I make funny choices when I'm stoned

The day after I gave birth to He Who Must Not Be Named and was still in the hospital, I got a call on my cell from a number I didn't recognize. Now, please do not ask me why I answered the phone. It could have had something to do with all the drugs I was on, or possibly all the lost blood that had not yet been replenished by The Nurses Who Deserve to Go Straight To Heaven (as opposed to The Nurses Who Were Like "Or . . . You Could Always Just NOT Get a Blood Transfusion and in a Few Weeks You'll Start to Feel Better and Will Stop Looking Like a Ghost and Passing out All the Time." I'm wishing a different fate on those nurses.)

Anyway, I answered the phone. A man introduced himself as a Brother So-and-So from the ward bishopric.

Brother So-and-So: How are things going?

Me: Great! I just had a baby, Whooo-oooooo!

(Thinking: Wow, the ward is already calling to congratulate me? Gosh they are on the ball here.)

BSS: Oh really? Wow.

Me: Yep! Just now! I'm still in the hospital and everything!!

BSS: Oh. Oh gosh. Um . . . that's--you know, I was going to call to ask you a question about Primary, but um, nevermind. I'm going to let you go now. Congratulations on the baby!

Me: Uh huh! Wooooooooooh . . . .

I figured I'd pretty well dodged a bullet there. Only then he called again about 6 weeks later, falling all over himself to apologize over calling me in the hospital. (Only, not his fault, how was he supposed to know? I'm the drugged-out moron who picked up the phone.) And he wanted to see if I would possibly at all be willing to be one of the teachers for the 6-year-olds. I said sure, but that I wasn't planning to bring the baby to church for at least another month so I couldn't start right away. He said the Primary President was fine with that and that she really wanted me and would be happy to wait until I was ready to start coming back. So there you go. I figured hey, I get 6-year-olds so this should be fine. It'll be like teaching Savvy's class. Some of them can already read and everything.

The week before I started, the Primary President came over to give me the lesson manual and chat with me about things. Only, while she was talking to me I started to wonder if there's something wrong with the water here, other than the part where it does not contain fluoride but does contain algae. (No lie. We filter our water and green stuff is in the filter. It's nasty.)

She went down the class list and talked a little bit about the kids.

PP: One really nice thing is that you don't have to deal with diapers. Except for . . . this boy. He still may be in them.

Me: Oh . . . does he have any developmental delays or anything?

PP: Nope, some kids just won't do it until they're ready, you know?

Me: (Um, I guess . . . )

And then later:

PP: Now, this boy generally has his mom in class with him every week, because he gets anxious if she's not there. This other girl, she has a hard time but her mom doesn't stay and after a few minutes she's usually fine.

Me: (to myself: Holy cow, doesn't that make, say, SCHOOL difficult?)

Me:(to her:) Now, these kids are 6 years old, right?

PP: No, they're 3.

Yeah. Turns out there was a miscommunication. I'm ACTUALLY teaching the Sunbeams. Which makes the whole crying/diapers thing make a LOT more sense. And then I panicked about "Oh my gosh, what do I even DO with 3 year olds," until I remembered, "Hi, you just spent two years doing storytimes for 3 year olds. I think you can handle this." So I just need to figure out a way to change the words to all my storytime songs so that they have Jesus in there somewhere and we'll be good to go!



You are welcome.


Kelly said... [reply]

Ow, my ovaries!

Magnificent Me said... [reply]

Yeah, there totally should have been a warning before throwing out that picture!

Kimi said... [reply]

To start off, your little guy is beyond adorable. And I know; I make cute kids, too.

While I was IN LABOR, someone from our ward called to see if I could play the piano. My dear husband replied (with the understatement of the century), "Well, she's kind of busy right now." When whoever it was that was calling asked if they could call back later, my dh told them, "She's in labor. Right now. Having a baby. So... no." The caller's reply? "Oh, okay. Maybe she can help another time." You THINK? Pretty sure the person calling was a man.

Anyway, so now you have someone to commiserate with. And the whole teaching-Sunbeams? Good luck! My little boy is a Sunbeam, and if your class is anything like him, you'll have some awesomely funny stories to share about the things they say :)

Spitfire said... [reply]

beautiful baby! I will see you both on Monday! Right?

Katie E. said... [reply]

Normally you warn a person before you pull her ovaries out of her body with a picture that epically adorable!

Also, my favorite phone conversation with my sister ever was while she was coming out of anesthesia after her C-section. She does not even remember the dopey things she said.

Brandi said... [reply]

You need to purchase some I Spy boards. It's the only way I can get through the last 20 minutes of class with my Sunbeams.

Last year I taught the six year olds. BEST AGE EVER. Still young enough that they thought I was a spiritual genius and that coloring was the best thing ever, but old enough to have meaningful lessons.

The Sunbeams? Not so much. It's pretty much just boogers, trips to the bathroom and singing Popcorn Popping until my brain explodes. And who knew three year olds wouldn't like coloring? But they'll sit and play I Spy forever.

Science Teacher Mommy said... [reply]

My three (number three and age three) is my favorite. I know . . . I know . . .you shouldn't have favorites, but I just think anyone who gets to spend an hour with him is blessed beyond all reason. My other three year-olds were beasts, but then I had a baby and a move each of those years.

Have FUN!

As for the calling at weird times thing? I guess that is just what you get when we drop home phones for cell phones. I had the missionaries call from Oregon while I was on the BART in San Fransisco to see if I could meet them in an hour for a discussion. Um . . .no, actually.

Kristeee said... [reply]

Henry's adorable.

We had the Sunbeams last year . . . 14 of them. Most of the time we had 9 or 10 kids in class. It takes a month or two to get used to it (and them to you), but it was a fun calling.

Here are my tips, for what they're worth:
1. when you go to get a drink/go potty, have them line up in the classroom (the quietest kid goes first), then have them walk quietly down the hall. If even one kid can't be quiet, walk, or stay in line, go back and try again. It sometimes took us 4 tries, but our kids were really quiet in the halls.

2. Come up with some kind of a punishment. For us, the disruptive kids sat in our laps with their arms folded (read: we held them tightly in our laps and didn't let them move). It worked wonders.

3. We tried to never get the parents. One kid wouldn't come to class without crying and screaming, which embarrassed his parents. So we took him and refused to let him go back to his dad - he sat in the corner and cried for the entire lesson and snack. The last 5 minutes he was just fine, and we never had a problem again. His parents loved us.

Anna B said... [reply]

Your baby is BEAUTIFUL! And he has been from day 1. Not all babies are like that, you know. But your baby is!

Señora H-B said... [reply]

What a cutie pie!

Also, funniest story I've read on the internet today. No, this week. Let's just say that Sunbeams scare the ever living snot out of me.

Elsha said... [reply]

He is so cute!

Good luck with the sunbeams, they are definitely not the six year olds...

goddessdivine said... [reply]

Gosh that little outfit is cute. Oh, and the baby's darling too. ;-) Actually, he's so freaking adorable!

Dude. You had me worried that there was a 6-year-old in diapers. And then you had me thinking that perhaps they asked you to do the "Special Ed" primary class. So glad you cleared that one up. But good luck with those Sunbeams. They're a cute age, but like you said: "What the crap do you do with them for 40 minutes?!"

mj said... [reply]

Oh, he is so fabulous. Almost makes me ready for another newborn. Almost.

Hey, I actually do teach the six-year-olds in primary and you were starting to make me feel better about having only one special needs kid in the class. Oh well. But I am happy for you that there was a mix-up.

Sunbeams really are the cutest.

perkiwindy said... [reply]

Speaking as a Primary president...THANK YOU FOR ACCEPTING THE CALLING! We have almost 200 kids in our primary and you wouldn't believe how hard it is to get primary teachers...you will love it. And the bishopric ALWAYS gets the callings wrong, don't worry!

Sherry said... [reply]

I have taught Sunbeams (twice), seven-year-olds, nine-year-olds and ten-year-olds. (You'd think that as a professional genealogist my eternal calling would be family history coordinator, but no, it is Primary.) My favorite class to teach is Sunbeams. Lots of songs, lots of hand actions, lots of hilarious comments. No bad attitudes.

HAH said... [reply]

Sunbeams a bit squirrely, but generally lots of fun. No filters yet, so they say the funniest things and share tidbits their parents probably wish they wouldn't. Incorporate some activities and songs to help them participate. Depending on when your meetings are, it might be worthwhile to bring some apple slices or string cheese for a snack -- their coping skills deteriorate quite quickly if they are hungry.

Coolmom said... [reply]

He's beginning to look like the rest of us. Yay! So precious. Grand-ma will be there in two months! Hope I can still lift him without help!

emandtrev said... [reply]

Holy mackerel. Could he BE any cuter?!!

You will be awesome with the Sunbeams--I know it. My oldest adored her two sets of teachers (two different wards) and I am positive that the kiddos in your class will love you too. That isn't to say there weren't tears or some "what the?!" moments. I loved when I taught the Valiant girls and could watch the young ones from the back.

Polly said... [reply]

When I was in the hospital post baby and apparently on a lot of drugs I went on a shopping spree on QVC (one of the three channels available). My sister some how came in the middle of it and alerted my husband who hid my credit card for the remainder of our stay. My one and only QVC experience and I was getting random stuff in the mail for weeks I had no memory of- also family and friends received random packages from QVC. Apparently percocet and home shopping is not a great combination for me. And there is my random story of the day.

lifeinthenhs said... [reply]

I haven't even congratulated you yet, but wow he is just adorable!!

I can't see how any 3 year olds will be any kind of problem!

something new starting in the uk tomorrow, period drama (1930's if that can be period in 2011), will let you know if it is worth looking out for!

btw, my darling baby son was just yesterday like yours. Suddenly this week he became 20 years old. How did that happen? Enjoy and make the most of it all!!

Imola said... [reply]

What more could I possibly say than enjoy?

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