must . . . mock

Many thanks and my first adopted ethnic baby go to Desmama for sending this to me. She also forwarded it on to Eric D. Snider so I'd better get on it before he does. Then even if his mockery is funnier than mine at least mine was first, dangit.

Our local newspaper-ish publication included the following wedding announcement. The bride and groom chose to express their love through verse, as many young men and women before them have done.

Here is the poem. My comments are in parentheses.

If you want to hear of their fortune and fame

(Cool, are they rich? I like rich.)

It all started when they met at a soccer game

He thought she was hot she thought so too

(Wait, did she think he was hot or did she agree that she herself was hot?)

But after the first date it was through

He was scared she didn’t care

Being just high school seniors they didn’t dare.

(As Desmama rightly asks, what did they not dare do? Perhaps there is some kind of family feud involved, where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. Because that's just epic.)

Years later he went on a mission

All the way to Korea a far away nation

(For the family members who don't know what Korea is.
Not that this is much help, since there is no nation called Korea.
Maybe she should find out where he really spent those two years.)

When he got home she went on one too

Down to San Diego where the ocean is blue

They forgot each other were alive

(Oh. Oh dear. I feel my grammar migraine coming upon me.)

Who knew their love would survive.

(Aaaaand it's here.)

She had finished school a long time ago

He on the other hand was going real slow

(Translation: she'll settle for a dummy now that she's getting all old.
It's cheaper than getting her eggs frozen.)

Then one day they finally met, again

Then marriage wasn’t a question of how, (or why) but when,

They didn’t like each other quite at first

But between them love soon burst.

(Kind of like what just happened to my left retina.)

Now they have the chance to say

That they are happy to announce this special day

To all those far and near

That this happy day is finally here

March the Tenth is the day to remember

In the Logan Temple where marriage is forever.

(I'm glad they went easy with the periods.
If you give every sentence a period then they start acting all entitled.)

Times like these I just tell myself that they're clearing the field. They're clearing the field so that I don't have to sift through those guys to find the ones I want. And I do hope they have a nice wedding. Of course, that's just when I'm feeling positive.

The other 70% of the time I shake my fist at the heavens and shout, "So THOSE are the people who get to breed?? Are you KIDDING ME???"


CoolMom said... [reply]

Thank heaven for that remaining retina!

Nerd Goddess said... [reply]

They met in High School... must have written that poem about the same time, too. Or perhaps Jr. High...

Nemesis said... [reply]

SPEAKING of high school, I just read the other wedding announcements on the paper's website. So far I've counted 4 girls getting married this weekend who graduated high school in either 2005 or 2006.

kristen said... [reply]

They probably paid $300 bucks to publish that dribble.

Had to fight back the gag reflexes on that one.

Scully said... [reply]

It is the same here in WA, Nem. My parents are getting wedding invites from people I baby-sat for, when I was in high school. Which means I will probably be baby-sitting the off-spring they start popping out in 9 mos, because I will still be single, unemployed, and living with my parents. Good times. Also, something that horrific, must be mocked repeatedly.

Jimmy said... [reply]

It is fun to pick on smarmy people, isn't it? Poetry like that is the reason I believe God gave us a gag reflex.

Funny stuff! (LOL especially the "left retina" comment)

Th. said... [reply]



Cicada said... [reply]

Thank you for sharing this beautiful pome.

I read it in bed, all snug in my home.

Now, poetic prowess has gotten me dates,

but foreverly failed to secure me a mate.

Lest our faith in poetic seduction should teeter,

remember: Their pome lacked both good rhymes and meter.

And so I will cease to be downright perplexed!

If I write crappy poems, I too will have sex.

(Because someone will marry me and I'll get to breed, too.)

han said... [reply]

oh.no. That is so embarrassingly sad. My mom and I collect bad wedding invites, and I wish I had that one to add to our collection. Ha. Too funny!

The Craner Family said... [reply]

That last comment was by me. I am having issues with my computer submitting my comments before I am through typing my name.

Nerd Goddess said... [reply]

I'm in High School right now, actually. I have a friend who was engaged. At the begining of her Senior Year. Bleh. She broke it off when she realized she had a crush(es) on another boy(s). (sorry about the bad plural grammer there)

I sincerely hope none of my friends marry out of High School. If they do, they will be promptly slapped upside the head.

Jenny said... [reply]

I hope you save this. Maybe they will come into the library and they can autograph your copy. That'd be awesome.

Sarita said... [reply]

Oh dear deary me. A very extended and young family member got married not too long ago and sent a mass email out (to everyone she had ever met) announcing the engagement. Phrases were used such as, "we cannot wait to be marred for all time and eternity", and "we are so excited for our marring each other". This continued for 2 pages.

Kristeee said... [reply]

Sigh - what people won't do for a page in their scrapbook. Poor people who have to sit through their reception - sounds like a sap fest.

banana said... [reply]


Hey you know someone else who is getting married on the same day at Logan Temple!...Maybe she'll get to meet the lovely couple! You could ask her to get their autograph!

Nemesis said... [reply]

Banana, are you serious? Is SW getting married this weekend in Logan? I did not know that!

daltongirl said... [reply]

You and Cicada are the funniest people I know. Honestly.

Also, I think nerd goddess hit it on the head. I pray that she hit it on the head, and that girl wrote the pome six years ago while sitting in her boring history class. She has been holding onto it all this time, dreaming of the day when she could finally publish. Good job, honey. Now it's time to move on to something you actually have a talent with.

Azúcar said... [reply]

A lid for every pot. Isn't is sweet that they've found each other?


JB said... [reply]

Ewww. That's just gross. Trying to rhyme and basically get the point across. AND it's the same old story you've already heard a million times. How bad does it get??

April said... [reply]

That was hideously painful to read, except for your comments.

I bet someday their children will turn that poem into a play. I can just see it now.

Queen Zippergut said... [reply]

So funny I laughed out loud!

The fates are cruel. Oh and they'll be breeding. You mark my words, they'll be breeding.

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