Our First Kiss, or How I Got this Scar on my Lip

Here it is, as promised and with the blessing of the other party. (His only condition was that it had better not result in a phone call from his grandma, who reads this blog. Hi, Grammy!)

So GH and I became friends when we worked together at the library in L**** in the winter of 2007. I was his boss, and after a few months we started hanging out a little bit. Then he found a different job in town and left the library. In June 2007 we started moving tentatively from hanging out to dating. A couple of of weeks into this we went out and had a really great time. We ate at the Indian Oven (Note: the "friend" in the 5th paragraph was GH. Also the restaurant has since moved to new digs on Main Street. Food's still great though.). Then he showed me around Utah State's campus and it was all happy and good and summer eveningy and romantic comedyish.

So during the evening I started thinking that even though I wanted to take things slowly, maybe it would be a nice good thing to have a good-night kiss, as long as it didn't turn into a make-out session or anything.

Since it was only 11:30pm when we got back to my place I knew I wasn't operating solely on the "it's 1:00am and so stupid things seem like good ideas" principle. My idea was that it would maybe be okay to kick things up a notch and see how they go because really he was just so cute and sweet and funny with the wicked sense of humor. Plus, hi, I just needed me some kissin'.

So I went for it.

Five minutes later I was sorry.

Not because I wasn't liking him, or because he tried to pull anything inappropriate, because he didn't. Problem was, we only kissed a few times before I had an incredibly sore lip.

I don't know if it was his teeth or what, but I was dying. So . . . yeah. No chance of that turning into a 3-hour make-out session. I couldn't get him out the door fast enough because I could feel my lower lip swelling up. And I really did not even know how to begin that conversation ("Um, did you maybe not get enough food at dinner?") without causing much ego-bursting and feelings-hurting. So I nicely said good night and sent him on his way.

The next morning, I had three little purple bite marks on my lips.

Consulted with the Circle of Truth over email at work the next day (as one does) about how to improve the situation without damaging egos or ruining new, fragile relationships. One idea I had would be to tell him he's a Big Brute who doesn't know his own strength after Helen Andelin's advice in her classic book Fascinating Womanhood (still in print, heaven save us all).

Cicada said all I should really have to do is point the marks out to him to have a very good opener for the "why we don't kiss like that" conversation. So I went to the staff bathroom mirror to see if they'd faded and almost had a heart attack when I saw my reflection.

Nearly my entire lower lip was stained a dark, bruised purple.

I wouldn't need to POINT OUT anything, since I now had people at work (like, my boss) after me to call my doctor and find out what was wrong with my mouth. I looked like this:

I had to pretend I'd been chewing on an ink pen or something. As if I would ever even do that. Daltongirl was cheered by this, though: "Excellent! So now all you have to do is make CERTAIN that he sees you today. Problem solved."

That night GH came over. I told him I needed to show him something and pointed to my purple lips. I knew how this would go. He would be so sorry and feel so bad but I would be very nice and forgiving and gracious about the whole thing and careful of his feelings so he wouldn't wallow in his guilt over damaging my perfect lips for longer than was necessary.

Except first he tried to say he couldn't see anything. Then he tried to say that he couldn't possibly have bitten me. And then he started laughing. A lot. Which was not well-received by me. But eventually he got where I was coming from, on account of I was ready to kill him for not being penitent. He eventually tried to apologize for the laughing:

GH: I'm sorry, it's not funny. Except it's SO, SO funny.

Me: No, it's NOT! I don't know what kind of Amazon women you've been dating but I bruise like a peach!

GH: Are you sure you didn't meet up with some other guy after I left and maybe HE bit you? Because I seriously don't remember doing that.

I even told him that our mutual coworkers noticed and asked me about it. THEN he started laughing so hard he nearly wrecked the car. Punk. Happily though, when we tried again it was loads, loads better. Like, curl-your-toes better.

I took this picture after I got home that night to show the Circle that I was not overreacting about the extent of the lip hickey. The bruising had actually been darker earlier in the day. (Also be sure to check out the road rash on my chin. That was from the toes-curling part. Mmmm boy.)

Thing is, even after it faded there was this one discolored spot that never changed back. I now have this faint purple bit on my lip where GH has pretty well marked me for life. (Now he says he can see it.) So it's a good thing we eventually got our acts together and got married because otherwise I would have always been reminded of this one ex-boyfriend who gave me a permanent lip hickey.


Azúcar said... [reply]

I love this whole story.

Marking his territory, indeed.

Lesley-Ann said... [reply]

That is so funny, your hubby sounds like a real character ;-)

Nells-Bells said... [reply]

wow. GH-be warned. you may be teased. but, hey, at least you are now married and can take it like a man, right? ;)
nemesis-i feel your pain! my face would always break out after a make-out session with my soon-to-be hubby. made it very hard to lie.

Carly said... [reply]

So funny! This happened to me once, only it was my upper lip and I really could tell that he was literally giving me a hickey at the time (although I didn't think it would actually bruise, like it did). Really embarrassing, and it hurt like the dickens for a few days! Glad to hear I'm not the only one it's happened to! :)

P.S. You really need to check out this blog... I'd love to hear your thoughts about it as I'm sure they'll be good: Why Mormon Girls Stay Single

Science Teacher Mommy said... [reply]

My first kissing with Plantboy yielded the exact same results. I was so confused: I hadn't kissed all that many different guys, but HONESTLY how could he not know that he was brusing the life out of the girls he kissed? And with the teeth, was he chewing my face off? Good grief.

Like you, I just came clean and told him exactly what he'd done. His response was along the lines of NO WAY. I have no idea what cockamamie story was going in his head to explain my purple lips, but he was not going to take the blame.

The best part? After a day or two he said, "What would you do differently?" And now, thank you very much, kissing is beyond bliss, and he he gives me all the credit. Years after the incident he finally admitted that he had watched James Bond ("Golden Eye")right before we started dating and he thought the lip-biting looked interesting. To which I replied, "The Famke Janssen S & M thigh-master girl kind of biting?" He nodded, a bit sheepishly. I could say nothing else, but only wish that I too could do The Eyebrow.

Science Teacher Mommy said... [reply]

I checked out Carly's recommendation. Oh, yes, Nem, I would love to hear your thoughts on this blog. Some of the posts I found hilarious, and then I read the post, "Hatin' on the Hot Chick" and I pretty much was ready to put a shoe through the computer.

april said... [reply]

great story! i've experienced the chin rash thing before, but was completely unaware of bruised lips. i love the fact that he laughed. i do that too - imagine how a whole scene will play in my mind only to have it all go awry by how the other party reacts.

p.s. wonder what granny thought?

@carly or whoever knows - how do you leave a link in your comments?

Audra said... [reply]
This comment has been removed by the author.
Audra said... [reply]

After multiple grammer issues (which I am famous for), let me try this again:

Now, next time you see some people who have read this but have not seen you in awhile (like me... though we are across the country from each other and I have no clue when I will see you again)... if they lean in staring at your mouth squinting to get a better peak, please do not think they are trying to kiss you... they are just trying to see the bruise!

My first kiss was catastrophic. No, he did not bite me... but he must have watched way too many movies and basically I just stood there as he slobbered on my face. And I thought, "Man... I was so waiting for that 'make my leg pop a la princess diaries' wonderful first kiss' and if this is kissing I don't know how I am ever going to have a boyfriend and like it"... luckily second guy came around and made it all better... haha. But I never got any bruising luckily. I would have not left the house until it dissapeared.

Levi would roll his eyes at me if he knew I was talking about my kisses with my ex-boyfriends.

emandtrev said... [reply]

I love this story! It made my Monday morning. Really. Speaking of Indian Oven, I haven't been there in ages, which is just sad. You should come up and we'll go with DesMama!

abby said... [reply]

One of my friends started getting major break outs when she started dating her husband. His oily skin was not helping her complexion.

On Why Mormon Girls, I just heard about this blog the other day. It's kind of jerky, but it's true too.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Seriously, Azucar. I mean, I guess I should be grateful this was how he chose to do it rather than other, less sanitary methods.

Lesley-Ann, he really is. He's a sweetie, though.

Nells-Bells, I hear you. Luckily the only one who would have questioned me about the makeouts (my sister Jenny) didn't live close enough to see me.

Carly, I had NEVER heard of this happening before. To anyone. Ever. So to hear that you and Science Teacher Mommy know of what I speak is very reassuring.

Nemesis said... [reply]

STM, am looking over the "Why Mormon Girls Stay Single" and it's going to take me a moment to form something coherent. I mean, every now and then it's like, "okay, possibly true," but then, "Um, EXCUSE you??"

April, links are a pain in the butt to format, but if you DON'T then you risk having them get cutt off. There's an explanation here--it looks scary but I promise it's not that bad!

Yeah, Audra, I bet Levi would roll his eyes. But since he won the ultimate "getting to be kissing on Audra" prize he probably shouldn't get TOO worked up.

Emandtrev, we DO need to get together, and I think some Indian Oven would be fabulous. Let me start looking at what I can do.

Abby, that is kind of an ew story. But maybe now that they're married her face is used to his face. I hope.

Lady Susan said... [reply]

O.k. I have thought about this way too much, but I honestly don't think that he could have bit your lip (or whatever he did to it) and not know about it. I even went so far as to recreate such a scenario with the hubs (looking at it as a scientific study of sorts), and we both decided that it could not be done (ie causing damage to the lower lip unintentionally in a fit of kissing). It was a fun but not really informative venture.

In any case, I am glad you sorted it all out. And it makes for a really great story. Kudos also to your foresight in taking a picture.

blackjazz said... [reply]

It's amazing what lengths some people will go to with Photoshop to back up a made-up story ;-)

Cafe Johnsonia said... [reply]

Hee, hee, hee.

I cried after my first kiss with my husband--it's a long story. I'll tell you sometime, if you are interested.

Very funny story.

chosha said... [reply]

My first kiss with an ex-boyfriend was quite tragic - we just didn't get it right. We both just stopped and looked at each other and then I said, 'well, that sucked'. He laughed and said, 'yeah, it did'. Then we had another try and I'm not sure we stopped kissing again until we broke up a year later. I think he's the reason I like French kissing so much. :)

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