2.21.2008

The gum chewing post

As I've spent the last two days sick with the flu, I've had time to think about world-saving ideas. My latest one?

No More Chewing Gum

I don't see the point of it. It's not food. It has no nutritional benefit. It's not biodegradable, so it'll be around forever. Just take a look at the commercials. All they can do is try to make a cool commercial without really mentioning the gum, because what can they even say about it? "Um, we think you should put this flavored tar in your mouth and chew it over and over again. No reason."

As pointless and stupid as chewing gum is, my bigger problem is with the gum chewers. After all, wads of gum don't end up in water fountains, city sidewalks, under desks, and in carpets all by themselves. No indeed. It is the stupid idiot chewers who leave it there, and I would have no problem with such behavior incurring penalties like tongue forking.

Here's the other thing, and this is where I'm going to hurt some feelings. But only because I care.
You look stupid when you chew gum.

You really do. This is especially true if you are the kind who simply cannot keep your lips together while chewing. Yes, I'm talking to you. You look like a cow, standing in a field, staring vacantly while chewing your cud. And it's nasty. I don't want to hear the smacking of your lips. I don't want to see your gum rolling around in your mouth, and I don't want to watch your jaw going up and down, up and down, over and over again. It's just gross and it makes you, literally, look like a slack-jawed idiot. The words that come out of your mouth automatically have less intellectual merit when they're accompanied by the sticky, spitty, snapping sounds of chewing gum.

So. Now that we've established that, I think we can get rid of the gum. Exceptions will be for people who are trying to give up smoking and need to have something in their mouth, and also for pregnant women. Because so help me I'm not about to tell a pregnant woman what she can and can't chew. I would recommend that she chew quietly and with closed lips if she doesn't want people to moo at her, but still: her choice.

For those of you whining about needing something after a meal to freshen your breath, I believe they've invented a special new thing called breath mints. Look into them.

26 comments:

AuD said... [reply]

I'll trade your flu for my ear infections.

As for gum chewing it also looks unprofessional. So if your working don't chew gum.

Desmama said... [reply]

Agreed. As a friend of mine once noted--and I believe it ought to be immortalized somewhere in stone--"Classy women don't chew gum." I have no opinion on what makes a classy man.

However, I have to admit, when I have the munchies and really, really shouldn't give in to them, I try to chew gum to ward off the impulse to raid the pantry. I do however, try to not go out in public chewing gum.

MBC said... [reply]

Amen, Sister! I hate gum chewing. It's GROSS. It's so gross.

i i eee said... [reply]

The worst ever are people speaking in Sacrament meeting, whilst chewing gum!

I have some serious TMJ issues, so no gum for me.

(Weird. I accidentally clicked on the little wheelchair person in the word verification and listened to it. I couldn't even understand it. Talk about handicapped.)

i i eee said... [reply]

Although sometimes, when I have to pull an all-nighter, I love to chew bubblegum. But this of course is quite painful to my jaw, so I only do it under special circumstances.

Janssen said... [reply]

I couldn't agree more. I think chewing gum makes you look stupid.

Also, even thinking about gum makes my jaws ache.

Claire said... [reply]

Oh crap...I was just stuffing two pieces of gum into my mouth as I started reading this. Are there exceptions for people stuck in cubicles for 12 hours at a time, who might fall asleep otherwise?

Scully said... [reply]

I read this at work and then rushed off to do my visiting teaching on my lunch hour. My visiting teaching companion is a gum chewer and all I could think about while she was praying was how obnoxious it sounded with her gum chewing. You have convinced me, gum is of the devil. Unless you are driving hundreds of miles all by yourself and need to stay awake. Or something.

Bart said... [reply]

I chew gum occasionally, and as Janssen pointed out, she does not (and apparently thinks I look stupid when I do so). I pretty much only chew it for a few minutes in my car when I'm in the mood for a treat but don't want to stop for something. And I certainly abstain from chewing in professional settings or when speaking in public.

Gretchen said... [reply]

Amen to that. Gum makes people look like idiots. Of course there are a few exceptions, but not as many as there are people running around chewing gum.

Valli said... [reply]

Yeah! Someone who shares my distain for chewing gum.
As I was reading this I was just waiting/hoping you would address the unintelligence that is gum chewing. There is such a variety of breath mints available from the clearing-melting of sinuses to the fruity concoctions of sweetness that concern for bad breath should never be a fall back for chewing gum. And these fabulous mints are located within inches of the very gum packets of Satan we speak of at your nearby grocery store.
Thank you for bringing this attention to the masses Stephanie.

BEFore said... [reply]

Gonna have to weigh in on the "Meh" side. Yeah, some people can be annoying. On the other hand, if that's someone's most annoying trait, I think I can deal with it. (Barring stupidities like chewing while making a public address, etc.)

Me? I chew gum because I tend to snack on something (or devour my pen lids) if I don't.

The mintiness also helps alleviate the perpetual stuffed-up-edness that some of us suffer from. (Mints last about 30 seconds in my mouth before they are bitten in two.)

Now drivers who can't figure out the concept of right-of-way, or which lane they can legally turn into--those people drive me bonkers. :)

Kelly said... [reply]

I actually like to chew gum to keep from munching on things. However, only when I'm not at work/major social functions. To this day I cringe when I think about a video my grandpa took at my college graduation in which I was chewing gum. This is a graduation of about 6000 people, so no one else noticed, but my grandma sure pointed it out. A friend gave me a piece of gum beforehand and I forgot to throw it out and I think swallowing gum is just icky.

I remember when this man got up to give a talk at church and he was chomping on gum the whole time. Tacky! And on the way back from a trip recently I saw this woman who had obviously spent a lot of time on her make-up and a lot of money on her clothes and hair and was chomping away on gum, mouth open, all spittly and gross. I wanted to tell her how much it was ruining the effect of her ensemble.

Science Teacher Mommy said... [reply]

Sorry. Love gum. Good for breath. Great for weight loss. I agree that I am not crazy about seeing it or hearing it or especially finding it stuck under desks. Ew . . . So, while I won't even think about kicking the habit, I will be more mindful when I DO chew that there are a lot of real gum-a-phobes out there and observe what ettiquette I can while chewing.

Edgy said... [reply]

One of my guilty pleasures at the moment is Make Me a Super Model on Bravo (blog post to follow, hopefully shortly). Tyson Beckford had one of the greatest lines in the first episode of the competition:

"Are you chewing gum? You don't chew gum on the catwalk!"

Frey said... [reply]

Gums don't kill style. People do.
2 hours in a tongue stock for public gum chewing.
And don't get me started on those mint people. All the sights and sounds of gum chewing plus click clacking and crunching too. Heard of sweet smelling alfalfa people? Go harvest some!

Edgy said... [reply]

Oh, and you totally should have posted this picture to go with your post.

Kristeee said... [reply]

Gum is one of my favorite ways to curb snacking in the afternoon. And I say if I go through two pieces of gum a day that aren't biodegradable, it's better for the earth than my stomping around on it weighing thousands of pounds.

I do, however, stick to small pieces of gum that allow me to keep my lips shut. And I only blow bubbles in private. Because that's the considerate thing to do.

TOWR said... [reply]

Yeah, I'm going to have to go ahead and disagree with you on this one. Gum is a necessity for those of us with an oral fixation. I will say for the record, however, that I always chew very discreetly with my mouth shut, and I never smack or pop my gum.

I never put it anywhere other than the garbage, either.

coolmom said... [reply]

I never chewed gum until recently. It helps me to not eat so much bad stuff and.....we (the workers) were justed asked not to chew gum in the temple. As if someone actually had to say that. I guess someone was chewing on their shift.

chosha said... [reply]

Trainer Bob highly recommends it for curbing cravings. :)

I'm not vehemently anti-gum, but there's no denying that people who chew it with their mouth open are walking advertisements for stupid.

One of my seminary teachers taught us this little saying:

A gum-chewing girl and a cud-chewing cow.
Are the same, but...different somehow.
Ahhh, there's the difference! I see it now.
It's the intelligent look on the face of the cow.

jeri said... [reply]

Yep, I'm in the pro-gum corner too. It keeps me from snacking on other things. It's how I stopped biting my nails. It stops a "something sweet" craving. Gum is my friend. But I do agree with the "no open mouth chewing" or "during public speaking" policies.

blackjazz said... [reply]

I think I agree with you, but I still go through phases of chewing gum. I go off it when I bite the inside of my mouth because the chewing is completely out of control.

Some people chew because of their nervous tension. Sir Alex Ferguson is a case in point. When the TV cameras zoom in on him during a Manchester United match he's always chewing very vigorously and I'm sure it's to give himself something physical to do. At the end of the match he never fails to set the worse example possible by taking out the gum and throwing it to the ground. What a role model! After more than 20 years of managing the club, there must be quite a pile of gum near his seat.

Is it true that it isn't biodegradable? Maybe it has to be or the chewing would degrade it in the mouth...

Lola said... [reply]

I would ban girls who have never done a days of work in their life's, who have license plate covers on cars purchased for them by older men (daddy, boyfriend or similar) that say things like "He bought it, but I got it!" or "Daddy's little Princess".

Anonymous said... [reply]

Gum chewers are some of the least considerate annoying people in the world. It is so fucking disgusting. Seriously you need to chew the entire day ? What is up with that?

Anonymous said... [reply]

No matter how much you imagine chewing gum supposedly helps you lose weight, if you look like a cow, then no matter how slim you get, you still look like a cow.

People who say gum keeps you from snacking: that is like saying you put tape on your butt to keep you from pooing.

If you feel the urge to snack, maybe you're hungry and you should go eat some celery sticks. Chewing gum still makes you look like a cow.

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