I'm sure Shel Silverstein would have a field day with this
There's a cyst on my wrist.
A ganglion cyst.
It can now join my eye twitch, scaly skin, and fast approaching seasonal allergies as Reasons to Flee in Terror. I expect to have aliens bursting from my abdomen any day now.
According to the Interwebs, this thing is also called a "bible bump" because the folk remedy used to involve smashing it with a heavy book. The current medical wisdom now counsels against smashing body parts with heavy items, as that may actually cause further injury.
Who knew?
Anyone who can write the best Shel Silverstein-like poem (or limerick) about my nasty wrist gets 100 Schrutebucks.
(image from answers.com)
I'm Steph, a librarian and mom of 3 (not sure how that happened). Let's chat books, food, Sumptuous Literary Adaptations, poop, knitting and maybe some crazy Mormon Feminism.
22 comments:
Are you sure some kind of alien isn't going to crawl out of that in about 2 days?
I know! That's actually my not-so-secret worry.
ummm.... let's see here...
There once was a girl with a cyst
That magically grew on her wrist
If you try to make it flat
With a bible, book, or bat
Your face will get smashed by her fist
TADA!!!
I can't resist
This ode to a cyst.
The prize I don't win?
Oh, I'll be pissed.
This cyst on your wrist--
Now, there's a twist.
Not on your ovaries?
Or was that one missed?
Was it someone you kissed?
Or because of a tryst?
Did you eat something foreign
Or play too much Franz Liszt?
A geneologist I'd enlist
'Twere I a victim of cyst.
Maybe Quasimodo would appear
On that ancestor list!
Now I'm not a cult-ist
Who seeks knowledge through mist
But cures for these maladies
Surely exist!
To assist with your fist
Seek a right wing with grist
Someone with a heavy Bible
Like a deep south Baptist!
And if you persist
Your lump will be dismissed.
If you find that I'm kidding
Take me off your mailing list.
mad hadder, no one else should evn try. you are a comedic genius.
You had that cyst when your were a small child. I smacked it down with a copy of, I believe it was, Mormon Doctrine. Is it back? Give me another whack at it and maybe you'll be good to go for another 20or so years.
Okay, I have read your blog anonymously for a couple of years now and finally have to leave a comment.
I too had a "bible bump" on my wrist several years ago and until now have never found anyone else that can say the same.
I had it for several months before I accidentally banged my arm against a wall really hard. A few hours later it was gone. Good luck!
How many Schrute bucks are in a Stanley nickel?
Oh, sexy. Pity it's not called a "book of Mormon bump".
I love reading your blog. Who else gets limerick writers? I tried a haiku a few weeks ago that was about as popular as green eggs and ham, the actual food. Which is to say, not.
In an unrelated news item, some weeks back you asked about podcasts? I hope you downloaded NPR's books podcast. Maya Angelou gave a beautiful interview there last weekend. I thought of you when I heard it. And now, for the only Shel Silverstein poem I've actually memorized to the only librarian I've ever known personally:
What do I do?
What do I do?
This library book is 42 years overdue.
I admit that its mine,
But I can't pay the fine,
What do I do?
Oh what do I do?
I had one of those ganglion cysts awhile back. I also help to remove them in surgery weekly. It is true about the bible bump stuff. But, they have since found that unless it is removed with all of the membrane surrounding the cyst, then it just seems to come back again and again. Very fun! I can recommend a great hand surgeon. I had mine removed...and it did look like an alien was under my skin because it was attached to the tendon and every time I would move my fingers it would move as well. I highly recommend just having it out. Best of luck!!
Since I can't compete with the brilliant and hilarious mad hadder, I would like to change the rules and follow Science Teacher Mommy's example by quoting the only Shel Silverstein poem I ever memorized in full. And I'm taking it even further off track by not even making it have anything to do with librarians.
What a day,
What a day,
My baby brother ran away.
And now my tuba will not play.
What a day,
What a day.
So. Do I win?
Sorry about the cyst. I won't attempt a poem, but I do have something to distract you: word on the street is that Ioan Gruffudd is in final talks to play Tony Blair in Oliver Stone's movie 'W' which means you will soon be able to sit in a dark room where no one can see your wrist, and stare at a ginormous Ioan.
Limericks are about my level of poetry. That and the "Where the Sidewalk Ends" guy. (I'm being swallowed by a boa constrictor!)
--------------------------------
Lady Nemesis once had a cyst.
She'd have much preferred it a tryst --
With an actor most handsome,
who held her for ransom!
(She'd have ended up thoroughly kissed.)
--------------------------------
Ahhh, it's like being back in 3rd grade. :)
I was going to say,
"Steph has a cyst on her wrist but all she needs to do is get kissed by someone with a lysp. And hope they don't miss."
But as big as that sucker is, who could miss.!!!
I don't have time for anything else.
coolmom
Nem had a csyt
It made her real pissed.
I think "before" wins the prize. Hm . . . falling in love with your kidnapper. That has to be high on the sick female fantasy list.
I have one of those, on and off. If I take it easy it will go away/get smaller for awhile. My favorite thing is to shine a flashlight on it in the dark when it's really big. Then you can have a eerily GLOWING lump on your wrist. I get so tired of defending that "It's not a too-mah."
Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout has a Ganglion Cyst:
A what? A what, you say?
You say today's not Saturday?
And the thing on my wrist is here to stay?
Goodbye. I'm going out to pray.
P.S. I posted today in favor of a county-wide library system.
My friend had a cyst on her wrist.
It bubbled and boiled and hissed.
It grew and it grew--Oh what could she do,
but smash with the opposite fist?
She smashed with the opposite fist.
But the cyst on her wrist did persist!
Now, this is no libel, she smashed with a Bible!
She smashed with a Bible, and missed!
By now, folks, my dear friend was pissed.
She sought out a man to assist.
The man tried to woo her, my friends, to undo her!
And she, poor soul, couldn't resist.
My friend and the man hugged and kissed,
And more my friends, you get the gist.
And now there's a rumor
That she is with tumor
All thanks to that cyst on her wrist.
I had one of those. I got it when I was like 9 years old, and still had it like a year ago when I got sweet benefits with work, so I decided to have it removed.
EXCEPT! My dermatologist is the shadiest guy on the planet. Turns out they're fluid, so you can drain them and a lot of times they won't come back. And if they do, there's like an 80% chance of success after draining them 3 times. It sounds nasty, but draining stuff is usually far less painful than surgery.
So he cut up my wrist, and cut the membrane out and sewed it up, and now I have a big scar. (Well, it's like 3/4 inch, I guess.) I went back partway through and was like, Look guys, this isn't good...because it hurt really bad and I wanted to saw my arm off. And they gave me anti-infection drugs and told me to come back again. I did, and there was a lump again, and he said it was scar tissue inside.
So basically I traded my cyst that could have been drained for a scar that's almost as big of a bump. Lame.
Go to Jaime's doctor though, because mine sucks. AND, he makes people wait for an hour past their appointment times. AND prescribes kidney infection drugs for other things because they're cheap and "will work fine." My insurance pays it. I don't want something that will work fine, I want what it's supposed to be. He's suuuuper shady...
Cicada... amazing. You are a woman of many talents.
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