Getting through the work day

I think we all have those moments at work (or school, or wherever) where we feel that our brain is possibly going to start leaking out of our ears. My moments come when I deal with certain members of the public and I find myself saying things like "Seriously, I have 4 buttons on my screen and NONE of them will do the [completely unrealistic and unreasonable] thing you want me to do. And no, you can not touch my computer."

I am slowly learning ways to save brain matter, though. Here are a few tips and tricks I now keep at the ready in my arsenal.

For problems like the one above, I bring out this one: "I'm sorry, I did try." As in, sure, I actually pushed all four buttons and it looks like they really WON'T do the thing that you want. This may or may not be true, but then it stops people from parroting the words of, "But have you tried?" "Could you just try, though?" "How about if I take a look at your computer and try it?" See how it's better to just skip all that right in the beginning? I promise you it is.

When someone seems like a crazed schizophrenic who is about to ask me to look up the addresses and phone numbers of, say, all the chamber of commerce offices in mainland China, a good thing to do is to start asking a lot of questions to narrow down what it is he actually wants. Or, you know, even just one or two. He will get freaked out and retreat rather than be interrogated, and will then cast me furtive looks for the rest of the day because I am probably one of the many people tapping his phone. Who knew the Reference Interview could be such a handy tool?

When phoning the police to report that the drunken men refuse to leave the building, I must use the right vocabulary--words like "belligerent," "refusal," "disturbance," and "afraid it might get physical" are good if I want them to come in the next 30 minutes. One that will get them there pronto is "I think he may have a gun." (Note: may lose effectiveness if used too often.)

When someone says they want a "book on tape," I now clarify immediately by asking if they want it on tape or cd. Because 9 times out of 10 they actually mean cd and will look at me in a befuddled or even accusatory way if you bring forth an actual book recorded on a tape. Same when people ask me for a video. They actually want a DVD.

If I'm explaining how to do something for the first time (logging on to the computer, using the printer, performing a catalog search, etc.), I actually show them how to do it right there in the beginning. If I don't, there's a good chance I'll just have to do it later, and this will be after they've become frustrated by the whole business. I'm doing both of us a favor.

When someone silently holds out their wadded up bits of paper to me (the implication being that I should throw it away for them because I am the Trash Slave), I like to have fun with it. I ask what it is they're trying to hand me. "Is it a secret note? Because secret notes are fun. Oh, it's trash? I see, and are you asking me to throw it away for you?" Even if this doesn't help people remember to use their manners (or their words), it's still fun to NOT play along.

When someone walks up to you and offers up the preamble, "Now, are you aware of the fact that . . . ," I just go straight to my Happy Place. I may be there for awhile.

So. I realize that all of our jobs/schools/families/ways we spend our lives are different, but I would love to hear your tips as well. I'm pretty sure a lot of them will be universal, and I could always use some more!