See these stairs? They're going to feature in this story.

You know how I've been using that Soft Touch body butter from Lush? Last night I completed my nightly ritual of buttering up my hands. Now that I'm getting to bed at (mostly) decent hours I can actually have things like nightly rituals. I had to crack down after one too many mornings of waking up with all my lights on, wondering why I'm still wearing shoes.

So I got my hands all greased up and then noticed that the soles of my feet could use some attention--like they're so dry that they might just crack open at any second. So I figured that if it'll work on my hands then it couldn't hurt my feet. And I woke up this morning with soft, sweet-smelling hands and feet. I considered dancing around the house singing about how lovely I felt, but then I remembered that I didn't put anything magical on my teeth last night. It would kind of spoil the "I Feel Pretty" musical number if all the houseplants turned brown and died from my morning breath.

Only, people, it turns out that you don't want soft feet. Soft feet don't grip.

I learned this when I took one step down the stairs and felt my soft pretty foot slide right out from under me. I slid down the entire staircase on my butt (or, to be specific, my left butt) and could not use my soft soft feet to stop myself. As I slid, I prayed that I would not break a leg or crack a rib (my prayer sounded like this: "Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!!!"). When I finally came to a stop at the bottom and ascertained that I was in fact still in one functioning piece, I gave thanks for (1) carpeting, and (2) the extra padding I gained during the holidays. Then I put Neosporin on all the raw spots, hoping to encourage skin regeneration.

Stupid staircase.


TannerJ5 said... [reply]

Did you do something evil to the staircase, Maybe it's revenge. You should take that "I fell pretty dance" to disney. They'd probably make another mary poppins obsesed with beauty and four billion songs lasting four hours each, And no dialogue. Nice prayer by the way.

The Walrus said... [reply]

I hope your left butt is ok. Last time I put something like that on my feet I decided to hold the handrail while going down.




Savvymom said... [reply]

There was a period in my life where I think I was falling down the stairs like once a day. Maybe it was becuase my feet were too soft....

Kelly said... [reply]

Thank you! You just confirmed that I'm not a complete doof. You maybe have read that I keep falling down my stairs. Well I lotion up my feet every single day and they're always slick. Hope your bruises heal quickly!

Cicada said... [reply]

The Walrus,
But she had slick hands, too, so that wouldn't have helped her.

I fell down the stairs at school once, travelling down the whole staircase on my knees. Once I got to the bottom and started laughing (it was laugh or cry, laugh or cry) a girl looked at me and commented to her friend,"I hate stupid people." So at least you're stupid too, now, for falling down the stairs.

redlaw said... [reply]

I would have sucker-punched that girl - all the while, still laughing....but that's just me.

Miss Hass said... [reply]

Thanks for making me laugh to myself like a crazy lady in the computer lab. That totally makes my day! Especially since one of my students is in here.

Also, I hope that your left butt heals quickly. Nothing like a chafed bum to make going to school unbearable.

daltongirl said... [reply]

I fell pretty!


And you should probably sue someone.

It could have been worse. Exhusband's brother went out with this really classy girl one time who fell down the stairs in a mini skirt. That's when everyone discovered she wasn't wearing any underwear. So she got up, announced to the watching crowd, "You've seen my crotch, now have a nice life," and walked away. Exhusband and his brother think this is the funniest story they have ever heard/told. Perhaps if I had known this BEFORE I married Exhusband, I would have seen the red flag a little more clearly.

Limon said... [reply]

I have distict memories of tumbling down the stairs as a child. A lot. Maybe I was just really top heavy. Not anymore.

April said... [reply]


Beauty = pain.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Hee. Tanner, I'm still giggling over the "I Fell Pretty" song.

John, don't you forget that I CAN GET TO ABERYSTWYTH!!! Also, I tried to grab the handrail. It didn't work.

Savvymom, I'm sure that was it.

Thanks, Kelly! I have a doozy of a bruise on my thigh today--it kind of looks like somebody went after me with a baseball bat. But I'm sure it's nothing that a night of cheese, Southern food, and sushi at your place couldn't cure! ;-)

Cici, good call on the hands. And no worries, that girl probably ended up dropping out.

Redlaw, it's too bad we weren't there when Cicada fell. We could've tag-teamed that girl. You couldn've punched her while I said mean things about her.

Seriously, Hass! I'm glad I made you laugh, though.

Your ex IS stupid, Daltongirl. It sure is a good thing you divorced him so you could eventually marry TSMITW.

Are you pear-shaped now, Limon? (pause) Bwah hah haahahahah! Okay, sorry.

Anything to make you laugh, April. I'll go head-first next time, ok? :-)

banana said... [reply]

So - I didn't tell you sooner as my pride was hurt but seeing as we're telling painful stories ...

Do you remember when I came over to your's last week - well...

I parked my car on the kerb and presently forgot so that when I got out of the car and started walking I found myself flying through the air and landing face first in the road! Good job it was dark and there were no cars coming!!!!!

Hence me taking so long in the bathroom when I came in - I was cleaning up my knees! Still got the scabs!

So you're definately not the only one!!!

Nemesis said... [reply]

Oh sweetie Banana, I'm so sorry! Stupid curb. And you were wearing such a pretty skirt that night!

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