8.04.2008

Note to the guy in sacrament meeting yesterday

I'm sure yesterday was a very special experience for you, but it was not so much for me or likely for any one else in the congregation and I will tell you why.

You got up there, 10 minutes before the meeting was supposed to end, (along with 12 other people, mind you) and said that you wanted to bear your testimony in a language that you have not used for many years, but which is very meaningful to you because some of the most spiritual experiences of your life occurred in that language. Now, I'm not even going to touch the part where the reason that time was so special was because of what you were doing 24/7 (ie, serving a mission and testifying of Christ) rather than the language you were speaking. Because whatever.

Only then you proceeded to babble in Portuguese for the next 8 minutes. I do very much hope there was someone who speaks Portuguese in the congregation, and that maybe your words were an answer to prayer for them and encouraged them to abandon their drugging-people-and-stealing-their-kidneys plans and stay on the straight and narrow. Because for the rest of us it pretty much sounded like a dog yapping up there. For 10 minutes. It benefited no one, because none of us understood what you were saying.

And then, because YOU took so much time with the yapping, all the people behind you still wanted to speak and the meeting went 20 minutes over and did not get out until 4:50pm. On FAST Sunday. My arm had teeth marks by the end.

Thank you.

31 comments:

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said... [reply]

May I have your permission to print this and tack it to one of the bulletin boards in the Chapel hallway? Pleeaaassseee? Pretty please....with a Portugese cherry on top?

I'm a little sad. Our Ward boundaries changed and in one fell swoop we lost all our most interesting perennial Sacrament F&T meeting favorites. No more holy-roller-old men-who-desired-a-career-as-a-televangelist-but-will-settle-for-preaching-hellfire-and-brimstone-to-you-from-the-pulpit.

AmandaStretch said... [reply]

Our F&T meeting went rather swimmingly yesterday, though we did have the one guy thought he was a stand-up comedian and proceeded to tell us about his adventures in non-drinking bar hopping. Then, they announced that with the stake adding a new ward and boundaries changing (all wards but the singles' ward and the Spanish branch), we're moving to a new building and will now start church at 2:30 PM.

Ugh.

I would rather go back to 8:30 AM church in the cold and ice, where we had to walk from DT to the Talmage building (including those awful stairs of death) than 2:30 PM.

Why is it that singles wards always get the short stick?

cooldad said... [reply]

To protect you arm, I'm suggest you pack some nice cheese to go along with your whine next month.

Cicada said... [reply]

We went to a different ward yesterday for a baby blessing, and there was a kook who got up and bore her testimony for 20 minutes. But she had this really great curly hair that she styled poorly, but is exactly the type of curly hair that I'd love to have, so I spent that 20 minutes restyling her hair in my mind and planning decorations for my baby room.

.::still blinking::. said... [reply]

Miss Nem, you are the best.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Elasticwaistbandlady, you are MORE than welcome to. See, I don't mind people saying wacked-out stuff as long as I can understand what they're saying. Because then it's fun.

Amandastretch, yeah. I much, much prefer morning church.

Har har har, Dad.

Cicada, that was an excellent use of your time, I think.

FoxyJ said... [reply]

Nothing strange in testimony meeting yesterday, but two weeks ago in my sis-in-law's ward I got treated to the extra musical number thing. A girl decided to finish her talk by sitting at the piano and playing/singing "His Hands". At least she was a somewhat decent singer...

abby said... [reply]
This comment has been removed by the author.
abby said... [reply]

I so don't miss Utah singles wards where people felt they had to bear their testimonies in foreign languages. I lived in a ward where we had people who spoke fluent Spanish but little English and they always had a translator. They should have had a translator for this guy.

When I was at BYU, we had an RM who bore his testimony while wearing his missionary tag. That is so wrong! I wanted to shout "Your full time mission is over buddy!" but I didn't.

Rynell said... [reply]

I think the only time it is legitimate for someone to use their foreign language mission skills at the pulpit is when they are giving their (un)homecoming talk. Then they are permitted a 30 second testimony in their language at the end of their talk. That's it.

And 4:50? That's ludicrous.

Science Teacher Mommy said... [reply]

WHOSE teeth marks?

In defense of singles' wards getting "the short end of the stick": In every stake I lived in with singles' wards, they got the sweet deal--church at 10:30. Why? I was told that if it was early they wouldn't come, and if it was late they wouldn't come. I was in another stake that gave our ward last choice of new church times simply because our ward was organized AFTER all the bishops spoke up for a time. Our ward happened to have the largest nursery (nearly 40 kids): if you think 2:30 was a good experience for anyone . . . I know that nobody likes it, but c'mon. Because of ward/stake changes, we spent nearly 3 years going to church at one of or later.

And elasticwaistbandlady (in whose ward I used to reside), I wish you could use a name. I would dearly love to know who that nutbar is. What about the meeting I brought a non-member friend to (didn't realize it was a fast meeting--Christmas) and heard someone bear his testimony about FEELING IMPRESSED THAT THERE WOULD BE A SNOW STORM and having it "come true".

Does ANYBODY sing "His Hands" well? That whole bridge in the tricky key in the middle always sounds like it is being belted to me.

Gosh I'm feeling snarky. Sorry.

jeri said... [reply]

I haven't heard an ENTIRE testimony in a foreign language lately but I do tire of hearing "sorry, I forgot how to speak English while I was on my mission." Really? The language you spoke for 18 of your formative years? And lets not get into the fact that you've been home for 5 more...

Miss Hass said... [reply]

Oooooh! That is SO annoying. I have taken to bringing blank paper on which to make lists. I find that I can no longer sit through sacrament meeting without making at least one list. I did however sit up and take note (read: make a loud snorting noise before giggling not-so-quietly) one Sunday when one of the branch presidency members said 'sexually transmitted diseases' over the pulpit. For the life of me, I don't know what the context was, but it still makes me laugh.

N.F. said... [reply]

OH. MY. CRAP.

Times like this are when you are mentally willing your Bishop to get up and DO SOMETHING!

Jon Boy said... [reply]

I guess somebody should've spent more time on his mission studying the scriptures.

Sherry said... [reply]

We just got a new mission president, so he came down here, and we did a combined testimony meeting with the two branches that meet in our city. Lots of wacko testimonies. I wanted, and I'm sure others did too, to tell him afterward that the wacko testimonies were from the other branch.

Anonymous said... [reply]

Amandastretch, you get the crappy time because you are single, meaning, without children, although one ward in a neighboring stake meets at 3pm, with children. I'm not sure I could do 3pm under any circumstances.

coolmom said... [reply]

Oops! That was coolmom.

MaryRuth said... [reply]

your post made me laugh. hard. there was a small amount of snorting involved.

Its experiences like this that makes me want to vote to doing away with F&T meeting. I know, I know... that makes me a bad saint. But I rarely feel uplifted and filled with the spirti after F&T meeting.

And bearing the testimony in another language goes on the LDS Pet Peeve list. That and anybody singing "His Hands" during their testimony.

Kimi said... [reply]

I really enjoy reading your blog.. it always makes me laugh. I'm glad to see you will be adding a little spice to our family, you seem to make a perfect match with my brother. :)

BEFore said... [reply]

But see... at least you didn't have to worry about the new member hearing him tell about how he saw a vision of the cheese sandwich he would be eating later today -- or something worse.

Of course, any going-over during the last meeting of fasting Sunday should be grounds for banishment.

micah e. said... [reply]

I can't stand when meetings go over. Especially church meetings. ESPECIALLY on fast Sunday.

Kudos to you for not just up and walking out on the dude.

Motorcycle Grandma said... [reply]

Just found your blog.

You are a better person than me. I would have walked out by 4:15.

In my ward, the person conducting always says on F&T Sunday that testimonies will be ended by 5 minutes to the hour. There are always people who rush the stand at 10 minutes to the hour and each one begins their testimony with "I know the time is short, but....."

Hey, if you know the time is short why did you come up in the first place???

Erik A. said... [reply]

What a great post. Now I've got a great idea for the next F&T meeting to spice things up a bit.

You definately are going to fit right in with your GF's family.

East of Eden said... [reply]

It doesn't get any better in a family ward, you just have the usual wackos, as elasticwaistbandlady mentioned, the weirdo family (where every memember of the family gets up and talks about each other and nothing in particular) here in the wilds of the untamed West (New Mexico) half the meeting is in Spanish anyway...., then of course you have the little kids who get up and either shout into the microphone and wake everyone up, or do some very good heavy breathing that reminds you of your days of a wild single making out on the couch with your intended and makes you wonder why you don't do that now that you're married.

Kristeee said... [reply]

I went on a double date once with a boy who thought it was great fun to speak Portuguese with the boy from the other couple. For half of dinner. Boy was that exciting. Funny, I asked to go home after dinner. Too bad you can't dump people at church like that.

I have born my testimony once in a foreign language . . . there was a lady from Germany visiting her family and she doesn't speak a lick of English (and also isn't LDS and her husband had just passed away). I kept on feeling like I needed to get up, so I bore my testimony in English and then said the same thing in German. The lady smiled at me the whole time. I felt silly about the whole thing, but at least I only took 2 minutes and not 20.

EmAndTrev said... [reply]

I am marveling at the 4:50 dismissal time. Yes, I'm sure my arm would have been gnawed right off. Let us know if you need any help with your move!

Natalie said... [reply]

I think Cicada may have been in my ward! Really! That lady would not stop talking! And the seats on the stand kept filling up with people who I know would only take 2 minutes, and would actually testify of the truthfulness of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. But, whatever. If that lady needs to talk about guys hitting on her while she's camping and pretend it's missionary work, I'll pretend to listen.

Nells-Bells said... [reply]

Wow. Seriously, wow. I'm assuming this was your singles ward. Good thing because this guy pretty much handed himself a death wish and will never, ever get married. Unless there happened to be a girl in attendance from Portugal or Brazil, and could actually understand his yapping. I think he missed the memo from the First Presidency about not bearing your testimony in a sacrament meeting where no one else can understand the language. Too bad he hasn't had any spiritual or great experiences in his native tongue! So, so sad.

Anonymous said... [reply]

You know the whole purpose of testiomony meeting is to bear your TESTIMONY. if the person speaking feels the spirit regardless of the language then HE benefits. If you don't like it use your power of free agency, get of your judgmental butt, and leave.

Anonymous said... [reply]

A testimony of the gospel is a personal witness borne to our souls by the Holy Ghost that certain facts of eternal significance are true and that we know them to be true.

I am also LDS and was searching for food storage ideas when I came upon your blog. I came across this post and proceeded to read because you caught my interest. By the time I was done I felt sad. Not only for the man bearing his testimony, but also for YOU (not because you had to heard it, but becasue you were so judgemental and bitter). I do not speak another language but I sure wish I did! How awesome I think it would be to be able to bear my testimoy in Spanish or French or Portugese! I believe that as long as I HAVE THE SPIRIT with me, it doesn't matter what they are saying, what matters is what spirit they are sharing or feeling. Because your blog is not private I assume you are open to comments and I felt as a Latter-Day Saint I should express how astonished I was to read that someone could actually express openly the things you did, yes we may all feel that way at times (no one is perfect--including you and all your friends who felt the need to follow the crowd), but to mock and make fun of him---you should be ashamed!

If you were accused of being Mormon would there be enough evidence to convict you?? Just something to think about.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...