When I am a Smug Married I will wear purple. And a muzzle.

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Remember how WR and I went to that wedding last weekend and ate roasted meats until we were both sick? During the reception, I learned that people don't reserve the cringe-inducing questions/advice for just the Singletons--they're for the dating people, too. Turns out that some folks will walk up to two people who look like they might possibly be together, or are maybe just standing near each other, and say, “So, are you two married? Are you at least thinking about it, though?” (Thanks. Like the guys need one more reason to run away screaming into the bracken.)

So that got me thinking back to all the things people have said to me and to my friends. Because, you know, if you're single, that's a problem. If you're single and LDS, it's an even bigger problem. I'm pretty sure that being 22 and single in the LDS culture is the same as being 35 and single in the Regular People world--like, you start to wonder if maybe you should be getting your eggs frozen.

So I've decided to make a list, just in case I ever get to be a Smug Married, at which time the euphoria of not having to worry about dying alone and being eaten by cats might just take over. And much like those women whose bodies produce endorphins which make them forget just what a crappy thing childbirth was, I might just forget those years and years of singleness, and how every thoughtless comment from someone was like a drop of acid in the paper cut, and I might actually start saying some of those bone-headed things.
So. Here is the list:

Things I Must Never, Ever, Ever Say to Single People. Ever.
Note: I am not making any of these up. These have all been said--if not to me, then to my friends. I hope it's okay that I'm using these! Also, please do contribute to the list, because I'm sure you've got some of your own!!!

“So . . . are you dating anyone?” (This question is only fun if we are, and we usually aren't. We know you mean well, so stick with “So what’s new?” and you’ll be fine. )

“Don’t worry, it’ll be your turn soon.”

“Wow, I am SOOoooo glad I’m not single anymore.” (You can think it--just don't say it.)

“You know, marriage is just a better way to live.” (You will deserve whatever you get if you say this, because even if it's true there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. You might as well say, "You know, being pretty is just a better way to live.")

“Hey, once you get engaged/married we’ll be able to hang out!” (Sure, if by "hanging out" you mean that I get to hit you in the face with a folding chair.)

“Now, in that dash up the corporate ladder, be sure to leave some room for marriage and family!” (said to AmyJane, the elementary-school teacher)

“So why do you think it is that there are so many single girls out there?” (Only I don’t mind this one so much, because if someone asks me for my opinion I am just fine with letting them have it.)

“So why didn’t you go on a mission then, if you weren’t married?” (Gosh, I guess I didn't go because it was none of your business!")"Does it ever bother you that you're still single?" (C'mere. I'll show you bothered.)

"So when you do get married, you'll probably need to start having babies right away, what with the increased risk of birth defects and all."

Well, guess what's coming right up for you? Menopause! (thank you, Daltongirl's grandmother)

Wait, so your sister is younger than you and she's married? That's kind of funny, don't you think? I mean, what's that about?

Now, don't worry that you're still single. Just remember the scripture where 7 women cleave to the one man. That should give you some comfort. (thanks to Streets' grandfather and the huge family gathering at which he said this)

You're probably going to be the next Sheri Dew. I just love that Sheri Dew. (For the non-LDS crowd, Sheri Dew is a popular leader/speaker/author person in the Church. She is also single, which made a whole bunch of Mormons blink and become confused when she was put in positions of, like, authority and stuff where she told married people what to do. Only she kicks trash, even if some dear single girls have turned her into a patron saint of sorts, which is kind of taking things a bit too far, I think.)

You'll make such a wonderful stepmother when you finally meet some nice divorced man/widower. (thanks, Danalee's mom)

Huh. It used to be that only the fat and weird girls went on missions. (And thank you, Foxyj's mom)

You know, perhaps if you had children of your own you would understand my child better . . . (to Amyjane by a mother whose child is destined for prison and possibly hell)

Hey, so my son just got divorced and asked how you were doing . . .

So, like, you've gotten over me, right? (said by Smug Married Ex of mine, and no, I don't sometimes dream about really really bad things happening to him and about me laughing and pointing.)


And that's all I have so far. Can't wait to see what y'all add!