I've probably turned down my only chance at marriage. Oh well.

I signed up for an LDS Linkup account a few months ago, mostly so I could keep in touch w/friends and ward members and stuff while I'm gone this year. I most specifically did not sign up for the "Find a Date/Fine a Match" option.

And yet, yesterday I received an email from LDS Linkup, sent by a 40-yr-old man from The Netherlands, who is apparently looking for true and eternal love. The message read "How are u doing?" He did not include a photo on his profile.

This immediately caused violent flashbacks to my three-month trial membership to LDSSO a few years ago, where the only people who wrote me were 40+ men. They were usually shirtless in their photos, and they were usually from Europe or Latin America.

And here's the thing. There is no shortage of intelligent and attractive women in their 30s and 40s on these singles sites. They're everywhere, and lots of them seem worth getting to know. So it's not like the 48-yr-old from Chile's only options are the 22-yr-olds from Provo.

To my Netherlands Love, I responded with this email:

"Thank you for your message, but I am not interested in "Meeting a Match" right now. Have a good day."

What I wanted to write, and what I should have written back in my LDSSO days (I was more of a shrinking violet then, you see) was this:

Dear Applicant,

I am very confused as to why I received a message from you. Did you not notice that I am only 22 years old? Did you also not notice that I have set my age limit at 30? And did you furthermore not notice that, at 46, you are well above the limit, and that if I took the difference between the limit and you I would have myself an entire other person who can legally drive?

I'm curious as to what you think we could possibly have in common (aside from the fact that you and my dad are the same age). It is unlikely that we have had similar life experiences. Our interests and hobbies are not the same. Not only are we from completely different generations, but from dissimilar cultural backgrounds, which would be a hindrance to any relationship, much less a relationship with a woman so much younger than yourself. There are many women on this site who would be more suited to you in terms of age, background, and interests. I'm unclear as to why you chose to contact me instead of these women.

The only thing I can think of is that you want to have lots of sex with a blonde American virgin who is young enough to be your daughter. This way, she can get you into the U.S. and have lots and lots of your babies, but will be too young and stupid to know what a raw deal she's getting.

Grow up, skeeze.

Sincerely,

Not Interested