12.16.2007

Saco de Toro

So . . . my roommate has this boyfriend. And he has always been perfectly civil to me which is why I'm going to be careful what I say about him here. Because despite this civility I'm quite sure that if I were to get on his bad side he would probably set fire to my car. He's a wilderness sort of guy, which is all you really need to know here.

The other day I was talking on the phone and noticed something on the kitchen table. I picked it up. It looked like a hollowed-out gourd made of leather. Wondered what kind of animal that came from, and then put it back down and dismissed it with an, "Enh. Must be some freaky thing [BF] brought in." Forgot all about it.

Until the next day when I came across a small printed leaflet on the kitchen counter which read, "Congratulations - you are the proud owner of an original Saco De Toro. It is an actual scrotum of the king of the range. It came from a proud, virile beast and at one time contained the seeds of life and the future of the heard."

Yeah. Flipping nutsac on my kitchen table. It seems I can grab bulls' balls. (I know I wasn't the only girl who watched this movie in a Michael-Vartan-induced haze. It's lucky for me he wasn't a French teacher, because do y'all even remember the part on Alias where he spoke the French and all women everywhere stopped breathing and some actually died? Le sigh . . . )

And now back to the abomination.

I continued reading, and am now including a faithful reproduction of the leaflet copy, with my own small asides.

"Your Saco De Toro has weathered the heat of the summers and the cold winds of winters. The scars and blemishes on your Saco De Toro are indicative of the hardships endured by the beast." [Because . . . bulls spend a lot of time getting kicked in the crotch? I'm really not sure who would be walking up to a bull and doing that. No one who's still alive, that's for sure.]

"You can be assured that there is not another Saco De Toro exactly like yours anywhere. [Oh, good.] They are as distinctive as fingerprints and come in different colors, different sizes, different shapes and different textures [and flavors, I assume]. Your Saco De Toro is unique, useful, conversational [that's for sure] and expressive." [What exactly is it meant to express, though? I am a seventh-grade male who thinks that anything to do with testicles is hilarious and therefore awesome?]

"What will you keep in yours? [You mean besides my own vomit?] That is limited only by your own imagination. You may use it as a litter bag in your car. You may hang it in your home or office with dried flowers in it. You may hang it on your golf bag to keep your balls in. You may use it as a container for your own private hopes and dreams of the future of momentoes of the past." [I'm . . . not even going to try unraveling that last one.]

"Grandma has hers hanging on her rocking chair and when asked, "Granny, what do you keep in your Saco De Toro? ash gets a far off look in her eyes and replies, "Why, my memories, sonny." [I'm pretty sure his Granny is made up. Because like anyone has ever said that in real life, ever. Granny's far-off look is probably because she is a) mercifully blind and cannot see that her family has draped genitalia over her chair, or b) dreaming wistfully of a nursing home far far away.]

"Saco De Toros are for both sexes of all ages and are sometimes given as gifts to that special someone as a token of remembrance." [What exactly are you hoping them to remember when they look at it? Although I suppose it could be a really fun gift for girls to give each other to celebrate the emasculation of a former romantic interest.]

"Don't forget it is especially useful to keep your Candy Kisses in.," [Yeah. Because I'm for sure going to be eating things that come out of that.]

(Photo from www.bbhq.com, which can probably rush one of these babies to you just in time to ruin Christmas. Call now!)


22 comments:

Miss Hass said... [reply]

What a delightful item. I would like one for my kitchen counter.

My dad brought back little...coin purses for my brothers when he went to Australia. They were made of kangaroo...parts. Gross.

Edgy said... [reply]

I. Love. You.

Azúcar said... [reply]

And just when I thought I'd *never* find a gift for the guy who has everything.

Scully said... [reply]

It is just so very, very wrong. Did you feel the need to disinfect your self and your table?

Squirrel Boy said... [reply]

Oh dear. I can't come up with any kind of coherent response to that. My mind is still reeling.

Lady Steed said... [reply]

Wow--what a resourceful use for a part that might otherwise be useless once the bull is dead.

Did the BF actually give that as a gift to your roommate?!

cooldad said... [reply]

That is destined to be the best Chinese Gift Exchange present ever!

Ciccio said... [reply]

At least the boyfriend didn't make it...did he?

Anonymous said... [reply]

Miss Hass - We spent a lot of time in Oz as I was growing up and now I'm a dual citizen. My dad has *always* had one of those roo purses for his change. I guess it's still a little... well, testicular, but a small change purse kept in one's pocket is a different thing from a gigantic satchel hanging off granny's rocker.

Science Teacher Mommy said... [reply]

Mmm. . . me espouso has a kangaroo de saco that he ordered on-line a few years ago. Two, actually, he gave one to my son to keep his marbles in. The roo-purse, I will say, however, looks a little less. . . weathered.

I think this goes along the lines of using ALL parts of the animal. I mean, you eat meat and wear leather shoes, right? And yes, I have eaten kangaroo.

And forgive me, but I've always been REALLY partial to the wilderness types. In fact, I think I fell in love with Plantboy because he was my first experience with a wilderness boy who had no interest in killing stuff; oh, and he is straight. He had so much flannel when we got married that I would have sworn it was reproducing in the closet.

Nemesis said... [reply]

STM, you probably wouldn't have wanted to marry this wilderness boy. Trust me.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Wow, did not even know about the kangaroo "pouches." My life is now made more rich.

Edgy, I love you too. :-)

Azucar--I know, right? You will never be without options again?

Scully, yes. Yes I did feel the need for disinfectant. And massive eyebrow rolling.

I know, Squirrel boy. I know. It took me a few days before I could speak of it.

Lady Steed, I don't know if it's a gift FROM him or a gift FOR him. If it's a gift for him then I guarantee it'll be his favorite.

You're right, Dad. But I don't think I want all those people gagging during the gift exchange

coolmom said... [reply]

I'm sure the multi-lingual coolboy will get a hoot out of it.

abby said... [reply]

One word describes how I feel about it "Ewwww!"

Jenny said... [reply]

I am still so repulsed. The picture sealed the deal. I think I am getting queasy.

Also, I heart Mr Coulson. Hee.

Jimmy said... [reply]

I think what disturbed me more than the manufacture of that thing was the creative writing that went into the leaflet.

miranda said... [reply]

my hubby has a change purse made of a frog that he brought back from the Philippines. It's kind of cool.

Petra said... [reply]

Yes, but did he eat the material that originally came in said, er, item? That would be manly.

(Mostly because they're so icky.)

Anonymous said... [reply]

holy ewwww!!
CHantel

T & J & V said... [reply]

i am a little scared of what items he would choose for home decor if he thought the bull sac was a good gift. maybe for christmas she will get the coordinating kangaroo coin purse!

Audra said... [reply]

I HAVE ONE OF THESE!!! My mom had one and I told her I HAD TO HAVE ONE for Christmas!!! I used it at work to keep pencils in. Now it hangs from my dry erase calendar and peg-board and I keep my dry erase markers in it! The markers are quite small, so I am often digging into my bull scrotum to pick out just the right color for my calendar! I LOVE my Bull Balls. My mom even donated one to the silent auction at my work! Hahaha! Yep, that is me... I am the type of person who would proudly display my bull scrotum as well!!!

Caitlin said... [reply]

Nemesis,

The other week on the Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert discussed his love for House MD and showed a close up of Hugh Laurie's headshot on his mantle. And what would you guess is next to that photograph? A Saco de Toro! I immediately thought of this post and had to share this with you.

See here (its at the very beginning of this video):

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/310180/may-14-2010/recap---week-of-5-10-10

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