2.19.2009

Because I always love a good courtroom drama

A little while ago fellow blogger April gave me this post idea when she suggested, "You could finally reply to your annoyed commenter and answer that life-changing question:

If you were accused of being a Mormon, would there be enough evidence to convict?

This question was posed by an anonymous commenter who didn't care for my attitude (I was being snarky about something that happened at church, I think) and suggested that I do a bit of soul-searching. Her question put my back up partially because I really don't enjoy the dramatic platitudes. Because I'm not 14 anymore. Also I think it's funny when someone attacks me and makes all kinds of assumptions about me in an effort to show me how wrong it is when I attack and make assumptions about others. Kind of like somebody who decides to teach me about the dangers of road rage by hitting me with her car. But she does bring up an interesting question, one that I would like to discuss here.

So. Let's say I do the self-evaluation and decide how the evidence for me (or is it against me? I don't even know) would stack up in terms of Mormonness in the (highly likely) event of such an accusation.

Membership
Baptized member of Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: +10

Identify self as active member of LDS faith when asked about religious affiliation: +5

Now, that right there? For some people that would actually be enough. But I'm guessing the prosecution will looking for a bit more when they ask this question. So let's take it further.

Church activity
Attend church every Sunday: +5

Attend all three hours: +3

Fulfill Church assignment as Gospel Doctrine teacher: +2

Am making real effort to stay focused on the Savior during the sacrament: +2

Get inordinately irritated immediately afterward about my ward's practice of only scheduling 2 speakers during sacrament meeting, which means that each person talks for approximately 11 hours: -3

Spend too much time noticing who is texting and/or playing games on their cell phones during church meetings: -3

Sometimes mentally critique and even rewrite other people's talks and lessons. ("Let's see, if we removed the 15 minutes of the chemotherapy and bone marrow transplant description that is currently making me sick to my stomach and replaced it with a discussion of how his family came together and was strengthened during this difficult time, then we'd really be on to something, I think."): -2

Word of Wisdom Observance
Abstain from coffee, tea, illegal drugs, and tobacco products. +5

Extra points for not drinking caffeinated soda. +2

Loss of extra points because I eat so much chocolate. -2

Eat meat sparingly, except when cheeseburger cravings hit. NEENER. +3

Have fresh strawberries in my fridge right now, so kind of failing at the "every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof" part. -3

Will eat food cooked in alcohol: -2

Will not eat food cooked in cocaine: +3

Temple worship
Carry current temple recommend: +5

Attend the temple at least monthly: +2

Have been known to doze and/or hallucinate during a session ("Wait, he said what about the flying puppies?????"): -1

Miscellaneous
Attended BYU: +5

Graduated from BYU unmarried: -2

Did not serve a mission: -5 (or +5, if you're talking to one of those misogynists with attitude about sister missionaries)

Am not a registered Republican: -20 (oh wait . . . that's not actually one of the baptismal covenants . . . )

Do not watch R-rated movies: +3

Do read R-rated books: -3

Married a Mormon: +5

Am not yet pregnant by his righteous seed: -3

Utah Mormonry
Live in Utah while being a Mormon: +5

Am a Mormon blogger: +4

Enjoy living in Utah, for the most part: +3

Love the musical Wicked: +3

Have had teeth bleached: +2

Have done it more than once: +1

Have not done it lately: -2

Do not refer to areas outside of Utah as "the mission field": -2

Do not resent having my tax dollars go toward education in a state with the highest rate of school-aged children per capita: -10

Stand by the Church's stated position of "not [objecting] to rights for same-sex couples regarding hospitalization and medical care, fair housing and employment rights, or probate rights." -4

Think Chris Buttars, who helped kill all the bills addressing these rights in their tracks, just before he went on to say awful things about gays and lesbians, should be mauled by wild dogs, for lo, he is a Butt-arse: -2

Care about the environment and the fact that you can't actually breathe around here: -3

Have no plans to create unique baby names by combining elements from mine and GH's names (or any other people's names, for that matter): -3

General Mormon Niceness
Am generally a very nice person: +4

Except for when I'm not:-3

I don't know what the grand total here is or how my conviction is faring. And yes. Sometimes I am not nice. Sometimes I do not give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes I care more about being funny than I do about being kind. I am working on that. But it doesn't make me a bad person or a godless hypocrite. It just makes me human.

So the question of "would there be enough evidence to convict?" (thank you, whichever EFY speaker came up with that, by the way) kind of depends on what kind of Mormon you consider to be a convict-able one. That might just mean, "Someone who sees the world in exactly the same way you do and does not ever think or do or say anything you disagree with." Which . . . good luck finding those.

Can anyone think of any rubric items I'm forgetting?

61 comments:

Kristeee said... [reply]

Things that could earn you more points:
-YM medallions
-Holding out for an eagle scout
-Holding out for a RM
-Knowing all the acronyms
-Temple marriage
-Flip flops at church
-Having a reception at a cultural hall with balloons on the basketball hoop
-Pioneer ancestry

And what's up with having only 2 speakers in Sacrament meeting? Our ward does the same and it's sooooooooo boring! The general authorities don't even speak that long during conference, and they're truly inspired!

Nemesis said... [reply]

Kristee, these are good! I can only claim YW medallions, RM, Acronyms, and Temple Marriage, but still! Them's points!

And yeah. It IS so boring. Would it kill them to toss a youth speaker or something in to break it up a bit?

chosha said... [reply]

Wait...GH is not an Eagle Scout? Wow, I need to rethink my whole stance on him (would it be wrong if I liked him better for it?)

I think you've over-looked the whole 'bake things from scratch' and 'home made gifts' sections of the test. Also you guys appear to be living within your means - and that advice came straight from a prophet's mouth to your ears. :)

I'm not sure how to add up your score as I would have swapped some of the + and -'s.

Cate said... [reply]

Hilarious...I love it.

JRO said... [reply]

Wow! I'm surprised by the fact the question was even asked. I've always found the whole Mormon judgmental thing to be rather annoying. But it sounds as if it's even worse in Utah. I go around claiming myself Mormon all the time, simply based on your first piece of evidence. Of course, I could claim a few of the others as well, although regular church attendance wouldn't be one of them. But really, no one ever questions it. It's more like, "Oh, you're Mormon. That's interesting(but so not).

Elsha said... [reply]

"Will not eat food cooked in cocaine"-- HILARIOUS!

I didn't see anything about scrapbooking though!

goddessdivine said... [reply]

Don't you just love these anonymous trolls? I bet this individual shops on Sundays.....

Let's see. Other points:
-attend stake conference and General Conference instead of viewing them as vacation time
-read the Book of Mormon
-don't wear tights with sweater dresses to church (or anywhere)
-don't skip out on church on Super Bowl Sunday
-tithing and fast offerings
-give to the poor
-practice self-reliance

Taren said... [reply]

best thing I've read in a long time. thanks! i loved this!

Spitfire said... [reply]

Must include:
-Decorating home primarily with woodwork/painting projects made in Enrichment that say things like "Eye Single To His Glory" on them.
-Speak to everyone as if they are in primary
-Save lots of seats everywhere
-Speed in a mini van, never using the blinkers and cutting people off. Hello driver, you have children in your car!

Holly said... [reply]

Where's "is valiantly trying to start a successful photography business from photography hobby and a zillion pictures of my kids which I hoist upon everyone via blogs, emails, and pictures I hang so the drywall is sagging"?

Chelsie said... [reply]

Believe the founding fathers would have all been mormons if the church had been around at the time.

Think the forgotten carols are hymns.

Only buy gifts at deseret book.

Stray from lessons so you can tell stories about how successful your family is or to use all sorts of additional materials to prove how righteous you are.

Insert political beliefs into all comments, assume everyone agrees and that your political opinions are actually doctrine.

Jenny said... [reply]

We had that lame story in sacrament meeting a couple weeks ago.

In our family we don't believe in marrying Eagle Scouts.

Science Teacher Mommy said... [reply]

You do NOT say Ensun. (-5 if you are from Utah, +5 if you are from anywhere else.)

And scrapbooking only earns you points if you call it "family history." Which, by the way, I can trace back to Adam. Can you?

You do not lose points for not having started selling Mary Kay, Arbonne, Usborne Books, Tupperware, Avon, Pampered Chef or Amway from your home. But the only reason you DON'T lose these points is because you are still working "in the world." Once you do have children (and going on government assistance to have them is totally okay), if you don't quit entirely for at least 20 years then your point loss becomes exponential.

Science Teacher Mommy said... [reply]

Oh, and you can't claim the full +4 for being a Mormon blogger. You don't use enough exclaimation points after all of your sentences.

Science Teacher Mommy said... [reply]

Okay, I'm back, but the more I think about it, the more I think you must NOT be a good Mormon. We haven't talked about the last time you took anti-depressants, had plastic surgery or used sex as a way to get something you really wanted (like a trip to Nauvoo or something). When is the last time you went tanning? How often is your hair highlighted, and how stripey is it when you finish? Are you using your standard allotment of hairspray? Do you wear those undershirts from Down East Outfitters by themselves?

The funny part is that I don't actually KNOW anybody like all these "typical" Mormons it is so fun to bash. I get all my Mormon culture stories from my sister who really does know these people.

Desmama said... [reply]

STM, I'm interested to know about that anti-depressant thing. Maybe you could explain how taking them makes someone a typical Mormon? Really, do tell. I'm waiting on bated breath. [/Snark]

momof8 said... [reply]

Hmmm, what about public praying--like in a restaurant? I'm not sure if that would be a plus or minus though . . .

kip said... [reply]

Where do you stand on mocha-flavored ice cream? (From an oh-so-helpful LDS book given to me on questions you must discuss with your future spouse before committing to marriage.)

annie said... [reply]

-bumper stickers with cute things like RULDS2?

-Greg Olsen art in abundance

-rook cards instead of face cards

-uses lots of "sounds like the real thing but just a little different swear words" because they are better than the real ones

-says "bless his/her heart" after trash talking someone

-favorite recipes include a can of cream of something

jeri said... [reply]

I think you forgot to give yourself points for all your self-reliance abilities. You can knit fashionable leg-warmers for heaven's sake!

Also your determination to sing loudly, even if in the back of the chapel.

Doreen said... [reply]

"Cheerfully volunteers time for frilly church projects"

Nerd Goddess said... [reply]

I don't really like the whole "would you be convicted as LDS?" thing, either. While I think it's great to try and figure out how we're living our lives, it's WAY more important to:

1. Do our best in the church
2. Try and do a little better, and improve our "best"

Nevertheless (do we get points for using Book of Mormon/Bible phrases?) your list was hilarious.

Science Teacher Mommy said... [reply]

Desmama--I've heard so many urban legends about how Utah has the most prescription drug use/abuse in the country. Something about how Mormon women get extremely worked up and guilty over things. Do you know anyone like that?

Naturally I just assumed Utah women had started sprinkling valium and ambien in the casseroles to save time--the cream of chicken helps with absorption into the blood stream. Don't even get me started on the Ritalin-tainted fruit snacks. But that must be a Utah County thing. ;)

april said... [reply]

well done, nem!! didn't realize what great laughs were in store when i asked you to respond. (even from the comments had me roaring at times - kip's might of been my fave cuz of that "all so helpful book thing" - did that book also suggest to find out your partner's home/visiting teaching stats and whether their parents are divorced?). on your list, loved the eating strawberries out of season and cocaine cooked stuff too. only two speakers weekly IS insane and would induce major griping from me; (i only sympathized here - not laughed). i might just be bleaching my teeth before the next time i viist utah - wasn't aware of that. and pretty please wouldn't you and GH consider combining your blog names for future children? i'm sure us fellow commenters could give oodles of suggestions and it would make you a more recognizable mormon (at least in the west.)

thanks for the hair comments. i'm loving my new do. just for the record, i hate trolls (and mormon platitudes) too!

abby said... [reply]

Have you attended EFY?

Have you attended seminary?

+3 for attending early morning seminary

Do you still know all the words to girls camp songs?

Do you still get all giddy when describing your girls camp experience?

Chino Blanco said... [reply]

You know it's bad when even Utah's Fox13 is calling Buttars out as a liar:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veDhoeyAn18

JustMe said... [reply]

Sorry this is long – but you started it.

I think I’ll pretty much fail “Are you the Real Mormon test” because:

*Hanging out in the parking lot of the local Mega-Baptist Church passing out signed copies of the Book of Mormon. Local church is affectionately known as “Six Flags over Jesus” (I don’t do this because I’m scared of those people.)

*Rolling eyes and threatening to become a Baptist if THAT GIRL bears her testimony for the 520th Sunday in a row. Seriously, some people can’t see an open mike without subjecting others to how cute they are. Beside, bless her heart, we all really wanted to hear an 8 year old read us an entire article from The Friend on fast Sunday.

*Under no circumstance should you ever say OUT LOUD while someone is giving the longest talk in the history of the church (leaving NO time for the stake president to speak), “Oh please, don’t tell another story”. (Lose additional points if speaker’s wife is 2 rows in front of you and actually hears your plea.)

*Say “I couldn’t live in Utah because there are too many Mormons there.”

*Snap back at people “We don’t care how you did it in Utah”.

*If you are a southern Mormon it is completely acceptable and offers real forgiveness if you say “Well, bless his/her heart” after trash talking.

*Get angry with people who expound on the virtues of pregnancy and how we can only be “real mothers” if we actually carry a child and give birth. This line of teaching is especially effective if you are a YW teacher and have been told THREE TIMES that one of your 16-year-olds just found out she will never be have to have children.

You’ll have to assign your own point values because I couldn’t decide if these were actually pluses or minuses. I am much nicer than this list would indicate, but all of these have really happened or been said and it makes me crazy. Except I did say “We don’t care how you did it in Utah”.

Loved your list and I am SO jealous that you met MCB. I’m jealous of both of you, cause y’all are my favorite bloggers.

La Yen said... [reply]

Have you ever made a gift "In a jar" for your neighbors? Because that is plus 3.

If you made it at Super Saturday it is plus 4.

Uncle Rico said... [reply]

Sooo...

"Sometimes I do not give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes I care more about being funny than I do about being kind. I am working on that. But it doesn't make me a bad person or a godless hypocrite."

Just wanted to share my thoughts:

I don't personally like the "I know it's a weakness I have, but hey, that's what makes me human attitude.

Porn addicts, wife beaters, drug users etc often make the same claim when they don't really want to let go of their sins. Don't mistake me, I'm not comparing your choosing trying to be witty over choosing to be kind with those sins, but the principle of hanging on to a sin you have some liking for is the same.

To you it is an area you recognise you need to improve in. If you choose to look at it with the attitude of "I'm doing pretty good in my life thanks Jack, I'll allow myself this little thing, cause, y'know, I kinda like it" you wont repent of it. And you will be allowing part of your character to romp away in an Unchristlike manner.

The world wont end as a result, but the consequences are that you risk alienating people that maybe you had the power to help on their journey through life, and it'll be a part of you that you will remain all natural (wo)manish.

Just saying.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the hot tub, with my soul mate.

daltongirl said... [reply]

-Collecting Living Scriptures videos for future children
-Crying during testimony
-Driving Suburban (for Scouts/calling if no kids yet)
-Wearing skirts with high slits with unmatching slip underneath that hangs down about six inches below the slit
-Wearing red, white, and blue (or better yet, flag motif clothing) on any holiday that could be considered patriotic and all of July
-If you are as yet childless, you should be talking openly about looking into adoption
-Own ClearPlay player
-Use ClearPlay player
-Think Yoda was created in the image of President Kimball
-Have sent the "Free the Birdies" email to more than 100 people


Points to look forward to in the future:

-Doing your son's Eagle project
-SAHM (if you must work, being a teacher or health care provider)
-Skipping out on SS and RS to attend Nursery with your child
-Taking Cheerios/Marshmallow Mateys to sac mtg
-Dressing your baby in christening gown/white tux for baby blessing
-Dressing your daughter in white satin prom dress for baptism
-Writing your kids' Primary talks
-Ten points for every additional kid after #4


For the depression thing, there could be a whole series of ways to receive or deduct points. I definitely think you should get points if you talk (read: teach) in RS or SS about how all these people who take medication should just get over it and have more faith.

Also, you should be outspoken about divorce, and make blanket statements about how anyone who is divorced must have been unrighteous/unworthy/not a good spouse. Same for people who don't have children/aren't married.

And I'm hoping "have done it more than once" and "have not done it lately" were referring to having your teeth bleached. Although, you know, whatever.

Mrs. Clark said... [reply]

Love your blog! Mormon Child Bride led me to this. I probably couldn't be convicted, either, but last Sunday Sacrament meeting was about the way the Lord looks on the heart. So I hope that'll save me!

ADORE Iaon Gryffudd! And I haven't adored an actor/singer since Donny Osmond was 15.

TheMoncurs said... [reply]

So, it's really awkward telling someone you've never met that you've dreamed about them, but I think you'll appreciate this.

I was at the mall food court with my 13 month old and you were at a nearby table with a couple other bloggers I enjoy. And my son, Wes, proceeded to go absolutely, uncontrollably, Devil's Child crazy. And no matter what I did I could NOT get him to just calm down and stop harassing everyone. And you all were giving me The Eyebrow of Judgment and I was SO embarrassed because he really is a very sweet kid and I'm not like the moms in the library who let their children run amok! I'm a responsible parent!

I finally gave up and dragged him kicking and screaming past your table and stopped for a second to say, "Hi, I really love your blogs." And as I walked away I heard you say, "She reads, but clearly she does not understand. Did you SEE her parenting?"

And then I woke up laughing. And kind of horrified. But mostly laughing.

Nemesis said... [reply]

TheMoncurs, I am the horrified one. I'm dying laughing, but I am also horrified. If you ever dream of me being that rude to you again, please do me a favor and go slap me.

Melanie said... [reply]

Someone already beat me to the EFY one.

How about:

1 point for EFY cd in your collection (2 if they have been updated to your iPod)

3 points for each vinyl scripture or GA quote on your wall. 5 points of it's an apocryphal GA quote

2 points for every Thomas Kinkade print on your wall

Musings of the Mrs. said... [reply]

Do you wear a CTR ring now? Have you in the past? Ever tuck and pin to hide garments? Did you marry someone who will someday be a bishop? Can you bake everything from scratch? Do you own a breadmaker? How bout a food dehydrater? And speaking of food, how many months of food storage do you have? Swearing? Do you read scriptures every day? TV on Sundays that is not BYU? The list goes on and on.

C. said... [reply]

Other points to consider:

-quickly jump on every crafting craze that comes up and call it "your calling in life"
-start a photography business with no training or experience, of course one that wants to "capture the moment" because "all moments are special"
-think vinyl lettering EVERYWHERE is a classy way to decorate your home
-capitalize AT LEAST one word per sentence on your blog (or use at least 3 exclamation points in a row at least once per post)
-have that wretched auto-load music on your blog--most of American Idol and country or holiday songs
-frequently compare recent wedding announcements/dresses/rings to your own, always vocally and point out how yours was better
-whine and moan about how everything was soooooooo much better in utah/california/arizona

Which reminds me, people complaining about their taxes being high because of schools only gets worse as you leave the state of Utah. Because some states really do have a high cost of living as compared to Deseret. And they just go on and on about how they don't think schools are sooooooo much better here that they should be paying 3x the taxes.

Jill said... [reply]

I laughed out loud more than once with your list. I am not a Mormon and I clearly know that you are. But you are HUMAN and NORMAL and NOT insane! But are you sure you don't want to combine your name with GH's? Could be fun..... ;) P.S. Tell people to get over themselves. Perhaps that commenter was feeling especially guilty that day about something?

Jill said... [reply]

P.S.S. Ditto to everything Spitfire said. Also perfect.

Anna B said... [reply]

so, not eating food cooked in cocaine. what about diet coke with vanilla from sonic? because i think that might have cocaine in it, but I NEED it. however, it is also not cooked, per se. so i think it should be put on the "ok" list.

oh, and there was another thing...i can't remember. oh yes! can we vote gospel doctrine teacher as the best calling ever? right next to getting to choose the hymns for sacrament meeting (i'm kind of picky about hymns. no more love at home! no more hymns that we don't know!)

oh, and we don't actually know each other. but i really enjoy your blog!

Cafe Johnsonia said... [reply]

You are so wrong. If you aren't registered as a Republican there is NO WAY IN HECK you could be a good Mormon. I just don't get why they haven't started asking that in TR interviews...

Laura said... [reply]

Other mormomisms that you (nor thankfully I) would probably not get points for:
-Sending out "I am registered at" cards in your wedding announcement
- Never RSVPing
- Had fake ivy and icycle lights at your reception in the church gym
- Thinks Target is expensive (I swear, everyone in my ward up here in AK thinks its like shopping at Nordstroms..whaaa?)

Claire said... [reply]

This is hilarious. Thank you.

jeri said... [reply]

You should get one point for every painted-wood or cut-out-vinyl Made At Enrichment art project you have in your home decor arsenal. But only if they're done in either the Scriptina or Papyrus fonts. Any that are nicely done or well-designed don't count.

Also you get +5 points for every red 'accent wall' in your home.

Anonymous said... [reply]

I agree that a lot of this stuff is ridicules but is it necessary to mock the thing that the prophet has encouraged us to do like READ YOUR SCRIPTURES DAILY and having FOOD STORAGE.

Roxie said... [reply]

Wouldn't it be nice if we all lived the gospel and doctrine rather than created a whole culture around it?

Anonymous said... [reply]

If you don’t about global overpopulation or ecological issues.

If you get married at age 21 right after returning from your mission because “the Lord revealed to you on your first date with XXXX that she was to be your wife”.

If you encourage your wife to quit her job and start having babies “because that is the Lord’s will” even though you don’t have a reliable means of supporting your family and she has a great job.

If you move from one city to another because you feel like the Lord has something for you to do, even though job prospects there are inferior to those where you already live.

If you start taking anti-depressants instead of seeing a counselor who would help you to understand that your day to day pattern of living is virtually guaranteed to cause depression.

If you wear underwear that is believed to have magical powers, and that you worship it by not letting it touch the floor, only your butt.

If you encourage worthiness interviews with children

Becki Becki Bo Becki said... [reply]

Come on, you better not eat the pork from Cafe Rio! 'Cause, you know, it's cooked in Coca Cola.

Polly said... [reply]

So my grandma (who is about 4 feet tall) frequently comments in her quiet voice (loud enough for all of the RS room to hear) "I don't know why they always talk like we are all Republicans. Because I'm not and never will be. But don't tell any one it isn't their business who I vote for." Of course she also comments in her "quiet voice" about the intelligence of the youth speakers- normally not complimentary. And this same Grandma voted for McCain because she thought Obama was a "whippersnapper" and would make a good president in another 15 years. That was a great conversation. (In her defense the day after the election she cried because she was so excited to get to see the first black president and she could remember voting for the first time in a federal election all in her life time.)

Okay that was totally off topic.

Have you ever told some one you couldn't date them because they come from a broken home and therefore obviously would fail as a spouse? (true story)

Do people look at you with a confused/quizzical look in their eyes when they find out you have a graduate degree and no babies?

Do you genuinely enjoy mormon fiction? (is that even possible?)

JustMe said... [reply]

If you start taking anti-depressants instead of seeing a counselor who would help you to understand that your day to day pattern of living is virtually guaranteed to cause depression......" Anonymous"

And you, Anonymous, are a idiot, bless your heart. Until you have lived with depression or anxiety, you have no room to speak. Both of these are caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and you can counsel until the cows come home, and you’ll probably still be depressed. Perhaps you can hang out with Tom Cruise and explore the wonders of Scientology.

april said... [reply]

@JustMe- i didn't take anonymous' comment that way. i don't think he/she was saying anti-depressants were always wrong and never needed. i do think there is a point in some mormon women just going, going, going on a checklist of things they think the prophet wants them to do and never stopping to mediate or enjoy life. recognizing that kind of life pattern would be helped by a counselor. i agree that medicines help a lot too. and come on, that butt comment was hilarious!!!

to the other anonymous (???Same) - i didn't think anyone mocked those things. i'm pretty sure all of us who are mormons would agree those are important commandments to follow!!! (commandments being the key word in that sentence).

shelbs said... [reply]

Steph-
You are my favorite. I can always count on you and your blog for a good laugh, even when I should be in bed and awake early tomorrow morning.

-Shelbi

Andersonland said... [reply]

I don't know if it would be a plus of a minus in your mind to wait till you are 30 to get married and then wait for five more years after that to start reproducing. With that said, give yourself an infinity of points for getting out of BYU single....that's what the cool girls do -- oh wait and I did all of those things....and I don't seem to be burning in hell just quite yet.

Anonymous said... [reply]

+++ points:
You have a special phone number that is listed in church records so you can screen all your calls. Because seriously, does anyone you know in church ever have anything good to call you about? It could be the bishop asking you to speak this sunday, a visit from the home teachers, or another calling or something else you can do for the church. In addition, whenever you have to speak to someone from church, they never answer their given phone number either.
I don't know, maybe that one's just for me and I'm not part of the chosen because I'm a convert. To quote Ferris Bueller (and John Lennon): "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Infer from that however you like:-)

James McOmber said... [reply]

Don't you love when people like Uncle Rico and the Anonymous 8 posts above me leave assholish comments without ever having met you?

I just found your blog by way of the Mormon Child Bride, a high school friend of mine. Cheers. Keep it up.

Anonymous said... [reply]

I love this post. You always call it how it is, and make me realize I'm not alone in my snarky cynicism of a religion I love that is somehow surrounded by the weirdest culture. Keep up the good work!

I like the Anonymous comment about the screening phone calls. You should get points if you DON'T have one, but honestly, who doesn't occasionally not pick up because it's someone from church?

Hilarious.

lainakay said... [reply]

This started out funny but got a bit too jaded for my taste.

Just want to point out that all religious cultures have their quirks.

I am LDS, my husband is Catholic, I grew up and currently live in the "mission field," my children have attended Lutheran preschool, and I worked for two Orthodox Jewish men for several years. I've been exposed to a fairly wide array of religious lifestyles and honestly, they can all claim their own unflattering stereotypes.

Mormons aren't as unique and strange as some of us think we are...

lainakay said... [reply]

P.S. I also think that there are some/many people who are trying so hard not to fit the "LDS stereotype" that they are making their own unfortunate stereotype. Again... not so unique!

Nemesis said... [reply]

Lainakay, you said "mission field!" My eeeeeaaaarrs! Or should it be eyes? I don't even know. I just get rubbed wrong when people use that term (unless they're doig it ironically) to mean "places that are not Utah." My brother served in the Salt Lake City South mission, so there is plenty of "mission field" right here too.

But as to your point regarding stereotypes that exist in every religion and/or culture, of course you are right. I'm sticking with elements of the perceived Utah LDS culture because that's the one I'm familiar with. If I tried to tackle sterotypes of Orthodox Judaism it wouldn't go very well, I'm thinking.

chosha said... [reply]

I have issues with Uncle Rico's claim that you are 'hanging on to a sin you like'. While obstensibly it is better to be kind than witty, sometimes a throwaway 'witty' comment is the only thing that keeps us from going postal. It lets some of the steam out and we are kinder overall for it.

Plus, underneath this snarky banter there is a deeper point. No-one should be told they are 'not Mormon enough' for things that have nothing to do with doctrine and everything to do with culture.

PS...STM: ensun? People actually say that? It took me five minutes to work out what that even meant. Wow.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Chosha, yeah. In fact, I can't find it now but in the Ensign magazine there used to be this little blurb in the credits about how it should be pronounced "en-zine" instead of "en-sun." So you know it's a thing.

lainakay said... [reply]

Nemesis - I used "mission field" and placed it in quotes because it had been used several times in the comments. Interesting tidbit for the Mormons who think this term is unique to us...

There is a sign when leaving the parking lot of the Lutheran church preschool that my children attend that says "You are now entering the mission field."

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