Tackling fashion, Nem-style

Because I am a woman of my word (mostly) and because I am just that danged grateful that people responded to my plea for blog fodder, I am tackling the first question/request today. This one came from the lovely Jenny-who-is-not-my-sister-Jenny-but-still-kind-of-is-my-Sister-in-a-cosmic-sense:

How about opine-ing on womens' jeans and fashion in general... I was told recently that women (me) should NOT be wearing jeans that fit too snuggly across their behinding areas. I didn't know exactly how to feel about that, as I don't generally think about how tightly the fabric is fitting in that sitting area, if it doesn't impede with my daily run-around, or if I'm not thinking 'oh my, these things are stopping my ability to bend, reach or sit.'

First off, I need to say here that I hate shopping for jeans with a strong, burning, white-hot hate. This is why when, in 2005, I finally found a pair of jeans that looked awesome on me at Old Navy, I went out and bought three pair. Seriously, they were fabulous. They were slimming, short enough for my short little leg-stubs, didn't do that awful gape open in the back at the waist thing (which I hate soooo much) and made my butt look pretty much good enough to eat.

And then they all developed holes on the right knee. Please do not ask me what kind of silly walk I am doing to cause that. Unwilling to part with my jeans, I went out and bought patches to place under the holes/worn/wearing spots, except the patches make this funny rectangular outline on the knee and now everyone who sees me in them thinks, "Hey, cute butt. Too bad she has that freaky square robot knee under there. It's probably an artificial limb. Which, actually, would also explain the odd walk. I just won't say anything."

And, and, since 2005 stupiddumb Old Navy has completely redesigned all their jeans with stupid names like Princess and Diva and Crack Whore and they are all different now and aren't the same and I hate them all and spit on them every time my wooden leg and I go in the store. Humph.

Sorry. Okay. This isn't about me. I'm just saying, I feel the frustration with the jeans.

Now, without seeing Jenny's denimned behinding area, it's kind of hard to imagine what her advisor is speaking about here with the "too tight". Because if they are trying to make you walk around with Saggy Butt, then they are no friend of yours. They are actually your enemy, and you should maybe eliminate them before they can play more mind games. I recently bought a pair of Lucky brand jeans at DownEast Outfitters that make my booty look great--for exactly one day. And then the fabric over my heiny stretches out and creates a saggy, wretched abomination where a formerly cute bottom once resided. Which means that I practically have to both wash and dry them every time I wear them, which then causes me unbelievable carbon guilt. So yeah, you definitely don't want that. And I would think, Jenny, that if your jeans were too terribly snug then they would not be comfortable and you wouldn't be able to move and you wouldn't like the way they looked or felt. Which, like you said, you would be aware of.

Now . . . um . . . here's the other alternative. This may just be someone's way of saying that you need new jeans. Are yours several years old? Is it possible that some of them are maybe getting too small? Do they have pleats in the front or tapers on the bottom? Or do they maybe fit you in such a way as to give you the Dreaded Muffin Top?


Or, is it possible that they are. . . dun dun duuuun . . . Mom Jeans?



If yes to the Mom Jeans question, please burn them immediately. They make everyone's butt look about 20 sizes bigger and are a tool of the devil.

Now, if you can honestly answer No to all those questions, and if you feel good in your jeans and you like them and they look cute on you, then forget what anyone else says.

But if you answered yes (especially to the Mom Jeans question) or are maybe wavering on some of the others, it wouldn't hurt to have a quick look. Try guides like this one from www.ilovejeans.com to see what sort of features work best with your body type.

Maybe look into a couple of mid-rise (not so much with the low-rise) options to cure the Mom Jeans sickness. If you do buy jeans that sit lower on your hips, make sure they're not so tight as to induce The Muffin Top. While integrating lower jeans into your wardrobe, you'll want to do the mirror test where you raise arms/squat down/bend over, etc. to be extra, extra sure you're covered. Some of your tops will not be long enough anymore, but that's where Shade Clothing and DownEast and all those other people come in. Plus, hi, your kids will be happy to point out any gappage for you, I'm sure.

Note: Please do not go jeans-shopping on a day when you are cranky, rushed, tired, bloated, or have other people with you, like children or husbands or skinnier friends. (During my last trip I had GH sitting in the car listening to his iPod and sighing over How I Waste His Life. Only he doesn't even realize how good he has it, because it's not like I demanded that he wait in the store and offer an opinion on each pair I tried on. Count those blessings, friend.)

Do it instead when you have some time to yourself and perhap have sexy toenails or very good hair. These will help offset the Dressing Room Experience, because for sure you will try on 1 or 2 or 25 that look awful in your quest for the ones that look stunningly great. Also, do not trust sizes since pretty much every brand is different. Size means nothing. And please remind yourself that even if a pair of jeans look so bad on you that you want to vomit in your mouth, this is not your body's problem. Those jeans were just made for someone else, that's all. I know that I, personally, would one day like to meet the little giraffe girl for which pretty much every pair of jeans I try on were meant. And when I do so help me I will dump a mountain of jeans on her head and yell, "HERE. These are YOURS, so stop leaving them around for ME to try on, ho!"

It'll be a great day.