3.28.2006

The things brainwashed child brides do for love . . .

I didn't write this next bit. It came off imdb news, which I know I should never ever read because it's made up at worst and completely exaggerated at best and does nothing to make the world a kinder and less tawdry place, but this still gave me a huge chuckle. Here's the latest on what that Dawson's River kid is up to.

Mom-to-be Katie Holmes is reportedly gearing up for the silent birth of her first child after Scientologists were spotted carrying signs into her home, reminding her to keep quiet during labor. The actress, 26, is awaiting the arrival of her baby with fiance Tom Cruise any day now at their Beverly Hills, California mansion. Since she began dating Cruise last April, Holmes has abandoned her Catholic beliefs to become a Scientologist like Cruise. Late Scientology creator L. Ron Hubbard urged mothers to keep as quiet as possible during labor so they do not traumatize the child. On Monday, huge placards saying, "Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable," were carried into the couple's home, to be displayed around the house to remind Holmes to deal with the extreme pain of childbirth quietly. Last year, Cruise attempted to appease outraged critics of the bizarre birthing method, insisting Holmes can make a little noise. He said, "There have been misinterpretations that the woman can't make any noise, and that's just not true. It's nutty. No, but just calm and quiet. I want Katie to be as comfortable as possible."

So, um, my question would be what happens when she is in labor and finally stands up on the table and demands an epidural and threatens to rip Tom Cruise's head off and eat it if she doesn't get one? If she's smart she'll have an anaesthesiologist hiding in the house somewhere, pretending to be a domestic servant of some kind, and then he or she can do his or her thing before the killings start.

When/If I have a baby, I will most likely be an Epidural All the Way kind of a girl, on account of I got this hangnail on my thumb a couple of days ago that hurt real bad, and even though it didn't look any different from the other thumb I was pretty much in constant pain and not sure how I could even continue to cope, and wondered why people weren't just looking at me, perceiving that I was in pain, coming up with the drugs. This makes me think that maybe, possibly, my pain threshold will not allow me to attempt The Natural Childbirth. So instead I think I'll ask them to start the epidural a few days before my due date. And if they say no then I could always get the stuff on Ebay and stockpile it at my house and find a black market anaesthesiologist (preferably whoever Katie's getting) to come hook me up.

Whew. Glad I've got that sorted. Best of luck to you, Katie. And since you're going to be hating life real soon here, I will not be the one to tell you that Tom Cruise may be hot, but he's not THAT hot.

16 comments:

amyjane said... [reply]

I have no words. What a bunch of freaks. Don't they realize that being squished down the birth canal will traumatize the baby anyway? Why do you think they come out screaming!
Also, epidurals are wonderful and I have a testimony that they are true. Just saying. I did three and a half hours "naturally" and it was crap. I didn't know you could feel pain like that. I should have asked for the meds much earlier. So, you get that anesthesiologist lined right up. Today.

goldilocks said... [reply]

you know, growing up I always thought epidurals were called "epidermals" which is sorta close...ok maybe not. But, at least it's a word.

so nem, my bro-in-law happens to be an anesthesiologist. I'll hook you up.

CBH said... [reply]

And you have to remember that Tom totally left Nicole Kidmen after seven years for tax reasons, the freak.

I think Katie should rip off his head and eat it, he deserves it.

CoolMom said... [reply]

If I'd known about epidurals, coolboy would probably have had at least one little bro or sis.

I love it when these actors divorce their wives and then the women become better actreses than the men. Like Nicole and Tom. I refuse to even see his movies. I so want Jennifer Aniston to get an academy award for something. I don't do Branjelina either.

Stupidramblings said... [reply]

Since mt wife Limpy is expecting, I feel I must chime in here.

Get the freaking epidural.

Out...

Desmama said... [reply]

Ha ha! I loved this post. Reminded me of the episode of "The Cosby Show" where Cliff is counseling the husband whose wife is in labor. "She yelled at me," the husband says, distraught. "When my wife was in labor," says Cliff, "she STOOD UP in the stirrups and told everyone in the delivery room that my parents were never married." Makes me laugh every time. Also it reminds me of my sister (who is graduating in nursing from the Y next month) having a male guest speaker in one of her nursing classes who told these (mostly female) students that "Childbirth doesn't hurt. It's a surge of energy." Leslie raised her hand and asked him if he ever had his credibility called into question because he was a male. He said he had, but didn't she have a male doctor? Leslie didn't say this back, but she felt like saying, "Yeah, but he's not telling me it doesn't hurt." I think I would've just clobbered the guy. Surge of energy. What a piece of work

sakhmet said... [reply]

Poor, poor Katie. He's short; he's a bad actor; and now he's making your life even more miserable. You deseve so much better.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Looks like I'm on, it, Amyj, thanks to Goldie here's brother. And yeah, glad they eventually gave you one of those things.

Goldilocks, you're a pal. Let's go on holiday together.

Strong words, cbh. Strong words.

Hi Coolmom! And yeah, I love the story about when savvymom was in labor w/an epidural and you visited her and were like "This is labor? It can be like this???"

Peace out, stupid. And I'm ever so excited to see pictures in like 6 months or whenever!

Dude, Texmom, what kind of surge of energy was that crackpot talking about? Like the surge of energy of trying to pass a canteloupe out his colon? Freakshow.

kristen said... [reply]

Yeah, I think we all clued in to Tom's wackiness when he started jumping on Oprah's couch. Scientology's view on medicine is WACKO. Katie has been blinded by love.

Dude, I'm all about the drugs. ("I want morphine!") I may never even have to worry about that part anyways, seeing as my child-bearing years are half over and I'm not married yet.

Snarky MorMom said... [reply]

*Snort* (and sorry to but in but...)

First, I have labor that lasts like 2-3 hours. So every "just delivered" woman hates me.

Second, I still don't see the need to be in pain for 2-3 hours, so I DO get hooked up practically before labor starts.

Last time, the lady in the next room was "trying" to do the natural thing. Naturally, she was cussing at the top of her lungs while taking her husband's name in vain. Poor thing. (And I'm not sure if I am refering to her or her husband - OK, both.)

Then I realized the name she was cursing was MY husband's name. I told my husband, "The name thing better be a coincedence. Now go tell my mother it's not me."

CoolMom said... [reply]

Sorry to be rude, but I flat out would've laughed in that speakers face and not even felt bad about it. In Lamaze, a million years ago, they said it wasn't pain either, it was pressure. And it felt GOOD because you knew you were working and accomplishing something. Obviously someone was on drugs but it wasn't me.

Savvymom said... [reply]

I wonder how poor Katie's mom is feeling. If this is her first grandkid and it's an offering to the church of Scientology or something that would be way sad. And she will totally want her mom when all that crap happens.

And i think if you're going to do it natural youneed to have a decent midwife who's actually done it before and a doula and all those other important people.

Also, what's with men having opinions about how babies come out? Savvyd thought about having an opinion until I actually went into labor and then he changed his mind pretty quick. Heh. And I'm all about Nurse Anethetists or whatever they are called. I thought about naming Ethan after mine.

Rachel said... [reply]

I have to completely disagree with you here, Nem.



Tom Cruise is not hot.

daltongirl said... [reply]

I must speak in defense of natural childbirth, although I realize it's not for everyone. I mean, fifty years ago it was, but that was then. Fifty years ago they were also doing lobotomies to "calm people down." And it turns out that wasn't such a good idea.

Anyway, if you're going to go natural, you have to be thoroughly schooled. You can't just show up at the hospital and decide to see how it goes. And you should have a good midwife.

I don't remember doing any screaming or anything. Some moaning, yes. But then again, I have an exceedingly high pain tolerance. The other nurses kept asking my nurse what she had me on. Nothing. That's what. And there were no signs around telling me to shut up. I just didn't feel like making a lot of noise. However, my childbirth instructor (an actual woman, who had about twelve children, all born without meds of any kind) told me that many women experience orgasm during delivery. That's how pleasant the experience is. I was skeptical, but hopeful. Turns out she was completely full of crubbish.

That Cosby Show line is from one of his early routines. Hilarious!

Tom Cruise is a total freak.

And Nem, you have to stop reading tabloids--online or print.

redlaw said... [reply]

He's not even hot...at all....stupid 3 front teeth...*shudder*

Chantel said... [reply]

Poor Katie!!!

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