In the past month I've lost 10 pounds. I attribute this to a few things:
1. I downloaded the myfitnesspal app and am now tracking my calories & exercise
2. I caught the Tiny Dark Lord's stomach bug
3. I miscarried when I was 12 weeks pregnant and lost my appetite
I only recommend #1. It's a really good app.
So . . . about the miscarriage. One minute I was thinking, "Hey! I hit the 12-week mark! I can blog about this soon! Maybe tomorrow!" and then in the next, "Huh. This spotting that I was writing off as being perfectly normal seems . . . like it's getting worse." The doctor said to come in the next morning, and I spent that night obsessing about every twinge and cramp. Around midnight, I had a silent conversation with the baby, where I explained that our family loved and wanted her/him so much, and if there was something wrong with the body I was trying to grow for it, then that was okay. We can go ahead and reboot. We can start over again until we get it right. Thinking about it that way helped me to feel some peace.
The next morning, I started having lower back pains while making breakfast & almost convinced myself that this was just gas. I would go to the doctor, we would both have a chuckle about how everything turns out to be gas, and then he would play me the heartbeat of my perfectly healthy baby and maybe I would score an extra ultrasound and get a really great picture to bring home and put on my fridge, yay! Two minutes later, though, it became very clear that this was a miscarriage. And it really, really sucked.
My sister Jenny came over that night with dinner, magazines, and chocolate. She was angry that all the sympathy cards in the store were worthless and said things like, "Just remember, someone has it worse than you." Her response: "Um, eff YOU, sympathy cards! Where are the ones with Ryan Gosling saying, 'Hey girl,' on them, huh??" Which led to this, created by the brilliant and talented Alma Loveland*, because she is fabulous.
|card by Alma Loveland. precious face by Ryan Gosling|
My doctor says that one in five recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage, which means that a lot of you reading have already gone through this. It seems like the one rule is that nobody's experience is the same and you really can't predict (or mandate) what the grieving process will be like. I feel like I'm doing okay, though, and I recognize that there were a lot of blessings involved in how everything happened, even if it's not something where I would have been like, "Hey, this sounds awesome, sign me up!"
So. That's one reason why I've been a bit absent, but now I'm looking forward to doing more blogging. Future installments to come back for include "Making my child look even more like a British schoolboy" and "Watching Pitch Perfect with a returned missionary while sitting behind a bunch of girls who have maybe never seen a film before." It's going to be good times!
*psst. Go buy Alma's Olliblocks printables! You will be the coolest gift-giver this year, I promise.