You and your green eyeshadow can shut it

The other day I went to Superdrug to look for Oil of Olay moisturizer with SPF 15 for sensitive skin (found it!) and empty travel-sized toiletry bottles (found them, but they were way too small and expensive to be of any use to me--where's Wal-Mart when you need it, huh?).

When I came out, an older lady stopped me and launched into a rehearsed speech. Lots of people approach you in the market, either collecting for charities or asking you to answer a survey or questionaire, so it's a common thing. She had a very thick Leicestershire accent and was speaking so quickly that I honestly had no idea what she was saying. Also I was distracted by the shiny green eyeshadow that was caked all over her eyelids all the way up to (and possibly extending past) her eyebrows.

I finally came to understand that she worked for a clothing store and they were sending out their fall catalog which contained "some very loovleh jackets." She went to start entering in my name and address into her hand-held electronic gadgety thing just as I realized what she was on about.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I don't need a catalog. I'm going back to the States soon so I wouldn't be able to use it.

Green Eyeshadow Lady: They go out next week, so you'll have time.

(Actually, lady, don't you get me started about what I do and do not have time for.)

Me: Thank you, but I won't be doing any clothes shopping before then.

GEL: Well I'll just send you the catalog and you can have a look.

Me: No thanks, I really won't get around to looking at it.

(Also I could just imagine Lady J's reaction to receiving yet another load of junk mail for the next three years once they have her address.)

GEL: It's a free catalog, though. And you might like a jacket for autumn.

Me, finally feeling fed up and wanting her to go away now: Thank you, no. I really don't need it, it would just . . . kill trees.

GEL: Alright then, thanks lov.

But then as I walked away I heard her mutter, "Kill trees" in a tone of absolute disgust. Which I don't think was very nice of her, since she was the one who accosted me in the first place. It's not like I ran up to her screaming "Die, Tree Killer!" I let it go, on account of I am gracious and wouldn't want to get any slimy green eyeshadow on me.

And anyway, I wasn't trying to say that I think she is the equivalent of one who goes into the redwood forests and takes a chainsaw to the trees out of the sheer joy of the thing. I was just saying that it would be a waste (of paper and money) to send the thing to my house. Which, really, is a pretty good reason in my book. I wouldn't have read the thing. I would have tossed it straight into the recycling bin, and then Lady J would have had to do the same with everything else they sent afterward. And it's not like she was handing out something that could be set aside but then possibly picked back up again later or maybe given to someone else who wanted it. It wasn't a Bible. It was a catalog that will be completely worthless in 2 months.

So even if this lady doesn't care about the environment at all since she's going to die soon, I still have a good 70 years left here and I do care.

Plus I just don't want people sending junk to my house that I don't ask for. If anyone from IKEA or Williams-Sonoma or Crate & Barrel or Pottery Barn wants to send me some stuff they can go right ahead!


The McCulloch Family said... [reply]

Kill trees. I think I am going to tell telemarketers and young people scamming magzine subscriptions that from now on. Can you even recycle those? I heard one time you can't.

Nemesis said... [reply]

I think you can recycle catalogs. If you can't that's just sad.

Also, let's promise to stop each other if we get old and one of us takes it into our heads to wear green eyeshadow. Because I don't think that will look good on either of us, really.

Scully said... [reply]

I don't think you can recycle shiny-page mags and catalogs. Something about the way the pages are treated, or something. And I HATE these kind of people. Despite the tastefully placed NO SOLICITING sign on the door to my office building, they come in trying to sale me stupid things like light up fans and 50lb flashlights. I was tempted to break the little man who came in to sell cleaning products when he tried to convince me he came from Atlanta with his obvious New Yawk accent. No means no, people!

Sun1 said... [reply]

I got ahold of an IKEA catalog when I was on my mission and I kept it with me for several transfers. When life gets tough, there's nothing better than dreaming of disposable income and home furnishings.

[blissful sigh]

Cicada said... [reply]

Whoops---that last comment was me. I'm on Captain Fabuloso's computer and forgot that he's got a blogger account and was already signed in.

sakhmet said... [reply]

GAH! YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN CAN CAN RECYCLE MAGAZINES AND CATALOGS! Even the glossy ones. It likely goes in a different bin at your recycling center, but they'll take 'em. Please do. For the trees.

dp said... [reply]

The reference to catalogs on the mission reminded me of how people used to use the Sears-Roebuck catalog for the same purpose as those extra copies of the Church News we kept around for emergencies.

daltongirl said... [reply]

I think you should get some green eyeshadow. And here's what you should do with it: write "No Soliciting" on your breasts. Then, when people come up to try to get you to donate money, or give them your address for catalogs, you can rip your shirt off and scream something about how you've seen all the other people's breasts in the country, so get a load of THIS, England! I bet the annoying people would scatter after that, and not bother you so much.

The McCulloch Family said... [reply]

Um, Daltongirl... Have you SEEN the size of her chest? You might be able to go get 'NO SOL' on there, but not much more than that.

Nemesis said... [reply]

You dirty, dirty whore.

Also, I will have you know that you can fit a LOT of writing on a flat surface.

At least mine don't shield my legs from the sun when I'm at the beach.

The McCulloch Family said... [reply]

Laughing so hard. I think I'm going to pee my pants. Hopefully I can move my boobs out of the way of my knees to make it to the bathroom on time.

Nemesis said... [reply]

So, in case anyone is worried, we were actually on the phone with each other while we wrote these last few comments. Or at least we were until Jenny crawled off to the bathroom.

CoolMom said... [reply]

So much to say - so little space.

I think you got the tree killing thing from me. I always comment to cooldad when we get 12 offers for credit cards PER DAY "how many trees were slaughtered so we could throw this unopened junk in the trash". Also, did you know that our mail man told me that if it wasn't for junk mail, thre would be no jobs for the mail people.

Also, DG should be ashamed for starting this whole dirty exchange: she should've known where this would go!

Savvymom gets the FUNNY AWARD OF THE YEAR for her comment. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

This is why I can't give your blog address to anyone who has any integrity whatsoever.

TannerJ5 said... [reply]

if you are looking for an ikea catalog, go to Ikea.com, they've got a brand new 2007 catalog coming out this month.just enter your address and they'll send you a free one.I know because i went there 3 days ago.

Scully said... [reply]

Thanks for correcting me, sakhmet. I must have been misinformed. Which isn't a surprise, considering it is Utah, a state wherein a place advertises card board recycling pickup, but when you call to set it up, advises you that it isn't worth the cost, considering the fuel prices. Which is no help when the warehouse at work is being overrun with boxes and OSHA could come in screaming FIRE HAZARD at any moment.

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