All because one person saw herself in the mirror and threw up

So it looks like we're still talking about fashion here. Guys, I'm sorry. Except not really because I have Made. A. Breakthrough!

The wardrobe and I have been heading for a reckoning over the past several weeks. A few pivotal moments were these:

1. Nearly every week at church I look around at what the other girls my age are wearing and think, "Dang. I need new clothes." I realize this is NOT a true statement, but the feeling was still there. Plus, some of these women are the very busy mothers of multiple tiny children. If anyone should get a pass, it's them, and yet here they are bringing their A game. (Granted, their hair is back in that "I get 90 seconds to myself in the bathroom, fool, so just be thankful it's washed" ponytail, but like I'm going to fault them for that considering that they still look about 18 times better than me.)

2. I sat in a librarian meeting and looked around and realized that everyone there was dressed better than me, even though they were all librarians. Which is how you know it's gotten really bad. The girl next to me was wearing trousers and red flats (love me some red flats) with cream-colored fishnet knee-highs. Realized that my life is nothing without cream-colored fishnet knee-highs.

Image from flickr

My feet, at the time, were clad in scuffed-up black Danskos in bad need of polish and dark-blue trouser socks (it was dark that morning) covered in dryer lint and possibly my own hair. I'm maybe starting to see why GH vomits in his mouth every time he sees my feet in them.

3. I came home from work on Friday with the intent of leaving straight away to go bowling with people from GH's work, none of whom I have met before. Decided instead to have PMS-fueled breakdown for 30 minutes about how hideous I look and how there is no way I can be introduced to GH's coworkers (especially not the gay ones) looking like a frumpy hideous middle-aged cardigan lady. After changing every stitch I was wearing and adding red wedding heels and red lipstick, I was somewhat ready to go be in a dark bowling alley wearing completely different shoes than the ones I arrived in.

So. Friday was the low point and resulted in the following addition to my New Years NOTresolutions:

I will NOT dress like a frumpy frumpster. I will actually make an effort to plan and wear outfits rather than some ratty combination of whatever I yanked & sniffed in the darkness of my closet (read: floor) at the last second that morning. It's not even that I need to buy new clothes. I just need to start working what I have and putting things together in a more attractive, professional way.

Also? Tights. Have decided that good hosiery is the key here that will elevate my whole wardrobe from frump to fab (and yes, I felt a tiny bit sick typing that just now). Also they will make it possible to wear some of my nice skirts during the winter. So I hit Ross and TJ Maxx during lunch yesterday to seize my future. And ladies, y'all need to be getting to Ross and TJ Maxx. Buying $15 tights for $3 feels so, SO very good. TJ Maxx had an entire wall of the things. Also they had loads of Spanx stuff for $20 or less. If you're unsure how to get started, here's some advice on how to wear fishnets outside of Halloween or the bedroom, (for instance, I wore black ones on Sunday with a black knee-length dress and black boots, so only the knees where actually showing) and also how to rock the tights.

I bought patterned black tights and opaque brown tights and oh yes, cream-colored fish-net knee-highs, suckas, which I then wore to work with black trousers and the red wedding heels. And let me tell you. Those babies do all kinds of things for your mood. When a coworker tried to impress upon me the severity of a situation to do with immediate ordering deadlines and collection development priorities and programming responsibilities and to offer support for how overwhelmed I was sure to start feeling any second now, I just nodded appreciatively and, when she paused for breath, swung my foot up onto the desk and said, "Only check out how cute, right?!?"

However, people, please note . . .

Note, Note, Note, NOTE:

I did not buy leggings, nor will I ever buy leggings, because I am not brain dead. Please check with me again if I ever get shivved through the temporal lobe.

I ALSO, ladies, dear Mormon ladies whom I love, did not go out and buy minidresses to wear over opaque black tights while telling myself that this is actually modest and a great choice for church.

Because it isn't. It's either a minidress (which, not modest if you're Mormon) or it's a TUNIC over skin-tight pants. Which you are wearing to church for Jesus and impressionable youth to see. Also? We can see your temple garments through those tights. So you can stop kidding yourselves. I know the sweater dresses are really cute right now but PLEASE stop making my head explode because I'm having to walk around with a burp cloth on my shoulder at church just to catch all the brain matter leaking out my ears.

Thank you.


Janssen said... [reply]

After Cicada wrote about tan fishnets, I had to run right out and buy some.

Will make mental note to give the evil eye to all LDS legging & tunic wearers. Two evil eyes if it's at church.

Jenny said... [reply]

I'm thinking you've shunned librarian and turned all fashion goddess.

hannah said... [reply]

I have about 3 pair of tan fishnets I bought a couple years ago, and I LOVE them. I think it is high time I get a new pair...

Also...thank you for the mini dress statement. That drives me crazy!!

Kiersten said... [reply]

I loved this post so, so much.

lifeinthenhs said... [reply]

Leggings; Sadly I am old enough to have worn such items the last time (late 80's early 90's I think). This was of course during a time of big collars and shoulder pads so we knew no better. I even wore them when pregnant and thought I looked ok. I have of course destroyed all evidence!!! I did not look good and never would have. Great post!

Kimberly said... [reply]

I wish someone would have staged a fashion intervention in my behalf. I recently discovered that I buy my pants too short, and I've been wearing high-water pants for a couple of years now. Sigh.

Science Teacher Mommy said... [reply]

And the mini dress is the best part about being SHORT. You don't even have to get a petite for it to hit the knee. (The whole we-can-see-your-garments-under-your-tights must be a Utah thing?) And if you are under 5 foot 9 and weigh more than 100 pounds, leggings and "skinny" jeans belong no where near your womanly self.

Other bargain spots? Target and Fred Meyer--at the end of the season they have like 20 racks of 75% off clearance itmes. KOHL'S. There is not enough love in my heart to express how I feel about their clearance racks/sales. About a year ago I discovered how awesome the Goodwill is. That is pretty much the only place I shop now. I love getting myself together and looking fantastic and then thinking--I only spent $15 on this ENTIRE outfit. Then if I want to buy fabulous and matchy jewelry I don't feel guilty. :)

The irony is that I never cared about any of this stuff all that much until I had my boys. I think I'm over compensating now to keep the testosterone at bay.

Dasha said... [reply]

Oh man. I could have written a very similar post, only in my case hair and makeup also factor into the equation. Every morning I debate the merits of getting an extra half hour of sleep vs. actually going to work not looking like a homely sixteen-year-old fresh off a camping trip.

Sleep always wins.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Janssen, trust Cicada to be on the ball with this one. She is one of the best-dressed people I know.

Jenny, would that it were true . . .

Hannah, I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels there's something off about the Mormon Mini.

Kiersten, thank you! Also I am jealous of your profile picture.

Aw, Julie, I'm sure you were very cute pregnat. And I WILL confess here that I had a pair of white leggings with the lace on the bottom, which I wore under my denim skirt. Because middle school needs more reasons to suck.

Oh dear, Kimberly, I'm so sorry! But hey, you know now, right? And like anyone's going to remember that when all they can do now is stare at your miles-long legs. HAH!

STM, yeah, we shorties do have the unfair advantage there. Kind of like how my mid-calf hooker boots come pretty close to my knee.

Dasha, this is my problem exactly. Although I must say you looked very cute when I saw you. I'm sure you mistook me for a bag lady initially.

Kelly said... [reply]

I love, love, love tights. Pants and I do not get along and tights have allowed me to keep wearing my skirts all winter long (except for the insanely cold days. Like it's going to be 14 on Friday). I have some patterned pairs and some solid pairs and I even have a pair of brown fishnets, but I haven't quite figured out how to work them with my wardrobe yet. The day will come though! And I will be hot.

And people think you can't see g's through tights?! Do they look in the mirror ever?

Jenny said... [reply]

I freaked out at the YW about the leggings and short skirts. I would have liked to pull up go fug yourself's website and done a sideshow presentation about all the levels of wrongness but I held back.

Nerd Goddess said... [reply]

AWESOME post. I should probably print it out and stick it on my mirror like a YW handout. ;)

In all seriousness, though, I really need to up my wardrobe from the daily jeans and t-shirt to something nicer... then again, I clean toilets at my job, so I'm not sure how well fishnets fit in with all that.

Also, THANK YOU for the note about how leggings = gross, and how skin-tight NEVER means modest. Blegh.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Kelly, I understand the trick with fishnets to be that less is more. So like if it's ankles with pants or knees with skirts then you're good and not trashy. But maybe you don't have any pants/long skirts or boots that work with the brown yet?

Hee. Those women are lucky to have you, my sister.

C'mon Nerd Goddess, think about it: Toilets . . . water . . . fish = fishnet tights, baby!

Pie said... [reply]

I'm with STM on "skinny" jeans, those who can wear them are in the vast minority. For everyone else it's: 'Hi, I have huge hips!' even when they don't have huge hips and thighs, skinny jeans bring them out.

And thank you for pointing out that leggings + mini dress does not = modest! I saw some of the yw wearing them, and would have said something but one of the leaders does it too! AND with one of the shirt dresses that buttons down the front so there is a nice big gap showing even more leg when she sits down. And yes, she is fresh out of Utah.

goddessdivine said... [reply]

LOVE tights. And I totally do the Ross/TJ Max thing (and Burlington Coat Factory). Because who wants to pay full price for those.....or nylons for that matter?!

I saw a young girl wearing leggings and a short--very short--dress to Church on Sunday. I almost vomited; well, I was tempted to find the mother and 'splain how immodest her little girl is.

I've decided that dressing nice just makes me feel better. And since shopping is my weakness, I'm a clothes whore. It's a disease really. But at least I'm a good bargain shopper. Who can't be happy when they're wearing cute clothes? ;-)

Erin @ Sprouted in the Kitchen said... [reply]

Nemesis, somehow I hopped here from Alma's site...anyway, riot of a blog. I'll be bag. Love discovering these things. You're like a mini Fug Girl here, esp. the bit about the mom jeans. Excellent stuff.

p.s. Did we know each other? Your "name" sounds familiar--since Alma has names for everyone--and I'm wondering if I knew you. I worked with Alma, et cetera.

Erin @ Sprouted in the Kitchen said... [reply]

Also, besides being bag, I'll also be back. As long as I'm recycling bags, figured I might as well *be* one...

Roxie said... [reply]

I recently bought some real cute Mary Jane shoes at Kohls in both brown and black. Then I of course had to go out and buy a whole bunch of real cute knee high socks! I'm loving the argyle.

I have some back seam nylons I like to pull out on occasion. Still need to get me some fishnets.

coolmom said... [reply]

I have been so unsure what color shoes to wear with cream colored tights. Thanks for the update. I should've asked sooner. Now I have to go buy new shoes the right color. I'm thinking red is best, but brown would do also. I can use both.

Also, I try to lay my outfits out the night before work so I don't have to think about it. Then, I choose one of them for church the following Sunday, eliminating the need to come up with another combo. Don't forget accessories. :)

JustMe said... [reply]

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your blog! I have daughters about your age, including an "older" one that is recently married. Dressing cute is fun and can be really inexpensive. I love shopping for my girls and seeing how cheaply I can get name brands. (True Religion & 7 for all Mankind jeans just scored for $35.00.)

We're not in Utah but I get stories from my daughter who visits often. Her sister-in-law showed up at church wearing knee-highs (hose NOT socks) with an over-the-knee skirt. I mean, seriously people. Aren't there any mirrors in Utah.

Mart -n- Marci said... [reply]

Just finished buying one of those...thanks a lot. You suck.


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