When I am a Smug Married I will wear purple. And a muzzle.

image source

Remember how WR and I went to that wedding last weekend and ate roasted meats until we were both sick? During the reception, I learned that people don't reserve the cringe-inducing questions/advice for just the Singletons--they're for the dating people, too. Turns out that some folks will walk up to two people who look like they might possibly be together, or are maybe just standing near each other, and say, “So, are you two married? Are you at least thinking about it, though?” (Thanks. Like the guys need one more reason to run away screaming into the bracken.)

So that got me thinking back to all the things people have said to me and to my friends. Because, you know, if you're single, that's a problem. If you're single and LDS, it's an even bigger problem. I'm pretty sure that being 22 and single in the LDS culture is the same as being 35 and single in the Regular People world--like, you start to wonder if maybe you should be getting your eggs frozen.

So I've decided to make a list, just in case I ever get to be a Smug Married, at which time the euphoria of not having to worry about dying alone and being eaten by cats might just take over. And much like those women whose bodies produce endorphins which make them forget just what a crappy thing childbirth was, I might just forget those years and years of singleness, and how every thoughtless comment from someone was like a drop of acid in the paper cut, and I might actually start saying some of those bone-headed things.
So. Here is the list:

Things I Must Never, Ever, Ever Say to Single People. Ever.
Note: I am not making any of these up. These have all been said--if not to me, then to my friends. I hope it's okay that I'm using these! Also, please do contribute to the list, because I'm sure you've got some of your own!!!

“So . . . are you dating anyone?” (This question is only fun if we are, and we usually aren't. We know you mean well, so stick with “So what’s new?” and you’ll be fine. )

“Don’t worry, it’ll be your turn soon.”

“Wow, I am SOOoooo glad I’m not single anymore.” (You can think it--just don't say it.)

“You know, marriage is just a better way to live.” (You will deserve whatever you get if you say this, because even if it's true there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. You might as well say, "You know, being pretty is just a better way to live.")

“Hey, once you get engaged/married we’ll be able to hang out!” (Sure, if by "hanging out" you mean that I get to hit you in the face with a folding chair.)

“Now, in that dash up the corporate ladder, be sure to leave some room for marriage and family!” (said to AmyJane, the elementary-school teacher)

“So why do you think it is that there are so many single girls out there?” (Only I don’t mind this one so much, because if someone asks me for my opinion I am just fine with letting them have it.)

“So why didn’t you go on a mission then, if you weren’t married?” (Gosh, I guess I didn't go because it was none of your business!")"Does it ever bother you that you're still single?" (C'mere. I'll show you bothered.)

"So when you do get married, you'll probably need to start having babies right away, what with the increased risk of birth defects and all."

Well, guess what's coming right up for you? Menopause! (thank you, Daltongirl's grandmother)

Wait, so your sister is younger than you and she's married? That's kind of funny, don't you think? I mean, what's that about?

Now, don't worry that you're still single. Just remember the scripture where 7 women cleave to the one man. That should give you some comfort. (thanks to Streets' grandfather and the huge family gathering at which he said this)

You're probably going to be the next Sheri Dew. I just love that Sheri Dew. (For the non-LDS crowd, Sheri Dew is a popular leader/speaker/author person in the Church. She is also single, which made a whole bunch of Mormons blink and become confused when she was put in positions of, like, authority and stuff where she told married people what to do. Only she kicks trash, even if some dear single girls have turned her into a patron saint of sorts, which is kind of taking things a bit too far, I think.)

You'll make such a wonderful stepmother when you finally meet some nice divorced man/widower. (thanks, Danalee's mom)

Huh. It used to be that only the fat and weird girls went on missions. (And thank you, Foxyj's mom)

You know, perhaps if you had children of your own you would understand my child better . . . (to Amyjane by a mother whose child is destined for prison and possibly hell)

Hey, so my son just got divorced and asked how you were doing . . .

So, like, you've gotten over me, right? (said by Smug Married Ex of mine, and no, I don't sometimes dream about really really bad things happening to him and about me laughing and pointing.)

And that's all I have so far. Can't wait to see what y'all add!


SavvyD said... [reply]

It seems to me that you left a whole lot of the good ones out!

What about all the comments you told me during your last 6 months in Utah?

They were way better than the ones you posted here!

I wrote them down somewhere, crap where did I put them....

Savvymom said... [reply]

Sorry about that fertility comment. Also, that poodle haired girl and I never did hang out after I got married.

Tiffany said... [reply]

This has nothing to do with being single, but if I hear "When you are having your next child?" I think I'm going to throw up on the questioner's shoes.

I suppose for singles it would be "Well, don't you want to have children?"

daltongirl said... [reply]

You took my best one, but on my mission a guy said to me, "So you're out here because you couldn't get married, right?"

Actually that had very little to do with why I was out there. The real reason was because I was fat and ugly, which has nothing to do with getting married. Plenty of guys are attracted to fat, ugly women.

amyjane said... [reply]

I love that both my zingers came from the heart of innocent little Pleasant Grove. Remember Aaron, the thrid grader who took me aside to explain that they had learned in FHE that if I didn't get married I wasn't going to the Celestial Kingdom? I loved that on the best--corrupting the young.

Lady Steed said... [reply]

Reading this has made me very afraid that I have maybe said one or two of these things to you, if so I apologize.

I don't want to be a Smug Married!

Lady Steed said... [reply]

PS: Yippee! You finally added me to your list of Friends and Right Thinking Individuals.

My life is now complete.

Absent-minded Secretary said... [reply]

"Nice girls don't go to grad school. Nice girls get married." (Grandma)

Coworker asked how old I was on my birthday. My answer was 30. Her response, completely shocked, knocked out of her socks shocked, otherwise I know she never would have said it, because she is a very nice person: "But that's old! And you aren't married! What are you going to do?" My response: "Why panic now? I'm only a day older than I was yesterday."

Oh, and from my hometeacher: "You are the type of girl that every guy wants to be married to, but no guy wants to date." (Thanks, I think.)

From a bishop: "Some women just aren't beautiful, in the traditional sense. Maybe you should work on other aspects and qualities, and focus less on intellectual, since some guys can be turned off by that. After time your real strengths will shine." (Well bishop you just told me that I am unattractive, and that I should not use intelligence, what "real strengths" are you talking about? Cookies? Because you are right, I do make pretty good cookies. But I don't want a guy to marry me just for them.)

Nem, are we still fighting over the Chili's song? (Sorry) ;)

Nemesis said... [reply]

Savvydad, I'd love to hear them, because I don't remember!

Savvymom, of course you guys never hung out afterwards--you only hang out with nice people.

Aw man, Tiffany. I've had lots of married friends who get that--it's like you just can't please some people. I think my response is going to be, "Actually, I just found out that I'm barren. Thanks for bringing it up."

Yes, daltongirl. Yes they are.

Bwah! I'd forgotten about that one, AJ. Good times, good times . . .

Lady Steed, you have never said anything remotely like anything on my list. Have no fear, sweetie. You are a Fab Married.

ABS, we are not fighting anymore, because now I have a whole list of other people I'm gunning for, like your granny, your home-teacher, and your bishop. There are no words.

Oh! I forgot one that has been said by people in my parents' ward, once they got tired of asking if I was dating anyone: "So, you're just kind of focusing on your career, then, huh?"

The Walrus said... [reply]

those are all pretty funny! :)

kristen said... [reply]

How about after asking if you're dating someone, and you reply "no", you get a "well, that's okay!" (Is it now?! I'm so glad you said that, because I was really worried!)

I liked your responses to some of those questions. I'll have to try them.

abby said... [reply]

My personal favorite is "Why aren't you married yet?" My reply is if I knew the answer to that question I would be married.

Compared to absent minded's bishop, my bishop must be really cool. He sat there and told me there was nothing wrong with me. He didn't know why this had to happen to all the great girls in our ward. He then told me to talk to his wife who got married at 28. He also said the boys in our ward needed their butts kicked. I love my bishop.

I have to agree with Nem I felt like an old maid in a BYU singles ward at 22. I also don't know why ex-bf's think you're hung up on them all the time. The relationship didn't work out for a reason...duh!

chosha said... [reply]

During dinner with two aunts and two uncles, talking about the hassles of having children, one aunt turned to me and said, "well I guess that's one thing YOU don't need to worry about, chosha!"

"You girls can't just sit around and wait for someone to find you! You have to go out and get them!" (from a woman who was pursued by her now husband for six months before she agreed to go out with him)

"You're still a mother in Zion." (Gosh I love Mothers Day.)

And did you ever read the post I wrote about the friend who gave me an ENORMOUS teddy bear for my birthday and told me (in front of my male flatmate and a boy from my seminary class) that they were giving me this bear because it "will give me something to cuddle at night". (Mmmm. Unfortunately Haloscan has erased the comments from that post. My favourite was from a guy who simply wrote: "Some people should just not be allowed to talk to other people. Ever.")

Cicada said... [reply]

AMS--I had a friend whose bishop did pretty much the same thing: "It doesn't matter that you're not beautiful, the boys will be attracted to your other charms." The fact was that she had guys clamoring for her all the time, so it's not like she even needed a "you're not beautiful" comment from the bishop. (Nem, that was KK from work back in the day...)

From every old man I've ever talked to: "I just don't know what's wrong with young men these days. If I were a young man, I'd marry you in a second!"

And my personal favorite, as I was making a sandwich with homemade bread in the breakroom one day years ago:

Old Man: If your husband doesn't come in here and sit beside you soon, I don't know what I'm going to do!

Me: Actually, I'm not married.

OM: Well, your boyfriend, then.

Me: Actually, I'm not dating anyone.

OM: I don't know what's wrong with men these days. Are you from Montana?

Me: No.

OM: Wyoming?

Me: No.

OM: Where, then?

Me: Canada.

OM: Oh! Alberta!

Me: No. Ontario.

OM: Oh. Well. I was going to say that you remind me of a stout farmgirl from Montana.

He then goes on to tell the story of "Fanny's Dream," a children's book that is essentially about a fat farmgirl who dreams of marrying someone handsome and smart and who ends up marrying someone who's simple and ugly.

And then I tried to slit my wrists with the butter knife.

The McCulloch Family said... [reply]

That was my old bishop Cicada. Sorry. If it makes you feel any better he would ask the men in my ward during their interviews why they weren't taking me specifically out.

jaime said... [reply]

Well, I guess one of the better comments I have received went something like this:

Guy I work with: "So, how old are you anyway?" (Note...this is a question nobody should ever ask unless you are 3 years old)

Me: "Older than you probably think."

Guy: "Really, like 24 or something?"

Me: "No, but if you must know I am 29."

Guy: "Wow, that really is getting old." (Without any pause at all or even taking a breath). "Do you have cats?"

Me: "No, I am terribly allergic, thank you very much!"

At this point to prevent me from hitting him, I simply walked away. I know he didn't mean to cause me pain, but I certainly didn't appreciate the spinster implications. :)

abby said... [reply]

For some reason I'm full of comments today. I am reminded of a guy I met at a dance several months ago

Him: How old are you?
Me: 28 (I should have said it is impolite to ask a lady her age)
Him: Wow...you're like old wine.
Me: You're saying I'm fermented.
Him: I'm saying women get better as they age
Me: (Skeptical look)
Him: I'm going to die aren't I.
Me: Yes

Miss Hass said... [reply]

My aunt: "It just takes one..." No $#!t? Seriously?

My 18-year-old sister-in-law: "I just feel so sorry for single people. I'm so glad I'm not single anymore." Yes, sweetie, because being single for all of five minutes out of high school must have been so difficult.

My mom: "I promise you that if you lose weight you'll get married." I promise you that if you don't shut up you're going to get punched in the face.

Former bishop 1: "If you look at a picture of people getting married in the temple every night before you go to bed and if you make a scrapbook of all the things you'd like at your wedding, you'll get married within 6 months." Huh?

Former bishop 2: "You know, I've noticed that the girls who are in shape are the ones who get married." (Those of you who know her will be pleased to learn that SKip let him have it when he said the same thing to her.)

That is all.

April said... [reply]

Two that I hate: "So, why aren't you dating anyone?" Like, I have to give them a reason for not choosing some random guy to go out with? How do you even answer that?

And second, when a woman says "Oh, you're SO lucky you don't have a boyfriend," and then proceeds to fake complain about her boyfriend/husband in this condescending manner to placate you, but it's obvious she enjoys every minute of not being single.

redlaw said... [reply]

Bitches, all of them....how I hate the smug marrieds...

Cicada said... [reply]

Oooooo, Miss Hass! Yours got my blood boiling!

Spitfire said... [reply]

My old roommate's grandmother said this to me when we met:

Gma: "So, college, huh?"

Me: "Yep! I'm really enjoying my classes so far!"

Gma: "Well, that's nice. . ."

Me: (innocent smile, raised eyebrows)

Gma: "You know, getting an education isn't everything. Since you seem to have goals like that, I just want you to remember that there is a 'window'. It's called your 'window of opportunity.' And now that you are getting an education and might work one day, that window is quickly beginning to close. So just don't forget that when you attend your classes everyday. . ."

Me: "Right. . .thanks."

Keep in mind, this was said to me when I was a 17 year old freshman at USU. Now I am graduated, have had a job for almost a year and just turned 22 on Friday. I suppose I am officially a menace to society.

My second favorite:
"So, why aren't you married?"
--I don't know.
"Well, don't worry. I'm sure there is a short boy out there that will want to keep you."

-that last one was said by a stranger.

Absent-minded Secretary said... [reply]

A picture and a scrapbook... really? I'm not married because because I don't look at a picture before I sleep and because I don't have a scrapbook with swatches? If only I had known. So many years wasted. ;)

Chris said... [reply]

Yeah I'm glad I'm a boy.

And I can run for the hills when people talk about marriage :)

Gots to be a lone free ranger.

The Divine Miss A said... [reply]

This was said by a 14-yr-old in Lindon, so I guess that should be taken into consideration.

Boy: So, Miss A. Are you married?

Me: Nope. No ring, not married.

Boy: Oh, I'm sorry.

My Thoughts: Oh, yes, you should be sorry. Being single is just too horrible a curse to even be mentioned. Harrumph!

Anonymous said... [reply]

So do men really not get any crap for being single? It's almost as though the men are regarded as "waiting for the right one to come along" whereas women are either fat, ugly, or weird if they're not married before they're 25.

Have any men had a bishop tell them they're too ugly or fat, and that they need to make a wedding scrapbook in order to find a decent man to settle for them?

Mary said... [reply]

Said to me at my little sister's bridal shower:

"Gosh when Mary gets married, we won't throw her a shower, we're gonna throw an all-night rager!"


Nemesis said... [reply]

Anonymous, I think the guys just get told that they're going to hell if they don't start asking girls out.

Works for me.

CBH said... [reply]

Aaaaah, 'tis good to be a Lone Wolf.
I don’t get any crap for being single, mainly because I'm still 18, and people generally agree I have other things to worry about.

However, in high school I had a friend (same age as me) that would get on my case because I was holding true to the "Lone Wolf" attitude and not committing myself to any one person. She used to say:
“How can you be so selfish? You’re such a great guy, and you won’t go out with anyone!”
Me: “Do too; I just don’t want a girlfriend.”
Her: “Well, why not?”
Me: “Obviously because I’m selfish, and have neither the time, money nor the desire for one.”
Her: “Well, since you won’t get a girlfriend, there’s a girl out there with some stupid boyfriend that would rather have you.”
Me: “Remind me when it became a requirement for girls to have boyfriends. She could choose not to have a boyfriend.”
Her: “That’s boring.”
Me: “I am boring.”

She never really had anything that could counter that. But she is now living with some guy and is pregnant, and I seriously doubt happy about it.

Kelly said... [reply]

Fabulous post! I read Miss Hass's first and then dashed right over here. I'll have to think about this and come up with some of my own.

banana said... [reply]

How about "Well think how lucky you are - you can have a stripling warrior in the next life" !!!!!!!!

What I don't understand is don't they know that all those 'stripling warriors' survived!!!!! They didn't die so what makes them think they didn't get married?!!!

And a most enjoyable afternoon I had the other week when 2 veteran (10 years) married friends of mine discussed how as they barely saw their husbands due to Church and work they might as well be single - in fact it would be much better! And if their husbands died why would they want to remarry? "You're much better off single"

Nemesis said... [reply]

Aw man, there's really nothing I can add to such priceless gems, but they DO deserve some validation, by gum.

John, I'm glad you like them!

Kristen, yes. It's like you've told them that you're flunking out of school or you dropped your ice cream or something.

Thanks, Abby! Another one along those lines is "So when are you getting married?" I have some friends who just make up a date, and when the person says "Oh, really?" my friend says, "No, not really. How the heck am I supposed to know?"

Oooooh, Chosha. Feeling the burn here. And I especially love that you've brought up that sweet breed of SM who seems to have selective memory loss and have forgotten all the times you had to bring them ice cream because they were slumped over, moaning about how no one was ever going to love them, ever.

Cicada, is that the same bishop who used ward funds to pay for KK to have her tatoo removed because he was sure that would help her get married? Also, Fanny's Dream. Bwah hah hahahahahah!

Ugh, I remember that story, Jamz. Stupid stupid stupid. Too bad you weren't holding a scalpel at the time.

Abby, I just about fell off my chair at that one. At least the poor guy realized how badly that came out. :-)

Hass, I just. yeah. I can't. No. No words for that one, unless I want to risk brain rupture. And I'm so glad that SKIP, of all people, was the one to rip him a new one. I just love her.

April, those are both good. I've never had that second one, but oooooh that would get to me.

Redlaw, I feel you. That is why we must all pledge to never become one!

Hello my sister! I've never heard either of those stories before, but they're both great. Crazy old people . . .

Hi Chris, welcome back!

DMA, you make me laugh. As do 14-yr-old boys, sometimes, when they're not being stranger than strange.

Mary, I harrummph on your behalf. Harrumph.

Hello my sweet brother. Don't you let anyone make you feel like you ought to be dating. You're a youngun yet. Now, once you get off your mission . . . actually don't start dating then yet either, because I just realized that I could end up with all of my younger siblings married before me. Hold out, my brother. Hold out.

Hi Kelly, thanks for the compliment! I can't wait to see what you come up with!

Yeah, seriously, banana. Stripling warriors blech. And sad about your friends, even if they don't know what they're really saying.

hannahcraner said... [reply]

You know...I actually knew a woman who died and was eaten by her cats. Seriously.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Hannah, I can't even believe you just said that. Ew.

Chris said... [reply]

How many cats did that take? Did they just nibble or make a meal?

Inquiring minds want to know!

Nemesis: I can't believe you said that you are ok with us single males being told we are going to H-E- Double hockey sticks.

I mean really. Some of us have to get our Xbox time in, others have to get our napin time in, others have to work on pinball machines.

I mean really.

We'll get around to it.


Seriously. You spoke some sagely words of wisdom that I am still grappling with in my personal life.

"Simply putting time and energy into something doesn't make it worthwhile."

We are all in the mad rush to find happiness, that we sometimes forget what happiness is.

I think 90% of the time we, and our leaders/friends/random wedding guest get so caught up in the way we are told we will be happy, that no one really thinks of what will make you happy. Or if you are happy.

It's a pretty big subject so I may have to blog about this so that I can start another blog war. I dunno :)

goldilocks said... [reply]

When I was called as the secretary of the Relief Society in my singles ward last summer, I went to visit with the secretary of my Stake RS presidency. You know, so she could "train" me and give me the courage needed to get all those wonderful reports done. So, as I'm sitting with her in her lovely living room, she said,

"Well, to be honest, I'm quite surprised you're beautiful. You won't last long in the singles ward." Now, this was quite sweet as I'm sure she meant it to be a compliment. I thought, "apparently she expected me to be quite homely looking or something" and "apparently only 'beautiful' girls get married?" boo.

So, I tell her, "well, I'm a veteran of the singles wards. I've outlived many of the younger ones."

Of course she had to ask how old I was.

"I'm 27"

With surprised shock she said, "well, you're so well-preserved."

hummm...never been compared to say fruit or mummies before, but those were the visions going through my head when she said that.

Nemesis said... [reply]

WOW. That's best story ever.

And also, here's another story about Goldilocks. We were both at a party a couple of weeks ago and I was talking to a very sweet guy who happened to have some social/other difficulties. Because I knew this, what followed didn't actually bother me. And don't anyone say anything mean about him!

Boy: So how old are you?

Me: I'm 26.

Boy: Huh. So you're younger than [Goldilocks]?

Me: Yeah, just by a little bit.

Boy: That's funny, because she looks a LOT younger than you.

goldilocks said... [reply]

okay, this is such a fun topic that I must continue with more...

Before coming over here to England I had a little Bishop get-to-know you time.
Bishop: "Do you WANT to get married?"
Me: "um...excuse me while I go cry" (actually didn't say that) but don't Bishops learn in training to NOT say those things to single feeling girls?

My brother-in-law also told me that it was basically my fault that I'm not married (or dating) whichever.
bro-in-law: "You need to give signs. You don't flirt or give any signs."
me: tears bubbling up, hysterically crying after a few minutes thinking "it's true, it's true! it's all my fault! i'll never date. i'll never get married! I'm a failure!"

Finally, a married friend who got married at the age of 20 and has been married for the past 8 years said:

"I'm glad I got married when I did. I'm so lucky I have 'Jason'. There just aren't any good guys left."

hmmm...okay, so I guess I must've been a bad girl or something because you get to have the blessings of marriage and I have spinsterhood to look forward to? Something ain't right there.

chosha said... [reply]

"Have any men had a bishop tell them they're too ugly or fat, and that they need to make a wedding scrapbook in order to find a decent man to settle for them?"

Okay that was very funny. I had this immediate picture in my head of my bishop giving one of the guys in our ward advice on how to find a decent man to marry. =) Course they'd have to go to Canada to do it, but anyway...

maremoo said... [reply]

A favorite among many experiences:
Sam's Club Encounter...When good intentions go BAD! ;)

Neighbor lady from the home ward: "Mawice, How are you? What cha been up to?" (Good Start Right???)

Me: "I'm doing great actually! My sisters and I just got back on Tuesday from China! We spent the last month as sistas bombing around! Fun huh?!"

Neighbor lady from the home ward:
"China really!? That sounds exotic!...So are you dating anyone these days?" (Didn't know before this conversation that China, and dating in America were inseparably connected. Or maybe she was just sticking to the topic she was most comfortable with: "The ancient torture techniques by discussion of DATING!")

Me: "Actually, well, no, not anyone in particular...I mean, I go out on dates...I'm just not dating anyone specifically right now.... and I've been gone n' stuff." (Like I need excuse for my poor efforts in the dating scene. My worth is not determined by the current man arm candy I wear. Thanks.)

Home Ward Neighbor Lady: "Oh, well that's too bad! (Next Breath...) Wait so hows your Best Friend Katie doing huh? I hear she just got engaged! When will she be getting married? Arent' you so excited!

***Did you catch the subtle subject changes within this conversation in favor of the "Juice" she's really interested in? Just checking!****

Me: Yeah! Yeah, she did. Its great yeah. This August.

Home Ward Neighbor Lady:"Oh! Thats just wonderful! Matt is such a great guy." (Neighbor lady who probably only knows one thing about Matt...His name! Oh, and that he has a "Nice smile!" I hope my Eternities are based on
something a lil' more solid...)

Home Ward Neighbor Lady: "Well, tell your mother I said hello! (Even though she will likely see her tomorrow at church at could do the bidding herself.)

Thanks!!!!! ;)

Kim Raynor said... [reply]

One of my kindergarteners: "Are you married?"
Me: "Nope."
Kid: "Do you even have a baby?"
Me: "Nope."
Kid: "You better do it soon. You might get old."

Love it.

And I love when my mother introduces me to her friends as her "unmarried daughter." This is usually followed by, "She works." Let the scandalized looks begin.

Caitlin said... [reply]

The following conversation took place one evening at the dinner table between my youngest brother (age 10) and my mom:

Austin: Hey Mom, do you think Caitlin will get married soon?

Mom: I don't think so, she's too little to get married.

Austin: Oh, well, do you know what the problem with marriage is?

Mom: Umm...no...what?

Austin: Finding someone to be with you. That is a problem for Caitin because she needs to find someone to deal with her. It's a problem.

Mom (laughing): Yes. That would be a problem.

Austin: Ya, cause you can't get married if you can't find someone to be with you.

Mom (still laughing): True.

Taren said... [reply]

"You should really consider going on a mission. Then when you get home you'll have sense enough to get married." -my grandma


pinky said... [reply]

"What happened with that boyfriend you were dating for forever?? Why aren't you guys married" - every single person that I have met in the last 4 years!!!


finally engaged! (to someone who is not said boyfriend that i was with for 5 years.)

thecapitall said... [reply]


My 6 year-old sister: "Sav, when are you going to get married?"
Me: "Probably not for a while, sweetie."
Sister: "But how old are you?"
Me: "21."
Sister: (thoughtful pause) "But that's OLD!!!"

It's coming at me from all sides!!!

awillowfairey said... [reply]

I am so happy to hear from a person who I can relate to!!! YAY! I am single and older, I bet I am even older than you!
My Dad asks me this every year on my birthday: So meet any nice guys yet? How about the Singles branch? So when are You gonna give me more grandchildren? (Never you mind, that you have 5 other daughters!!!) Sorry, I had to vent for a sec.....

Nemesis said... [reply]

awillowfairey, I think a fun thing to do would be to tell your dad you are pregnant as the result of a one-night stand with a skeez. Who is also a drug dealer. Then you could say, "Hey, you TOLD me you wanted grandchildren . . . "

Might get him rethinking things.

Anne said... [reply]

At the end of Stake Conference a lady asked four of my roommates that were sitting together if they were married. There was a collective 'no'.

Her response: "Well don't worry...there are all of Helaman's Warriors waiting for you in heaven."

Nemesis said... [reply]

Sigh . . . Anne, why do you suppose it is that everyone thinks Helaman's warriors are still single? I mean, they all came home alive AND they probably had interesting scars. So yeah. I'm guessing they got snatched up right quick, considering how many other young men DID die.

Anyway, that's my rant against the lady in your stake.

Karen said... [reply]

I know this was written three years ago, but I've never had an experience, until now with a smug married. While on Christmas vacation my boyfriend and I went to my parents house in New Jersey for Christmas until New Years. (Just for a little background information, my boyfriend was baptized last August and grew up Jewish, so he comes with me for Christmas cause, well, he wouldn't have one otherwise.)

While there I went to Relief Society and the first counselor came up to me and said, "Would you like to say the closing prayer since we only see you on rare occasions?" To which I responded "Of course!" She then said, "What's your last name?" Now, at this point I was confused, as my dad is the Bishop of the ward so it's not like my last name is a secret so I responded with a why-are-you-asking-me-this tone "Nielsen." To which she said, "Oh, I thought since this was your second Christmas here with him you'd be married already."


Nemesis said... [reply]

Karen, welcome! And yep, that's a gobsmacker.

Cate said... [reply]

Honestly, they have gotten better; you wouldn't believe what I hear...hence why now I avoid receptions, bridal or baby showers unless it is a super close friend.

I think one of my favorites is it's too bad you don't want to get married, since you're so focused on your career or well, how about you stop being ambitious because that's intimidating.

Thank you for being sensitive to the singletons :)

Cathie said... [reply]

One of my coworkers used to be a bishop in a singles ward, and the story I heard (from a lady whose hairdresser was in the ward) was that he got up and said all the single girls needed to lose weight to find a husband. Really? Because I know people a LOT bigger than I who got married years earlier.

Also, I got a lot of coworkers trying to set me up. Including one lady I met in the elevator whose sister's ex-husband's cousin was about my age and single....

Really, though, I am really glad not to be single. I can lounge about the house in my pajamas on a Friday night and not worry about my eternal progression!

Anonymous said... [reply]

one of my married friends told me "don't be so picky" ...I wanted to tell her I doubt you would have married your child sized hubs if he wasn't working at Google.

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