1.30.2007

Why we don't drop infants on their heads

One reason why I need to find a new ward:

The couple who sat in front of me are apparently so much in love that they want to have their torsos fused together, much in the manner of the twins on Grey's Anatomy a few weeks ago. They were hunched over and spooning with their arms around each other like a pair of demented human commas. She was cradled into his chest and their cheeks were pressed together. They sat like that for the entire 45-minute lesson. What was even better was that the guy made three very long and self-important comments during this time. He never once sat up straight, removed his face from his girlfriend's, or stopped rubbing her arm with enough force to leave a rash. I hope they give themselves scoliosis doing that. At one point he did detach his cheek from his girlfriends, but just long enough to survey the room while wearing a really smug smile. It was all I could do to keep from leaning forward and saying, "Hey, buddy? Not only do you look like some kind of tree sloth, but your girlfriend is clad head-to-toe in denim. I'd wipe that crap-eating grin off my face if I were you."

And THEN after sacrament meeting I saw them again. This time he was sitting on the pew and she was RECLINING on it with her head pressed up against his torso. As if she were some kind of 6-year-old who can't sit the heck UP in church. If it turns out that she's actually really sick and dying of leukemia or something I'm going to feel bad, but I don't think she was, on account of she was wearing that same satisfied grin that he had on earlier. It made me want roll her off the bench with my foot, or at least take her aside and let her know that she has nothing to be smiling about because the angels up in heaven are probably crying and/or dry-heaving right now and it's all her fault.

18 comments:

Kelly said... [reply]

Ewwww! These are the times when I'm glad that most of the people in my ward engage in stealth dating.

lilcis said... [reply]

sigh.

That is so, so ugly.

Lindsay said... [reply]

My word, that is disgusting.

abby said... [reply]

Let's file this under "things that make me go ewwww!" Like Kelly, I too am glad for stealth dating. Let me see you are in a college ward.

Miss Hass said... [reply]

nice.

Suzie1 said... [reply]

Oh. My. Gosh. I would never go back to that ward. EVER! The bishop should pull them aside and give them a lesson on what is appropriate church behavior and what is not. PDA should be OUTLAWED!

Kristeee said... [reply]

Such a repulsive scene always makes me wonder about how things are between them when they aren't in church with the bishop staring them down. Then I smile as I remember a favorite quote from Bishop McCuistion: "back rubs in the front room lead to front rubs in the back room." Are they getting married any time soon?

amyjane said... [reply]

Sickos! I'm still giggling about the dry-heaving angels!

metamorphose said... [reply]

Vomitous indeed. People like that need some serious lessons in church reverence etiquette.

Scully said... [reply]

I bet they are also the kind of people who refer to general authorities by their last names only and publicly say how 'cute' President Hinckley is. And call him 'Gordon B.' instead of by his proper title. Or maybe I'm projecting personal experiences in my ward onto your slovenly ward members. And all denim? Talk about crimes against fashion.

Sarita said... [reply]

I took a moment to really visualize what these sloth/siamese twin/demented commas looked like in their contorted position, because it was hard to fathom and I wanted to get the whole effect.

I'm now sorry that I did and am dry heaving with the angels. At least im in good company. Which is more than can be said about that couple.

And the smugness! What is up with that? Um, buddy, if I REALLY wanted to, I could find some denim clad person to spoon with in such a repulsive fashion as well.

blackjazz said... [reply]

I was tempted to write an anonymous post pretending to be one of the offending couple, but I thought you might pin the blame on your father!

Nice quote from Bishop McCuistion - I've noted that for future use :-)

I hope this sort of thing doesn't succeed in driving you out of the ward. Maybe there's something you could do to fix it. I'd be inclined to mention it privately to the bishop (or one of his counsellors if it's a really big ward). I think it's a job for a "Judge in Israel" to tackle.

Azúcar said... [reply]

Someone needs to point out that the head to toe denim is an external sign of unresolved sins (probably mortal sins.)

kristen said... [reply]

Dude--pet peeve #1 of singles' wards. Get a room! Although they shouldn't get a room, because if they're doing that much in sacrament meeting who knows what they're doing in private.

I'm with Blackjazz. The bish needs to address it, as should ALL bishops!! Unfortunately there are many who are not learning church etiquette in their homes.

Claire said... [reply]

I ardently oppose any PDA in church, I don't care if they're married or not. I think that should be the 11th commandment or something or like the 15th article of faith (behind putting away the chairs after church).

Squirrel Boy said... [reply]

Wow. That is so gross. Someone should've taken those two outside and hosed them down.

Jimmy said... [reply]

A little PDA is ok now and then, but enough is enough, right? I've always wanted to tell people like that "ok, ok, we get it, you love each other. Get a room".

CoolMom said... [reply]

I found Blackjazz comment to be quite funny. So much blame, so little time.

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