3.28.2008

How to deal with the suckfest

The question which I've been mulling over lately is simply this. When it comes to whole dating/events-which-we-hope-will-lead-to-dating scene, at what point can you just give yourself permission to opt out?


I don't mean quitting, really. Or even giving up hope. It's just that it doesn't seem to matter whether or not I'm out there Making An Effort--I'm still single either way, so why can't I just say "You know, I have a job (two, actually, because I'm extra cool that way), I have great friends, and I go to Hawaii. For now, that will have to just be enough." Because the alternative, as I'm seeing it, is becoming one of Those Girls.

You know who I'm talking about. I'm talking about the girls who are increasingly bothered by their single state and who socialize at a frantic, driven pace because they worry that if they miss even one event then they might also be missing their chance to get married. These girls are not happy. They're not having fun. They run themselves ragged going to absolutely every single get-together at which they might meet people. They have tense smiles and wide eyes and they laugh too hard and absolutely everyone knows exactly what the story is there. I don't want to be one of those.

Part of the problem for me comes down to the extrovert/introvert thing. Introverts can have a good time with people, but they need Alone Time to recharge and get their strength back up to go out and socialize more. For the extroverts, the party time is recharging time--it's the alone time that drains them.

My sister Jenny? Extrovert. If she doesn't get at least 52 interactions with other humans during a given day she breaks out in hives. Me? Introvert. I invite a bunch of people over to my house but 15 minutes before they arrive want nothing more than to call up and cancel so I can sneak into the bathroom with a book.

So, the socializing stuff? If it's just being social for social's sake, well, to me that's work, not fun. Half the time the stuff I drag myself out to isn't even interesting to me. (Note to activities committees: Start planning events around a Food & Napping concept. I will so be there.) But I go because I'm Making An Effort. The big advice you hear is to do things that will widen your circle of acquaintances. Fine. Have done that. But those circles only seem to widen temporarily. And usually I don't meet many guys who seem interesting (or interested). Or I don't get to interact with them long enough to even know if there could be something there. And even when I do meet someone who seems cool, that's almost worse because I could have this great conversation full of witty banter and flirting but then I never see the guy again. He's certainly not going to ask for my number, because apparently that's pretty much the same thing as bringing up baby names and is therefore Not Done.

Some of you might read this and think, "Sure, opt out. Be your fun great self and you'll find someone when you're not looking. That's how it happened for me." But I'm thinking that can only really be true for one member of the couple. Sure, you weren't looking but I'm guessing the other person must have been. Someone had to take the initiative. It's just nice that it didn't have to be you.

Part of it, for me, is a pride thing. I shouldn't HAVE to go out and club a man over the head while he's distracted with his video games, dangit. They should be able to tell that I'm worth getting to know and then proceed accordingly, right? But then on the other hand, I can't expect that some guy is going to be psychically led to my house where I am holed up watching SLAs on a Friday night. It's the whole "If you don't run, you won't win" thing. So I'm guessing there has to be some sort of balance between becoming a member of the scary Trousseau Troop and opting out entirely for sanity's sake.

So. Here is what I'm looking at. I will not opt out. However, I am not going to waste evenings of my life participating in stupid, boring, infantile activities that stopped being fun when I was 20 years old out of "you should really support the ward" guilt and "Hey, maybe your Eternal Companion will be there" desperation. I am going to sit down and make a list of the social things I like to do (like dancing) but which I've been lazy about, and I will commit to actually going out and doing those things on a regular basis. If I meet people and make new friends while I'm out there, great. If not, that's okay, because I will be enjoying myself anyway.

And did you notice that I didn't even make any cracks about how the guys today are a bunch of lazy child-men? I'm just self-actualized like that.

(photo from inthecitymad)

34 comments:

The Divine Miss A said... [reply]

Great question. As a fellow introvert I have not yet managed to figure out how to react to the great suckfest. (If I had, I wouldn't have gone to the last single's activity with the other eight people who were suckered into coming.)

It sounds to me like you're doing the right thing by going to things that actually interest you. For one thing, if you do happen to meet a boy there then at least you know you share one or two of the same interests and if you don't then at least you had the chance of having a relatively good time.

Suzie1 said... [reply]

Ugh! I hear you--it's a hard balance to strike. I'm going to go ahead and blame El Niño (That's Spanish for "The Niño"). Is that too passé?

(PS I'm an introvert too. Give me an evening at home with my laptop and Guitar Hero any day...)

April said... [reply]

I can completely relate to wanting to cancel plans just so I can sneak off to read. As if I don't do enough of that the other 23 hours of the day.

Why can't we have a reading date? Where we just sit around drinking coffee/tea/smoothies and reading a good book? Then at the end of a chapter we can talk to person to our right for a bit (quietly of course, as not to disturb the other readers). If they're lame, just go back to reading...but in a different chair, so that at the end of the next chapter, you try your luck with another boy. It's genius, I tell you! Because if none of the guys spark your interest, at least you won't have wasted reading time!

Katie said... [reply]

The problem here is that you're trying to date in Utah Valley. It's just not normal there.

The ear doctor and I discuss this frequently. People in Provo have dating ADD and it makes relationships hard. People are so overstimulated by the dating-centric atmosphere of the environment they can't focus on a single person. That is why after having a great flirty converstaion with someone at a party nothing happens. ADD.

It was only when I left there that I was able to calm down and date like a normal person.

Nemesis said... [reply]

DMA, sorry about the lame activity, even if it did make me laugh. :-)

Suzie1, let's do that. We're a few years behind, but that's okay.

April, you may be on to something. Oh yes, you may . . .

I'm actually in Cache Valley, Katie, which I think is a little calmer but yeah, same idea!

i i eee said... [reply]

The child-man syndrome is all too true, sadly.

It's difficult since a lot of these silly ward activities are targeted towards the extroverts. We introverts have a hard time being ourselves when we're supposed to try to eat skittles out of a bowl with a butter knife (real activity, I kid you not, and we had to share knives). Usually when I find myself at said stupid activities, I turn out to be the snotty party pooper in the group because I simply refuse to try to eat skittles with knife that Greasy Gross Boy just used before me. And when I'm the token snotty party pooper, I'm certainly not desirable to the opposite sex. Therefore instead of increasing my chances of meeting a someone, I have decreased my chances because such behavior very well places me in the bitch category.

Yankee Girl said... [reply]

Balance. I like that. I need to work on that.

j said... [reply]

I like the idea of doing things that interest you and perhaps meeting people while doing that. It certainly seems like there must be a way to meet people somewhere besides church and church-related activities. I read something once about getting involved with something you know nothing about as a good way to meet new people, because a) its something you don't already do, so you might find a new group of people, and b) because you are learning, you won't feel weird asking for help which is another good way to meet people.

Melanie said... [reply]

I am with you 110%. I go to so many social activities out of a sense of duty or obligation. Most of the time I end up having a pretty enjoyable experience but not enjoyable enough to keep me from having the same inner debate when it's time to attend the next activity.

I just fear that I'm going to get too comfortable sitting home on weekends reading Jane Austen and won't want to socialize once truly fun and worthwhile social activities do pop up.

Having male friends is wonderful, but after several months if nothing romantic has happened it's usually an indication that nothing will happen. So even that time spent in mixed company doesn't do much for me in the dating area.

Goodness, this is becoming a post in itself, so I'll stop now. Let me just say though, if I have to play Do You Love Your Neighbor or some other incredibly stupid game one more time, I'm becoming a Methodist.

MBC said... [reply]

I agree. I agree. Even when I was in college surrounded by men, I was doing things like studying alone in the library, and the kind of guys I was interested in were studying alone in the library, which made it hard for us to meet one another. Now that I'm out of college, I rarely encounter men at all (except at activities where I feel awkward because I want to be home reading or at a play or something). I like your philosophy, but I'm still practicing my cat care skills, in case spinsterhood is my fate.

Miss Hass said... [reply]

I've been thinking about the balance thing too. I have no idea how to make it work. I'm going to give your plan a try. Cross fingers for more fun and less awkwardness.

lilcis said... [reply]

I think I started opting out of activities around 24 or 25. I'd find myself at dances, etc. with a bunch of 19-year-old girls and 21-year-old guys and just couldn't take it anymore. I think this was also about the time that I realized my life was about me, and to heck with doing things that made other people happy. I kept doing things that added to my spiritual growth (ie: RS Enrichment) but stopped attending the activities that just made me feel bad about myself (ie: juvenile FHE activities).

I fully support your decision. Do things that make you happy. Continue having activities that you enjoy with your friends; just be open to welcoming new friends into the fold. We had a high turnover in our ward, so there were new people showing up all the time, and leaving quickly afterwards. I started to make a point to welcome anyone new to the ward (girl or guy), find out a little about them, and introduce them to other people. It was hard, because I was really shy, but no one else in the ward was making any effort. I made a lot of great friends this way, and even a few dates. Of course, most of those guys went on to marry other girls in the ward, but I think they owe that to me, since the guys may not have stuck around if I had made the effort to welcome them.

Eventually, I met my husband that way. And I wasn’t even interested in him at first, but after our first date we just clicked.

So yeah, make it all about you. Do things that you enjoy, and invite other people to do them with you. It definitely takes the focus off of “who am I going to meet?” and makes you an all-around happier person.

Oh, and move to California.

Cooldad said... [reply]

You should just move back to Alaska. It is better here than Happy Valley, Utah Valley, Cache Valley, or whatever Valley.

Scully said... [reply]

Word. Living in a small, rural town like I do, I have less guilt as there aren't any single men my age here. I tried Institute, but they were all 18-23. And I figure if I'm running around out of desperation, pretending to be someone I am not, then what kind of lasting relationship would result? The mythical Mr. Right would be attracted to a figment of my imagination. And if someone is going to be involved with a figment of my imagination, I might as well stay home with my books and SLAs.

Kelly said... [reply]

Introverts unite! I believe that there is a direct correlation between awesome bloggers and introversion. Just a theory.

OK, so the whole it will happen when you’re not looking for it is true. I know, I know, shut up, Kelly. But the thing is I can honestly say that neither Jason nor I were looking for someone when we met since it was horrible timing for both of us (which you know some of). Of course I was vaguely hoping to meet someone, but I thought for sure that if he existed, he would probably be in DC, which is where I was moving 4 days after I met Jason. And Jason and I had our major ups and downs and have WORKED at this relationship, but here we are 2 ½ years later, married and I would say pretty happy.

I think the key isn’t to “not be looking.” It’s just to live your life. Sure, I blogged about the singles scene and wanted to meet someone, but it didn’t occupy every second of my waking life (like those girls who laugh too loud). When I met Jason I had just taken the Bar, I was planning a move, I was working out and eating well and feeling good about myself, I was having fun with my friends and just living my life.

Don’t put yourself through the torture of the infantile singles activities. Hang out with people who are really your friends. Do things you like to do. I say don’t go into things thinking about meeting a guy, just think about the opportunities to meet other people in general. Girlfriends are worth so much – and I know you know that. Don’t let other people make you feel guilty because you’re not going to every activity. Because, frankly, a lot of singles activities are stupid. And you know what? In my experience the guys aren’t there anyway. It’s just all of those girls who are desperately seeking and maybe a handful of guys.

Another key point is, you don’t want to play the games, and you don’t want to be with a guy who plays the games. I can’t tell you how much time I spent fruitlessly flirting with some guy who just sat back and basked in me and the 37 other girls who were flirting with him before I finally decided I wasn’t going to play that game anymore. I’ve only had a couple of serious boyfriends, but each of them didn’t play that game. Instead they met me, thought they would like to get to know me better, and ASKED ME OUT. Shocker.

OK, my treatise is done.

Becky said... [reply]

So if you don't do all the singles activities - are going straight to H-E-Dbouble-Toothpicks? I suspect you are.

Audrey said... [reply]

Wow.

You have just articulated everything I have been feeling recently. I'm talking a major internal dilemma that caused me to spend my Easter Sunday exhausted, in tears, and finally asking my dad for a blessing. Much of the advice given to me in this blessing mirrors some of the conclusions you have come to, and I really feel the need to thank you for what you've written here.

The main difference with me is that I am very much an extrovert. I NEED people and fun activities to feel normal and whole, but (like you and apparently many others) I struggle to like the activities available to me through church. I felt that way when I was in my mid-twenties and lived in Utah. I feel that way even more now that I am 30 and living in rural Pennsylvania and am a good seven years older than literally every other person in my branch.

Take, for instance, two Fridays ago when I was told to come to a "really fun branch social" and when I show up I am literally dragged out into the middle of the cultural hall so I can hold on to a piece of PVC pipe and run back and forth in a game of human foosball. Seriously? Human foosball??? THIS is the key to fun and happiness?

After about 2 minutes I decided to go sit down because I knew that after having spent the week chasing after a hundred teenagers, all I was in the mood for was some chilling/conversation time, and that I would have a lot more fun watching everyone else than actually playing. And then I got The Lecture. The one where I was told I was being unsupportive of the people who put all the time into planning the activity, and that by not participating I was making them feel bad and ruining it for everyone else. You know what? I SHOWED UP. That IS being supportive. Forgive me if I don't also have the energy to run around a gym for an hour and wouldn't even think it was fun if I DID have the energy. So I ate a snack, talked to some people and went home to bed, and I don't feel sorry for that at all.

I think you are absolutely right to want to pursue activities that are of interest to you. I have recently decided to join a softball team and a bowling league, and to go to more concerts. Those are things that I like to do and that I find rejuvenating. They are good ways to make friends. They are active, so it's a healthy choice for my body. I am excited to see some changes in my level of contentment with life in general a few months from now. And I wouldn't be surprised if being a happier and healthier and more contented person makes me a more attractive person to others. And less like That Girl with the big eyes and the laughing.

I say you go for it! Do things that will bring you joy and true enrichment, not guilt and boredom. There are plenty of activities that are "of good report and praiseworthy" that have nothing to do with church and plenty of great people to meet who have all kinds of backgrounds and can totally be an amazing blessing to your life.

(Also, since this comment is already really long... I've been reading your blog for over a year now, which I found through Miss Hass. I was the RA of 1200 Stover in '97-'98. I think you gals are completely awesome.)

Frey said... [reply]

Activities based on napping :) Hmm. Can't think of any way that could work. Maybe because those are antonyms. Like diets based on eating.

I admire your efforts Nemesis. Not only are you not giving up, but you are exploring new strategies with mental vigor. I think your plan is a wise one.

I want to make sure you don't undervalue flirting though. Desperate=unattractive. Agreed. But "those girls" are relatively rare and most flirtatious girls I know are very successful in friendships and relationships. The key I think is to flirt without ulterior motives, but for the sheer joy of connecting with people. There is a time in life for everything...

Studies have shown that men will ask out women who are flirtatious over more attractive women who are neutral. When I see a women who is flirtatious(within social bounds ), I see a women who has emotional reserve to accept rejection. That is very attractive, because it signals empathy and kindness which tops the list for both men and women in traits they are looking for.

I've seen a trend in attractive women who are not married by 25, 26. Introversion and/or not emotionally giving. I've also seen a trend in women who are less than average attractive who get great husbands - extroversion/emotionally giving.

Fortunately, genes are not destiny (and many personality traits are not genetic). Understanding attachment theory can help us all understand ourselves. Life can be hard for the 25% of us who are avoidant attached. Understanding myself, along with empathy and making friends with people of the opposite sex without any ulterior motives has transformed my life.

By the way, ward activities = social welfare. If you're down and out, you really need it. But its much better be self sufficient and have a real date/friends. But I go occasionally solely to serve, not to get anything out of it. Like going to the cannery.

Lady Steed said... [reply]

I think you should take April's date suggestion and try it out--it sounds like the perfect group date. But you could just call it a "Reader's Gathering" and not mention the date part.

audrey: I remember you! Hello!

Anonymous said... [reply]

Your idea of focusing on activities that continue to enrich you and make you happy is wonderful. I love Lilcis' advice about remaining connected and part of the ward in meaningful ways, and totally ditching the crap activities.

It is pretty scary when the scales get tipped too far the other way. In our 31+ singles ward (SoCal) there were (probably still are actually) just as many women stewing in their singleness at 45 as there were man-crazy weirdos. These are the ones that are busy telling everyone how happy they are alone living their own dreams, but their misery is pretty apparent. They shut themselves off to new opportunities all the time -- can't tell you how many pronouncements I've heard about how they'll never date someone that doesn't wear a suit to work, or they'd never consider marrying a [insert less than perfect person here]. So they never get asked out, they get more and more bitter, and they end up defiant and cut off from people, telling themselves (and anyone who will stand still) that they're VERY HAPPY thankyouverymuch and that this lifestyle is their choice. It's just another form of phoniness is my point.

You're a lovely woman. Keep on keeping on (dancing and reading and cooking and planting bulbs and loving on your family and traveling and blogging and going out with friends and trying new things and all the other great ways you're maximizing the life God gave you) and Mr. FabulousForNemesis will find himself unable to consider a life without you. And frankly, he had better have been busy doing some seriously cool things if he's going to be a match for you.

i i eee said... [reply]

I like some of the things that anonymous just said -however, I don't think it's impossible to be happy and single at 31+. I don't know, maybe ALL of those women really were miserable, and due to their picky ways they still remained single. But I disagree with the idea that they might not have really been happy. I'm starting to join the spinsterhood, and sure, I'd love to meet a great guy, but my chances are quite slim. Does that mean I can't be happy? Happiness is a choice.

The fact of the matter is, there ISN'T someone for everyone. At least not here in this life. So whether or not their happiness was phony, give these girls a break. I'm sick of hearing that women are too unapproachable, or that women hold completely ridiculous standards for the person they want to spend eternity with. Granted, I know there are some women who are nearly impossible with their list of requirements, but I think due to the heavy finger that's pointing at the single men for not marrying, a lot of these men like to blame the women for their own inability to grow a pair. (Not that the women aren't capable of shifting blame from time to time, when really it's no one's fault, it's just poor odds.)

Again, anonymous your comment for the most part was quite lovely. But I'd be surprised if there were more than five women in that ward who made such silly pronouncements, that nearly every woman there was saying her future husband had to wear a suit to work. If that were so common, perhaps it was code for, "I'm just not into you. So I'm going to say something that will piss you off and get you out of my face." Especially if their were just as many man-weirdos as there were women. I'm sure the ladies had to keep their guard up.

Anonymous said... [reply]

Hi iieee,

I think it's completely possible to be happy and single at any age and regardless of marital status. "Man is that he might have joy" right?

My point was that on the continuum of weird single women (which was part of Nem's focus - she left weird single men mostly out of it) there are two extremes - the ones that are caught up in a desperate fervor, and the ones that are so busy rejecting the fervor that they end up brittle and defensive.

As for whether the ladies down either of those extreme ends are single because of their choices, um yeah, I think they are. I don't think they'd be any happier if they were married, which is part of the disconnect. It's not like getting a guy suddenly brings you into harmony with your inner self or aligns you better to God's plan.

Their choices aren't bad or wrong (and you're right that we aren't to judge), but their choices aren't working out for THEM because they're unhappy with the results. Happiness is definitely a choice, and they're making choices that result in unhappiness.

Maybe you're right that the one group are guising their lack of dates under a show of pickiness (easier to reject than to appear to be rejected). However, in my ward it was certainly more than 5 women having these opinions - we used to sit around after activities and talk about what we wanted in a guy and many of the lists were REALLY long and specific.

You can tell the people that are happy (or at least not miserable) because they don't have that glinty look in their eyes, aren't loudly defending their choices, and are busy getting on with their lives.

A very wonderful gf of mine went through a nasty break-up a couple of years ago. She really thought that her guy was THE guy and he spent about a year letting her think that. Their relationship was (to judge from the outside) kinda weird in that this successful, confident woman lost all her boundaries, but hey, she was happy so most of us stayed quiet. Anyway, they eventually broke up, and she went through utter devastation. It took about a year for her to not look so shell-shocked. About a year ago she started working out to help her health, traveled a bit, changed her hair color, involved herself with more people that she normally wouldn't have made friends with, started really upping the amount of service she was doing, and a bunch of other stuff. These were things that she'd always wanted to do and hadn't really gotten around to it when she was busy with whats-his-bucket. Now it's 2 years later and she's fit (ran a 5K!), healthier, blond, licensed in her profession, crazy busy with all kinds of fun church stuff (she doesn't participate in the crap activities either), and she just shines. She's so happy that she glows most of the time and people go out of their way to be close to her. She's also still single. She'd certainly like to be dating someone and eventually married, but in the meantime she's having herself a great life. I aspire to have a life that diverse, interesting, and fulfilling - regardless of my marital status. I bet my dh wouldn't mind if I spent some time as a blond too :)

i i eee said... [reply]

Oh Anonymous. Blondness is sooo overrated. ;) And I've been one before, so I can say that. Ha!

I'm sad to hear that there were so many women who were like that. I know some of those conversations about "lists" and whatnot can escalate to complete ridiculousness, but perhaps coming from a different angle, these women like to appear picky since it's probably easier on the ego to blame one's single status on being too picky, instead of some other apparent flaw. I know I hate to admit all my faults, giving them as proof as to why I'm still single. (Especially since my shortcomings are most definitely not the sole causes of my marital status.) Being picky could very well be a mask for other insecurities. And then I guess some people are just downright snobs.

I just have a few friends who really are anything BUT picky (within reason). And yet they still aren't getting any love from the male (Mormon) half of the species.

I know I need to get out more, and stretch my own boundaries, but easier said than done of course. Anyone have some Xanax they're willing to give away? Social anxiety is real, y'all. Drinking alcohol makes a lot of sense outside of Mormonville; people joke that they would never have anything of a dating life if it weren't for a little inebriation.

Nemesis said... [reply]

I'm mostly just having fun following the comments here, especially the the latest back-and-forth between iieee and anon, who are both saying all sorts of right-thinking stuff.

I do have to back iieee up on the "sometimes it's no one's fault, it's just poor odds" statement. This is driven home to me pretty much every time I go to the temple, where I observe things like a 3-to-1 ratio of women to men. At which point I think to myself, "Yeah, see. This isn't about me. This is about MATH."

Anonymous said... [reply]

At some point we should get to talk about the weird 31+ single men.

Like, I remember a FHE where the lesson was all about how we shouldn't be intimidated by each other and there should be a whole lot more dating going on in the ward. And the teacher (5'2 Asian guy, nice enough, a little shy, "worthy", rolling in self-made moola) then put his own thoughts into his conclusion. To sum up: if a guy is going to spend his hard earned cash, the girl better be grateful, should try not to eat too much, had better have plucked everything offensive out the night before, and it would just be better for everyone if she wasn't fat.

The crowd was probably 70/30 female to male, with most of us girls sporting junk in our trunks. I think we went for cheesecake afterwards at Claim Jumper and (a) paid for ourselves [cuz we're adults], and (b) didn't invite him [cuz we're not always grown-ups].

OOOH and the dances! CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE DANCES? It's just *so* much fun watching 50 yo guys hit on the youngest women in the group all to "you spin me right round baby right round". One guy told me I shouldn't be put off by his 8 kids since "lots of them live with their moms". RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

The Divine Miss A said... [reply]

Anon--Your latest post made me laugh out loud. I've known people who have thought that way and said it to me in private conversation, but never in front of an audience. Classic!

Nem--I gotta second the whole ratio as well. We had combined Elder's Quorum/RS today in my branch and so I counted the guys to girls. Thirteen guys and 28 ladies. Ouch--but at least it's not a 3:7 ratio. We just split our branch up by stakes, so the numbers dropped considerably, but WOW.

AmandaStretch said... [reply]

I realize I'm a little late to the comment party, but I wanted to add my two cents.

I, too, am an introvert, and I really like and agree with what Nem had to say, and I too have decided to opt out of the activities I don't want to attend. I find that I enjoy the ones I do attend a lot more, as I'm not going out of obligation. In my ward, there are probably 9 different activities I could attend in any 7 day period (official and unofficial), and I'd go crazy if I tried to do it all. I tried once, for about a week or two, and it about killed me.

As for FHE, I've mentioned before that I'm a group leader in my ward, and I get about 20% attendance to my group. Sure, some of the activities are super lame and even I don't want to go sometimes, but you try coming up with something EVERY SINGLE WEEK! ;-) I've decided that rather than try to get the non-attenders to come, I just make sure that the group that does come consistently has a good time. I enjoy it a lot more than when I was first called a year ago.

When I go to church on Sunday and am overwhelmed by the social aspect of it all, I remind myself of what I'm really there for. If that means I sit quietly in Relief Society listening to prelude instead of dishing dirt, so be it.

So I'm not dating anyone, but most of the time I'm still really happy because I am doing the things I want to do.

Anonymous said... [reply]

amandastretch brings up another important point:

"In my ward, there are probably 9 different activities I could attend in any 7 day period (official and unofficial), and I'd go crazy if I tried to do it all."

What's the point of asking anyone out if you just have to wait til tomorrow to see them? All these group activities have their benefits, but c'mon - if you're in each others' faces all the time, with an activity that someone else planned (and probably paid for), then you don't have to bother with all that official dating stuff do you? I really think it encourages some serious laziness from both sides.

jehn said... [reply]

...which is weird because I feel like people are saying, go to church activities, go to church activities, but at the same time, urge to date and not just "hang out." So confusing.

I guess they (i.e. church leaders) are saying, go to these activities to meet someone and then get the h out of there and date.

I feel like if a guy wanted to ask a girl out, he'd set up a separate date instead of saying "want to go out? great, pick you up tomorrow for FHE?" Unless he's cheap and/or lame. In that case, run.

(hi, i'm just a random person perusing the blog, which i enjoy. :) )

AmandaStretch said... [reply]

Jehn's comment reminds me of this gem from last summer. I went on a dinner date with one of the guys in my FHE group, which I strategically set up for just before FHE (so I could have an end time just in case). It didn't go very well, and I even called him on the fact that he wasn't even supposed to be in our group as lived in a different zip code. He didn't show up at FHE that night, or any other night since. However, he did call to ask me out again about 4 months later.

I said no. Poor guy.

Anonymous said... [reply]

I kind of agree with the "you will find it when you are not looking" mantra. However, I take that to mean, go out and enjoy life and who really cares if you ever get married!

You should go to the activities because you want to, not because you may miss your chance at missing "the one" - ("the one" is utter bull in my opinion anyways.) I think you should not go to activities if your whole motivation to go is just that maybe you will meet someone.

I say, have fun, enjoy life, do things that make you happy, and love yourself regardless of if you ever get married.

Its funny, when I was dating my now husband, we did have reading dates where we did what one of the previous posters suggested. LOL.

Anonymous said... [reply]

Hmmm, not sure if people are coming back to this post. But Amanda -- not sure what was so wrong about the guy at the dinner date? Was the only thing wrong that he went to a different ward thing?

AmandaStretch said... [reply]

Oh heavens no. There was a lot more wrong with the date. I just happened to vocally note he was supposed to be in another FHE group. ("Oh. You live in ____, isn't that group 4?") I wasn't going to stop him from coming to our group, but I guess he took it that way.

Taren said... [reply]

wow, some people had some stuff to say about this... i just wanted to say that THIS post makes YOU my hero. the end.

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