Speaking of . . .
I forgot to tell everyone the story of Registering with the NHS (alternate title: Welcome to a Year of Free Drugs, Baby!). It was pretty much the easiest thing ever. I had to get a prescription for my lovely beautiful friend Yasmin, so they sent me on back to speak with the doctor.
She took my blood pressure and asked me the fun standard questions.
Dr: "Do you smoke?"
Me: "No."
Dr: "How often do you drink?"
Me: "I don't drink."
Dr: "Are you sexually active?"
Me: "No, I have never been sexually active."
Dr: "Have you ever been pregnant?"
Me: "Um, no." (See above.)
Dr: "And what prescription is it that you want?"
Me: "Yasmin. My doctor back home put me on it for hormone-balancing and it's worked really well, so I'd like to stay on it."
Dr: "And are you using it as a contraceptive?"
Me: "No, just for the hormones." (Again, see above. Twenty-six years and counting, ma'am.)
Dr: "Well, we will have to put it down as a contraceptive because . . . because that's just the way we do things." (She looked worried here, like I might leap to my feet and yell, "I will not have the shame upon my house!")
Me: "Great, that's fine." (Just write the prescription. Write it now.)
Dr: "And are you aware of your breasts?"
Me: (blinking rapidly) "Wh--Excuse me?"
How do you even reply to that?
Possible replies
"Yes actually, I've been meaning to ask someone about that. It all started when I was about twelve . . . "
or
"Well yeah, but it's not like I organize my schedule around them or anything."
or
"Wait, why? Did you notice something? Oh my gosh what???"
Turns out she just wanted to know if I was taking steps to detect breast cancer. I lied and told her I was. (Note to all health-care providers or concerned citizens who may be tempted to make a PSA on this matter: I'm sorry and I will do better!)
So. There you have it. My sister savvymom tried to say that I had all these non-shoulder stories since coming to England, but now you know that there are only two. And we will never have to speak of this again.
Editor's Note: To my baby brother and my father and any other male who may read my blog. I beg you, by all that is good and right and doesn't want to make you put your own eyes out, not to read the comments this post has inspired. Just . . . trust me on this one. Seriously.
I'm Steph, a librarian and mom of 3 (not sure how that happened). Let's chat books, food, Sumptuous Literary Adaptations, poop, knitting and maybe some crazy Mormon Feminism.
26 comments:
BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Are you aware of your breasts? Yes, ma'am. Painfully aware as a matter of fact as they attract more attention than two mounds of flesh should.
PS--Do you remember the man with small hands? Just curious.
A breast story:
I went to the airport once and my underwire set off the alarm. So the woman who was sent to make sure I was secure came and started doing a very thorough pat-down of my breasts. I said, "OOooo! Does this come for free??"
Daltonboy: I didn't actually say "Does this come for free," because I think that's one of the things like "bomb" that you just don't say in the airport. But I thought it. I thought it real hard.
Oh, and Nem, I didn't mean to forget to echo Miss Hass: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Seriously, this is a good one. I actually love stories about unwed Mormon girls and gynocologists. I promise she really thought that you were lying the whole time you were saying that you were a virgin. When I was in Rome I was having a p-day adventure with some elders and sisters one day. There were eight of us total. We took a picture at a virgin temple, and I said, "We're probably the largest group of adult virgins in this whole city right now!" And it was probably true.
Cicada, I'm sure she did think I was lying. They only believe you in Utah Valley, where they walk into the room and say, "So, you're getting married, how exciting!" Then you have to say, "No, I'm not, actually."
File this under the TMI heading... Speaking of gynecologists who don't believe your virginity:
My first appointment with a gynecologist made me nervous. She was asking me similar questions to Nemesis', and she gave me a look like, "Yeah, right" to my answer to the sexually active question. So when she was in the middle of actually checking on the plumbing, she had the gall to say, "Well, it looks like you really are a virgin."
Really. I had no idea. Thanks for believing me. I mean, if you really are that incredulous, keep it to yourself.
I love breast stories...I am fascinated by the opposite gender's fascination with our dirty pillows, if you will.
I got felt up at an airport coming home from my mission - like Cicada's story...only that was the first physical contact I had had with a man in a year and a half...I should have realized then that post-mission life was not going to bode well for me.
I wish I could have seen your face when she asked you that question. I know I would have had a look of shock.
Why is it hard to believe that people can be single, in their 20s and a virgin? The govt doesn't think it possible. Case in point: When at my dermotologist and discussing possibly using accutane he told me that I would have to sign a thing promising to use two forms of birth control--and abstinence is not one of them! They don't think people can exhibit self-control. I was horrified (and not to mention insulted) and said they ought to come to Utah!
Hass, that sounds vaguely familiar . . . wanna email me the details?
Le, that's just dumb. A doctor should be more professional.
Redlaw--thanks for teaching my baby brother a new word, there. ;-) Where did you serve your mission?
I hear you, Kristen. I mean, I can understand where they're coming from, because patients do lie (that or misunderstand the question) all the time. And don't even get me started on the people who don't finish their antibiotics prescriptions . . .
My seventeen year old baby sister was recently put on Accutane and they made her and my mom and my dad all sign papers SWEARING that she wouldn notbe engaging in any hanky panky at BYU Idaho. Also they ask again every single time she has a checkup if anything has changed there and does she please jsut want to take birth control anyway.
Amyjane, I'm surprised the doctors let that one slide. My understanding was that they still put you on some hormonal contraceptive, even if it's just on the .00001% chance that you might get raped, end up pregnant, and have to abort the fetus. Worst-case scenario, I know . . .
And Jessica . . . I'm not sure what that thing is that you mentioned. But please don't tell me here--I've already had to warn my brother away from this post! :-)
Savvymom--I love AK doctors.
Yeah, so I didn't really think this thread got TMI until Jessica Benet's last post.
As for 'the new word' i didn't even get it untill later, and I can't imgaine myself using that one. I like 'sparking zippers' much better. Not to mention I can use that against the pervs next door.
And as for airport security, I think I'd rather be arrested and in the news than let some fat lady with a badge feel up on my dirty pillows. Seriosuly if i was in that position i'd slap those hands away and say "Back up wench! no pay, no play! And even then, you're not getting anything! If you've got a warrent or a private room with a doctor in it i'll think about it, but you're not about to feel me up in front of 1,000 people!" I'd then yell out my name and the address of the nearest police station so that when people see it on the news they coudl send me brownies, or cookies, or even money.
P.S. "A brest story" is an awesome way to begin a piece of writting. Props to you Cicada. Props to you.
As the resident redcoat, I feel obliged to comment, though it is hard to know what to say. I guess it is a sad indicement of life in the UK in 2005 that a doctor doesn't believe a woman (of whatever age) is a virgin. I too took the contraceptive pill before I ever had sex, and ok that was a few years ago now (well I am over 40) but that didn't happen then.
As far as the breast thing goes, well how stupid was the doctor? Stick to nurses, that's my advice!
Bwahahahahaha!!!!!
I now have a new come-on for Bret: Are you aware of my breasts?
Ha haa ha ha!!
I love boob talk. So great.
By the way, with the Acutane, and Amyjane's sis, it is surprising that her doctor let her not at be on birth control. That's totally against the law.
By the way, I hate it some people assume that just because someone goes to BYU that they won't be having an hanky-panky going on. (Not that I think your sis would be doing such, Amyjane.)
I had a roomie who transferred from BYU Idaho and her boyfriend went to BYU Provo, and let me tell you, there was a lot of serious hanky-panky going on. But that's another subject for another post I guess.
Back to breasts!
One time at the MTC I was trying to go out the door to the mailroom and an elder holding a large box was trying to come in. We collided and the box jammed into my chest--I think he turned about 5 shades of red! (Definitely aware of the breasts)
Oh, and I do know some elders who were once asked by a lady if they were "really virgins". When they said yes, she started laughing hysterically and didn't stop for about a minute!
Wow, there were a lot of "I love breast stories" in the comments. That's...um..odd.
Similar story: in college I had an allergic reaction to something and broke out in hives. I went to the campus nurse for advice. She asked me if I could be pregnant.
ME: No.
NURSE: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
NURSE: Are you really sure?
ME: Um. Yes. I'm not pregnant.
NURSE: Okay. You're positive now?
ME: Well. I've never. Had sex.
NURSE: Oh. Then I guess you're not pregnant.
ME: That's what I said.
It was quite annoying.
In Croatia, as a young woman if you go to a doctor for...let's just say constant migrane, or perhaps blurry vision, you end up with an ultra sound because you must be pregnant!
Doesn't matter that you say, "I have never had sex, nor do I plan on having sex for at least the next two years." The Doctors' responses would always be something along the lines of "But you're young and you're pretty! All of these symptoms are happening because you must be pregnant!"
Just like my apartment was poisening me because I had inflamed sinuses! Brilliant I tell you! Pure genious!
Sakhmet, I can imagine exactly how you could have said that, including the sigh. And it makes me giggle.
Cbh--"sparking zippers"? Who even raised you??? Is that what they're teaching you at that filthy Church school?
Julie--thanks for commiserating. I will do my best to stick with nurses, because all both of them that I know are just lovely!
Daltongirl--thanks for giving me yet another detail of your sex life. Really.
Metamorphose--Please just picture me nodding and going, "MMMM-hmmm!" Because that's what I'm doing as I'm reading your comment.
Foxyj--ha hahahah! Those poor elders. Tee hee hee.
April, that is too funny. And since when does pregnancy cause hives?
Foodie, please remind me never to fall ill whilst in Croatia. It seems like it would be sort of a long haul to get anything diagnosed.
Sorry. I was afraid I had gotten away with myself on that one. I just think innocent women don't always know what to do about things like that (or that the problem even exists in the first place). I'll delete my comment anyhow, just in case.
No, Jessica, you don't have to do that! I looked up the divacup thing and it was totally not what I thought you were talking about. (But even if it was, you're still fine.)
Apparently the doctors in Rexburg are illegal freaks. And thanks for the idea that my baby sister could get raped and pregnent, Nem. Thanks a lot. Since that hasn't been the subject of every other nightmare I have had since she turned ten. Just kidding. She's fine, although apparently illegal.
AJ, I promise I'm not willing any thing bad to happen to your sister! First off, I don't think it ever could, because she's a tough one who can kill people. But her doctors don't know that.
Why do we automatically assume that doctors assume a patient is lying about virginity in this situtation?
I do think that it is possible that some doctors do assume you are not a virgin. I don't think their words give that assumption necessary weight.
Is it also possible that the doctor assumes that different people interprete the words "sexually active" in different ways, and instead of defining the words in a very icky way, they just beat-around-the-bush?
Hi Christovich, and welcome! I think the reason we sometimes assume that our doctors assume we are lying can be seen in stories like le's.
But, you do raise a really good point about interpretation. It could be that not every patient understands the full gamut of what "sexually active" can mean. And just because someone is a technical virgin, that doesn't mean that they aren't engaging in sexual behaviors that could expose them to health risks.
So yeah, go you!
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