3.03.2006

I am SO gonna tell . . .

So did you guys know about the Hollywood A-list's dirty little secret? They totally come over here to England and do commercials for stuff like liquor and tampons, on the understanding that no one in America will ever see it because they wouldn't want us to know what sellouts they are.

Only I know, and I'm telling. Here is what I've seen so far. And I'm not talking about the odd magazine ad for really really expensive watches and stuff that you see in GQ or Vogue, or the Halle Berry/Julianne Moore/Kate Bosworth makeup ad.

I'm talking Gwyneth "Why Yes, I Win Oscars" Paltrow strolling around in a field on the telly, murmuring about the pleasures of Estee Lauder's perfume.

And Ben "Why Yes, I Used to Win Oscars Before I Became Such a Smarmy Ratbag" Affleck in commercials for men's deodorant. His face is also featured next to the deodorant shelf in the seedy high street drugstore I frequent.

And Beyonce "I am Now Officially a Commodity Rather Than an Actual Person" Knowles on bus stop posters marketing some fragrance.

And Nicole "Hah Hah, Sucks To Be You, Katie Holmes" Kidman in this really long artsy-fartsy commercial for Chanel No 5.

The most surreal moment, though, for me, was when I was in the grocery store and rounded a corner only to find myself staring at a life-sized cardboard cutout of George "I Hang out on Lake Como with Brad" Clooney, schilling whiskey. And I was horrified, even though I kind of wanted to steal the display, just a little bit.

I'm sure there are others, but I've forgotten what they are. I'll keep you posted.

And speaking of people who should know better but still persist in making stupid choices (ie., choices of which I do not approve), let's talk about the denim skirts. They're still wearing them over here, even though it's the dead of winter! Can y'all tell me if people in the States are doing this? They're these denim skirts, and I've never even seen them in the clothing stores, so all I can come up with is that these girls are actually creating the things themselves by cutting off the legs and crotches of their jeans. And then they put on a black pair of leggings and think they're good to go, only they are so, so not.

Sweet young women, if you are reading this, or if someone emails this to you, or calls you up and reads it to you, or prints it off and walks across a prairie just to take it to your house and hand it to you, please hearken well.

A clothing choice like that does not say "I am a self-actualized individual who posesses both style and wisdom."

Instead, it says, "Hi guys, I'm blind and my butt can no longer sense the cold. Feel free to get me drunk."

Have a great weekend, everybody!

15 comments:

Abby said... [reply]

I've seen the Nicole Kidman commercial here in the States. I guess they don't care if it hits American airways anymore. I know I've seen the Gwyneth add in magazines. I'm so disappointed in George Clooney though. I was about to declare my love for him.

I saw saw some teens in California wearing short denim skirts with leggings and Ugg Boots. It was 70 degrees. You do not need Ugg Boots at 70 degrees.

Anonymous said... [reply]

So . . . what's your point?

And thanks for reminding me about Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise. For a minute I thought he was still going with/breaking up with Penelope Cruz. I am SO behind the times. Must pick up a copy of People today!

daltongirl said... [reply]

Um. That last was me. I didn't realize I was being anonymous.

kristen said... [reply]

I too have seen the Chanel commercial.

That's ok--Over here, Jessica Simpson does Pizza Hut and Tom Selleck narrates an RV ad. I'm sure there's more. Maybe they need more work to pay for the expensive lifestyle (although Tom Selleck is still cool!)

Denim skirts have always been around. I see teeny-bopper girls at the jr. high sporting things like that.........in the middle of winter. Idiots, all of them!

Cicada said... [reply]

I don't know what your beaf is with the celebs and the skirts. Give me a few more hours of sleep and maybe I'll be able to figure it out.

Rachel said... [reply]

I've seen a few of those commercials over here myself. And if you think the American/British commercials are bad, I've heard they do REALLY crazy commercials in Japan.

Ciarán said... [reply]

The miracle of bitTorrent means that I'm now able to watch a lot more UK telly than BBCAmerica and PBS put on & I've always been surprised at how different American celebs behave on the very different chat shows over there.

Some are just baffled/slightly offended by their treatment--like Ashlee Simpson was a couple weeks ago on Popworld when the first question she was asked was, "So are Jessica and Nick going to film the divorce, too?"

Just a hint to American celebrities in Britain: British chat shows (unlike their American counterparts) are NOT love-fests where you can flog your latest product (movie/CD/TV show) without being asked questions that you consider "rude."

Other celebrities are still seemingly under the impression that "what is said in Britain stays in Britain" and throw caution to the wind when the chat show starts. My warning to them: These things DO get watched back home, you know.

redlaw said... [reply]

I have seen all the ads over here except the Clooney one but I know that celebs do ads in other countries that we never see in America - When I was in England in '98, Jennifer Anniston was all over the Loreal ads over there but not in the States.

The leggings suck. I hate the short denim skirts but I hate the leggings even more.

redlaw said... [reply]

Cicada,
classic - you are so funny!

The McCulloch Family said... [reply]

Nem,I think every chick in the media has her own perfume now. Beyonce has like two, Sarah Jessica Parker has one

Britney Spears has a couple also. I dont know who's lining up to buy something that may attract her kind of men-- nasty white trash freeloaders that abandon illegitimate children soon after their birth...

sakhmet said... [reply]

Um...I secretly love Nicole's Chanel ads. Also, Nem, I think you should take back what you said about Katie b/c she has been captured and impregnated by a psychotic brainwasher.

Th. said... [reply]

.

Somebody stole my punchline....

CoolMom said... [reply]

Gymboree is now carrying leggings for the wee ones, but I've been instructed never to purchase them. I guess then, we don't wear those in our family, plucky!

Miss Hass said... [reply]

I just saw Kevin Bacon whoring himself for Hanes...

chosha said... [reply]

rachel: oh yes they do

Check this out: http://www.japander.com/japander/

eg. Keifer Sutherland doing an ad for Calorie Mate? Calorie mate??!!

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