Word of warning

The packaged sandwiches here can make you want to kill people. Or, I should say, the ones available yesterday in the library cafe made me want to kill people.

Every single one of them is gooey and contains mayo, usually as the main ingredient to which the other ingredients (like meat or cheese) are added.

Some of you may read this and go, "Great! I love mayo!" My dad, for instance, has been known to grab a jar of Miracle Whip and make an entire sandwich with just huge gobs of Miracle Whip in it. This usually makes me want to dry heave, but hey, I guess if dinner's late (and you're nasty) that's what you have to do. (Love you, Dad! And this is not me putting your personal life on the Internet, okay?)

So anyway, back to me and my problems in the cafe. I'm hungry, I don't have a lot of money, I don't have time to go somewhere else because I have to get back to work, and my only choices are these horrible sandwiches that are all soggy & gooey & mayo-based. Tuna & sweetcorn mixed w/mayo. Chicken salad mixed w/mayo. Cheese & spring onion mixed w/mayo. Ploughman slathered in mayo. You get the idea. The only non-mayo sandwich was ham & mustard, which didn't appeal either. In the end I went for the cheese & spring onion & fresh tomato mixed w/mayo sandwich. I could only force down half, and I only did that because I needed calories.

I really wanted to just let everyone have it, though.

"AAARRRGGGHHH! What is with you people and the sandwiches? All this time--all this time I've been defending your cuisine! Defending it, I tell you! I've sworn up and down that no, your food is really great, and that I don't even mind things like boiled Brussel sprouts! And after all this you can't even give me a flipping sandwich that is not the equivalent of eating phleghm between two pieces of bread!?!? AAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!"

But then the calories started kicking in, and I turned in a paper, and had a lovely choc ice, which is something that is really good about living here, and I started to feel like a normal person who wasn't on the brink of taking a semi-automatic weapon up a tower. And tonight I'm going to see The Deranged Marriage, and it will be lovely.

Crisis averted for now.


Grumbee said... [reply]

My favorite is the mayo with the thin slice of uncooked bacon. I think my heart actually stopped for 3 seconds when I ate it. So it's not just and English thing, it's a European packaged sandwich thing. Though you may want to carry around one of those portable defibrillators in case you're REALLY hungry.

Savvymom said... [reply]

I'm telling you, quit sticking up for people who ruin perfectly good food. It makes you look crazy.

LE said... [reply]

Ugh. You're right--the mayo obsession was my least favorite thing about England. That and the mushy peas. Gross.
Really, just stay away from the packaged sandwiches. And my least favorite one was the smoked salmon slathered in mayo. Urch.

daltongirl said... [reply]

Okay, you need to be more clear. Are you talking about Miracle Whip, or mayonnaise? Because they are two totally different things. It's like saying lard (which is congealed hog fat) and butter (which is derived from cow's milk) are the same. They're not. Miracle Whip is disgusting (sorry savvyg'pa). Mayonnaise is wonderful. In very, very small amounts.

Either way, you have a very significant problem here. I suggest you get the sandwich that has removable mayo on it (not mixed into some salad). Scrape off as much as possible. You may even want to smear the leftover stuff on the deli counter as a passive-agressive way of teaching them not to use so much. That should help in a number of ways.

I love Brussels sprouts, btw. Mmmm.

JB said... [reply]

Um, I wasn't that impressed with their food over there. I hated the (few) pre-packaged sandwiches I did get, but not just for mayo content. They all tasted weird (read: gross) to me. Before I went to England I thought they had a bad rep. with regard to food because they didn't season right or enough.

Then I actually lived there and realised (sic) that they just use too much seasoning. So much that instead of helping bring out the natural flavor of foods they drown any natural flavor it had. I think your mayo situation is related to that over-seasoning thing. But they sure do know how to make desserts. Mmmm, chocolate cake covered in treacle....

Streets of Belfast said... [reply]

Maybe this is a Belfast thing, but gravy on everything? Why would I want gravy on my corn? And I must stand up for packaged sandwiches from Marks & Spencer, especially the Ploughman and the brie, grape, and cranberry sandwiches--of course I don't believe that mayo is used in the creation of either of these creations.

Julie said... [reply]

What makes you think the resident brits actually like the mayo thing? Or the fact that sandwiches bought in places like your library cafe taste of a plastic gooey mess. I think though that the sandwiches in my uni are better than yours (sorry, that doesn't help). Maybe you need to take in a picnic: you can get a nice little cool bag thing in somewhere like ARGOS and then you could bring in something nice and would still be nice by lunchtime.

redlaw said... [reply]

Yeah, I would go to Boots when I was there and get their packaged sandwiches because they seemed to have the least amount of mayo (is that what it is? Could have sworn it was like a secret sauce or something...yech). But yeah, I find the packaged salads and whatnot to be better than the sandwiches...but that's just me.

CoolMom said... [reply]

Welp, thanks to GB and DG, there are no shortage of laughs today. Thanks for the cadio/bladder workout. Which reminds me of my good little utah friend who rubbed a cupcake all over the door handle of a parked car after it stole a parking place that she had been waiting for. Another reason to keep a supply of fresh baked goods in your car at all times.

BTW, dearest, I still want that lunch bag thing from Harrods. It's black/silver vinyl colored thing and says "Harrods" on the front. I nice size, please for carrying lunch plus mail/etc.

Kelly said... [reply]

I am a big fan of Miracle Whip, thanks to my Nana, but the idea of a Miracle Whip sandwich gives me the heebie-jeebies. No offense to your dad.

April said... [reply]

When I was a little girl, I had a babysitter whose idea of lunch was Wonder Bread with mayo or saltine crackers with butter. *shudder*

Panini said... [reply]

Grodo burger! They won't let you special request...no mayo? You poor thing. That's just revolting and wrong.

Anonymous said... [reply]

When I was a child, I spake as a child...

I must interject and bring sanity back into the universe with respect to Miracle Whip vs. mayo. First, you must notice Miracle Whip is a proper noun; mayo is just an ordinary noun. Miracle Whip is for sandwiches - mayo is used in tuna fish, potato salad, etc. The refined palate appreciates and glories in this distinction. No offense... but I don't expect this brie eating audience to understand.

Miss Nem - hats off to your father, who is obviously a connoiseur of sandwich spread. I hope he's not too terribly disappointed that his daughter dissed him.

Limon said... [reply]

On the poorer days as a child, I use to eat sandwiches containing solely:
1. mayonaisse
2. potato chips

I don't know what sort of deficiency calls for a craving like that. A fat deficiency?

Cicada said... [reply]

Geez. Now I'm starting to believe that Limon WAS overweight as a child...

But yeah. Gross. And I'm sorry. I'm all for the scraping off plan.

FoxyJ said... [reply]

I don't like packaged sandwiches from any country--a sandwich needs to be freshly prepared to be good. If you go to Spain, you can get a sandwich with potato salad in it. Yum.

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