelvic exam to go to.")

The poor student employees, on the other hand, have no defense. They're just offered up like sacrificial lambs or cattle. It's especially bad for those with any hint of non-white ethnicity. The higher-ups are onto them like nobody's business. And no, don't even get me started. I still work here, so it would be best not to. On a selfish note, the frenzy to find and photograph ethnic diversity usually helps me in my quest to remain away from the camera. "What, you can't find another blond-haired blue-eyed person around here?"

But today, less than two months before my termination date, they got me. These two earnest little student photographers needed someone to pretend to be an instructor. I tried to protest but came off sounding rude and nasty. Then I felt bad, so I left the big guns (gynecological disorders) alone and agreed to do it in the hope that they wouldn't spend the rest of their lives thinking about what a horrible horrible person that one shrill witch was.

Of course, they would ask on the day when I haven't showered, have awful piled-up-on-my-head hair, and just got back from slapping on the barest amount of makeup in the women's restroom. Also I'm pretty sure my shirt and pants don't match.

They set me up at a table with a world geography textbook and a highlighter, and I had to pretend to be a teacher looking through the book, planning out the geographical horrors I would be soon inflicting on defenseless students everywhere. I tried to look appropriately dictatorial, but kept lusting after the pictures. "Mmmm . . . New Zealand . . ." "Mmm . . . Fiji . . . . "

Finally, we were done.

"Hey, so you guys have Photoshop, right?"

"Oh yeah. We'll take care of your face."

Great.

8 comments:

ambrosia ananas said... [reply]

Hahahaha. Maybe they'll plaster you on a billboard near the freeway.

I mean, um, that's terrible. I am terribly, terribly sorry you had to go through that. But not as sorry as I'd be if they'd snared me.

Streets of Belfast said... [reply]

No make-up, hair thrown up, non-matching close...I think you sound like someone with a PhD

Cicada said... [reply]

So I never have made it out to one of those photo shoots either. While I was on my mission, I made a new year's goal to get thin and pretty and look like the lusty underwear models on all of Italy's billboards (hey---just because I'm a missionary doesn't mean that I'm not a woman who wants to look good in panties!). So at the end of the year, I definitely did not look like an underwear model, but I got a letter from a friend who told me that I was on one of IS's billboards near the freeway. I didn't see how it was possible, but she was very insistent that it was me.

So I thought that I had accomplished at least part of my goal.

Except then it turned out that I was totally right, and no, I was never on any billboard.

Can they fix your obesity problem in photoshop?

Nemesis said... [reply]

If they can fix my face, I should hope they can do something about my fat bottom as well. Otherwise what's the use of techology?

BYU Zoobie #1 said... [reply]

I prefer your style Nemesis. We all have days where the no makeup and no time for a shower make us think less of ourselves, I think you're perfectly normal. I have days where makeup is out the window or to a bare minimum due to time constraints. I would however worry if you spent hours and hours and gobs and gobs of makeup just to look what society would call "pretty". The truth is those people don't know what true beauty is.

Desmama said... [reply]

They really said they'd take care of your face? Oh please no. Tell me that was literary liberty you were taking. I am always astounded by social clods.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Okay, maybe it was a slight literary liberty. What they really said was, "Oh yeah, we can take the red out of your face." Only I didn't know if they meant that they thought I was blushing or if they meant they would erase out my zits.

Either way, they are dead to me.

daltongirl said... [reply]

Maybe your billboard and Lance's billboard can get together and date each other.

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