I've probably turned down my only chance at marriage. Oh well.

I signed up for an LDS Linkup account a few months ago, mostly so I could keep in touch w/friends and ward members and stuff while I'm gone this year. I most specifically did not sign up for the "Find a Date/Fine a Match" option.

And yet, yesterday I received an email from LDS Linkup, sent by a 40-yr-old man from The Netherlands, who is apparently looking for true and eternal love. The message read "How are u doing?" He did not include a photo on his profile.

This immediately caused violent flashbacks to my three-month trial membership to LDSSO a few years ago, where the only people who wrote me were 40+ men. They were usually shirtless in their photos, and they were usually from Europe or Latin America.

And here's the thing. There is no shortage of intelligent and attractive women in their 30s and 40s on these singles sites. They're everywhere, and lots of them seem worth getting to know. So it's not like the 48-yr-old from Chile's only options are the 22-yr-olds from Provo.

To my Netherlands Love, I responded with this email:

"Thank you for your message, but I am not interested in "Meeting a Match" right now. Have a good day."

What I wanted to write, and what I should have written back in my LDSSO days (I was more of a shrinking violet then, you see) was this:

Dear Applicant,

I am very confused as to why I received a message from you. Did you not notice that I am only 22 years old? Did you also not notice that I have set my age limit at 30? And did you furthermore not notice that, at 46, you are well above the limit, and that if I took the difference between the limit and you I would have myself an entire other person who can legally drive?

I'm curious as to what you think we could possibly have in common (aside from the fact that you and my dad are the same age). It is unlikely that we have had similar life experiences. Our interests and hobbies are not the same. Not only are we from completely different generations, but from dissimilar cultural backgrounds, which would be a hindrance to any relationship, much less a relationship with a woman so much younger than yourself. There are many women on this site who would be more suited to you in terms of age, background, and interests. I'm unclear as to why you chose to contact me instead of these women.

The only thing I can think of is that you want to have lots of sex with a blonde American virgin who is young enough to be your daughter. This way, she can get you into the U.S. and have lots and lots of your babies, but will be too young and stupid to know what a raw deal she's getting.

Grow up, skeeze.


Not Interested


Johnny Newt said... [reply]

somehow the second response seems a little more sarcastic, mybe it's just me. I hope that all of the 20 year russian women i've gotten match-up messages from get some e-mails from your shirtless 40 year old Romeos. i'm sure they will also be "The MAn of there dreams" as well. They sometimes tell me that they love very much my structure. Just what is my structure...my house, the way I word my sentences? It's interesting how so many Russian women need about $2000 dollars for plane tickets to fly to my home and love me like dream man.
The airlines in Russia must be making a killing!

daltongirl said... [reply]

Yes, it is by no means certain another offer will ever be made you.

Seriously, I can't figure out what your problem is. Aside from the mentally disabled guy who wanted me to drive up to Salt Lake and mow his lawn, I only ever met the nicest people on LDSSO.

Maybe the old guys from foreign countries didn't write me because they knew I was old too, and I was on to them.

Remember the guy that took me out to lunch two days before I met daltonboy, and he was tearing up at all my touching stories? So sweet.

The only real problem I ever had was with people that had bad hair writing me. So I got that one guy to change his hair, and then I married him. Maybe you just need to take a chance on someone. Did you ever think of that?

Chris said... [reply]

Define bad hair Dalton Girl. Long hair, Lamb Chops, Mullets?

as for ldslinkup, nemsis, it has the word linkup in it. If you really just wanted to keep in touch with some friends, you should have joined ldswearejustabunchoffriends.com or ldsgetawayskeezeguy.com or the ever popular ldsidontwantainternetstalker.com

With a website with linkup in the title, you are just asking for trouble.

Oh, by the way, what's your username on linkup? As a Russian, from Brazil, living in the philippines I have all sorts of interest in good naive blond mormon american girls.

Anonymous said... [reply]

I am sorry that you did not become happy at picture of my muscles. I may have 46 years, but my heart is 22 and you are missing me soon. Your lose.

Love forever,

Skeezy Guy

Coop said... [reply]

I'm not sure that ending the letter with "grow up" would do the trick. He may try again in a few yeras. But at that time you'll be able to sick your 25 year-old British husband on him. So that'll be nice.

Coop said... [reply]

By the way, the fact that the times of Skeezy Guy's comment and mine nearly coincide is strictly coincidence.

daltongirl said... [reply]

Bad hair = really unflattering flat top, in Kevin Bacon military style. Fortunately, about four dates into it, he asked me what I thought of his hair, and when I tactfully suggested that something else might be more flattering, he immediately acquiesced. It was then that I knew he would be my companion for all eternity.

Chris is right, you know. Probably ldsletskeepintouch.com would have been a better service to link up with.

And Cicada, you're really funny!

CoolMom said... [reply]

I think you will survive quite nicely. I raised you with these situations in mind.

daltongirl said... [reply]

Oops! Sorry, Coop. I was so sure it was Cicada. Credit where credit is due--you're funny, too.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Thanks, Coop! And you're right, I will have caught myself a handsome husband by then. I forgot to mention in this post that my aversion to being a walking green card does NOT extend to hot Brits between the ages of 22 and 36.

You'll love it here, gents! We have Target and everything!

Th. said... [reply]


What I want to know is why all the really cool single people over 24 that I know are all female. What's happened to all the cool men? They must have existed at some point, right? Or maybe not. Maybe, if a man isn't married by his midtwenties, he turns into a monstrosity with a hairy chest, a lispy accent and no muscles between his eyelids and his groin.


Cicada said... [reply]

DG---Thanks for giving me undue credit. I really don't mind that so much, you know? It was actually really funny/confusing to read the random "Cicada, you're funny" in the middle of Nemesis's blog, but not only am I funny, I'm smart. I figured it out real fast. So if db had cut his hair in the bad way while you were engaged, would you consider breaking things off because you simply weren't attracted to him anymore?

Nemesis, I'm sorry that you turned down your only chance at marriage, but as you can tell from my post today, that's actually ultimately better for you on the happiness scale. What about Women With Lots of Cats? Were THEY included in the survey?

Th. said... [reply]


I finally had to give up my search for a Woman with a Lot of Cats.

In retrospect, that was probably the right decision.

chosha said... [reply]

Oh my gosh - your post made me laugh (would love to see Mr Skeaze's face getting that email) but the comments had me laughing out loud. I can no longer attempt anything like a serious comment. :)

As for hot brit guys, isn't that accent just so cool?? *teen girl sigh*

Savvymom said... [reply]

So are you really telling people you are 22? I thought you were supposed to be honest about your age until you turned 30.

Miss Hass said... [reply]

Wait, Nemesis isn't 30? when did that happen. Oh, wait, I was supposed to be lying for you. Oh gosh, I'm so embarrassed.

PS--thanks for leaving a nice comment on my link-up profile. Please don't erase it because I outed you.

Stupidramblings said... [reply]

I will tell my grandpa not to contact you again....

DanaLee said... [reply]

Nem, I have a new soup recipe for you. That has nothing to do with this post, but my email for you keeps bouncing back. The Link Up is a magnet for skeevy men, I think because it's free it entices them into action more openly.

daltongirl said... [reply]

After some thought, I believe you're limiting yourself, Nemesis. Consider these happy couples:

Emma Woodhouse + George Knightley
Dallin H. Oaks + Sister Oaks II
Janet Metcalf + Ed Dresser (my grandparents)
Katie Holmes + Tom Cruise

I urge you to raise your age limit by at least ten years. Also, you are not 22. Who knows what happiness awaits you? Not the happiest time of your life, of course, but we shouldn't ask for too much.

Savvymom said... [reply]

Yeah Nem. Don't you want to date Tom Cruise? He's such a stable person. I can't believe you'd rule him out.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Okay, see, I was 22 when I was doing LDSSO. I am now 26 and proud of it.

And it's true that some hot Mr. Knightley-type figgah may come along and cause me to make an exception. I mean, Jason Isaacs is 42 and I think we could totally have something. But I won't be making the exception for some decrepit illiterate pedophile, or the certifiably insane coughTomCruisecough.

Savvymom said... [reply]

Amen sister!

CoolboyH said... [reply]

Excuse me Nemesis,
But you seem to have forgotten that me and dave sent you a message while you were 22. That doesn't even get a mention?

CoolMom said... [reply]


Coolboy by far takes the funny cake on this one.

Savvymom said... [reply]

Why was that so funny mom? he didn't even say anything.

Kelly said... [reply]


I think we had the same people hitting on us. My favorite was the very large and furry 52 year-old divorcee with 5 children, all of whom he had custody of. Yummy!

Stupidramblings said... [reply]

Yikes kelly.

Please feel free not to give me a mental picture like that again.

Red said... [reply]

Send the second one. I would :)

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