It is time

I must speak to you about the men.

And no, this is not the part where I start making the exciting announcements that some people have been making lately. Have I mentioned that I'm very happy for both of these amazing girls? Because I am, even if those announcement do tend to somehow serve as yet another reminder that I will die alone, and that the closest I've been to any action in, like, years, was that time on Sunday when the Scrunchie Lady kept pawing at my lap. Oh! And the closest I've been to dating happened today when I was walking down the sidewalk and some jock yelled, "Oi, b*tch!" out his car window. I bear him no ill will, though. He'll get what's coming to him, preferably in the form of a bull moose through his windshield.

So. The men. Lots and lots and lots of them are jaw-droppingly handsome, with gorgeous spiky hair and these really great ribbed sweaters and accents that make my knees go weak. I have to not listen to what they're saying, though, otherwise that ruins the spell, since it's almost always about how drunk they just were, how drunk they now are, or how drunk they plan to be in the very near future. Charming. And it's so sad, too, because they're all so cute, but it's not like I'm going to drink with them or smoke with them or have sex with them or wear those goshawful mini skirts with the black leggings like the little fresher girls will (no lie, people. Black. Leggings.). So it's like this lost cause from the beginning, because I'm not going to wear the leggings. I'm just not.

I've been keeping an eye out for cute guys at church, because, let's face it, that's pretty much the pool from which I can reasonably fish, if fishing is to be done. There are some cute ones. They're all about 5 years younger than me, but they are cute. And hey, they don't need to know how old I am.

There's also a guy in my program who kind of baffles me. He's from Pocatello Idaho and went to Utah State, so he knows about the Mormons, even if he isn't one. He seems very confused as to why a "good little Mormon girl" would want to come live in England for a year. (Hello, who wouldn't want to live in England for a year?) I think he wonders if my leaving Utah is a form of rebellion, and that I secretly plan to go hog-wild, much like Amish youths who are sent out for a taste of Babylon. Yesterday he offered to take me pub crawling, and I don't know if he was serious or not. So yeah, not sure what to make of that. He lives with his girlfriend, though, so I doubt he has any personal reasons for wanting to get me sloppy drunk.

Yesterday, just after the pub crawl invite, we had this conversation.

Idaho: So what are Mormon guys like?

Me, before thinking: Pathetic.

Only then I had to backtrack and explain that not all Mormon men are pathetic souls who are more interested in sitting at home and playing computer games rather than dating me. It just feels that way sometimes. About the guys my age. Sometimes. Not that I'm a social butterfly myself, but there's only so much a girl can do. Yeah.

Finally I talked myself into a corner.

Me: But hey, you went to Utah State. I'm sure you knew tons of Mormon guys.

Idaho: Well, I didn't date any of them.

Me: Ah, true point. I wouldn't recommend it.

So tomorrow night there's a Young Single Adult dance over in Birmingham that supposedly gets a good turnout. We'll see how that goes, or if I should just start chasing down the frat boys now.


redlaw said... [reply]

Oh Nemesis,

I feel your pain, believe me, I do. When I moved to SLC from my midwestern city, I thought, "Finally, I will be able to date some quality, morally-upstanding men."

But it hasn't happened and I think I feel worse out here than I did back home. Mormon men, what little I know about them, seem to need a lot of prodding to make any move. And, actually, men in general seem to be a bit lame these days - it's like dating has been banished and we're all left to wander around, alone.

Here's to hoping that you, me, and every other wonderful girl out there, find the men we deserve.

And if not, I am packing my bags and traveling the world, cuz I refuse to let any man or lack thereof keep me down!

Coop said... [reply]

Go with the frat boys. The first taste of beer is the worst, I hear. At least their accent will be cool.

Stupidramblings said... [reply]

OH Nemesis!

I do pity your situation, since you are surrounded all day by eye candy. Even if the eye candy has an alcoholic-liquid center. I don't recommend the frat boys either. Frat boys from any culture can be just scary.

Stick with the blog. Love it. Caress it. Tell it all your troubles. It won't judge you based on your petty problems, it always thinks you are a 10 and it is always there when you have a hard day.

Or you can go to that dance. Either way, what do I care?

There IS France, just down the line...


Sarita said... [reply]

I. Feel. Your. Pain.

I do.

Julie said... [reply]

Hmmm not sure about the idea of dancing with a blog, or going out with any of the cute 'frat' boys. I have watched a programme called booze britain and it is not pretty. These people don't seem to know that a good time can be had without it (or even in moderation). Listen to me, middle aged woman that I am (though about 25 inside).

Any prospect of touring Mormon churches of England? After all you could write a book and get rich on it; just an idea.

kristen said... [reply]

Just one cat a way from an old spinster.......I can definitely relate to that. So sorry you haven't met a dashing English bloake who reads you poetry and feeds you lucious chocolates. It's like that saying "Men are like parking spaces--all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped". Is it too much to ask to find a guy that's intelligent, educated, successful, spiritual, and even partially funny? I guess so! At least you're not approaching 30 and settling into your first house as a single person. We can die alone together.

I echo a previous comment: at least you have your blog. I know it doesn't keep you warm at night but it least you can depend on it.

Cicada said... [reply]

Basically burst out laughing when I read that you said Mormon men are pathetic. Would that it weren't true!

Miss Hass said... [reply]

I'm thisclose to getting a cat myself. When you finish school, do you want to move in with me? And then our cats can be friends.

Kelly said... [reply]

Well, if it's any consolation, which I know it isn't since I know how it feels, up until about 8 weeks ago I thought I was done and off the market and should just settle down with some cats. Actually, I'd decided that I might be ok with being a career woman. Then the boy shows up. Of course there's no guarantee that the boy will be here forever because, realistically, it's only been 8 weeks, but it would be nice.

My point is sometimes a great boy will broadside you when you least expect it. Like the iceberg and the Titanic. Um, yeah.

At least you have lovely men with lovely accents. I just spent 3 very single years in Boston where all the men are just as tall as me or just a scoche shorter and say things like "Pahk the cah" and "Hahvahd Yahd." It really is an ugly, ugly accent.

jaime said... [reply]

I'll say it again...I feel your pain! I was talking with a guy from work a while back, and he asked how old I was. I told him, and pretty much all in the same breath he said, "Wow! That's old...do you have cats?" I quickly said, "No, I'm allergic." I almost hit him, but instead walked away. But, the truth is...as birthday #30 fast approaches, I think I probably would have cats if I wasn't allergic. It's very sad, really. And that is all I have to say about it! :)

Streets of Belfast said... [reply]

Well, in the tradition of breaking my news on blogs, I've decided to return to the world of singledom. You know the relationship just might not be going anywhere good when your guy goes out of town for a week and you find yourself really excited for some alone time. I mean walking down the street with a huge smile on one's face when one realises that he won't be waiting for you when you get home excited. Another sign: the realisation that the constant arguing over politics is not the thing that should hold you together as a couple.

No worries about me though as I am already making the move to move on. In fact, I was thinking that if the whole Boston-Virginia thing could work for some people, why not the England (where are you?)-Belfast thing for you? Which brings me to a very important question, what level of terrorist are you comfortable with? And if we call him a freedom fighter, does that make a difference?

Above all remember that as my High Counsellor told me on Wednesday evening, sampling the men over here is an important part of sampling the culture.

Panini said... [reply]

Handsome with Accents...ahhh!! You must have to practice so much self-control!

I've been waiting for this topic. So glad you finally posted about them! Too bad about the drunk part.

What do you dislike about Mormon guys? Didn't realize you had this particular aversion...or is it just the whole hanging-out scene they're so adept at?

Grumbee said... [reply]

On behalf of all pathetic Mormon guys everywhere, we're sorry! You'd think being a "Mormon" guy might help, especially since we're usually not sloppy drunk, but it doesn't. All I can say is hang in there....even though Eve was the only girl in the garden, it still took some time before Adam got the hint!

Just a thought, but maybe you should try a little accent of your own! (you know what I'm talking about)

LE said... [reply]

Oy. I'm sorry about the guys. British men are fabulous... from a distance. Up close, they decline in quality somewhat. And get used to the hollering from a moving vehicle thing; it seems to be their version of a lousy pickup line, only they don't stick around to hear the answer. It is bizzare how while I was there, men would honk as I walked down the street, or say dirty things when they passed, and somehow it was okay in their minds. And I don't even consider myself a very attractive girl. I just chose to ignore it.

And enjoy the dance in Birmingham. You never know what may happen. At the very least, you have the novelty of being someone new.

daltongirl said... [reply]

Oh! I almost forgot to tell you! A friend of mine met a fabulous man in Birmingham. They're married now, and he's just wonderful. So there you have it.

This was like, fifteen years ago, and he may have been the last fabulous man there, but I'm sure new ones have had time to grow up, so good luck with that.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Redlaw, yeah they need prodding, which is why I'm asking for a taser this year for Christmas.

Coop, thanks for the encouraging words. I'll get right on that.

Stupid, you are right. I should try the French boys. I bet they wouldn't annoy me as much if I only caught a third of what they were saying.

Sarita--I know you do. I feel yours, too!

Thanks Julie--I've decided not to have a serious relationship with my blog just yet! And I really should write a book on something and get rich. That would really agree with me, I think!

Kristen, I would be honored to come and die in your new beautiful house with the fixtures and the upgrades.

Cici--seriously. Love your haircut!!

Hass, count me in. Only I'll have to get a dog instead of a cat, because there's only room for one stuck-up Princess in my world.

Kelly, good call on the accents. Yikes.

Jaime, you should have hit that guy! I think if hitting were a consequence more people would keep their traps shut.

Streets, wow! We will email more on this, but so far your reasons sound good. And as for my new FF boyfriend, do you mean that he's a freedom fighter through the written word in the manner of Thomas Jefferson or that he's a freedom-fighter in the manner of a football hooligan who throw small bombs at police officers?

Panini, I don't hate Mormon boys. I just hate that sometimes they're pathetic.

Grumbeer, that Adam/Eve thing is one of the stranger things I've ever read. Thanks for the tip on the accent, but my experience has been that it doesn't automatically guarantee success, you know?

Seriously, le. Do they think that you're going to be so turned on by their suggestion that you'll sprint after their car and start making out with them?

Daltongirl, you have comforted me marvelous much.

Chris said... [reply]

Must... Stick... Up... For... Mormon... Men...

Don't taser us all, because of a few bad examples.

Some do date, some take time away from thier pinball machines to interact with the opposite sex. No matter how much I've tried, I can't cuddle with a video game.

In the end, I still think it's because of the retartded active boy/girl ratio in the church.

When I discovered this year, that girls like to date, and for the most part, are willing to interact with me, I started to date up a storm, and have a fun time. While girls are not busy being disgusted with boys, they are fun to be with.

Hold off on the Cat/Dog. You're Smart, You're Sassy and some smart, witty, recently tasered boy will realize that.

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