From my mother

I hesitate to write this, because my mom might read it and think I'm making fun of her. But I'm not, and no one else had better say anything rude or I'll kick them in the head. It's one of those "I can talk about my mom but you can't" things. You understand.

Every time I go home, my sweet mom invariably says something that wins the prize of Comment That Would Completely Destroy My Self-Esteem if I Didn't Already Have an Over-Abundance of That Stuff. She never means it that way, because she's one of the sweetest ladies in the world. This is part of what makes it so funny.

Mom is coming down to visit for the next two weeks. She says it's so that she can attend Education Week here at BYU and then take coolboy up to college in Idaho. Only I think she actually just wants to play with baby Savvy and lounge by the pool. As would you. So when I start posting the winners from the next couple of weeks, you will know what I'm talking about.

To prep you, here is the winner from my most recent trip home.

Mom and I were driving home from the gym (or possibly a bakery) talking about nothing in particular. You should imagine that my mom has a slight Southern accent, because she does.

Mom: "Now [Nemesis], you're probably going to get mad at me for saying this."

Me: "Um, you don't have to say it then."

Mom: "No, you are. You'll probably get mad, and be all GOSH, Mom! but I think it's important to tell you this."

Me: "Okay, seriously. If you think I'll be mad, you're probably right. We can just skip this."

Mom: "Now I've been thinking about this. When you get married, you'll need to start having kids right away, because you won't have a whole lot of time if you want to have more than just a couple."

Stunned, stunned silence . . .

Me, once I could speak again: "Wow, thanks for that. I actually have thought about how my childbearing capability is limited by my age and how I probably won't be able to have the number of children I would like to have, but it's good to know you're thinking about it too."

Mom: "That's not what I meant! You can have as many kids as you want, you'll just need to have them close together, because the older you are, the greater the risk of birth defects."

Me: (I actually don't remember what I said at this point, but it probably went somewhere along the lines of GOSH, Mom! and how maybe she should wait to have this pep talk with the guy I end up marrying, and she can just blame all the Down Syndrome babies on him instead of me.)

Mom: "Fine, fine. I'm just saying. Now you can go tell your sisters that I'm a freakshow and they can all call up and yell at me."

If anyone has any other mommie gems (about their own mothers, not mine, since we've already covered the ground rules on that) feel free to share!


The Craner Family said... [reply]

I can't think of a mommy gem...but how about a grandma one? (Another women relative in our life..) My grandmother is a mean-little-stick-in-the-mud-and-the-sweetest-woman-around-at-the-same-time type. A real passive aggressive person. Anyway...recently I went to her house for a family party and I had just cut my hair. (I was proud of my haircut too! I thought it looked great!)

So my grandmother came to me and said, "Wow...you cut it, didn't you?"
Me: "Yeah!"
Grandma: "Huh"

***5 minutes later to my cousin and obviously making it loud enough for me to overhear.."***

Grandma: "Diana, Don't talk to Hannah about her haircut. She is really embarrassed because it looks so awful."

Thanks Grandma. Your a gem.

Coop said... [reply]

To my wife, the night before our wedding, surprisingly serious: "You're not going to leave my son at the altar, are you?"


The Craner Family said... [reply]

***Just in case my husband meanders his way to this comment I am making...I love my mother in law..k?***

Anyway...I have had PLENTY of comments from my mother in law...

How about the time when Jas and I were engaged and she was telling me how wonderful all Jason's ex-girlfriends were. After every girl's life history she would say. "We sure wished he would have married her...."

Nemesis said... [reply]

Shut your MOUTH, she would actually say that??

I guess you could always respond, "Well, it's probably a good thing he didn't. I hear she's a lesbian now."

Red said... [reply]

I can't think of any gems about MY mother but my to-be mother in law I've got a boat-load!

Coop said... [reply]

Do share, Red.

daltongirl said... [reply]

My grandmother to my unmarried and childless aunt, when she was about thirty-six: Well, guess what's coming right up for you!

Aunt: What?

Grandma: Menopause!

I've always loved that one. As a result, I've been anxiously anticipating menopause for about five years now.

Savvymom said... [reply]

MY mother is perfect. I have no gems on her, and because YOU have now been blacklisted, Nemesis, I'm getting the china. SUCKER.

I will have to think of a really good one about my m in law though... there are a bunch.

Nemesis said... [reply]

I should explain. Spitfire (my other sister) read this post and wrote an enthusiastic email telling me how funny it was and how I hit the nail right on the head when talking about Mom.

But instead of sending the email to me, she accidentally sent it to OUR MOTHER.

Spitfire is dead to me. And now Savvymom is circling the wreckage like a one-woman pack of hyenas, trying to edge me out of my Wedgewood inheritance.Well she's not going to get it!

Streets of Belfast said... [reply]

Well, I of course have had the wonderful experience of having my mother introduce me as one of her (gasp!) single daughters.

And yesterday I went with my mother to her enrichment night activity and she and the other women sat around and discussed how it is a good thing that I'm going to Ireland soon because surely I can find myself a husband over there. (I used to have people say good husband, but now apparently they are merely hoping for a husband) I just stood there smiling hoping that these women could not hear the things running through my mind--we were, after all, in a church building.

One of my winners though is when at a family reunion my grandfather told me, in front of everyone (around 40 relatives), not to worry that I was still single. Instead I should take comfort in the scriptures, particularly the one that talks about the 7 women cleaving to the one man.

Yep, I'm starting to get good at that smiling thing.

Savvymom said... [reply]

Whatever. I posted the TRUE story about the china on MY blog. your inheritance my rear end.

Nemesis said... [reply]

WOW, Belfast. I have no response to that, as I was the one who made the "no bagging on other people's moms" rule.

But that's one enrichment night that could have benefitted from a big ol' smackdown.

I think after you've been in Belfast for about a month you should tell your mom that you've started dating this really great guy who is a member of an IRA splinter group. Maybe then she'll decide that there are worse things than being single.

Streets of Belfast said... [reply]

You have given me a very good idea and I am putting my plan together right now--a plan that includes pictures of me with an appropriately unsuitable match.

DanaLee said... [reply]

My mom likes to tell me about how given my age (30) I will most likely end up with a very nice divorced/widowed man and what a wonderful stepmother I will make. I have also heard her reference my "second husband" meaning she apparently anticipates me divorcing/widowing at some point. Both ideas fill me with all sorts of warm fuzzies, and by warm fuzzies I mean bitter stabs of piercing anger.

FoxyJ said... [reply]

That totally sounds like my mom--we do get along and stuff, but she makes really weird comments sometimes. Like when i was getting ready to leave on my mission she said something like "it used to be that only the fat and weird girls went on missions". Thanks mom. I think she was trying to say that it's cool that it is a little bit more socially acceptable for girls to go now, but it totally came out wrong.

Spitfire said... [reply]

In response to the statement "Spitfire is dead to me. . ."


Mom looked and she didn't even care. And I did write a nice email with a bit of "honest justification" concerning the issue.

Jerilyn said... [reply]

My mom recently said, "I wish I'd been nicer to you when you were younger because I think you would have had more self esteem as an adult."

JB said... [reply]
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
JB said... [reply]

There's nothing wrong with adoption. Just so that gets said.

My dad once referenced my hypothetical future marriage to my current boyfriend as his daughter's "first wedding" or "first marriage" or some such nonesense. Thanks, Dad.

My mom occasionally reminds me that she was on her second marriage and second child by the time she was my age. I either remind her how well that's worked out for her, or else that I'm really trying for one marriage, thankyouverymuch.

Sidenote/tangent: I'm SO glad my family isn't Mormon, if only for all the stupid exile-like things that happen to unmarried folk in the church. 'Cause that's like unto the plague, being single. Ugh.

It's like there's this big "marriage" game and if you can't play, you're not an important part of the society. [frustrated growl]

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