Something to add to your food storage list
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| image from SOS Food Storage |
So today I was in the Relief Society class, minding my own business. For the non-LDS friends out there, that's one class in our block of Sunday meetings that is specifically for the ladies. We have the same lesson the menfolk do in their class, although we have things like pretty centerpieces and object lessons and gentle laughter in ours, whereas the men probably light fires and swap camping stories or whatever it is they do in theirs. The kids are off having their own classes as well. Then we all meet back up for the rest of the services, otherwise the Engaged People and Newlyweds might just spontaniously combust and die from loneliness.
Anyway.
The lesson was about spiritual and temporal preparation, so a big part of the discussion centered around emergency preparedness and food storage and 72-hour-kits and things like that. I heard lots of the usual things, like "Be sure to remember toothbrushes in your emergency storage, because otherwise that's just nasty" and "Turns out flour doesn't keep for as long as I thought it would back in 1989 when I bought 6 tons of it."
Then, at the very end (the teacher was actually going over on time) one woman raised her hand and said that she tried to be careful who she talked about food storage to, because she doesn't want everyone showing up at her house if something happens and everyone on the street knows that her house is the house with food and toothbrushes.
Then the teacher enthusiastically agreed and said that she knows someone who bought a shotgun to store with his food storage, because when hard times come his neighbors will probably try to kill him for it.
And because the class was already going over, and I hate it when things get out late, I couldn't raise my hand and say what I wanted to say, which was:
A) Sister #1, have you not heard the part where sharing with those in need is kind of a thing that we do? Also, it might be nice, rather than keeping food storage a Mormon Secret, to mention what you're doing and offer to show your neighbors the ropes.
B) Sister #2, does your friend by any chance live in Montana?
So I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to be That American from UTAH Who Thinks She Knows Everything, because let's face it, everyone hates those people. I hate those people too. And as a result everyone spent the last 30 seconds of the lesson adding one more item to the list:
"Shotgun for shooting neighbors."
Because hey, that's what you GET for not planning ahead.
I'm Steph, a librarian and mom of 3 (not sure how that happened). Let's chat books, food, Sumptuous Literary Adaptations, poop, knitting and maybe some crazy Mormon Feminism.
18 comments:
Ahhh, wonderful Relief Society! Now can we add the shot gun part to the parable of the ten virgins? Or any other weapon would do...
"And it came to pass that the five foolish virgins did get shot in the heads with the shot guns of the five wise virgins, which shot guns they did purchase in the event that other virgins would be inclined to borrow their oil."
Isn't it grand that we, as LDS women, can display our kindness, charity, and Christ-like outlook?
Also, is there something about Relief Society meetings around the world that dictates that they must run long?
I am just waiting for this lesson to be taught in our R.S. Guns will likely figure largely in it. And I will try to not be cheeky when making a comment similar to Cicada's, but it won't matter. Because I'm just cheeky in a devil-may-care sort of way. I can hardly wait.
I'm adding a pistol. I've tried out a shotgun, damn near took my shoulder off...OUCH!
Maybe a good follow-up lesson for that one would be 1 Kings 17:8-16 - the story about the widow who gave her last meal and oil to Elijah. A pistol may come in handy one day, but a little faith also goes a long way.
Remember our neighbor, Nem? The one across the street who had the arsenal in his basement? And the RV with the water storage jugs tied all over it? We called it The Ark. Maybe that wasn't very nice, and maybe I should have been better about attending his "Stop the U.N. Conspiracy" Meetings.
We all have regrets in life . . .
Gosh. I never even realized that's why my family has all those guns. I always thought it was so if we ran out of food, we could go shoot a deer. Or a cow. I didn't know they were for shooting the neighbors. I guess if you're hungry enough, anyone tastes good.
The men don't light fires and swap camping stories. Instead, we don't read the lesson beforehand because that's what the instructor will do for the lesson, and we wouldn't want to steal his thunder. We also don't make comments. Well, I guess that's not totally true. We'll make a comment if we can begin it with On My Mission . . . We will also comment if we can lead the discussion into the deep mysteries of the gospel. This must be done by beginning with some bit of obscure doctrine first promulgated by Brigham Young (but not traceable to any known documentation).
In response to Divine, Relief Society meetings must run long to compensate for EQ meetings that generally run short. (If an EQ meeting runs long, it's because someone came up with a really good BY quote.)
Ok--so I immediately thought of my dad. He has several guns, and we have joked many times about how he's going to run off the neighbors when they come bolting through the door (although he is quite serious about it). We have tons of food in the basement and we know for a fact that, even though we have been warned and admonished many times, these people don't have much food storage. But they do have boats and four-wheelers and go on vacations, etc. It's all about priorities people!!! Some people seriously think it will be like the law of consecration but have done nothing to contribute to the pot. They think they can let others do it while they spend their money on material things.
So, even though we should be charitable, we also need to protect our family. My dad takes that very seriously.
On a brighter note--hope you had a great T-giving. I spent mine in the lovely Las Vegas and am now recovering from a vicious cold.
Savvymom, I wish you were there. Partly because it would have been fun seeing you get wound up, but also because I miss you.
Cici--wait, you mean your translation doesn't say that??
Welcome, DMA! I'm so happy to see you! And yes, I think the problem is that girls are too nice to just tell each other to shut up when the little hand gets to the 6 or whatever.
Texmom, I'm so happy to hear from you too! Where did your blog go?
Now I see why they called you to be the seminary teacher, Chosh. Well said.
Hee hee. Daltongirl, I wondered for a sec if the teacher's friend was our old neighbor. That would've been awesome.
Yeah Brozy, you'd best watch your back the next time you're home. I'm just saying . . .
EKB, thanks for clearing all of that up! I have long suspected such things.
Kristen, I'm sorry you caught a vicious cold in the fleshpots of Las Vegas. And I promise I will never ask your dad for food. ;-)
My parents have a neighbor who has a gun to specifically protect his horde of food storage. This is the same man who predicted years ago that the avian flu was what was going to kill us all.
My friends call my dad The Boy Scout, because he's always "preparing". Funny how people think of toothbrushes and guns before toilets. My dad has these portable toilets that come with disposable plastic baggies...needless to say, everyone in my family and in my parents' ward know where to go when the great epidemic strikes our country. And luckily, my dad's willing to share.
You don't have to be so blantantly violent about it. Just make sure you label your arsenic-laced food and drink products very carefully.
They should say:
POISON (striked out in red marker)
and then underneath that (in red marker):
Food [or drink] for Friends
People will either get the picture or take their chances, but it insures that your family will survive.
Not if the bishop gets offed off first. I think we'll share everything also, but I think there's a chance that there will be a period of time -3 months or so- where we won't be able to leave our homes.
But maybe not. Who knows.
Consecrate?
Does that mean I don't have to maintain my OWN food storage, because the church will just divvy out what's left out there?
Cool!
SUCKERS!...
no freaking way! That is incredible. Wow...something from the Brits I'd never expect.
p.s. anything to keep RS from not running over!
Meta--your father is a wise one. I never even though of toilets.
POM--I will be sure to ask for the report once you become a man, my friend. ;-)
JB, as always, I like the way you think.
Mom, I think you just made Stupid Ramblings' day!
Panini--no kidding. Turns out you'd better watch out over here. If someone checks you scoping out their food storage then that is IT.
So, I'm getting ready for the third funeral in two weeks - then I stumble here this morning only to find out my husband may just get "offed" at the next natural disaster!
Must beg husband to delegate to resident "Food Storage Nazi", the one who has metal bars on her food storage room.
Thanks for the laugh. . . now I must go check on my funeral potatoes
Do you ever, you know, stop for a minute and think "Gosh, I'm part of a reaaaally weird religion"? Just wondering.
That is hilarious!
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