The things brainwashed child brides do for love . . .

I didn't write this next bit. It came off imdb news, which I know I should never ever read because it's made up at worst and completely exaggerated at best and does nothing to make the world a kinder and less tawdry place, but this still gave me a huge chuckle. Here's the latest on what that Dawson's River kid is up to.

Mom-to-be Katie Holmes is reportedly gearing up for the silent birth of her first child after Scientologists were spotted carrying signs into her home, reminding her to keep quiet during labor. The actress, 26, is awaiting the arrival of her baby with fiance Tom Cruise any day now at their Beverly Hills, California mansion. Since she began dating Cruise last April, Holmes has abandoned her Catholic beliefs to become a Scientologist like Cruise. Late Scientology creator L. Ron Hubbard urged mothers to keep as quiet as possible during labor so they do not traumatize the child. On Monday, huge placards saying, "Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable," were carried into the couple's home, to be displayed around the house to remind Holmes to deal with the extreme pain of childbirth quietly. Last year, Cruise attempted to appease outraged critics of the bizarre birthing method, insisting Holmes can make a little noise. He said, "There have been misinterpretations that the woman can't make any noise, and that's just not true. It's nutty. No, but just calm and quiet. I want Katie to be as comfortable as possible."

So, um, my question would be what happens when she is in labor and finally stands up on the table and demands an epidural and threatens to rip Tom Cruise's head off and eat it if she doesn't get one? If she's smart she'll have an anaesthesiologist hiding in the house somewhere, pretending to be a domestic servant of some kind, and then he or she can do his or her thing before the killings start.

When/If I have a baby, I will most likely be an Epidural All the Way kind of a girl, on account of I got this hangnail on my thumb a couple of days ago that hurt real bad, and even though it didn't look any different from the other thumb I was pretty much in constant pain and not sure how I could even continue to cope, and wondered why people weren't just looking at me, perceiving that I was in pain, coming up with the drugs. This makes me think that maybe, possibly, my pain threshold will not allow me to attempt The Natural Childbirth. So instead I think I'll ask them to start the epidural a few days before my due date. And if they say no then I could always get the stuff on Ebay and stockpile it at my house and find a black market anaesthesiologist (preferably whoever Katie's getting) to come hook me up.

Whew. Glad I've got that sorted. Best of luck to you, Katie. And since you're going to be hating life real soon here, I will not be the one to tell you that Tom Cruise may be hot, but he's not THAT hot.