Because I always love a good courtroom drama

A little while ago fellow blogger April gave me this post idea when she suggested, "You could finally reply to your annoyed commenter and answer that life-changing question:

If you were accused of being a Mormon, would there be enough evidence to convict?

This question was posed by an anonymous commenter who didn't care for my attitude (I was being snarky about something that happened at church, I think) and suggested that I do a bit of soul-searching. Her question put my back up partially because I really don't enjoy the dramatic platitudes. Because I'm not 14 anymore. Also I think it's funny when someone attacks me and makes all kinds of assumptions about me in an effort to show me how wrong it is when I attack and make assumptions about others. Kind of like somebody who decides to teach me about the dangers of road rage by hitting me with her car. But she does bring up an interesting question, one that I would like to discuss here.

So. Let's say I do the self-evaluation and decide how the evidence for me (or is it against me? I don't even know) would stack up in terms of Mormonness in the (highly likely) event of such an accusation.

Membership
Baptized member of Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: +10

Identify self as active member of LDS faith when asked about religious affiliation: +5

Now, that right there? For some people that would actually be enough. But I'm guessing the prosecution will looking for a bit more when they ask this question. So let's take it further.

Church activity
Attend church every Sunday: +5

Attend all three hours: +3

Fulfill Church assignment as Gospel Doctrine teacher: +2

Am making real effort to stay focused on the Savior during the sacrament: +2

Get inordinately irritated immediately afterward about my ward's practice of only scheduling 2 speakers during sacrament meeting, which means that each person talks for approximately 11 hours: -3

Spend too much time noticing who is texting and/or playing games on their cell phones during church meetings: -3

Sometimes mentally critique and even rewrite other people's talks and lessons. ("Let's see, if we removed the 15 minutes of the chemotherapy and bone marrow transplant description that is currently making me sick to my stomach and replaced it with a discussion of how his family came together and was strengthened during this difficult time, then we'd really be on to something, I think."): -2

Word of Wisdom Observance
Abstain from coffee, tea, illegal drugs, and tobacco products. +5

Extra points for not drinking caffeinated soda. +2

Loss of extra points because I eat so much chocolate. -2

Eat meat sparingly, except when cheeseburger cravings hit. NEENER. +3

Have fresh strawberries in my fridge right now, so kind of failing at the "every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof" part. -3

Will eat food cooked in alcohol: -2

Will not eat food cooked in cocaine: +3

Temple worship
Carry current temple recommend: +5

Attend the temple at least monthly: +2

Have been known to doze and/or hallucinate during a session ("Wait, he said what about the flying puppies?????"): -1

Miscellaneous
Attended BYU: +5

Graduated from BYU unmarried: -2

Did not serve a mission: -5 (or +5, if you're talking to one of those misogynists with attitude about sister missionaries)

Am not a registered Republican: -20 (oh wait . . . that's not actually one of the baptismal covenants . . . )

Do not watch R-rated movies: +3

Do read R-rated books: -3

Married a Mormon: +5

Am not yet pregnant by his righteous seed: -3

Utah Mormonry
Live in Utah while being a Mormon: +5

Am a Mormon blogger: +4

Enjoy living in Utah, for the most part: +3

Love the musical Wicked: +3

Have had teeth bleached: +2

Have done it more than once: +1

Have not done it lately: -2

Do not refer to areas outside of Utah as "the mission field": -2

Do not resent having my tax dollars go toward education in a state with the highest rate of school-aged children per capita: -10

Stand by the Church's stated position of "not [objecting] to rights for same-sex couples regarding hospitalization and medical care, fair housing and employment rights, or probate rights." -4

Think Chris Buttars, who helped kill all the bills addressing these rights in their tracks, just before he went on to say awful things about gays and lesbians, should be mauled by wild dogs, for lo, he is a Butt-arse: -2

Care about the environment and the fact that you can't actually breathe around here: -3

Have no plans to create unique baby names by combining elements from mine and GH's names (or any other people's names, for that matter): -3

General Mormon Niceness
Am generally a very nice person: +4

Except for when I'm not:-3

I don't know what the grand total here is or how my conviction is faring. And yes. Sometimes I am not nice. Sometimes I do not give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes I care more about being funny than I do about being kind. I am working on that. But it doesn't make me a bad person or a godless hypocrite. It just makes me human.

So the question of "would there be enough evidence to convict?" (thank you, whichever EFY speaker came up with that, by the way) kind of depends on what kind of Mormon you consider to be a convict-able one. That might just mean, "Someone who sees the world in exactly the same way you do and does not ever think or do or say anything you disagree with." Which . . . good luck finding those.

Can anyone think of any rubric items I'm forgetting?