Wait for it

Sorry this is short, but believe you me, I'm working on something. Last night I went to a wedding reception at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building in downtown Salt Lake City. One of GH's 3,471 cousins was getting married. No lie, I'm pretty sure he has that many. And this is without polygamy!

(Note: Before I could go into the reception I had to deal with the part where they've decided to tear up the entire street in front of the building so I had to navigate through all this nasty construction in the dark just to get there. And then the part where they made the parking lots in the underground parking way, WAY too small and so all the old people with their Buicks were taking up like 4 spaces each. Then they managed to put concrete pillars between pretty much every other space. By the time we got out of the car I was molting and in need of a stiff drink. Which of course I could not have. I settled for yoga breathing and mental swearing.)

Anyway, the reception was very lovely and the desserts bar was fabulous. The bride looked gorgeous and had a wickedawesome white silk flower/feather hairpiece instead of a veil, and all the men in the family suddenly found themselves in the uncomfortable positions of ones who were wearing baby pink ties for the first time in life. Hah. You know they secretly felt so pretty. The bridesmaids all looked great in these slightly edgy black tops w/black lace skirt combos. Also these:

Now that I'm the misstress of fashion I'm supposed to be up on stuff like this, but this was new to me. Is this a thing now? Am I going to be seeing more of this?

Tomorrow I'll be posting about Mormon Wedding Receptions and the rules I'll be institituing for such when I ascend to the throne. Until then, does anyone want to contribute the strangest sights/clothing/traditions, etc. they've seen at the many, many Mormon receptions they've been to in life?


Janssen said... [reply]

It is pretty much my biggest pet peeve (and I'll probably be shot for expressing this sure-to-be unpopular opinion) but I HATE it when the bridesmaids or wedding party have sleeveless dresses or tops for a temple wedding. What?

Hi. Am I missing something here?

Nemesis said... [reply]

Janssen, I don't believe YOU'RE the one missing something there.

Nemesis said... [reply]

I think it's one thing if your friend or relative who is not LDS goes sleeveless because hi, that's up to them and no one is going to think a thing of it.

But when it's the BRIDE who dictates the sleevelessness? Yeah. I call Tacksville.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Also? I kind of forgot to do this in the post so I'll do it here. GH's family DOES read this blog.

So please be nice even if you hate pink ties because of this one time when a pink-tied clown ruined your birthday or wedding.

Sherry said... [reply]

One time I was waiting outside for the temple for my bride and groom of choice to come out, and I got to see a lot of other brides and their bridesmaids. Most of them looked nice enough.

But there was one group of bridesmaids wearing pink dresses. Pepto-Bismol pink. And they were pretty clingy-dresses, which is fine if you are the shape of, oh, Janssen. But totally not fine if your shape can only be defined as "round." I mean, if you are the bride, and you know the sizes and shapes of your bridesmaids, couldn't you try to not make them hate you? And of course, it will be hard to get all of your friends in matching or coordinating dresses when they are different sizes, but you don't have to humiliate them by making them wear dresses that accentuate every fold and lack-of-curve.

So, not just forcing your friends to wear ugly dresses, but forcing them to wear ugly dresses that are completely unflattering. It's cruel

Also, the dresses had that weird gathering thing that looks like curtains. Which, some people are really crazy about, but I think it looks like curtains.

goddessdivine said... [reply]

Ok, my first thought with those gloves was "Madonna, Like a Virgin...." Maybe it's just that particular picture.

Mormon weddings? So many things to mock, so little time:

I hate it when guests arrive in jeans and t-shirts

Those pillow mints in a plastic cup

Tacky decorations that you borrowed from Aunt Tilly

Part of your wedding crew that weren't allowed in the temple, but are waiting outside; oh yeah, and they're dressed like they're going to an amusement park.

Blocking the entrances to temples, clogging the foyers, and speaking above temple-appropriate volumes.

Too many bridesmaids because you couldn't leave out cousins 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, OR 6.

But in all fairness, while I've been to many a tacky weddings here in Utah, I have been to many classy ones, too.

Dasha said... [reply]

Holy Land Alive. Where to begin? I think the obnoxious scrapbooking displays. The best ever was when we went to a wedding where the bride and groom's names were T**** and A**** and the poor misguided (and I'm sure very innocent and sheltered) bride had created a huge poster of pictures of the two of them with wooden letters spelling "T&A" at the top of it. At first I thought I was the only one that would get it, but I saw many a guest giggle when they walked past that display.

Other pet peeves:
-the family musical numbers. People, I realize that "House at Pooh Corner" might have special significance for you, but can you save it for fhe or something so the rest of us don't have to supress laughter by staring at the floor while you belt it out?
-Obscene amounts of gerber daisies
-Awkward ring ceremonies. Don't bishops realize that these things are just a nice little show for the non-mormons in the audience, and not another opportunity to dispense marriage advice?

Barefoot Cassandra said... [reply]

A blog about tacky Mormon weddings coming up? Oh dear heaven I KNOW (hope) none of the things I am planning for my own blessed wedding will be on this list.

Oh guess what? I saw a bride come out of the temple and have taken off her garment top, as to accommodate her naked top dress, with hefty helpings of cleavage.

amyjane said... [reply]

Yeah, remember that one time we were on the SLC temple grounds and there was a wedding party taking pictures and both the bridesmaids AND THE BRIDE were in spaghetti strap gowns? And we sat there and debated whether that young lady had in fact removed her garment top prior to exiting the temple where she just barely said she'd wear it, or if perhaps it was a nice civil wedding and they had just decided to traipse on over and take pictures in front of the pretty building? That was pretty much awesome.

Jill said... [reply]

Ditto on the pillowmints in plastic cups.

Also, why does EVERYONE seem to do a chocolate fountain?

I hate when the bridesmaids wear really lazy shirts you could be lounging in but with a really nice skirt. It looks weird.

And quilts. Always so many quilts. Maybe have just one!

redlaw said... [reply]

in regards to the black lace gloves:

those are not a thing. not that i know of, and, being an east coast intellectual and fashion snob, i think i'd know (i do read vogue, after all).

i think arm/leg warmers are good for cold weather places (like siberia). but then that would necessitate them being made of a fabric that is not lace.

that said, i would need a picture of the outfit altogther to make further judgmental comments.

and before everyone hates on me, may i say that i am excited to see that subversive black lace arm warmers made it into a mormon wedding - that is awesome. totally awesome.

Bridget said... [reply]

Huh. I think those could actually be pretty cute, just maybe not in that picture. Those look like man-arms to me.

Stephanie N. said... [reply]

i came on to rant about bridesmaids in sleeveless dresses, and lo and behold, janssen had already tackled that to death.

i also hate those ubiquitous wedding dresses with the wierd gathers. the ones that make the bottom part of the dress look like melted frosting.

99.5% of my byu roomates chose that sort of dress.


Yankee Girl said... [reply]

My complaint is directed at the guests of LDS wedding receptions. I once saw a husband and a wife attend a reception in their boy scout uniforms--so not ok--and it wasn't even one of those cultural hall receptions. So make sure your rules include something about how guests should dress.

daltongirl said... [reply]

I KNOW I've already told you about this, but any chance I get to review it makes my day.

Scarlett O'Hara bridesmaid dresses in every color of the pastel rainbow (two maternity); groom wearing an all-white tux, carrying a white cane, and wearing a white top hat; cake on a 10-ft long table in five sections--middle one with three tiers, each held up from the other with pillars, and each layer sporting either a fountain, glass temple, or Precious Moments bridal couple; white plastic stairs leading down from each side of middle cake to two-tiered cake, and then to single-tier cake, with Precious Moments bridesmaids and groomsmen standing on the stairs.

Awesome. The 80s were awesome, but not even everyone in the 80s had the guts to go all out like that.

Me again said... [reply]

OK, I wasn't actually here for this one, but just hearing about it. UGH!

My sister attended a wedding reception where the groom fed the bride cake and then proceeded to french kiss style lick some out for himself.


And hello? There are children in the audience watching with wide eyes.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Me again? I just dry heaved everywhere. Thanks for that.

Jenny said... [reply]

Nemesis, how do you manage to come up with such great conversational fodder? Sherry, whoever you are, you wouldn't have known this, but your comments about 'curtains' has left me with hives and breathing deeply into a brown paper lunch bag. Issues from the past.

Azúcar said... [reply]


Just NO.

kip said... [reply]

I went to the Mormon wedding reception of some avid equestrians a few years ago. They did this whole 30-45 min slide show presentation on how dating and marriage should be like training a horse. I guess it was geared towards us single folks in the room.

I admit that two of my bridesmaids wore sleeveless dresses. They were't members and I just gave them a color, telling them to choose whatever style they wanted. I'm glad they picked something they would wear in the future.

Nemesis said... [reply]

Kip, I can't even begin to imagine what that equestrian wedding must have been like. And I think your bridesmaids are a perfect example of you letting people do what's comfortable for them. Totally different than demanding that your little sis strip down. Although I have sometimes maybe kind of noticed that the girls who would choose such a thing generally have friends who are up for it.

Jenn said... [reply]

Ditto the comment about having 18,000 bridesmaids. It's my understanding that traditionally, the bride pays for the dresses of her bridesmaids - in which case, that is just a lot of money to spend to have matching friends in your pictures. But even if the bride doesn't pay for the dresses, which is becoming more common, what's the point of asking 10 of your friends to find matching dresses? Cuz let's be honest - bridesmaids usually do pretty much nothing. Nothing that requires a uniform anyway. Personally, I don't think I'll have any bridesmaids at my wedding. Is that bad?

Audra and Levi said... [reply]

Much to my mom's chagrin I insisted something had to be done with the back of the bridemaids dress I was having to wear to my sister's reception. It had short sleeves, but the back was too low... they added a cape type thing... it was better than it sounds. You would be proud, I stuck to my guns!

And I am very anti-chocolate fountain. The last 3 wedding receptions I went to had them and ALL the kids left with a trail of chocolate leading from their mouth down to their shoes!

Pie said... [reply]

I recently heard about this thing called a "money dance" at latin weddings, people line up to dance with the bride and groom and give them money for it (sounds like weird prostitution to me, but whatever, culture difference).

But THEN I heard about this couple in California doing it, just a couple of white kids who wanted to squeeze some extra money out of their friends, family, and everyone in the stake directory.

seriously mormons, the stake directory should not double as a guest list!

Pie said... [reply]

Ooh, I just remembered! A few months ago at church I asked a couple if they were new (I don't live in a student ward where mistaking old people for new is common) They looked a bit offended, and said they weren't and I introduced myself and let it go (turns out they were an engaged couple who wanted to come to the family ward because they were getting married soon. ???)
Anyway, the VERY NEXT SUNDAY I get an invitation to this girl's bridal shower! Yea, complete stranger inviting me to her bridal shower. The invitation was given to me by her sister who actully is in my ward and whom I had never spoken to either. I obviously did not go.

I wasn't invited to the wedding reception :( I anticipate it would have made excellent fodder for your upcoming post!

Anonymous said... [reply]

Ok, first of all, you don't know me, but I'm a little bit addicted to your blog, and this post has pushed me to actually post a comment. This is something I have always been afraid to do because, admittedly, it's a little creepy to religiously read the blog of someone you don't know.

That said, I have seen the glove things before, so the bride didn't invent them or anything. However, they were popular in France about 5 years ago, and worn mostly by teenagers. My guess is that the bride spent some time there, saw them, and thought they would be great for her future matrimony (???). I myself own a pair (black fishnet), but I don't think I would wear them to a wedding.

Also, at the risk of leaving an annoyingly long comment, I must describe the most insanely heinous and tacky bridesmaids' outfits I have ever seen. Starting at the bottom: white flip-flops; white cottony skirts, knee-length; white crew neck t-shirts; royal blue spaghetti strap t-shirts over the white crew neck shirts; black chokers with a large silvery medallion affixed to it. Mind you, this was supposed to be a nice wedding. I categorized this under "Bride fears that bridesmaids will look better than her, therefore puts them in bad outfits to make herself look better".

jeri said... [reply]

We've discussed this before but I really dislike the stack of thank-you cards left casually at the gift table so you can drop off your thoughtful present and then thank yourself at the same time.

Also one time I saw an ad taken out in the newspaper. "Bloyd and Fromilda Streeptitude would like to thank all of their guests for the lovely gift. Best Wishes!"

Invites that have "Buy gifts for the bride and groom at Target!" printed right on them. As if Target has a share in the wedding.

Receptions held in the cultural hall and there is decor hanging from the basketball hoops.

Ditto on the melted-cake dress. What is UP with that think? I know it was on the cover of the David's Bridal catalog 2 years ago but is that as far as you read?

Speaking of David's Bridal, I hate how that place has ONLY sleeveless strapless dresses in their store. So you find one that you look lovely in and have to pay 2.5 times the cost of the dress for alterations.

When half the groomsmen look nice and spiffy and the other half have paired the nice shirt with jeans and cowboy boots.

Any sort of cowboy hat as part of the wedding apparel.

Choosing to have the 'wedding cake' be a fondant-coated tower of rice krispie treats and then someone wheels out a giant sheet cake from Albertsons for the guests.

I could go on but this is getting ridiculous.

AmandaStretch said... [reply]

What a lot of people forget about weddings (no one here, I'm sure, because everyone here is right-minded and awesome) is that weddings and celebrations thereof should be a reflection of the couple and their love and commitment, not a chance to one-up their former roommates and show off to everyone they can think of. Nor does have to include everyone they can think of (like Pie's example)! So, we end up with a lot of Mormon brides that look the same, borrow each other's tacky wedding decorations, and wear bad dresses from Alysse's. This is also why the wedding industry is so out of control right now.

But those who truly do their own thing? Like Nem's red shoes, and the fingerless lace gloves (hopefully looking less like Madonna and more like awesome, but I didn't see them), or have an 8th grade prom theme (like a friend of mine just did, and rocked it) can be really cool.

So, with that in mind, I've been careful lately as to what I call tacky, because tacky is in the eye of the beholder (great discussion about "tacky" weddings can be found here: http://offbeatbride.com/2008/07/tacky). There are some things that should NEVER happen (garments stay on, as discussed, and just about everything else that's been mentioned here), but everything else I've realized that I don't like at a wedding/reception is just something I categorize as "Things I'll never do at my wedding, whenever the crap that is, but as long as this couple is happy, more power to them."

For instance:

Do not expect that your family will be thrilled to help you with all the crap you waited to put together until the last minute! They're your family and they love you, and will help if asked, but don't expect them to read your thoughts and know that you still have 3000 finger sandwiches to make in between the ceremony and the reception.

Instead of spending time catching up with family/friends at my cousin's wedding I'd flown 2000 miles to attend, guess what I did?

abby said... [reply]

I think the Madonna gloves are kind of awesome. Will the bride feel embarrassed by her bridesmaid pictures in ten years, yes but they are kind of cool. One of my friend's used cds as a wedding decoration. She and her husband met playing guitar and recorded a cd of their greatest hits together. They are both awesome singers/song writers and music is very important of them. The cds reflected who they are and that's what a wedding reception is all about. Although sometimes who you are is white trash from Lehi. :)

Anonymous said... [reply]

When you write your rules Nem, could you clarify the protocol on inviting close friends of your parents who you have never met? Would it actually be selfish to only include people I know personally, and exclude individuals who my parents have a relationship with and I don't? (see, this may have been a sticky point with my wedding, looking back I would say: I'm paying for it suckas and I will invite who I want to/actually know!)

Also Jenn: Bridesmaids= big fat waste of time, in my experience. I reused bridesmaids dresses from my sisters wedding because one of our colors was the same (and I just didn't care) but they all had children and never held their flowers, even in the pictures.

Pie said... [reply]

sorry for commenting so much, but there is just so much to say about mormon weddings.

I once was a bridesmaid at a wedding where there were five of us at the temple and in the pictures all wearing matching clothes that were actually pretty decent. But that night at the reception at least four more girls who weren't at the temple were dressed as bridesmaids too! Maybe that is how the bride got them to willingly serve the food.... but it was like bridesmaids were coming out of the woodwork, just to show how many friends one person could have...silliness.

Nadia and Jeremy said... [reply]

my pet peeve about mormon wedding receptions is when all they have to eat is a bowl of mixed nuts, mints, and maybe if you're lucky a piece of plain cheesecake. nothing screams a party like mixed nuts. in my opinion, if you're inviting people to bring you gifts, possibly expensive gifts, at least put out the frozen COSTCO cream puffs.

RubyVillain said... [reply]

When the bride wears flip-flops under her wedding gown. SO TACKY. I know every bride that does this thinks this is a cute and fun little thing to do, but seriously? You wear a gown and jewelry to make you look like an absolute princess, and then top it off with shoes that look like you are headed to the beach rather than the temple??

Years down the road, wedding pictures of brides wearing flip-flops will be easily timecast to the past 5 years that it has been a fad. And it's a fad that will die very soon because it's not timeless and classy (which brides are meant to be on their wedding day).

Dasha said... [reply]

I thought of another one! Apparently there is just no shortage of tackiness when it comes to Mormon weddings.

Have you ever seen a wedding party where the bridesmaids are wearing skanky halter dresses or something but WITH TEE SHIRTS ON UNDER THEM? Cause I have. Multiple times. And it is gross.

Also, since someone else touched lightly on this subject, I think it's pretty tacky for people to ask bridesmaids to buy their own dresses. I understand asking your friends to just wear a certain color or something, but I have heard of girls demanding that their bridesmaids buy a specific (usually expensive) dress. That's pretty much saying "I want you to be in my pictures and stuff, but you need to fork out a hundred bucks for this privilege." Ladies, if it's not in your budget, just don't have bridesmaids at all. It's not like they even do anything at Mormon weddings anyway.

heidikins said... [reply]

This post is awesome!

The general rule in my family is "wear black to weddings, funerals, and any other important event." My one sister demanded red skirts (matching) and a cream top...we all wore black and aren't in any of the pictures. Since then, the standard rule has been "wear black." It works for us and we all look great in our favorite black dress/suit.

JustMe said... [reply]

I recently attended the wedding of a young woman who had grown up in the Church but had been inactive for years. Her groom was not a member. The bride’s parent are active and the teenage sister never misses a fast Sunday without bearing her testimony about what a wonderful example she is to her siblings.

Also invited to the wedding were the current Bishop and the previous Bishop. The bride wore as strapless dress as did the teenage “I’m so LDS” sister. The bride and her attendants sat at the head table with bottle of wine, drinking and having a great time.

There was a seating chart and lucky for us, all of the Church members in attendance were sitting right by the open bar. A friend swore that this was to make it easy for members to keep an eye on each other. Mom and Dad paid for the wedding and the open bar. I guess they figured it would be fairly cheap because half of the guest wouldn’t be drinking. Oh, the groom’s mother actually asked if we were Mormon and then blurted out “Oh, they told me not to ask people.”

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