My baggage

Say hello, everyone. This is my new suitcase. Only mine is blue. I haven't decided on a name, yet.

I had to put a lot of thought into this, since it involves money. That automatically makes it a life-or-death decision that must be researched fully and experts should be brought in and maybe I'd better just not spend any money at all. I'm the same way when it comes to buying a 50-cent candy bar at the check-out stand. The other reason why it's such a momentous decision is that I'm packing it for England, so there are serious questions to ask here.

1. Will it be big enough for all my stuff?

2. Will it be cool enough for the kind of first impression I want to make over in the Land of Colin Firth?

Although, really, considering what I'll probably look like after 18 hours of travel, this suitcase may be the only halfway presentable thing about me.

One thing I learned during my suitcase searches was this new concept of "expandable" luggage. Now they're making these zippered partitions in your suitcase that magically create 2" of space that you didn't even have before. And when I first heard about it, I thought, "So . . . are they exceeding the airline requirements or something? I mean, how did they get permission for these extra two inches? Won't the people who check your luggage notice that your bag is now too big to be carried on or checked?"

I'm pretty sure that's not how it works, though. It looks like they just make a bag that is within the size requirements, and then create this expansion that makes the bag bigger but keeps it within those parameters. This leaves me to wonder why they couldn't have just built a bigger bag in the first place. Since there's no one to whom I can ask these questions, I had an imaginary conversation on my way back from Costco. Yes, I do that. And no, it's not weird.

Me: So what's the deal with the expandable bags?

Luggage Guy: Well, they're pretty much the best thing in the world, and I'm a genius for thinking of them.

Me: Really.

LG: Oh yes. The traveler can create up to 15% more space in her luggage! It is like magic!

Me: Is this space in addition to what the airlines allow? Would she be sticking it to the Man in any way?

LG: Oh no, this is completely within airline regulations.

Me: Uh huh. So . . . if it's within airline regulation size, couldn't you have just made the bag with more space to begin with?

LG: Well you see, with our magical system, the customer can choose to keep her luggage at the traditional size or she can choose to expand based on her varied travel needs.

Me: But why would anyone choose to have 15% less space in her suitcase?

LG: That's why our system is so great! You can choose to have more!

Me: No, that's why your system is a stupid pile of crap. What woman in this world would deliberately choose to limit her packing capabilities? If you can make the bag bigger, why not just do it instead of making it smaller and then congratulating yourself for giving people space that they should have had in the first place?

LG: But if you take a look at these customer satisfaction polls . . .

Me: You know what? Just shut your smug face up. And go stand in that corner before I slap you.

That's why I went with the Samsonite. I did all the math and the measurements, and it's just as big, if not bigger, than anything those expandable people have to offer. Plus, they didn't try to patronize me. They just made a freaking huge bag. And I bought it.