Forget the high road

Normally I wouldn't do this, but since I've burned scorch marks into my chair from The Rage I obviously can't leave this one alone. Others must know.

So y'all know Cicada, member of my Circle of Truth? She recently got engaged to The Second Sweetest Man in the World. (It would have been TSMITW, but Daltongirl already has him. Anyway.) She gave me permission to tell this story, since it happened this morning and we're all livid over it.

Last year she had a brief relationship with a guy who didn't really turn out to be her type. When I met him I was kind of surprised that they were dating. Cicada is funny, attractive, young, outgoing, and wears stylish, age-appropriate clothing. He . . . was not like her. But I figured there must be something there that I couldn't see. While they were getting to know each other, he said that almost every girl he dated ended up marrying the guy who came after him--he referred to himself as a "springboard to marriage." This, now, to me, make soooo much more sense. Anyway, the relationship soon fizzled out, but she wasn't that bothered about it. And then soon after that she met Murray, who is wonderful and whom she is very much into.

ANYWAY. She and the first guy, whom she named The Flossing Republican, were still on friendly terms so she emailed recently to ask a design/printing question. She mentioned that she's engaged, and said TFR must have been right about being the "springboard to marriage." And she asked about a girl she'd seen him with the last time they'd run into each other. (Also, I read her email and it was not smug or anything. This is important.)

He emailed her back, and she was so stunned and irritated at his reply that she sent the email on to The Circle (me, Daltongirl, and Sakhmet). I'll just include the most important parts, with my additions. And no, I feel no qualms about publishing TFR's email. He was obviously very proud of it.

Congratulations on your engagement! That's great! (Aaaand this is where he should have stopped. He didn't, though.) Normally I would hesitate in endorsing such brief courtships, however, in your case you should do it asap! Your mom is probably relieved. (Blink. Blink blink. "In your case?" Excuse me? And was she asking for your endorsement? Are you the King of Town or something?)

Also, I can't take credit for being a "springboard relationship to marriage" since you and I never dated. (Wait . . . excuse me??) I guess for belated clarification's sake: When I mentioned your tendencies to exaggerate or actually make up scenarios in your blog, I was NOT referring to your comments about me "flossing," etc. I WAS referring to you stating that we were dating! You didn't get that! (Wow . . . this is belated clarification. Wouldn't you want to clarify that right off the bat? I mean, your way was absolutely clear and not at all ridiculous, but still. Some of us slower folk might need more.). . . Despite kissing twice ("curiosity derivatives" that I made sure never happened again), (oh you did not) my intentions were based on friendship.

Ergo, despite having no romantic interest, I definitely was interested in a good, friendly rapport (even after listening to your issue-based "rants"). Those "rants," etc. were good times. . . . ("So even though I wasn't attracted to you and even though you made me listen to your stupid opinions and also you were delusional, I still wanted to be friends. Because I'm big like that.") Either way, I think it's great that your delving into marriage. I think the institution will make you happier in general. And, that's a good thing. (You know what else is a good thing? The end of my boot making contact with your groin and shoving those things so far up there that it's even more difficult to confirm their existence.)

He then went on to say that he's currently dating a lawyer and made sure to mention that she is a skinny, skinny model. He also managed to be condescending about her, too. So way to insult two girls in one paragraph.

Now . . . see . . . I couldn't trust myself to speak for about a minute after reading this. Plus I was busy trying not to choke to death at my desk. What kind of severe, severe personal issues must a guy have to turn what should be an occasion for a simple congratulation into a long-winded, heavy-handed, condescending, egotistical, nasty piece of revisionist record-straight-setting? "Um, by the way, don't be thinking you've moved on to better things because we never dated in the first place and so neener, this must be so embarrassing for you!" What the heck? I don't think Cicada thinks she's moved on to better things--she's pretty sure.

Anyway. This probably isn't the best blog post ever, but it's what I'm worked up about at the moment. So here you have it. Would love to get your comments.


Science Teacher Mommy said... [reply]

Nothing like trading up. Is the flossing Republican an attorney by chance?

Cicada said... [reply]

There's just so much I could say... Basically it was like singledom wanted to give me one last sucker punch before I am officially married. Also, makes me reel at how I was able to land such a perfect guy, even Murray, when there's guys like that out there.

Miss Hass said... [reply]

There is no hope for me.

Also, I feel sick.

What a pompous a$$!

Janssen said... [reply]

Let us be clear on one thing: if you kissed, you dated.

Squirrel Boy said... [reply]

Oh, wow. When Cicada told me about the e-mail (which sounded not nearly this bad in her summary) and then told me you were going to post it here and tear it apart, I thought that might be going a bit too far. I mean, when someone's a jerk in private, it's usually not appropriate to expose their jerkdom to the whole of the internet.

This, however, is a perfect example of truly jaw-dropping jerkdom. No—assdom. (Sorry for swearing on your blog.) It's rude in so many ways that it's bewildering. I can't even begin to understand how this guy can think so much of himself and so little of Cicada.

Cicada, congratulations again on your engagement to Murray. I'm happy that you've found such a good guy who really appreciates you.

Scully said... [reply]

Dude. Is he perchance short, because this passive-aggressive behavior falls right into my Short-Man Theory of male idiocy. Also, 'curiosity derivatives'? Just call it NCMO a--hat and we'll all right you off as the wannabe player you are. Ugh. Also, congrats to Cicada.

Brinestone said... [reply]

Yup, that's pretty much the rudest thing I've ever seen or heard someone say to someone I like. And completely uncalled for!

ambrosia ananas said... [reply]

This is just amazing. I don't know when I've last seen such unmerited arrogance. We thought TFR was a weenie when we met him but figured there must be more to him or Cicada wouldn't be dating him. Turns out there's even less to him than we thought. Congratulations, Cicada, on getting rid of that one and finding Murray.

DanaLee said... [reply]

Seriously if you kiss him AND he meets your friends, you are dating. What is worse dating tools like TFR or like the guys you mentioned from the web? Honestly, either way I am glad to be single.

Desmama said... [reply]

How very, very nasty.

Becky said... [reply]

Maybe he'll be eaten by the 12 cats living in his mother's basement with him.

Saxon said... [reply]

wow he sounds like he'll be a right catch for some lucky girl I'm sure.

But you just know he'll probably end up married before me *sigh*

Jenny said... [reply]

Wow. Thank you for showing me this in the privacy of my own home and not a public venue.

Iggy Enigma said... [reply]

um. wow. so many reasons to be glad i'm single. but also, the real hero in all of this is this guy murray and all guys who come close to being like him. they are on our team [just for clarification, ours is the winning team!] congrats to cicada.

cooldad said... [reply]

I think this post proves the old adage "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." or for this literary minded group, "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." "The Mourning Bride" (1697) by William Congreve.

daltongirl said... [reply]

I could go on all day about sentences 3 and 4 alone. Why should she have a short engagement? Because he has tested her libido out and found it to be insatiable? Because Murray might find out he doesn't want her if they wait too long? Because he is hoping that El Senor will invite him to be his next roommate?

And why is her mom relieved? Because her old maid daughter is FINALLY getting married? Because she had given up hope that anyone could ever possibly be attracted to Cicada?

I've got more. There's no way to give him the benefit of the doubt regarding either of those statements.

Cicada, I'm sorry I ever encouraged you in that relationship. I was just so relieved that you were finally not-dating someone! But I need to make it clear that I never actually met TFR.

And squirrel boy, you can swear on Nem's blog. It's not like SHE's going to be offended. Trust me. The words were flying earlier when the story broke. And I found them highly appropriate. Whether or not Lola will agree remains to be seen.

Nemesis said... [reply]

And squirrel boy, you can swear on Nem's blog. It's not like SHE's going to be offended. Trust me. The words were flying earlier when the story broke.

Daltongirl, was that really necessary? My mom has already expressed her concern at my unladylike use of the word "groin." I told her my first choice was "scrotum."

miranda said... [reply]

There's nothing quite so amazing...as a guy who finds himself amazing.

esperanza said... [reply]

LOL. Good commentary. I don't even know these people and it was funny/dead on. What a creep/jerk, I'm with Scully, is he short? And seriously, he must be insecure about what he lost when he didn't get her. **me thinks he doth protest too much**

abby said... [reply]

This comment made my day

"You know what else is a good thing? The end of my boot making contact with your groin and shoving those things so far up there that it's even more difficult to confirm their existence"

All I can say is Go Cicada for choosing Murray.

Anonymous said... [reply]

To quote one of my favorite Fred and Ginger movie lines, "Men like him should be shot down like dogs! Shot down like dogs!" We could call it natural selection.

Hannah said... [reply]

Holy Cow! What a jerk!!

Natalie said... [reply]

Wow. Un-freaking-believable. Glad Cicada ditched him and traded WAY up to Murray. TFR is a BIG FAT LOSER!!!

Also, in deference to my husband who is a perfect gentleman, and a short republican lawyer who flosses daily, I must ask...

Is he really tall? Because only really tall guys could be such jerks! And, he must be a chiropractor, right? 'Cause they're the worst!

Also, I am very jealous of the circle of truth. How nice to have an instant support system! You guys ROCK!

N.F. said... [reply]

I wish I knew where to buy age-appropriate clothes for myself.

blackjazz said... [reply]

This is why we read your blog, Miss Nem. You don't sugar-coat everything. Keep up the good work.

As I read through what you said about this guy I couldn't help picturing Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.

Jenny said... [reply]

Also, he says 'Ergo' but can't spell you're? What kind of a person IS that?

The Divine Miss A said... [reply]
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Divine Miss A said... [reply]

Egotistical jerk. . . what this breaks down to for me is that the guy was incredibly threatened and it hit too close to home that you were getting married. Either that or he was just in denial at how amazing Cicada is at absolutely everything.

There are just too many things wrong with this email to count. Except for maybe our blessings that he's taken off the meat market for the time being by some poor soul.

April said... [reply]

He'd probably been working on some sort of response like that for months. Or else he keeps a list of snotty comebacks next to his desk in order to humiliate anyone who dares suggest he wasn't perfect for them. Quite pathetic, really. He's at home chuckling to himself about how he got you good (I'm convinced he's actually using that phrase), and his current girlfriend (if indeed she does exist) is most likely getting ready to dump him. And you get to snuggle up to your honey with the sweet, sweet assurance of a happy future. I think you definitely win in the end, Cicada. :)

Kristeee said... [reply]

Wow. My mom (in her post-divorced, I hate men stage that lasted 8.5 years) used to say that "men are like parking spots. The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped." Only then she got married. Haha.

Cicada should totally write him back and ask why he's so defensive. And maybe request that they double so she can warn his little Barbie lawyer model girl. She might think they're dating.

Squirrel Boy said... [reply]

I only met TFR once, but he is not short. In fact, he might have been a little taller than me (I'm 6 feet). So his jerkitude is not a result of short-man syndrome.

Azúcar said... [reply]

I want you to know that this email made me so mad yesterday I couldn't even comment.

I had to go home and have quiet hour to stop the steam from coming out of my ears.

I have to say, steam coming out of ears kind of hurts. It doesn’t hurt like the kind of verbal annihilation I would serve to that burk should I ever meet him on the playground of life, but it stings nonetheless.
A Republican indeed...

Jimmy said... [reply]

Wow. If there was ever a lucky woman, it's Ms. Cicada. She has the benefit of knowing how great life will be, contrasted with the kind of terrible life that might have been. A person like the author of that email has so much self-contempt going on, that he would never be capable of anything more than relationships with women he categorizes with such delightful descriptions as "super skinny" or "model types", without ever mentioning the human characteristics.

As horrible as that must have been for her to read, she should never forget the road she didn't wind up on.

Republicans like that are why I'm Independent.

RC Cola! said... [reply]

Really there's only one word for the guy...but for the sake of the blog author's mother, I shall refrain. But it starts with an F and ends with a face.

You know who he reminds me of? The guy that left such a nasty comment on my blog, that I ended up taking my blog down. I didn't like someone like him having access, so down it went. What is wrong with people?

chosha said... [reply]

Amazing how he doesn't seem to realise what a dumbass it makes him look to have had the chance to date Cicada and refuse it. Well, he didn't, but he's saying he did, which is just as dumb. He sounds like a complete pillack and she's well rid of him.

Suzie1 said... [reply]


That is all.

Bone Junior said... [reply]

I've got some "You are a tool" business cards you could give him...Just a thought.

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