Let's hope I can hold out a bit longer

Yesterday I got in touch with my friend Jaime after much too much phone tag. The conversation turned to dating and dating websites. She actually met her husband through LDSPlanet.com after her family badgered her into giving it a try. She agreed to give it one month and by the end of the month she had met someone.

Anyway, she was saying that she was glad it worked out for her because with her life/work/living situation, she just wasn't meeting people she could date. However, she says that she still doesn't think she could wholeheartedly recommend the online dating thing to people, because, in her words, there are a lot of freaks on there. And if you're not savvy you could put yourself in some bad situations.

I've had a few encounters already with the kind of guys who hang out on these sites. In fact, last year I got an email through LDSLinkup from someone who, at first glance, I took to be an old bishop of mine. (Not that bishops are on there to pick up on young girls, because they're not. I hope. But sometimes they get on just to keep in touch with the members of the ward.) Anyway, he was not my old bishop. He was a 50-yr-old man in Washington. And he thought I could be his soul mate.

I was so annoyed that I actually did write him back to say that while I was flattered, the age difference of 25 years made us unlikely to be compatible and that I wished him luck as he searches for a more age-appropriate companion. Well. That put him in a right snit and he emailed back this long, rambling thing about how true love knows no age and I'm so judgmental and I've probably missed out on what could have been the greatest thing ever. Yeah, because in my head, "the greatest thing ever" translates to "changing my husband's and children's diapers at the same time."

Anyway. After hanging up with the lovely Jaime I got on the LDSPlanet site to take a look around. Fifteen minutes later I was still sitting there with a dropped jaw and sure-to-be-permanent eyebrow furrows. She wasn't kidding when she mentioned the freaks. Also, the site itself is just kind of clunky and basic and amateur-looking. The search features are really lame and don't let you do any kind of keyword search of people's profiles. So if I wanted to look for someone who mentions travel in his profile then I'm out of luck. Also if I wanted to weed out all profiles with the words "hook up," or "truck." Or if I wanted to avoid the profiles where the young (or not-so) men choose the "stunningly good-looking" option to describe themselves.

I don't know if this is the cool new thing in online dating, but I noticed a lot of pics like this one, taken while the subject is lying shirtless in bed. What exactly is that about? Are they already trying to fan the flames of my desire or something? Is that the setting in which they plan for us to spend a lot of our getting-to-know-you time? Do they think that women find anything remotely attractive about the male armpit? Because believe me, we don't.

There are also the shirtless-while-posing with ex in hot tub shots. What is that meant to convey, exactly? (Hey, this chick was willing to get in a hot tub with me. You should want to, too.) This gentleman also included pictures of his car, his friend's cars, and the hotel bathroom from his latest trip the Vegas. Don't ask me what that's about.

This one, though, this one was my favorite:

There are just no words.


suzie2 said... [reply]

Oh my.

lilcis said... [reply]

ew! ew! ew! ew! ew!

Sherry said... [reply]

This whole things makes me hope that maybe, just maybe, some of these people's profiles were put there by friends of the people, and not by the people themselves. Maybe as a joke, or something. Hopefully.

kristen said... [reply]

Oh. My. Gosh. I'm laughing my tail off. That last one was too much. Sign me up baby!

This is one of the MANY reasons I have not succumbed to this yet. I too am holding out.

MBC said... [reply]

It took me about two seconds of working at a library reference desk to realize that at least half of all online daters (the ones printing out profiles in my library) were not meant to reproduce and should all be kept together, away from society, in a special home.

Azúcar said... [reply]

I just...uh

I can't...

For the love, people! For the love!

Miss Hass said... [reply]

That's it. I'm done.

Kristeee said... [reply]

Hehe. My mom met her husband online, after much coercion by her coworkers to try it. She's happy as a clam and just had her one year anniversary. She says that LDS Planet's full of weirdos, LDS Mingle's a bit better, but that LDS Singles was the best place she found and felt comfortable on.

I actually met a couple of really cool people online, one of whom I would've dated . . . except our plans fell through one weekend and I had already started dating my husband and decided to pursue him instead. Of course, I also had the most boring date ever with a guy I met online, so I guess (as in all things), you win some & you lose some.

Jenny said... [reply]

Wow. Savvy just walked into the room while I was looking at the last picture and said 'what just happened?' Seriously.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Jen, please tell her that what happened had absolutely nothing to do with her Auntie Nem, okay?

Liz Johnson said... [reply]

This entry should be called "I weep for the world sometimes: Part Deux." Seriously. I feel like I need to take a shower after that last one.

Squirrel Boy said... [reply]

Oh, sweet mercy.

amyjane said... [reply]

Oh my gosh. I have to echo the ew! ew! ew! ew! What exactly is the message there? "I'm so hot my pants just FALL off of me?" Ew!

Jér said... [reply]

Wow. I thought it was just gay guys who are complete freaks online. You live and learn, I guess.

Kelly said... [reply]

Are you kidding me?! I've seen the shirtless on match.com and such, but I thought the Mormon boys had more class - or at least more modesty. My mistake.

Science Teacher Mommy said... [reply]

Oh, there are words, but your blog is rated G.

Edgy said... [reply]

Wow. I mean . . .

Well. I don't know. I'm going to have to echo Jér's comment on this one.

And, well, I think I'm rather disappointed at the display of garments in the last pic. Or maybe disgusted.

John Dent said... [reply]

That is too funny to be a real profile.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Edgy, are we sure that's what he's showing? I mean, you would know better than I would, but I'm really really really hoping that's not the case.

DanaLee said... [reply]

And that my dear friend is why I am happily single. I don't care how large his bank account is, I am glad to stay single if those are my available options. I mention the bank account because seriously, money is about the only thing that could entice me to consider a freak.

Natalie said... [reply]

I had the same thought as edgy - they look like the real thing to me.

This whole thing has put the ickometer over the top!

chosha said... [reply]

I'm glad to see that that last chappie strategically hid his nipples. Wouldn't want us all swooning at our desks. (/sarcasm)

Funny how 'true love knows no age' always seems to equal 'I'm an older guy looking for a much younger girl.'

Anonymous said... [reply]

>Oh, there are words, but your blog is rated G.

I'd like to echo that.

As for ... what HE is wearing, no way to tell. (Having worn both at different times in my life.)

Also, I think those blue ovals should be a LOT larger. ;)

Eva said... [reply]

hahahaha! oh wow, I want to see the last one's face! did he have a super lame badass pout?

Lippy said... [reply]

Hmm, ya might have to give that last guy another look, huh? The hairstyle looks vaguely like a cross between PeeWee Herman and Buster Poindexter.

But just imagine the one who finds him to be the man of her dreams. Oh yay.

Natalie said... [reply]

I went to the site, but I cannot browse unless I sign up. And, as I am already maried, that could get awkward. I did see the following success story...

"After a couple months of searching...my search is over! I have found my Heavenly Partner...we will be married on Valintines day, in the great state of Texas! I wish you all the same, that you find happiness like I have found! Good luck! Larry. Grand Junction,CO"

A wedding on Valintines (en! en!) day in Texas! To his Heavenly Partner (Maybe that should be Pardner. They are getting married in Texas)! Good luck to YOU Larry. And to her.

Anonymous said... [reply]

I am so proud to call you daughter. That sense of humor will get you through just about anything. Like that last picture. I was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and now I'm cleaning it off my screen. Thanks.

RC Cola! said... [reply]

He might very well be gay -there are plenty of gay Mormon guys out there. Just because he's on a dating site targeted towards heterosexuals doesn't mean he's straight. Although I bet he's more attracted to his own body rather than being attracted to anyone else's. (Obviously, I'm talking about the last guy.)

The worst part about online dating: a lot of the guys on there are just out to find a quick cyber sex experience. I found that out the hard way when suddenly out of nowhere some guy I was IMing whipped out the filth. (We had chatted for only a few minutes, and suddenly he said something extremely dirrrty.) After I turned his offer down and informed him he was a total perv, I realized sadly, that there must be a lot of girls on there who are willing to comply. A guy doesn't go ahead and do something like that unless it's worked out well for him in the past.

It's a scary world, online dating.

The Divine Miss A said... [reply]

Every time I almost get to the point that I'm willing to sign on to one of those things. I get a dose of reality.

Thanks for the pics.

lilcis said... [reply]

I once went out with a guy who I had met online that was convinced he had psychic abilities. I swear. I think he may have been from L***n, actually. I remember him making a big deal about driving all the way to Provo to take me out.

ed said... [reply]

Those guys definitely didn't go to the same girl school I went to.

Anonymous said... [reply]

Those aren't necessarily g's in the last picture.... could totally be tighty whiteys instead (but what was that about avoiding even the appearance of evil??)

Edgy said... [reply]

My argument for garments:

A) Anymore, nearly all tighty-whities have the name of the brand on the waist band. Companies realize that everyone is showing off their underwear online, and they want to make sure they take advantage of the free advertising.

B) More of a technicality, but the band that dips down into the zipper is a little too far to the left to be standard tighty-whities but it is in roughly the right place for garments.

C) Assuming his heterosexuality, there is a very good chance that he doesn't have tighty-whities; I remember a good portion of my friends not having some, and if they did, they were typically a different cut because of how garments support versus the tighty-whities. (TMI, I know.)

D) I'm certain this is the conversation he had in his head when he decided to take the picture and subsequently post it: "Ooh. If I wear my garment bottoms, I can show that I have a sexy body and I'm temple worthy. This will be a winning photo for the LDS babes out there."

Anonymous said... [reply]

My argument for it NOT being garments:

- who wears bottoms but no tops? that's just weird! The contrast between the undone shirt and the chest etc. without garments is too strange. "My chest is so hot I can't wear my top garment" probably wouldn't fly in the next interview.

- the seam may be in a weird place, but the point is that lots of male undies (boxers and briefs) have wide white waistbands. The trend of putting the maker's name in the waist band is relatively new (except for Jockey and Calvin Klein, who have been doing it for yonks).

- I don't actually think that's a picture posed just for the site. I think the guy's a model (or he stole someone else's picture) because the quality of the photograph is pretty high. In fact it looks a lot like one of the stock images from Getty Images or the like.

Laura said... [reply]

I kind of want to dress up as the guy in the bottom picture for Halloween. (I'd have a shirt on underneath of course, and no g's on display.) Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that my head would collapse if I were to use that much gel on my hair.

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