So THIS is where you've all been hanging out

Today I got to experience the mind-numbing pile of suckage that is Changing Your Name and Completely Undermining Your Hard-Earned Identity Just to Appease The Patriarchy. Even if I'd been waiting my whole life to change my name (like, say, if my last name were Balls (true story)), I would have maybe reconsidered if I'd known about what awaited at the Social Security Administration office. And the Division of Motor Vehicles. And the Driver's Licensing office, which is where the DMW people sent me after laughing and spitting in my face for turning up at the wrong place.

I would have stuck with Balls.

As it is, the hard part is over. But as I sat in line for a grand total of 3 hours with no book or reading material, I had an interesting time people-watching. Turns out that I don't meet everyone. I generally meet the people who

a) go to church
b) go to the library
c) shop in the same places I shop--like farmers markets and Aga showrooms (speaking of, you HAVE to watch some of Catherine Tate's Aga Saga Woman sketches)

So there are entire groups of people I don't usually come across, until they come out in droves for things like county fairs and suddenly it's like, "Wait, there are people in Utah with tattoos? And who are from other countries? Huh."

Except it turns out that pretty much everyone has to go to the DMV. So that's where you see what an actual cross-segment of the population looks like. I learned that there are a lot of people out there who want us to see their nekkid bellies. Especially if their bellies are really, really fat. That's what I'm taking away from the experience.

But it's done now, I have a new driver's license with an awful shiny-foreheaded photo attached, and I'm now Mrs. [Friend] to the guvment. Have decided though that GF gets to have his name changed too, because I shouldn't get all the fun. Considering sticking with Rocky Racoon (and believe me, that was a loong .000003 seconds) and also considered Danalee's suggestion of Gentleman LOVAH, which was very good. Finally decided to just be scarily creative and go with Gentleman Husband (GH for short).

I know. With an imagination this good I'll be writing sparkly vampire sex stories and making millions by the year's end.


Mrs. Hass-Bark said... [reply]

I knew there was a reason I was procrastinating this...

jeri said... [reply]

I believe the word you were looking for was "dazzling", not sparkly. ;) At least the worst is over.

Laura said... [reply]

And hooray for leaving GF behind--I'd always read it once, then read it again, and think, huh, girlfriend. And I thought she was into boys. Then I'd read it a THIRD time and would finally remember what it stood for.

So my poor fragile brain (fragile from reading too many sparkly vampire stories) thanks you.

Science Teacher Mommy said... [reply]

Do people at the DMV think that the photo will be a full-body shot, hence the bare tummies? You know, so when they get pulled over they can flash their tatooed cleavage at the officer and say in sultry voice, "Here's my ID," and then get off without a ticket?

Just wonderin'.

BEFore said... [reply]

You think the DMV is fun, head over to the county/state fair for a show within a show! :P

Suzie1 said... [reply]

My last name not being Balls, I have no intention of changing my name if/when I get married. Feminism, no. Laziness and a profound hatred for the general public and government bureaucracy, yes.

Kelly said... [reply]

This is one of the reasons I kept my name. I mean, I'm Sister W at church, which is fine, but I figure anyone I've worked with or known in the last 31 years knows me as Kelly M. 31 years is a long time to then just willy-nilly turn around and take someone else's name. Plus I like my name as a whole. It's a nice package.

I get a great cross-section of humanity on the Providence bus. There are a lot of, um, colorful people in Rhode Island. Who also like to show their bellies. And start fights.

lilcis said... [reply]

I didn't change my name either. Part of it was laziness, part of it was because I love my Italian name and don't really want to give it up, but it's way too long to hyphenate. I was undecided for a while, but then had to hurry and get a passport for our Fiji trip last year. So I let that make decision for me and kept my name. If we have kids I may consider changing it. At church I go by my husband's last name, I think it would freak people out if I didn't. One of my sister-in-laws thinks I'm evil for not changing my name, and for not wanting kids. Hello! I was 29 when I got married and in the middle of grad school! And we live in the third most expensive city in the US, where it takes two incomes just to survive. Making the decision to have kids at this point in my life is not as easy as it would have been when I was 23 and fresh out of college! I would like to have kids, I just haven't figured out how we're going to work it. And I'm still finishing my MBA, so I figure I've got time to decide.

jaime said... [reply]

Okay, I can very much relate to your experience in changing your name. I hated EVERY minute of it, and it takes FOREVER to get everything changed to your new name. It's not fair that the guys don't have to experience this too. In fact, I think there are still a few things that I never did change my name on...like the title on my car, the name on my mortgage, etc. Those things just got way too complicated. Too much red tape. If I am being honest, I think I even went through a little bit of an identity crisis after I got married because I didn't really feel like either name was right anymore. Weird, huh? Anyway, I can relate.

Also, I really like your pick of the name Gentleman Husband (GH). It works! :)

chosha said... [reply]

What you should be writing is chick lit and quickly, before any smugness can creep in. ;)

Still haven't read that fourth and final yet. Thanks to the editorial review on Amazon, which not only panned it but couldn't have given more spoilers had it listed them in bullet form, I don't even have to wonder what happens. I'll get to someday, just for the closure.

ewj said... [reply]


I hope 'GH' doesn't last forever. Wasn't 'GF' supposed to be temporary too?

Jenny said... [reply]

OK I just saw an update from a friend and she finally changed her name after being married for 2 1/2 years. So I guess you jumped the gun.

Lady Steed said... [reply]

Am very impressed with your speediness in getting the name change done. I didn't do it for maybe least three years. When I did get around to it though, I don't remember it being too arduous of a process. You're just lucky I guess.

Glad you didn't stick with Rocky Raccoon--have you really listened to the words of that song, Rocky is not the greatest guy. Though it is a good song. Theric sings part of it nearly every day. I think I have that whole thing memorized. The Big O even knows parts of it!
Gentleman Husband is very nice.

Mad Hadder said... [reply]

Changing names is the LEAST of a newlywed woman's problems. What about the a)belching (and other bathroom noises) b)double laundry c)snoring d)half closet space e)mother-in-law f)budget crises and g)mind-boggling contemplation of...eternity. Wrap your mind around THAT one, Mrs. Nem. So I just finished Vamp #2 this morning amid a pile of sunflower seeds in my bed. Same comment I had after Vamp #1--What's the big HAIRY deal????????? And YES, you AND the rest of us should be writing books.

Audra & Levi said... [reply]

My SIL has never changed her name. She just keeps putting it off. So on her baby's wristband in the hospital, it still has her maiden name. You can look up their real estate records and it is under 2 different last names, her husbands and hers. They look like fornicators... haha! Therefore her nurse at the hospital treated her like she was some knocked up teenager who did not know how to care of a baby and not like a married mother of 3! I tease her about it all the time! So it is good you bit the bullet and did it now!

On a sneak-out-of-the-dorm-and-go-to-Denny's-at-2:30am night I found out where the freaks of Provo hide. At the Dennys! Who know? I saw a girl with a goatee even... no lie!

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