For the past few days I've been interviewing hopefuls for a part-time position here at the library. The thing that makes this hard is that pretty much everyone is wonderful. I want them all to work here. Some of them I actually want to take home and feed and then we could stay up late braiding each other's hair and talking about Regency Men. That's how much I like them.

So when I have to start calling people and telling them they weren't picked it's going to feel a tiny bit like breaking up. Will have to stop myself from pleading, "But we can still be friends, right?" Because I do understand that you can't always be friends after a breakup. Not everyone I've dated has understood that. One guy I dated prided himself on always remaining friends with women he'd broken up with. This was new to me. And of course, because I am an obstinate cuss, I considered not being friends afterward on purpose just to prove a point. And to break his record. Because I'm mature like that.

But seriously. Sometimes it's just not a good idea to remain in contact, especially if there's a risk that one person is hoping you'll get back together. Or if one of you is a possessive freak who climbs trees outside your ex's window to watch them while they sleep. Or if you were engaged and one of you backed out the morning of the wedding. Because trust me--you're probably never going to be able to joke about that one later. "Hey, remember when you had to take back your wedding dress and go on all those anti-depressants and all your cousins called you Miss Havisham behind your back?"

Yeah. Not so much.


j said... [reply]

In general, I would say that most guys, especially if you break up with them, don't want to be friends, at least not for a long time.

Girls, if you break up with a guy and give him that kick-in-the-junk "I just want to be friends" line, and he actually seems like he does want to be friends, I would say there's a 99% chance that he's hoping that he can pretend to just be friends, all the while scheming of ways to win you back.

So if you really are sure you don't want to be involved romantically with us, then don't try to be our friends.

Desmama said... [reply]

Oh that last paragraph bit--especially the Miss Havisham part--had me in stitches. You're a card.

Anonymous said... [reply]

Yeah I'm I got dumped before my wedding and he asked if we could still be friends...what a joke...sure you just stomped on my heart lets be pals

Frey said... [reply]

That guy is quite the humanitarian. He always stays friends so he can be there for chatting, hanging out, and making sure she doesn't forget she isn't good enough for him.

If he said "I always stay friends with benefits" then I might be a little suspect.

Anonymous said... [reply]

I learned from my first relationship that you can't stay friends after an heavy emotional investment. I'm not in close contact with my second relationship but we've used each other to help with work related stuff. I know if I need him, he is there. I am in contact with his family and have remained there friend. After a few years, we were able to handle being in the same room without it being all awkward (of course his wife was there the whole time). I know it's good for me to let things go distant for awhile before I can be friends again. I had to train myself to know that it will never be the same and we could never be so close.

It must be hard to tell people they didn't get the job, but that's part of the job world. In my organization, we just have HR do the dirty work for us.

chosha said... [reply]

For the ones you liked but can't hire, you could soften the blow by saying something like, 'you weren't successful this time, but if the library should advertise in the future, we'd welcome another application.' At least they know then that the application and interview generally went well.

I can be friends with ex-boyfriends, but there has to be a bit of a gap at first, some time and space to make the transition in. Without that I get tend to have irrational jealous moments, because my head is still in girlfriend mode but his affections are elsewhere (as they should be).

coolmom said... [reply]

Why are you calling people? Can't you just send a form letter? It's much easier that way.

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