Yeah, no thanks

I've asked a for book called No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for your Blog for Christmas. I'm pretty sure it could change my life forever and take me to new blogging heights. But until I get the real one, here's idea #32:

“What are your relationship deal breakers? Some folks are annoyed if a date shows up ten minutes late. Others look for something weightier, like a felony record. Have you ever rejected someone over something that seems insignificant to your friends? Or do you have selective blindness for red flags?”

I've thought about this, and some things that I used to think were really important back when I was 19 and expecting to get married at, like, any second, aren't so important now. Or, to hear my Mom tell it, I've lowered my standards.

I don't think I've ever rejected anyone over insignificant things before. Having a Fu Manchu is very, very significant thing. Everyone knows this. And I still went out with him once. If anything, I hang on to relationships way, way longer than I should.

Here is the list I've finally come up with. It is by no means the absolute final list. And it kind of goes without saying that he needs to be a good Mormon boy, first of all. Might as well be honest here.

1. Anger management issues--I really hate yelling. If some guy were to yell at me or become abusive I think I would ask my dad to get out his purely decorative Franklin Mint hunting knives and kill him. Or at least carve him up real bad to teach him a lesson about Why We Control Our Tempers.

2. Reckless driving--you know how I feel about that. No way am I strapping my babies into that car.

3. Rudeness--whether to me or my family or pretty much anyone.

4. Thinking that it's okay to miss church to watch football. Trust me, it isn't. Also, football? If you're going to miss church, miss it for something good.

5. Not liking dogs--yes, I have decided, and it's a deal-breaker. We don't necessarily have to own a dog, but he still has to like them. Unless maybe he was mauled by a dog as a small boy and therefore has a phobia. That wouldn't be his fault.

6. Telling jokes that bash women, people of color, the elderly, starving Ethiopians, or homosexuals.

7. Not wanting kids

8. Pronouncing it lie-berry. I'm sorry, I just can't.

I'd love to hear yours, just in cased I've missed any important ones!


Sarah said... [reply]



1. Dead fish handshake. I was a missionary and can shake hands like a pro, if his handshake is more feminine than mine, it may as well be a handshake goodbye.

2. Has to tolerate my cat. Not necessarily love her, but not wince when she walks in the room.

3. Has to think I'm funny. I don't know why any guy would be interested who DOESNT think Im funny, because then I would just be annoying, but some of them just don't get my sarcasm, wit, dry humor, corny puns, you name it.

4. Ditto on the rudeness, anger management, road rage, etc.

5. Has to have a vocabulary comparable to my own.

stupidramblings said... [reply]

Was the canophobia comment directed at me?

amyjane said... [reply]

Oh. My. Gosh. How could I have forgotten the Fu Manchu?!?!? Ah, the memories....

abby said... [reply]

Mine are:

1) If he asks you out on a date he must pay for the date unless it is a clear "This is not a date" date. This makes me very peeved.

2) Must open doors or at least attempt chivalry in some way.

3)Don't have me plan the date and get people for your friends to date. I plan stuff for me all the time. I don't want to worry about throwing a group date together for a guy who asked me out.

4) Doesn't make me laugh. It's not a first date deal breaker for me since I know we can all get nervous on the first date. However, I love a good sense of humor. It's actually rare I can find a guy who makes me laugh consistently. When I do find them, I date them for awhile. I don't want to provide the comedy enjoyment in my family all the time.

5) Doesn't have a work ethic. I realized this when I dated someone who was unemployed and had no motivation to look for a job.

6) Doesn't have an intelligent conversation with me. I'm intellectual and I enjoy using my mind.

7) Cracks librarian jokes or makes fun of my home state. I love where I'm from and my profession so a guy shouldn't make me want to slug him for his discourtesy.

Anonymous said... [reply]

Ramblings...did you mean cynophobia - an abnormal fear of dogs?

The Craner Family said... [reply]

If I were still looking...here would be mine:

1. Gets together regularly with guy friends to shoot each other while playing xbox.

2. Is afraid of laundry or diapers.

3. Talks about himself...like all the time...and forgets my name...even though we have been dating for over a year...and gives me a guilt trip when I try to break up with him...so I dont...and forces me to move far away to get away from him. (Not saying that it happened, but if it did, I would totally take that as a red flag...)

4. Exercises his "priesthood authority" to give me weekly interviews to see if I am still worthy of him. (Wow. I actually went out with one of those.)

The McCulloch Family said... [reply]

Burping and not excusing himself. Forcing out burps or farts.

A loogie hocker. You know what I mean? When people spend like 5-10 minutes each morning in intentionall trying to hack up stuff? Ed's roomate did this. It was so repulsive.

People with reptiles.

Sloobery kissers. Yuck.

Someone who wants to own videogames.

Scully said... [reply]

I have to second all yours, Nemesis and add: If he thinks Bill O'Reilly is the voice of reason. Seriously, if a guy is a fan of Bill O'Reilly, there is no way we would ever work. Also, if the guy doesn't have a sense of humour about himself, there is no way it would ever work. And one last one - if he never uses adverbs properly. Ex: Says over the pulpit "I felt the Spirit so strong on my mission." Because any conversation would entail me loudly correcting his grammar.lpxao

kristen said... [reply]

1) weak/wimpy/nonassertive; can't take initiative or is a doormat

2) no sense of humor or sarcasm

3) no ambition or drive

4) fiscally irresponsible

5) no book smarts nor street smarts

6) does not appreciate Adam Sandler or Jim Carrey movies (however, some I can do without)

7) a liberal

Scully, you can send any Bill O'Reilly fans my way; that is right up my alley.

Jimmy said... [reply]

Hmm, I don't know if I've lowered my standards, or have just become extremely tolerant. I simply avoid control freaks.
It's easier than it might seem, because they can't hide it, and it usually comes out in the first 15 minutes.
Other than that, I tend to avoid women with Fu Manchus.

You write a good blog. Do you work on a computer in the liberry?


Miss Hass said... [reply]

I totally own that book. It's awesome.

Deal breakers:

1) pedophile or stalker or any combination of the two.

2) not funny

3) not nice

4) not a fan of church

Really, I think it's a pretty short list and not altogether unreasonable.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Hannah Craner, you have to be lying about #4. Seriously. That is insane.

Also, Abby, good call on the work ethic. He doesn't have to rich, but being willing to work & take responsibility is very, very necessary.

Hass, you shame me with your list. It's a very good one. So in the sake of non-shallowness, I will remove one item from mine. If he speaks English as a second language (and his first language is something hot like French) then it's okay if he pronounces is lieberry.

Jimmy, thanks for chiming in! I was wondering if we were going to hear anything from the menfolk.

Mary said... [reply]

dude, this is brilliant. do you mind if i shamelessly steal this idea and post my own version?

Nemesis said... [reply]

Sure thing, Mary. I got it from a book anyway!

Chantel said... [reply]

I've never had a BF yet (and am avoiding them, well, at least not trying to get one at all-I wanna go to university!), but I have some ideas, though they could be very idealistic or naive:
-Has to like reading
-We have to be able to talk. Like, real talk about intelligent and important things. (I think this is very important--communication is the basis of a relationship.)
-Has a strong Reformed faith.
-Is polite and chivalrous.
-Does not make fun of my love/obsession for Jane Austen and classic literature and period dramas etc. Hopefully he'll watch these with me.
-Does not need a TV, b/c I am not letting one in my house, especially with children around. DVD, ok, but when they're older, or else very, very limited number of movies watched.
-Must not give corny and tacky presents like teddy bears or the like. Is original in giving flowers--seriously, roses are boring and take hardly any thought! Of course, sunflowers or a friendship flower is not acceptable either.
-Will go to Europe for honeymoon (i.e. England!!!:), Paris, Venice, St. Petersburg, Prague--one or a combination of these)
-Is smarter than me!!! I do NOT want to be the brains in the family. I want HIM to be the leader, like guys are supposed to be.

There's probably more (I know, very picky!!), but that's all I can think of. Maybe it is unrealistic, but that's what I'm waiting for--"Holding Out for a Hero" as that one song goes, though apparently you can take that another way. I do want my BF/husband (if I get one) to be sorta cultured, cosmopolitan.
But--dreams, dreams

Chantel said... [reply]

Well, modify the above. Red roses are boring--romantic, perhaps, but something like those old-fashioned, full pink garden roses would be beautiful, romantic, sweet and thoughtful!

Nemesis said... [reply]

Chantel, you are right to stick to your guns on the Jane Austen front. Never pin your hopes on a man who won't watch P&P with you--I learned that one the hard way! :-)

April said... [reply]

That dead-fish handshake one is perfect. I hate that so much!!

Also, if all he talks about are stories from high school. Or if most of his stories begin with, "One time when I was drunk..."

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