Forget the high road

Normally I wouldn't do this, but since I've burned scorch marks into my chair from The Rage I obviously can't leave this one alone. Others must know.

So y'all know Cicada, member of my Circle of Truth? She recently got engaged to The Second Sweetest Man in the World. (It would have been TSMITW, but Daltongirl already has him. Anyway.) She gave me permission to tell this story, since it happened this morning and we're all livid over it.

Last year she had a brief relationship with a guy who didn't really turn out to be her type. When I met him I was kind of surprised that they were dating. Cicada is funny, attractive, young, outgoing, and wears stylish, age-appropriate clothing. He . . . was not like her. But I figured there must be something there that I couldn't see. While they were getting to know each other, he said that almost every girl he dated ended up marrying the guy who came after him--he referred to himself as a "springboard to marriage." This, now, to me, make soooo much more sense. Anyway, the relationship soon fizzled out, but she wasn't that bothered about it. And then soon after that she met Murray, who is wonderful and whom she is very much into.

ANYWAY. She and the first guy, whom she named The Flossing Republican, were still on friendly terms so she emailed recently to ask a design/printing question. She mentioned that she's engaged, and said TFR must have been right about being the "springboard to marriage." And she asked about a girl she'd seen him with the last time they'd run into each other. (Also, I read her email and it was not smug or anything. This is important.)

He emailed her back, and she was so stunned and irritated at his reply that she sent the email on to The Circle (me, Daltongirl, and Sakhmet). I'll just include the most important parts, with my additions. And no, I feel no qualms about publishing TFR's email. He was obviously very proud of it.

Congratulations on your engagement! That's great! (Aaaand this is where he should have stopped. He didn't, though.) Normally I would hesitate in endorsing such brief courtships, however, in your case you should do it asap! Your mom is probably relieved. (Blink. Blink blink. "In your case?" Excuse me? And was she asking for your endorsement? Are you the King of Town or something?)

Also, I can't take credit for being a "springboard relationship to marriage" since you and I never dated. (Wait . . . excuse me??) I guess for belated clarification's sake: When I mentioned your tendencies to exaggerate or actually make up scenarios in your blog, I was NOT referring to your comments about me "flossing," etc. I WAS referring to you stating that we were dating! You didn't get that! (Wow . . . this is belated clarification. Wouldn't you want to clarify that right off the bat? I mean, your way was absolutely clear and not at all ridiculous, but still. Some of us slower folk might need more.). . . Despite kissing twice ("curiosity derivatives" that I made sure never happened again), (oh you did not) my intentions were based on friendship.

Ergo, despite having no romantic interest, I definitely was interested in a good, friendly rapport (even after listening to your issue-based "rants"). Those "rants," etc. were good times. . . . ("So even though I wasn't attracted to you and even though you made me listen to your stupid opinions and also you were delusional, I still wanted to be friends. Because I'm big like that.") Either way, I think it's great that your delving into marriage. I think the institution will make you happier in general. And, that's a good thing. (You know what else is a good thing? The end of my boot making contact with your groin and shoving those things so far up there that it's even more difficult to confirm their existence.)

He then went on to say that he's currently dating a lawyer and made sure to mention that she is a skinny, skinny model. He also managed to be condescending about her, too. So way to insult two girls in one paragraph.

Now . . . see . . . I couldn't trust myself to speak for about a minute after reading this. Plus I was busy trying not to choke to death at my desk. What kind of severe, severe personal issues must a guy have to turn what should be an occasion for a simple congratulation into a long-winded, heavy-handed, condescending, egotistical, nasty piece of revisionist record-straight-setting? "Um, by the way, don't be thinking you've moved on to better things because we never dated in the first place and so neener, this must be so embarrassing for you!" What the heck? I don't think Cicada thinks she's moved on to better things--she's pretty sure.

Anyway. This probably isn't the best blog post ever, but it's what I'm worked up about at the moment. So here you have it. Would love to get your comments.