Something's not linking up here

A few brave souls have written me on that LDS LinkUp thing lately--and not just the crazy Europeans and Latin Americans, though. Now I've got crazy Americans too. So chalk one up for me and my hotness and my sexy eyes which say so much about me.

One guy actually seems quite funny and possibly normal. We've emailed back and forth a few times and are having a "chat" date tonight, which is a first for me. I'm considering wearing pajamas and no makeup just because I can.

Rest assured, though, there are still plenty of freaks out there. An exploratory search found a few men whose "Who I Would Like to Meet" sections included the following gems:

I would like to meet people who for reals have the same interests as me. Born in raised in utah is a plus.

Grammatical errors aside, WHAT??? What does that even MEAN? I am confused and disturbed by this on so many levels. Does he mean that he's looking for someone who likes Utah and wants to keep living there? Why doesn't he just say that? Because lots of people who weren't born there feel that way, and lots of people who were born and raised there would happily gnaw their own arm off to get out.

Does he think there is something native to the soil and water of UT that will produce the kind of woman he wants? And what if he meets someone who is completely compatible with him but wasn't raised in Utah--is she out? "I'm sorry, you're great, but your parents made some really wrong choices." Why doesn't he pick some other arbitrary thing that is out of the woman's control--like only going for left-handed people?

It's crap like this that gives Utahns a bad name. This guy needs to shut up. And speaking of shutting up, we have our next entry:

i prefer fun-loving, easy going girls with something exotic to offer. What does that mean? You tell me! RRRAAAARRRRRR!!!!

Run, ladies. Run away quickly. Something exotic to offer? I think what he's actually looking for is something he sees quite regularly alone in his room on the Internet late at night. And yet I'm not as alarmed by his requirements as I am by this next gentleman's.

im looking for an easy going, loving, caring, balls out relationship.

Ahem. Excuse me, but, um, whose, exactly? Did he actually mean to say that? Because I'm pretty sure most of the good LDS girls on this site would sort of frown on that. And then call the cops.

Great. Now I'm freaked out about tonight. Things will be going along fine, and then suddenly he'll announce that he's naked at his computer. Which will be really awkward for everyone, since he'll be writing from work on his lunch break.

Wish me luck with that!


Brad said... [reply]

I'm taking a stand-

exotic: maybe he's looking for someone who has dark skin and dark hair. Tahitian or Fijan you know. There's nothing wrong with that.

Balls out: He's probably one of those stupid Utah guys that wears white socks with his Tevas who has been saying that phrase since he was six. He just hasn't been taught the appropriate usage.

Born and raised in Utah: Probably wants an outdoorsy girl who realizes that Utah is a clean, safe and beautiful place to raise a family. Either that or a girl who is wholesome yet submissive.

It's not their fault there are perves out there who have misinterprated them.

Nemesis said... [reply]

You make me laugh, Brad. Also you misspelled "perv." I know how to spell it because I am one, apparently. :-)

The McCulloch Family said... [reply]

I have never heard that last phrase until this post and I hope I never will. I think you should get him kicked off LDS Linkup for sexual harrasment or something.

Suzie1 said... [reply]

Ewwww! I hate to say it, but 99% of the men on dating sites are UNDATEABLE! There might be the odd diamond in the rough here and there, but mostly it's just yucky yuckersons sending out mass flirts to anybody within their ginormous age range (fetus to corpse). Bleh.

Oh, and I think your assessment of those guys was accurate. Initiate me into the pervy club.

Mary said... [reply]

My first huge and hearty laugh for the day. Nem, this is hilarious stuff.

Good luck tonight. Here's some really, really good advice which will help you a ton:

1. Just be yourself.
2. One day at a time.
3. Remember the Alamo.

Cicada said... [reply]

Should I check Mary's time stamp and see if she read yours before or after she read mine? Oh crap. I concede---your post is funnier than mine today. Now I need to go back to looking over your resumes and inserting lines like:

"Worked in exotic environment---Raaar!"

"Born in Germany, raised internationally, manage to give Utah height to my hair, have insanely white teeth."

"Am definitely a balls-out sortof person. Sex change: September 2004. Am definitely preferring my life as a woman."

Desmama said... [reply]

Getstraightoutoftown! I can't believe these guys write these things! I feel like apologizing for being married to someone normal, like I eliminated a good candidate when there are so many of . . . these . . . out there. *Shudders*

amyjane said... [reply]

Sean is currently shrieking at his BSA desk about how he told us not to join those websites in the first place. I told him to shut it--not to worry. Also, we keep threatening to sign his mom up for hotsaints.com just to get him all riled up. :) Good luck--you may need it!

Nemesis said... [reply]

Okay, seriously, nobody believes me when I say this. I did NOT join LDS LinkUp as a way to meet guys. At all. So don't think I did. It's a way of keeping in touch with people from old wards, and it will help me keep in touch with UK friends as well, since pretty much every Mormon in the UK is on there.

But if an attractive and funny boy chooses to write and ask me questions, as a polite person I must write back.

Scully said... [reply]

See, this is why I do not have a picture on my LDS Link-up page. Not that I even wanted to have one in the first place, but a friend of mine begged and begged me to sign up so that she would "have more friends and not look like a loser." So now I have, like 5 friends and look like the loser. Which also might be why people don't randomly write to me. Good times.

CoolMom said... [reply]

Yesterday at the gym I was watching "The View" which I normally never watch because I'm not wearing headphones and they look rediculous with no sound, but I had headphones that day so I deceided to be objective. They are a scream! My favorite is the one with the red hair. She brought in these personal ads from the newspaper and read them to the audience. I thought I would fall off my ellyptical machine. One guys ad was called "Shiver Me Timbers" and he spoke in pirate talk and was looking for "someplace special to bury his treasure". They sort of got crazier from there.

I have no response to that. Her point was that they were all serious losers.

Anonymous said... [reply]

Coolmom...if you start watching The View, I'm going to have to give some serious thought to the future of our relationship.

Scully said... [reply]

Nemesis, I forgot to mention that one of our mutual friends from London once dated a guy who admitted that he was reluctant to ask her out because "she wasn't from Utah." Apparently, he and his entire family, outside the mission thing, had NEVER, EVER lived outside Utah County and possibly even the Lehi city limits. The fact that she wanted to travel and see the world and possibly live various places during her life was a major concern to him. I am not making this up.

Absent-minded Secretary said... [reply]

So many things that I want to say... especially to "born and raised in Utah" but I probably should keep my mouth shut. And I can learn the art of mocking those guys in my head.

JB said... [reply]

I hope it went well! ;)

Queen Zippergut said... [reply]

Hilarious blog! I can so relate to the online dating thing. There are some really scary people out there. You have to be very careful. And the "got to be from Utah thing??" Yikes.

But...there are some good ones out there, too. Believe me. I married one. And now I live in England. It's a tad embarrassing to say I met my husband online, but we would never have met otherwise.

Good luck!!

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