I got a call from the library recently, letting me know that there was a book on hold for me and I needed to come pick it up. The title was Finding Colin Firth.
Me: "Um, I think there may be a mistake. I didn't put that book on hold. It sounds awesome, but I've never heard of it."
Library staff: "Well, it has your name on it."
Me: "Really? Uh. Okay then!"
My guess is that one of the other librarians saw it and figured I would want it if I knew about it and so went ahead and put me on hold. This is why librarians rule.
And I did enjoy the book. It was a sweet read about three women whose lives converge one summer in a gorgeous seaside town in Maine where Colin Firth (of whom they are all big, big fans) may or may not be coming to film a part in a movie. Also one of the women bakes really good practically-magical pies, which I always enjoy.
When first we meet the pie-baking woman, she is at home baking while simultaneously watching the Colin Firth BBC version of Pride & Prejudice, and the Wet Shirt Scene keeps making her mess up her recipe. As it would. A few pages later, she gives all her attention to the cinematic moment she has been waiting for, where Colin Firth utters these immortal words:
"If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."
SCREEEEEEEEEEEECH. (Or whatever sound the record needle makes in that one sound effect.)
Yeah. Anybody else know what's wrong here?
Colin Firth never SAID any of that blubbery stupid "I love, I love, I love you" mess. That was all 2005 Matthew Macfadyen to Keira Hipbones Poutyface McKnightley in the field just before the weird hand kissing nonsense. Jane Austen never wrote any of that, Andrew Davies never wrote that, and I refuse to believe that Emma Thompson had anything to do with it either during the uncredited re-write she did of the script.
It jolted me out of the story so completely that I had to stop reading and do this massive rant to GH, and then call my sister Jenny and tell her about it too. Just, wow. FAIL.
And now that I've told the Internet about it too, I'll let you all get back to your Mondays. Mine consists of toilet training. Go ahead and envy me. I've got carpet cleaners coming on Wednesday, so I figure now is the perfect time to get pee everywhere.