I decided to stay married, though.

This year my siblings exchanged names for Christmas really, really early because the theme is Handmade. We don't have to hand-make the thing, but somebody has to. (And that person should ideally not be a 4-yr old in the Philippines.) So I was talking to GH about my plans for gift-giving, and how I'd like to get things done as early as possible. In the middle of my prattling, he makes this plea.

GH: Please don't ever buy me a tie as a gift. I mean, if you see a tie you want me to wear and you buy it for me, I'll wear it. But I don't want ties for Christmas or my birthday. Or socks. Or anything practical. I only want IMpractical gifts.

(As if the Jack Bauer statuary hadn't tipped me off a little bit there.)

Later that night . . .

Me: So, now that ties and socks are out, what's on your Christmas list?

GH: (laughing) Christmas is forever away, I don't know what I want.

Me: No ideas at all? Isn't there anything you already know you want or need?

GH: Well how can I know what I want for Christmas? The ads aren't even out yet.

And that's when I blinked rapidly and probably made the face that Amyjane says I make for a second when someone has said something I find horrifying or stupid, before I manage to get it together and attempt a (really inadequate) poker face.

Me: Um, are you serious? You have to have the ads TELL you what to want? And then you end up asking for things that you were blissfully unaware of until the advertisers informed you that you need them?

GH: Something like that, I guess.

Me: I love you. But you are everything that is wrong with America and possibly the world.

I relayed this conversation to Jenny and Ed later, because I was still so flabbergasted at the thought that I married a man who willingly buys into The Christmas Machine.

Ed: Wow, he wait for the ads to decide what he wants? I always just go for the practical stuff I already need so I don't have to buy it for myself.

Jenny: Wait. HE DOESN'T HAVE A LIST???????

So yeah, Christmas should be fun times! I think a good way to teach GH about the True Meaning of Simplified Pretentious Hippie Christmas will be to make his gift out of newspaper, hemp, and love.

Does anyone have any good ideas? Or have you been given awful handmade gifts that I could use as a model?


Science Teacher Mommy said... [reply]

The list might be worse. About three years into our marriage I realized that Plantboy kept a running list of all the things he wanted. (Most of these things said "North Face" or "Patagonia.") I said, "Wait, you don't keep a list of things you want to buy for others, just things you want people to get for you?" He made the face. You know the face. The whats-the-big-deal-face-and-while-you're-at-it-quit-acting-like-a-harpie face. If you haven't seen it yet, you will.

DanaLee said... [reply]

Like you even have to ask! MAKE HIM TARTS, in the pan! You should even make him some sort of tart shaped gift certificate listing various types of tarts so he can pull one out and request a tart on demand. If I could link back to the tart post, here is where I would do it.

jeri said... [reply]

For Christmas one year, Joe got one mitten. ONE! His aunt said "these are really nice mittens - and they were on sale!" Really? Was it... 50% off?

So you could knit him one mitten?

Cicada said... [reply]

Get him a Chuck Norris action figure so that he and Jack can do battle while no one's looking.

OR, you can commission Murray to paint a life-sized nude of you to put in the living room. Except that I don't know how Murray would feel about painting you naked. Sorry. You can have him do a life-sized nude of ME for your living room. Except I don't know if he'd be okay with that being showcased in someone else's home. I'll have to get back to you on gift ideas.

daltongirl said... [reply]

He didn't say you couldn't MAKE him a tie.

CoolBoy said... [reply]

@ Cicada: Wow, that was slightly more disturbing than the original post.

To the point: I can see GH's perspective on this one. He's gotta know what COOL stuff is coming out before he can make a good decision. We can't all be as resourceful as Jenny and have a birthday list in March and an updated Christmas list by December 26th.

As for practicality vs. impracticality, I'm poor enough that I'll take anything I can get to make me more attractive to the opposite sex. If clothes will do that. Rock on. If a haircut will do the trick, just throw the gift certificate my way. I'll take whatever helps my chances, be it practical or not. That's how I see it.

On second thought, whoever has me can totally give me a gift certificate for a good pedicure. Does hands-on count for hand-made? They can give it themselves if they like. But if I bleed...there will be words.

Also, I forgot who I have again. Is it GH or Dave?

Nemesis said... [reply]

Yeah Coolboy, you have GH. I can give you some ideas if you email me.

abby said... [reply]

I think wrapping yourself in a roll of cellophane would be all he would really want for Christmas. If you want to be festive wrap yourself in red and green. It's cheap but it might rot in a landfill for awhile.

Anonymous said... [reply]

My husband likes to not listen to everything I tell him I want or need and gets me a giant bubble bath gift set instead (last Christmas in fact).... I really don't know who has it worse here. But I think daltongirl is right, you should make him a tie. That would be hilarious!

Kristeee said... [reply]

I got nothin'. My hubby won't make me a list because he can't really think of anything he needs -- although if he does, he goes out and buys it himself, usually within a month of a holiday. It's pretty annoying, and he gets some lame gifts because of it. One fun thing I've been able to find is here (I'm assuming that GH reads the blog, so GH, please don't follow this link!).

chosha said... [reply]

I think you should combine too of those ideas and instead of wrapping yourself in cellophane (which would be cold at Christmastime) you should just wear a tie. That would be a very fun way to give him a tie, and you are newlyweds after all...got to have a few Christmas shenanigans, no?

Actually I like danalee's idea best so far, given the tart pan post.

[Notice how I'm just blocking out the whole 'horror that is commercialism' aspect of the post?]

Dave said... [reply]

Somebody has to say it-
Sorry Nem, but I'm pretty sure that you are the one with the problem here.
Did you ever stop and think that maybe GH doesn't know what he wants for Christmas because he doesn't care. Because he already has everything he wants. Ei: job, car, apartment and smokin hot new wife. So now he is perfectly content.
Or maybe he's too busy thinking about all the ways he wants to spoil and pamper you instead of what he wants for himself.

Jeez Nem, you got it so rough.

coolmom said... [reply]

I was going to comment on Jenny's above average aptitude for making wish lists, but coolboy beat me to it. Coolboy could also teach GH a few things about clipping coupons, providing rebade applications, and providing internet links to his wants.

Anonymous said... [reply]

I always thought that if I have to tell you what I want, you don't know me well enough, or care enough about me for me to want a gift from you.

Lady Steed said... [reply]

Oh my. That is very very disturbing. You have some serious reprogramming to do.

I think you should make him a tie rack.

Mad Hadder said... [reply]

A puppy. Always in good taste.

i i eee said... [reply]

Sounds like someone is a product of mimetic desire.

Watch out, GH, or you'll find yourself getting overpriced crap from Brookstone.

Nemesis said... [reply]

HAH! ii eee, he totally drags me in that store to look around.

Nells-Bells said... [reply]

Haha! I have to laugh because that is totally my cousin. But, at the same time, I think he is on to something. I think this is how the whole sock/tie thing got started. Women were saying (in September), "What do you want for Christmas?" And the men were saying, "Um...I don't know. I will wait until Christmas eve to let you know what I want." And the women (since this totally makes them mad and all riled up) just buys the socks and ties to make sure the men know this is what they will get for the next eternity unless they decide EARLY on what they want. :)

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