The one where my head explodes

So you know how I posted about the wedding yesterday? Here comes the second half.

You know how in the US there's the whole thing with the bachelor parties? When sweet Mormon boys say they're having a bachelor party, what that really means is that a bunch of guys are getting together to play video games, eat pizza, drink root beer, and say "Dude" a lot. Because that's all you're left with once the booze and the strippers get nixed.

Anyway. Let's cross the pond. Over here they have Stag and Hen Nights. Hen Nights are pretty much Girls' Night Out and are more about food and talking and giggles and maybe spa treatments if you're really lucky. Now, let's say that your typical Stag Night is comprised of 10% food, 30% alcohol, 30% strippers, and 30% pranks. (Don't kill me if the math is off--this is just an estimate.) The sweet Mormon boys around here have decided to adjust the percentages to 20% food and 80% pranks.

Now, I hate pranks. Hate, hate, hate them. My sense of humor toward prankery was killed in junior high when I was on the wrong end of some, and there's just nothing to be done for it. To me, most pranks are nothing more than a protected form of either vandalism or physical/emotional abuse. I can't even watch that show Punk'd because it gives me a stomach ache and makes me want to kick that smug Ashton Kutcher's stupid teeth out and then shove that stupid beanie of his down his throat. But I realize that's just me, and some people can merrily prank away with each other and everyone is on the same page and is okay with it. Fine. Whatever.

Back to Stag Nights. Here are just a few of the things that have been done to grooms by their Mormon buddies during Stag Night:

Stag #1 was taken into the town center and tied to a lamppost wearing nothing but white Speedos and a bow tie.

Stag #2 had his pubic hair dyed green, and then his groomsmen talked about it in the speeches at the wedding reception in front of his virgin bride, her family, and all their guests. (Editor's note: Savvymom and I have now decided that there should be bouncers at weddings.)

Stag #3 was taken up to a local observation point in the park, laid out on this compass stone like a pagan sacrificial offering, and had his body smeared with baked beans, raw eggs, ketchup, and fish guts.

Now, this is stupid. It just is. How is this fun? Why would somebody sign himself UP for something like this? Also, is this how you celebrate what is supposed to be the most important and (to Mormons) most sacred event of your life? Of course, maybe some people reading this are thinking "Yeah, well, it's all in good fun . . . " Only I'm not done yet, because has anyone else sensed the escalation pattern here?

Stag#4 is the groom of the wedding I've been invited to. His buddies took him to dinner, and then took him out somewhere and started throwing all the gross food and stuff on him. Only some of them were throwing whole eggs which he said actually hurt quite a bit and left bruises. Then, they bound and gagged him, stuffed him in the trunk of their car, and started driving around over speedbumps.

Now, this is where I start having some real problems with this, even if the prankee was consenting. What if he started having trouble breathing back there or got sick? How would they know? What if they got into an accident or someone rear-ended them while he was back there? Do they think the "Um, we're friends and we were just playing around" defense is going to hold up then? They also took pictures of him in the trunk and sent them to the bride on her camera phone, so that she could worry about whether or not he was ok. (Let me just say here, if anyone, family and friends included, ever puts me into the trunk of a car, they will find themselves with a set of kicked-out tail lights and every single criminal and civil charge I can possibly press against them. Because you just don't mess around with my life like that.) And also, I can't believe that these are men who have been taught to be responsible citizens and Christlike individuals, yet are doing things that most other people would have to be severely drunk to even consider.

Also, I'm not done yet.

Because it turns out that the groom has diabetes, and his friends knew it. But they decided that a good idea would be to put a whole bunch of laxatives in his dinner, just before the "driving around in the trunk" incident. Landlady J's mother was a diabetic and she says that's absolutely the most dangerous and irresponsible thing you can do to someone with diabetes, because it makes their blood sugar levels drop dramatically and can put them into a diabetic coma or just make them drop dead. So, these guys have absolutely no idea what they're doing, but are just so excited about their chance to behave like drunken soccer hooligans that they don't care, and at this rate something is going to go badly.

So. I am going to stop now, before my brain start leaking out my ears.

I welcome your comments.


Cicada said... [reply]

I have nothing that I can possibly add to this. What you have written is absolutely shocking. And apalling. I am shocked and apalled. But seriously. I mean, I know that you and I are good friends, but when during a friendship does it occur to someone that doing something like this would be really fun and funny?

And when does it occur to the groom that maybe going out with his derranged friends for the bachelor party is not actually a good idea? I'm all for the pizza and pop. That seems like an okay sort of activity.

amyjane said... [reply]

no words. savvymom warned me about this post so i wouldn't start screaming reight here at my desk.

Rachel said... [reply]

This just goes to prove what I have always known--boys are stupid. And as my mother always used to say, "One boy has one brain. Two boys have half a brain." And the boy to brain ratio continues to widen exponentially as boys are added to the group. It's stories like this that make me glad I'm single and a girl.

kristen said... [reply]

These boys have the mentality of 13-14 year olds (I should know...I teach jr high!) This is something I would expect my students to do, but boys who are in there 20s?

I thought weddings were supposed to be sacred! To me, this is treating their temple wedding/sealing like it's a joke or game. This is a que for the woman to dump her pre-pubescent (sp?) fiance for someone who takes his temple covenants seriously.

(Dude, the pubic hair story is nauseating, not to mention insulting to the wedding party!)

redlaw said... [reply]

You know, I am a prankster - I have pulled a few pranks in my day...but mine were funny (well, I thought so, anyway).
These doen't even sound like pranks - it sounds like mindless, VERY irresponsible behavior - like drunken five year old behavior (not that I've ever seen a drunken 5 year old).
This kind of behavior gives both men and pranks a very bad name.

Th. said... [reply]


Hey hey hey!

I'm appalled too!

I have never and will never be part to something half so awful. Never! It's not in me!

Let's not lump all men together here....

Squirrel Boy said... [reply]

Wow. And I always thought the British were supposed to be more civilized than us.

April said... [reply]

Wow, those are some pretty horrid stories. Those aren't pranks, they're potentially quite harmful and shouldn't be justified as just goofing off. Now, I was kidnapped one time as a prank, but I was allowed to ride in the backseat of the car and I at least received a free ice cream sundae afterwards. But those other stories could lead to a lot of harm.

ambrosia ananas said... [reply]

Wow. It reminds me of a story I read (fiction) about a bachelors' party where they get roaringly drunk and chain a ball & chain to the groom-to-be's leg. Only then, since he's roaringly drunk, he crashes into a lake. And drowns, on account of he has a big old ball and chain strapped to his leg.

Anyway. . . .

CBH said... [reply]

The Retards that Live Below Me tried to prank us the other night. It was a very sorry and unsuccessful attempt, which was just minutes after I had put ice melt on everyone's steps so they wouldn't slip and fall. I was extremely temped to bring out the gallon of human urine that I may or may not have under my sink from when our toilet was broken and pour it out all over their door and steps and let it stink + freeze. Problem is, it would only take about 2 seconds for them to figure out who did it, and get me expelled from school. So I didn't. But I REALLY wanted to.

Stupidramblings said... [reply]

This is not prankery; it is abuse--both sexual (green hair) and physical (diabetic trunk ride). It's no wonder these things are shocking and apalling, they offend The Spirit and ruin the innoncence of otherwise decent humans.

I was thinking as I read your examples of some of the wrestling (and/or other high school sports') hazings I have heard of people going to jail for. There are two incedents that happened in recent years that grabbed national attention and got coaches fired. (I won't explain what happened; the stories are too offensive to tell.) *(The coaches were not fired for committing the crimes--only for allowing the culture that led to them.)

I would hope my friends were better than that. If I had been raised in the British Isles, I would hope I would have chosen friends who would choose to prank me only if it was something silly and harmless like filling my car with 70,000 golf balls or putting salt in my soda. Mutilation and abuse don't fall under that 'harmless' category.

Stupidramblings said... [reply]

Ugh...I'm feeling sick now...

Savvymom said... [reply]

I hope someone calls the cops on those people, prefferably BEFORE some dies.

Julie said... [reply]

"Wow. And I always thought the British were supposed to be more civilized than us."

Well I would hope most of us are more civilised than that!

The Craner Family said... [reply]

That is one of the sickest things I have ever heard!! I can't believe anyone would do this to each other and think it is funny!

The Divine Miss A said... [reply]

I really don't have anything to add either. Just to say that I, too, am shocked and appalled. Well, you managed to keep your promise. Holy cow!

P.S. On a much different note, my verification word is edleg.

banana said... [reply]

As a British person I am appalled.

I went to a wedding in the summer and at the reception they decided to show the pictures of what they had done as a slideshow via projector. This included the groom in a speedo handcuffed to a lamppost. Why would this be funny? There was also a whole commentary whilst the pictures were shown including some rather offensive innuendos.

I found ot very hard to believe that these were members!

Nemesis said... [reply]

Okay, I'm going to answer everyone, only I need to say first that Blogger seemed to have had some sort of hiccup on Saturday and erased some of your comments. It wasn't me! I can't remember what they all were, but I know Daltongirl posted one asking what WR thought of the whole Stag Night thing, and then he posted one where he cited the 5th Amendment.

Only I don't know that the Brits GET to cite the 5th Amendment. But I do know that the one Stag Night he planned involved a curry dinner and (he says) nothing else.

So I know you're all busy and have lives an' stuff, but if anyone is offended at having their comment dumped then please repost. Blogger also dumped a comment that I made on Redlaw's blog right around the same time, and I was totally offended.

Laurie said... [reply]

Personally, I think people should go to jail/get sued for pranks like you mentioned.

I knew a guy who, for his stag (not LDS), got drunk with his buddies, and they threw him into a box car naked the night before the wedding. He woke up at the other end of the country. The wedding had to be postphoned becuase there was no way he could get there in time, especially in light of him having to spend time in jail for public indecency. Having no ID or money, it was considerably more difficult for him to prove who he was, which was not a criminal.

Luckily, no harm otherwise came to him, like by falling out of a moving box car.

People are dumb.

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