Things I learn from action movies

Saw Fast Five over the weekend because we had free movie passes to use up and the reviews indicated that it was, surprisingly, rather an enjoyable sort of effects-based summer film. Also, Dwayne Johnson is in it and I don't know what is wrong with me but ever since that man started smiling in movies I have just had a thing for him. He's just . . . he's a really good smiler, okay?

Anyway . . .

Things I learned while watching this movie:

Vin Diesel may have been out of work for the last however long, but somewhere in there he found time to get back into shape.

Have I mentioned that GH has met Paul Walker? He has. When he was on his mission, Brother and Sister Walker invited him and his companion over for dinner, and sent their son Paul to go pick them up. So there's that.

Anyway. Back to the learning (spoiler alert, I guess):

If you are a pregnant female, you will only experience morning sickness once, just to telegraph to the audience that you are indeed with child. After that you will be fine and can go around racing cars and jumping off roofs and wearing belly shirts like it's nothing.

If you drive a car off a cliff and then jump out of the car in midair and fall for a several hundred feet and then land in water, you will totally live and will not be hurt at all.

During a movie like this, it is a contractual obligation that someone must use the phrase "One. Last. Job."

In a fistfight, Vin Diesel would totally be an even match for Dwayne Johnson, who has about 6 inches and who knows how many pounds on him. (Note: In this scene Vin Diesel must have been standing on a refrigerator box.)

Giving Dwayne Johnson a nasty chin beard and spraying him down so that he is constantly sweating while everyone around him is all cool and matte and breezy will totally work in muffling his charisma.

Abandoned warehouses are super easy to come by when one is planning a heist. And none of the neighbors will wonder what's going on when suddenly there are all these cars and people coming in and out of a formerly abandoned warehouse.

In one scene, Dwayne Johnson can intimidate an entire crowd of gun-wielding baddies into standing down just by pulling out his OWN awesome gun. But 45 minutes later in the movie, when the opposition are all holding super sissy guns, he won't even try.

It is an easy thing to sneak out of a country carrying millions in cash. Anyone can do it!

I'm sure there are more. If anyone here has seen it (or, you know, any other action movie ever), feel free to chime in!


Kim said... [reply]

I'd been talking about how I wanted to see Water for Elephants since I learned it was going to be a movie, right? We even had free tickets! So last weekend when we finally got to the theater I asked my husband what he wanted to see (knowing he'd say WFE, right?) he said Fast 5. I was actually okay with that because I love, LOVE Paul Walker. Love. I also love action movies where you get to laugh at how utterly ridiculous they are. The scene where they drive the car off the cliff and land into the water and are perfectly fine had to be my favorite.

All in all, I think it may have been a better choice that WFE, considering I'm afraid that one will ruin the book for me.

I can't believe your husband has met the great Paul Walker. And I'm happy to know the rumors of him being LDS at least to some degree are true.

goddessdivine said... [reply]

Soooooo jealous that your hubby has met Paul Walker. HOT.TIE. (Which I'm sure is what your hubby was thinking.)

I saw the flick opening night, because well, I'm a FF fan. I really liked this one. And yes, we noticed that Dwayne was "sweaty" the entire time. We also figured that he has maybe been friendly with the steroids lately because, um, he's a lot more muscly than usual. Personally I thought it was pretty realistic how Brian and Mia could jump down a few stories, through a metal roof, and walk away unscathed. ;-)

I hope you stayed for the end of the credits. A return of Michelle Rodriguez? Whoa baby. FF6--kinda excited.

Bridget said... [reply]

I honestly didn't really know those two guys were two different people until you posted the picture of them together.

I love bad movies when they are enjoyable. So fun!

Katie E. said... [reply]

So my uncle is Steve Young. He is lawyer in California, was quarterback (in high school), and never attended BYU or played professional football. This is similar to your Paul Walker story, right?

Great post!

Nemesis said... [reply]

Katie E., my Paul Walker story is totally real! He was filming the first Fast & Furious movie at the time. And no, I don't think he was active LDS anymore but he still did what his mom and dad asked him to. :-)

Audra said... [reply]

My beef with action movies is someone can be shot at by 10 different people with machine guns and never be hit. Then they pull out their handgun, shoot once or twice, and knock off the other person. Amazing. And just the general thing of 2 hours of being shot at and you never get hit once.

Mom of 12 said... [reply]

I'm a Vin Diesel fan too, but I like him in The Pacifier...where it's mostly kid-appropriate. It seems like most of the action movies are the same...that's why I like Jackie Chan. At least he's different.

jeri said... [reply]

It is also a truth of action movies that you can jump a car like, a hozillion feet, crash through a mobile home, land it smoothly and drive off in a cloud of dust and testosterone.

Also the bad guy will survive 52 times and be able to have the final showdown with Our Hero (who will have some decorative bloody scratches on his arm and cheeks.) This showdown will always take place in some abandoned industrial place with hanging chains and lots of steam. I'm pretty sure every Showdown has been filmed in the same place - the director just varies the size of the chains and the amount of steam.

Jenny said... [reply]

Hudson wants more baby pictures. He doesn't care about smiley pants Dwayne Johnson.

Emily said... [reply]

Also, in action movies, they never shoot the tires of the car that is trying to get away. But, wouldn't that seem sensible? That's what I would do. (Except that in Utah I wouldn't, because then I would be cited with unlawful discharge of a firearm. But, you know.)

Katie E. said... [reply]

Sorry to have doubted you, Nem.

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