9.14.2005

My letters to the world

Dear married couple who lives in my brother's apartment complex in Rexburg ID,

I understand that you are now married and can give in to those urges that have been just eating away at you for the first 19 and 22 years of your respective lives. Bully for you. However, I would ask that you not engage in satisfying said urges while on your balcony at 3:00pm in full view of my sweet baby brother who has to walk by your apartment to get to the laundry room.

This is why you have an apartment. You have a bed, floors, tables, kitchen counters--heck, you could even drag in the patio furniture you were abusing. I promise that we will all believe that you two love each other the absolute most and that no one else could possibly be as blissfully happy as you are without the public demonstration.


Dear married couple that stood in line in front of me at Coney's,

First off, sweetheart, that cowboy hat just looks stupid. Were you trying to shade your eyes from the nonglare of the sun? Did you come to Coney's straight from baling hay or something? Given that you were wearing platform shoes I find that doubtful. But this is all beside the point.

The point is that I would really appreciate it if you could stop sucking off your husband's face for the 28 seconds it takes to order your friggin' ice cream so that the attractive and ice-cream-deprived people behind you don't have to keep waiting to place their own order. If you really couldn't hold off for 28 seconds, why did you even bother leaving the house? That's why we have take-out, people.


Dear couples who show restraint and only engage in socially appropriate displays of affection whilst in public,

I salute you, and wish you a lifetime of the happiness that you deserve.


Dear every other couple who engages in line-crossing PDA within my presence,

You look ridiculous.
And everyone hates you.

33 comments:

edgy killer bunny said... [reply]

Amen. Especially to Ice Cream Suck Face Couple too. That really bugs.

And to Patio Couple, eww.

Spitfire said... [reply]

Wow.

I have always agreed with that, but recent circumstances give me reason to worry. Which category do I fall in to? If answering this honestly should not be done on the internet, please-feel free to give me a ring. Otherwise, I would sure like to know!

Coop said... [reply]

I have nothing clever to say, but I have to acknowledge the genius of that post.

daltongirl said... [reply]

Was that YOU in line behind us? Now I'm embarrassed. And I thought the cowboy hat looked so cute.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Sorry, daltongirl.

Let that be a lesson to all evil-doers. You never know if it could be me in line behind you, just waiting to get home and tell the entire Internet about you and your filthy ways.

DanaLee said... [reply]

Can you please write a letter to the couple that sits on the same side of the table at the restaurant and are so enamored with each other's tonsils that the waitress has to practically beat them with the menu in order to get their attention and take their order? Because bless their hearts, I just don't think they realized how they were holding up the show for the rest of us that needed to order.

Miss Hass said... [reply]

There's nothing like an inappropriate public display of affection to make me toss the ol' cookies. Oh, gross.

CoolMom said... [reply]

Cooldad and I were under the impression, based on the website, and the 14 page contract Coolboy had to fill out where he swore his life away, that our son was living in BYU-I approved men's housing. Where are these married people coming from?

I see these disgusting people all the time and I'm always tempted to ask if they charge more in public than private? Or maybe ask for their business card?

Mary said... [reply]

How 'bout this one: being the dutiful pious LDS maiden, that is I, who dutifully struggles to study her portable B of M at the laundromat one morning, desperately seeking to drown out Raunchy Couple A, who are clearly recapping the night before just a few whirring machines away.

Ick. Just Ick.

Savvymom said... [reply]

Spitfire if I ever see you sucking A's face off in front of other people I will kill you. Just thought you should know. If you haven't been doing that, then you have no reason to worry.

Nemesis said... [reply]

One of my triggers is the "Let's get all spoony & lounge all over each other on the floor like we're having our own private nap/cuddle time even though we're in a ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE" action. It makes my brain explode out my ears.

Spitfire, for my sake and yours, never do that (not that you ever would).

CoolBoyH said... [reply]

I dunno man, I was under the impression that she already had. (while we were at Savvymom's) But, it definitly could have been worse. I think it's that i'm hyper discrete about things like that, so when people do anything I get annoyed.

And mom, they've got one or two buildings of marrieds. I think they're all RA's too.

Stupidramblings said... [reply]

As a married hetero male super-genious, I have to say that I am in complete agreement with everything that has been posted in this blog and its subsequent discussion. And as said married hetero male super-genious, I salute you right thinking people who are against us doing what you said that they "those-people" did.

I am disgusted and repulsed. Don't they know that kissing is better AFTER the ice cream? Don't they know that they can be arrested on their balcony for ANY kind of abuse? Don't they know that the laundry mat is much to hot and humid to share more than a brief hello and a glance??

Come ON people. Wise up! Abuse, ice cream and laundry should be kept in private where it belongs.

Anonymous said... [reply]

Amen!! I witnessed the said couple at Coney's. I struggled to keep the custard down. And don't forget the nasty couples that can't keep their hands off each other at church. Why bother to come if you're just going to scratch/rub/massage your boyfriend or girlfriend's back/neck/shoulders/head? Stay home--you're not listening to the speakers anyway; just grossing out the faithful folks who actually come for spiritual enlightenment.

chosha said... [reply]

Coolboyh...Next time you should call out in a loud voice, "hey do you realise that the guy in 413 is videotaping you two? Gee, I hope it doesn't turn up on the internet..."

CBH said... [reply]

That would be SWEET!
I wasn't really thinking about it though. I was pretty startled and was focusing mainly on getting teh heck away.

Hey Rambles. Can they really get arrested for that? (rhetorical question, of course)

Nemesis said... [reply]

Before rambles answers, I should clarify. For anyone I may have accidentally misled, this couple was not actually committing The Act on the lawn chair. If they were, they could definitely be arrested and I would have made coolboy call the cops right then. They were just making out with much fervor, which, sadly, is not punishable by law.

CBH said... [reply]

I didn't think so. They worn't actually doing the nasty right there, but they were well into a game of tonsil hockey.

I spoke with a girl yesturday who didn't find anything wrong with it. Her reasoning was "They're married, they can do whatever they want!" After recovering from this statement, I tried to explain that yes, they can do whatever they want In Their Apartment. Out front on a shared balcony in front of 90 single guys is not the right place. It is also serious infringment on my rights of not being subject to cruel and unusual punishment and should therefore no be done. Not including the fact that it makes them look like nasty soliciters. She disagreed.

Some people are freaking weird.

Savvymom said... [reply]

The couple ahead of me at Costco today needs to read this. He was CARESSING her butt and all sides of her upper thigs. And she had a thin gauzy skirt on. It was sick.

Savvymom said... [reply]

I meant THIGHS.

Anastacia said... [reply]

I thought about this post today as I stood waiting to seat a couple and, to my horror, they completely disregarded me and proceeded to engage in completely unacceptable forms of PDA. I managed to stumble to the bathroom where I proceeded to soak my eyes. To make it worse she is the MVD woman. shudder.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Anastacia, what's MVD? Does everyone know what it is but me??

And cbh, your friend-who-is-a-girl is dumb. As we all know, it's not about what people DO, it's about what they do in front of us.

Th. said... [reply]

.

Man. I sure came late to this party.

Anastacia said... [reply]
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anastacia said... [reply]

I think in UT (and every other state) it is the DMV. Not in New Mexico. Here is is the Motor Vehicle Division. I have been in there no less than 5 times trying to get my license and each time one of the three scary women who work there make up a new requirement (Um... sorry. I really want to give you your license but you have to be able to do a one-armed chin up. Sorry.)

Red said... [reply]

Amen. PDA to just about any extent is disgusting and, yes, everyone hates you.

Stupidramblings said... [reply]

And since I don't log on until late most days I miss the opportunity to make a timely comment. Miss Nemesis I was sure you meant they were outrageous but not obscene, but I used your ambiguity to construe misdeeds that may or may not be true.

So there are no questions, I fall completely on the side of indoor, private PDA, or DA as it were. Let them stay out of public eye.

Desmama said... [reply]

How did that date with your roommate and Wal-Mart Boy go?

Cicada said... [reply]

Since everyone else has commented here, too... I loved this post, by the way. It made my special little day, and I amen the addition of couples in church. During Sunday School this last week, a guy had his head down on a desk (we have desks in our SS classroom) and his girlfriend was rubbing his head like crazy. If there were a genie in there, I knew what MY three wishes would be!

(A guy whose head I can rub in Church!)
(A guy whose head I can rub in Church!)
(A guy whose head I can rub in Church!)

Nemesis said... [reply]

Texmom, it didn't go well. She had a decent time, but it turned out that they didn't have much in common.

I was all for her giving him more chances, but I guess he kept calling her every day to tell her that he missed her and stuff. So that weirded her out a bit.

Isn't it sad that such a cool story ended in such a way?

chosha said... [reply]

Awww...how are we supposed to live vicariously through the romances of others if the Walmart Boy story has a sad ending. *sigh* I mean, we clearly can't rely on the Excessive PDA crew for inspiration...

Anonymous said... [reply]

Yes, yes. 3 cheers all around for the condemnation of of PDA. I cant talk TOO much because I like to make out whenever I think no one is looking. One of my longstanding life ambitions is to find out how long it takes to get thrown out of Sears for passionatly PDAing of one of their fourposters. Sorry Nemisis, I guess I'm just dirty. Like-minded females can send over applications to tyler.adams1@us.army.mil include photo and scan of complete medical record ;^)

Nemesis said... [reply]

Ah. You're in the army. It's all becoming very clear. ;-)

Thanks for commenting, anonymous, and I do hope all your wildest Sears dreams come true. If they come true anywhere near me, though, I'm calling the cops.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...