Hey girl, here's how you be sympathetic

In the past month I've lost 10 pounds. I attribute this to a few things:

1. I downloaded the myfitnesspal app and am now tracking my calories & exercise

2. I caught the Tiny Dark Lord's stomach bug

3. I miscarried when I was 12 weeks pregnant and lost my appetite

I only recommend #1. It's a really good app.

So . . . about the miscarriage. One minute I was thinking, "Hey! I hit the 12-week mark! I can blog about this soon! Maybe tomorrow!" and then in the next, "Huh. This spotting that I was writing off as being perfectly normal seems . . . like it's getting worse." The doctor said to come in the next morning, and I spent that night obsessing about every twinge and cramp. Around midnight, I had a silent conversation with the baby, where I explained that our family loved and wanted her/him so much, and if there was something wrong with the body I was trying to grow for it, then that was okay. We can go ahead and reboot. We can start over again until we get it right. Thinking about it that way helped me to feel some peace.

The next morning, I started having lower back pains while making breakfast & almost convinced myself that this was just gas. I would go to the doctor, we would both have a chuckle about how everything turns out to be gas, and then he would play me the heartbeat of my perfectly healthy baby and maybe I would score an extra ultrasound and get a really great picture to bring home and put on my fridge, yay! Two minutes later, though, it became very clear that this was a miscarriage. And it really, really sucked.

My sister Jenny came over that night with dinner, magazines, and chocolate. She was angry that all the sympathy cards in the store were worthless and said things like, "Just remember, someone has it worse than you." Her response: "Um, eff YOU, sympathy cards! Where are the ones with Ryan Gosling saying, 'Hey girl,' on them, huh??" Which led to this, created by the brilliant and talented Alma Loveland*, because she is fabulous.

card by Alma Loveland. precious face by Ryan Gosling

My doctor says that one in five recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage, which means that a lot of you reading have already gone through this. It seems like the one rule is that nobody's experience is the same and you really can't predict (or mandate) what the grieving process will be like. I feel like I'm doing okay, though, and I recognize that there were a lot of blessings involved in how everything happened, even if it's not something where I would have been like, "Hey, this sounds awesome, sign me up!"

So. That's one reason why I've been a bit absent, but now I'm looking forward to doing more blogging. Future installments to come back for include "Making my child look even more like a British schoolboy" and "Watching Pitch Perfect with a returned missionary while sitting behind a bunch of girls who have maybe never seen a film before." It's going to be good times!

*psst. Go buy Alma's Olliblocks printables! You will be the coolest gift-giver this year, I promise.


Kayla @ Freckles in April said... [reply]

Oh man, I am SO sorry. I've had two miscarriages this year and I totally feel for you. It is not pleasant physically or emotionally. Blergh.

Also, the Ryan Gosling picture isn't showing up for me and it's breaking my heart a little bit.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Aw geez, Kayla, I'm sorry that you've had TWO! Blergh is right.

I re-uploaded the picture, is it coming through for you now? Because Ryan really wants to be there for you. :-)

Rachael said... [reply]

Oh, Nemesis, I'm so sad for you. I miscarried in August (at 11 weeks, so I get the "almost time to share!" feeling). It was THE WORST. I really hope you had a lot of people around to love you and let you sit quietly when you needed to and to make sure The Tiny Dark Lord had whatever he needed so you didn't have to take care of anyone but you for a while.

The Gosling picture is something you should probably cut out and put in your pocket to take out and stare at when you need it. Which is often, if you're anything like me.

When I blogged a bit about my miscarriage, someone commented that she was sending "lasers of positivity" to me, and now I'm doing it for you too.

Bebe McGooch said... [reply]

I am so sorry to hear about this. I hope your body will heal well, and your heart too. {{{hugs}}}

Lady Susan said... [reply]

((hugs!)). I am glad though that you have family near by that come through with the dinner, magazines, and chocolate.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Rachael, I read about your miscarriage and was so sorry. I loved the tree you planted, though! I thought about you, actually, when I bought a bunch of spring bulbs to plant in the yard. They should come up right around the time when this baby would have been due.

Bebe, thanks!

Lady Susan, I've been really, really lucky. That was one of the blessings, that there were so many people from my family and GH's to help out with babysitting, meals, etc. Everyone has been so very kind.

Lindsey Johnson said... [reply]

I'm sorry, my dear friend. Miscarriages suck. My first pregnancy ended at 10 weeks and people were like, "Oh, it happens to everyone! You'll be fine." And I wanted to punch them in the face because it hurts a lot no matter how far along you are or if it happens once or ten times.

I love the lasers of positivity comment. Add mine to Rachael's.

abby said... [reply]
This comment has been removed by the author.
Megan said... [reply]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I had to have a D&E recently myself, and it's been so surprising to me how common things like this are-- babies seem so much more miraculous now, for sure. I hope you're able to find comfort in your family, friends, chocolate, and the gorgeous Mr. Gosling.

Liz Johnson said... [reply]

Oh yuck. I'm so sorry. I've had three, and I've responded differently to every single one. But they all sucked. I'm so sorry. I'll also send lasers of positivity.

And I love that Ryan Gosling knows to keep some dough in the fridge. BLESS HIM.

Kara said... [reply]

I'm so sorry. Ryan Gosling is right, I don't know how you feel, but thank you for talking about it. I feel discussions like this go a long way in removing the stigma and even shame of miscarriage, as most people feel they need to suffer in secret.

Señora H-B said... [reply]

Aw, honey, I'm so sorry. I hope that you have the time you need to heal. It's so hard to talk about these losses, but it's a conversation that so many of us need to have! Thank you for sharing.

Brinestone said... [reply]

I think it should be officially mandated that all sympathy cards have Ryan Gosling on them. Well, at least the ones given to women.

Sorry about your miscarriage. I wish there was something wise or comforting I could say, but all I can come up with is, "That really, really sucks." :(

goddessdivine said... [reply]

Ok. That Ryan Gosling card needs to be manufactured and sold in stores. There's a serious market for that!

So, so sorry to hear about the miscarriage. That sucks melons. Shoot. If you still lived near me I'd come over and bake for you. Only, I don't bake....so I'd just bring you take-out or something.

elliespen said... [reply]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Been there twice. It sucks. Add my lasers to the rest, and let me know if I can do anything for you.

Sherry said... [reply]

Well those second two reasons for losing weight are spectacularly lousy. Boo.

Janssen said... [reply]

Oh, my heart just breaks for you.

As an adult, I'm now realizing how unusual it is that my mom had five pregnancies with no miscarriages at all - I know almost no other women in or out of my family who haven't had at least one.

But, I have to say, that Gosling picture? Pretty much the best thing ever, even if it was manufactured under such sad circumstances.

Loradona said... [reply]

So, basically I just blog-stalk you, but I think you're amazing and witty and funny. And this just sucks.
I... have no other words. I'm sorry.

AmyJane said... [reply]

Love you lots.

Amber said... [reply]

I'm so sorry, miscarriages are no fun. I had one a few years ago, and sometimes I still tear up about it. Thanks for always making us laugh. We heart you.

Bridget said... [reply]

Oh I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Saskia said... [reply]

I'm so sorry. Sending lots of digital chocolate chip cookies and Ryan Gosling vibes your way.

Sarah said... [reply]

I'm so so sorry, dear. Sending thoughts, prayers, and hugs your way.

Sarah said... [reply]

I'm so so sorry, dear. Sending thoughts, prayers, and hugs your way.

mj said... [reply]

So sorry to hear about this, Nem. That just sucks.

mj said... [reply]

So sorry to hear about this, Nem. That just sucks.

MBC said... [reply]

Oh, no! So sorry to hear this. All the best to you and your family.

Kayla @ Freckles in April said... [reply]

I can see the Ryan Gosling pic now and it really is probably the most perfect thing ever for the situation. I might print it out and put it on my fridge.

Missy W. said... [reply]

my thoughts on Pitch Perfect? Fat Amy RAN that thing...

Nells-Bells said... [reply]

i was really hoping zumba would also be included in one of your "i lost ten pounds because..."
i am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. but i think you are so blessed to have such cool sisters and friends (especially the one who made the ryan gosling card). i'm thinking she needs to get in the card business because i am there with jenny on all the sympathy cards really suck. can't wait for future posts. love you lots, girl!!

Elsha said... [reply]

Oh, I'm so sorry. Miscarriages just suck.

The Atomic Mom said... [reply]

I lurke here more than I comment, but after reading about your miscarriage I wanted to say something. I am so very sorry that you are going thru this. If I could hug you, I would. It is just a rotten thing to go thru no matter what. I hope you are healing, physically and mentally and emotionally. After my first m/c I would think I was find and then I would start crying for no reason other than I was sad, mad, all of it. I hope you have your reboot soon, I really do. Hug that cute little baby you have and I will pray for you tonite.

the firths said... [reply]

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, especially after 12 weeks of hard work. I wish you the best in recovering.

emandtrev said... [reply]

I've been thinking about you! A lot! My heart aches for you and I think you planting those bulbs is so lovely.

I'm sad I couldn't make it to the movie--can we go get Indian food? And go use coupons at ULTA?

You know I love you, girl. Many big hugs (cause you know I'm a hugger). :)

sarah said... [reply]

Dear Nemesis,
Wishing you healing. I'm glad you have a good sister who brings and says just the right things and a good friend who does magic with Ryan G.

Sending you kind thoughts from AZ.

Heather Rigby said... [reply]

I cried for you when I read this.

It is a rotten, rotten thing to have to go through and I'm sorry you had to experience it.

MJ said... [reply]

It sucks. I'm sorry. Hugs to you guys.

Kristi said... [reply]

I'm sorry. Miscarriages are hard. So many hopes and dreams and excitement, then disappointment. I hope you've had some more quiet moments of peace.

Shannon said... [reply]

So I'm late catching up on this; I hope you're doing OK. Glad your weekend was good, at least. My first miscarriage started at about 11 weeks, after having an ultrasound, expecting it to be normal, and finding it wasn't. Then I had to sit and wait for the miscarriage to begin. I never understood why people made a big deal out of miscarriages until I had one, and then three more. So many emotions, plus the physical agony too. Mourning, disappointment, anger, I could go on. I think the greatest blessing that came from that year was understanding what other people go through. Empathy. It may be small, but still a good thing.

I also love the Ryan Gosling card.

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