The Future of You Being Lame on Facebook

I just read The Future of Us last night and wrote a Goodreads review (2 stars) but realized there was still more I wanted to say about it. Here is my expanded review!

I really wanted to love this book--I love the premise. High-school junior Emma logs on to AOL for the first time in 1996 (using one of those CD-ROMS that came in the mail, remember those?) and sees her future Facebook page. Thinking it's a computer virus or something, she calls her friend Josh over to look. Once they determine that this is real and not a glitch or elaborate prank, they both become obsessed (wouldn't you?) by the details of their future lives, which change based on even the small decisions they make now. Emma's future self doesn't seem happy, so Emma is frantic to change her trajectory, whereas Josh is blown away by his future (rich and married to the most beautiful girl in their high school) and doesn't want to do anything that might jeopardize it.

I'm the same age as Josh and Emma, so I enjoyed the references to "life in the olden days" (Scrunchies, Discmans, figuring out this whole "World Wide Web" thing). I also liked the way the authors address the idea that your future is always static, and that ultimately we need to make the choices that make sense for our current lives and choose to be happy now, rather than moving so rigidly towards what we assume will be our perfect, happy future.

I think part of my problem with the book was Emma. If I were her, I would be LESS concerned about who she marries (in her future she keeps being stuck in what appear to her younger self to be loveless marriages) and MORE worried about not becoming the annoying whiner FB makes her out to be. Judging by her future updates, we have:

Texting & surfing the Web on her phone while driving
Complaining about her spouse & airing their dirty laundry
Really vague posts meant to invite questions (haaaaate)
Using the word "hubby"
Choosing the "It's Complicated" relationship status
Still loving "Glee" in 2012, after the show stopped being any good

I now need to go look at my Facebook page and see what my 16-year-old self would have thought of it all. Off the cuff thoughts:

1. Oh my gosh, I don't get married until I'm almost 29?? I did go to BYU,  right? What on earth went wrong? Was I in a coma for 8 years? Cute husband, though.
2. Curly hair? But the bangs and the long hair that takes 50 minutes to blow dry straight was really working for me!
3. Um . . . what's with all the F-words? And how is there even such a thing as a "Mormon Feminist"?
4. Look at all these pictures! I must spend a fortune developing film!
5. Knitting? Okay, granny. Everyone knows cross-stitch is where it's at.
6. I lived in England? Twice? Okay, that's awesome.
7. Librarian? Wow, looks I really embraced that spinster track, didn't I . . . 
8. Wait, DEMOCRAT??? Why, did something happen to the Republicans?? (Answer: kind of)
9. Wow. I have the two most beautiful boys in the entire world. I'd better get going if I'm going to have 4 more.

What about you? What would your teenage self think if they saw your Facebook profile?  

Half-priced tickets to the Utah Shakespeare Festival!

I know it's late, but here is my report about last month's trip to the Utah Shakespeare Festival. (Hint: skip to the end if you are just here for the "half-price tickets" part. Or if you want to read that first.)

Highlights:

The company. I went with my friend JJ (we are old Festival buddies at this point) and this year had the added bonus of Desmama. I always have such a wonderful time being around these two women (separately and together). I mean, there is the part where Desmama reads really super trashy books*, but I'm a true friend so I don't judge. The nice thing about going on a Girls Only trip is that you can do things like drive to Wal-Mart at 11pm because you have just convinced one member of the group that not only can she wear dark blue nail polish, but she is going to. Also you can buy and eat like 9 tarts all together and nobody thinks that is excessive at all. Somebody wants to go back to the hotel and change into something pretty before the evening play? Let's ALL do that!



The food. Did I mention the tarts? Because they figured prominently in our adventures. (As did my growing bottom.)


We also hit Lefty's Hideout for some tasty Mexican food and The Pizza Factory for pizza, pasta, bread sticks, and salad. I shared my tip for getting the most out of the salad bar. You put the dressing on BEFORE you are completely done, and that way your last few toppings like the grated cheese and sunflower seeds and peas will stick to the dressing and not just roll down the sides of your heaping salad plate. You are welcome!

The Renaissance Fair. This was going on at the same time, so we checked it out. JJ crossed "riding a camel" off her bucket list:


We watched a belly-dancing performance (the little guy in the wrap was hilarious because every time his mom spun around he started giggling):


And what I thought was going to be a nice little photo op in the stocks turned into me being stuck there while people threw wet sponges at me:


Never trust Germanic men in leather pants. They are trouble. And possibly they will squeeze a wet sponge down the back of your neck and it will run all the way down to your underwear and make it look like you peed your pants in the back. Upside is, I haggled a vendor into selling me a jingly hip scarf thing at a discount to cover up the huge wet spot.


And now I shall take up belly dancing. Take that, Germanic guy.

Shakespeare First Editions. On loan from the Folger Shakespeare Library in Washington DC, the library on SUU's campus had this cool exhibit that included some first edition quartos and folios. It was insane to stand there and look at a copy of Romeo & Juliet that was over 400 years old. We couldn't take pictures inside the exhibit, but the special collections area was beautiful and peaceful.


The plays. We bought tickets for three of the plays beforehand--The Glass Menagerie, The Music Man, and A Midsummer Night's Dream.

The Glass Menagerie was very well done, and the actors were all great, but it was still Tennessee Williams. So you just knew it wasn't going to end well for people. And it was at 2pm in a cool theater after our early morning and long drive so . . . there might have been a tiny bit of dozing off happening. Oops. I even moved us into some empty seats in the orchestra section after the intermission but it didn't help. (That's my other tip: From the nosebleeds you can get a great view of the empty seats in the front. Make a beeline for them as soon as intermission hits, and then sit knitting like the own-business-minder that you are.)


That night we saw The Music Man. I've seen the 1960s musical once and to be honest it didn't do a lot for me. So I went into this performance not expecting very much but looking forward to my BF Brian Vaughn as Harold HIll. It was wonderful, though. I hadn't realized how funny it was, and during the finale I could not wipe the delighted grin from my face. The choreography during "Marian the Librarian" was perfect, and for days afterward I kept humming and singing "76 Trombones."



The next morning we stopped by one of the Actor's Seminars where the actors who played Romeo in Romeo & Juliet (directed by my other BF David Ivers) and the mother from The Glass Menagerie were speaking. It made me want to go see Romeo & Juliet, but it wasn't going to be on again before we left. Except by that point I just could not STAND that I was missing Noises Off! so we bought tickets for the afternoon performance and went.

Michael Frayn (who is brilliant) wrote this as a play-within-a-play. In the first act a group of actors and their director are struggling to get through the dress rehearsal of a comedy called "Nothing On," and everything is going wrong. The second act occurs later in the tour with a view of backstage, when morale is down and personal bickering and backbiting and relationship angst between the actors has escalated. The third act shows us the front of the stage again, months later, as everything and everyone is falling completely apart. I saw the 1992 movie version first in high school, which I thought was okay but kind of crude. I watched a friend in a community theater version at the Springville Playhouse a few years ago. But I knew that I could NOT miss the chance to see what this festival could do with such material.


And oh . . . friends.

I laughed so hard that my cheeks ached afterward. I shrieked like a hyena. Not even kidding. If it is at all possible, you need to get down there and see it. My only complaint is that there were SO MANY hilarious things happening all over the stage that I knew no matter where I looked I was missing something that somebody else was doing. If it had been possible to turn right back around and pay another $30 to see it again (and then sneak into the $46 seats during admission) I would have.

That night we watched A Midsummer Night's Dream in the Adams outdoor theater, which is always a treat. And speaking of treats, there were more tarts. They did a great job with this play. The sets and costumes were cool and the acting was loads of fun. The physical comedy was hilarious, especially during Bottom's play-within-the-play at the end. I may have shrieked some more at that part. Also I got to wave at goddessdivine, who was on the other end of the theater with her group.




Now for the good news. Tere are still seats available for all the plays, and the festival is running some discounts to get them filled. If you go online and book an evening performance for The Music Man, The Glass Menagerie, or Noises Off!, you can enter the coupon code BOUNCEBACK11 or HOTAUGUSTNIGHTS to get 50% off your tickets! I would love to drag GH down there to see Noises Off! and maybe The Music Man but I don't know that we'll be able to swing it. The summer season ends Saturday, September 3rd.

And just so you know, Noises Off! runs through the fall season, along with Dial M for Murder starring David Ivers. That's September 23rd through October 22nd. So you have no excuse for missing it!



* Sigh . . . fine. She doesn't read really super trashy books. I just like to say that she does.

Bridal Veil Falls and me being an old fart

Recently we had some of the first sunny weather since I do not remember when, so I made the executive decision that we would go experience some outdoors. We drove to Provo Canyon to see Bridal Veil falls and met much of the Utah Valley population there. I dipped my big toe in the water at the bottom of the falls and it promptly turned white and fell off. So don't ask me what kind of bionic toddlers they've got here who were splashing around like it was nothing.

Two good-lookin' guys.

The Provo River, looking very rapids-y.

Bridal Veil falls. Told you they're obsessed with marriage here!

Just the cutest baby ever, that's all.

When it started to look like rain, we went to the very cool Blickenstaff's toy store and looked around. They have a phone booth filled with imported British candy and I got myself a Cadbury Whole Nut bar. (The REAL kind of Cadbury, mind you, not the Hershey-created imposter. I shake my fist at you and your ways, Hershey.)

We also grabbed a Clark Bar and an O Henry bar, because we'd never tried either. My verdict? Enh. The Clark Bar was a lot like a Butterfinger. Neither were as good as a Dairy Milk. Because the bathroom at The Shops at Riverwoods didn't have any kind of changing facilities, (really, The Shops at Riverwoods?) I changed the Tiny Dark Lord's diaper on the grass in the middle of the pedestrian area. Grass on his nekkid bum was a new experience for him, but he bore it nobly. It wasn't very crowded so I don't think anyone even noticed what I was doing. Which is too bad, because I was all prepared in case anyone decided to have a go at me.

I had a Groupon for Sammy's Cafe in Provo, so we went there for dinner and sat outside. Now . . . this is the part where I betray myself. I realize this place is cool. It's this little hip hole-in-the-wall spot just off Center Street. They play the loud music and have the cool art and sponsor bands and have Polaroids covering the walls and name their burgers after local personalities and the people who work there have feathers in their hairs. I get it.

Only . . . it was really dirty. Does it have to be dirty to be cool? There were no other customers when we went showed up, and yet the counters and tables had not been wiped down. The floor didn't appear to have been mopped in days, if not longer. GH saw an employee lick their hand after giving a customer a melty shake. (And yes, I'm going to assume this person washed said hand before doing anything else, but dang. . . )

The people who worked there were very friendly, but it took a while to get all of our food ready--it seemed like the cook could only work on one thing at a time. So first we got our fries, and then a few minutes later we got GH's burger, and then a few minutes after that I got mine. And the food? I really wasn't that impressed. It could be that we didn't order the best things (we both just did the "Make Your Own" burgers). But our burgers were tough, and when GH realized that he was eating bread & butter pickles instead of dill this look of bewildered hurt came into his eyes. The fries were good, and the pie shake (we got the Mint Oreo Pie) was tasty but nothing to write home about. I think the ones at JCW's are much better. (Note: the ones at JCW's are also huge. Get a small and share it. I'm not kidding.)

So yeah. Maybe people go more for the atmosphere than for the food. Or maybe they know what food to order. Or maybe they just love hearing Chris Brown at higher-than-healthy volume levels. Or they like to boost their immune system by sitting in other people's crumbs. As for me, I think I'll just find some kind of old-person cafeteria and start going there for dinner around 3:30 pm, thank you.

My camera and the computer are fighting, so I don't have any Cedar City pics to put up yet. But here's the brief trip recap (eighty-seven years later).

We got to Cedar City and checked in--we stayed at The Anniversary House, just a block or so away from the festival. The owner, Nan, was incredibly nice and even fixed us up a special tray with sparkling cider, champagne flutes, and chocolate-dipped strawberries as a "Happy Anniversary" surprise. She also had chocolate cake and goodies out in the dining room at all times along with a fridge full of bottled water and sodas.

The mistake we made was in scheduling an evening play during our one-night stay. So we didn't really get to appreciate the room, or the treats that were sitting out, or the DVDs you could borrow. Instead we staggered in around 11:30pm, were too full from dinner and the summerberry tart at intermission (mmmmm . . . tarts . . . ) to give the chocolate cake more than a glance, went to the room and crashed because we knew we had to be up for breakfast at 8:30am. Poor planning on our (read: my) part.

The play was great, though. We saw Much Ado about Nothing in the outdoor Shakespearean-style theatre. But first we watched The Greenshow. It was Irish Night, apparently. (Unofficial title: Where two guys will do cheesy comedy in quasi-Irish accents until 5 minutes in when they forget to do the accents anymore.) Scanning the crowd, GH spotted a group of attractive, 20-something Mormon-looking girls.

GH: "Hey, that's you and your friends, isn't it?"

Me: "Yep, pretty much."

GH, still looking around: "Aaaand there's another group. And another one . . . and another one." He was starting to laugh at this point.

Me: "Yeah, it's called being cool and coming to the Shakespeare Festival with your friends. It's what cool girls do."

GH: "Wow, I should have been coming here all these years with my guy friends. Who even knew this was the place to meet all the English major girls?"

So, guys, now you know. Cedar City in the summer is the place to pick up the smart chicks. And the competition shouldn't be too fierce, since we checked out the guys who were there in groups and let's just say that not many of them seemed . . . that interested in the women around them. Just saying.

Anyway. Back to the play.

The production was great. I'd show you a picture of the stage, but apparently it's copyrighted and one of the ushers made me promise to delete the image from my camera. Don't ask me how you copyright grapevines . . . but whatever. I love this play because I love me some Beatrice/Benedick romantical sparring action. I've seen it a couple of times before onstage and I've seen the Kenneth Branagh film where they somehow thought Keanu Reeves could play a villian (bless his heart, you need facial expressions to be villianous, sweetie . . . ). GH had never seen this play before, but he really enjoyed it after the few minutes it takes to get your "translate from Shakespeare" gears moving.

I must say that David Ivers is sort of replacing Brian Vaughn as my Shakespeare Festival boyfriend. Between his role as Benedick in this production and the 100+ characters he played in The 39 Steps the next day, he was kind of a rock star. Everyone else was good too and I got a tart during intermission. 'Nuff said.

Then came the staggering back to the b&b and the passing out. Breakfast the next morning was quiche, sausage, melon, juice, and coffee/tea/hot chocolate. I enjoyed the quiche and melon but skipped the sausage because it did not appeal, as it resembled a greasy pre-packaged hockey puck. I very thoughtfully made hot chocolate for both GH and myself, but didn't realize that the hot water kettle wasn't turned on until GH took a sip of his. Woops.

There was a pregnant woman and her mother at our table for breakfast, so as soon as her mom and GH left the table (one to go put on makeup and the other to get a few more minutes of sleep) she and I immediately began talking the pregnant talk (specifically, What Is Even Going On With Our Boobs). It's amazing how the commonality of being pregnant means that you're suddenly chatting gaily away about nipples with someone whose name you don't even know.

After checking out, GH and I drove up to Cedar Breaks to see the lookout. Then after way too much ice cream at Maggie Moos it was time for The 39 Steps. It was funny, but I swear it wasn't as funny as some people thought it was. The play opens with Brian Vaughn sitting in a chair, doing a mildly amusing opening monologue about how bored he is with life. And so help me, there were people shrieking with laughter at pretty much every single line. I have no idea. Were they just so happy to be out of their homes? I felt like I was caught in one of those 1970s British sitcoms they show late at night on PBS where Judi Dench does something completely normal like blinking and they blare the laugh track up to 11 and you're just imagining all these sad supposed British people falling on the floor in the studio audience, gasping for breath. And you wonder what must be so very wrong with their lives.

That said, the play was very funny and cleverly done. There were only 4 actors. Brian Vaughn played the lead, a 1930s British man named Richard Hanney who is plunged into a world of intrigue after a mystery woman shows up, mentions important government secrets about to be stolen out of the country, and is then murdered in his apartment. Three other actors (Carol Linnea Johnson, Aaron Galligan-Stierle, and David Ivers, my boyfriend) play all the other parts. At one point David Ivers played a loud, swooping, over-the-top landlady and did his absolute best to make his costars break character. He got Johnson--she had to turn her face away from the audience to try to compose herself. But he couldn't get Brian Vaughn, even when he brushed his large false bosom across Vaughn's arm flirtatiously. Because that is called professional, madame. A lot of the laughs came from the way they handled the set, which was very sparse and deliberately low-budget-looking. Characters in wheeled chairs were pushed onstage by unseen hands, deliberate set-changing goofs were included, that sort of thing. There were also lots of Hitchcock references and in-jokes, which were fun to spot. And there was one cell phone ring. Of course.

After the play it was time to head home. Our trip was over too quickly, I think. In a perfect world we would have stayed another night and watched Pride & Prejudice, which also got a lot of good buzz. But it was still lovely, and I believe GH had a good enough time that I could probably convince him to go back with me.

Gentlemen Broncos review

The other night GH and I went to a free advance screening of Gentlemen Broncos, Jared Hess's latest film. I will start by saying that the pre-show experience was somewhat spoiled because I was sitting next to a woman in her 60s who was, inexplicably, speaking loudly in a fake British accent with her companion the entire time. I know it was fake because 1) it was awful and all over the place, and 2) she would occasionally drop it to discuss things like "how those Mormons control everything here." She commented on my knitting bag (Britishly, referring to the British china patterns that it resembles) and in our brief conversation I was so very tempted to ask her what part of England she was pretending to be from. But I haven't worked in public libraries for the past several years without learning a little something called "Do not engage with the crazies."

Seriously. Just don't.

But now on to the movie.

The basic premise is that a nerdy small-town home-schooler named Benjamin (Michael Angarano) submits his sci-fi manuscript to a contest while attending a fantasy writer convention. One of the judges is the pompous Chevalier (Jemaine Clement from Flight of the Conchords), a famous author who is going through a dry spell. Under pressure from his publisher to produce something new, he appropriates Benjamin's work, makes a few changes, and submits it as his.

And there you go. The plot. A bunch of other stuff happens too (like a local homeschooling duo who turn Benjamin's story into an awful movie just as Chevalier's new novel is being released) but it's not very interesting.

Now, I liked Napoleon Dynamite. I thought Nacho Libre was amusing, but not my favorite. This film I liked not at all. It is not surprising to find toilet humor and boob & gonad jokes in a science fiction manuscript written by a 15-year old. The problem with this movie is that it seems a 15-year-old boy may have been at the helm for the entire thing, because all told we had . . .

. . . Count 'em:

Regular Vomiting
Projectile vomiting
Kissing immediately after vomiting, resulting in vomit chunks on the mouth of both actors, resulting in me coming quite close to dry-heaving
Explosive diarrhea (from a python, no less)
Poisoned darts dipped in poop
Poisoned poop-dipped darts that are accidentally shot into a woman's breast
Sci-fi characters ingesting "yeast cakes," which strongly resemble cow pies.
Sci-fi boobs that shoot lasers
Sci-fi boobs that shoot bombs
Sci-fi sight gags involving surgically-removed testicles
Sci-fi bobcats eating said surgically-removed testicles
A female sci-fi character inviting a male sci-fi character to visit her "yeast cavern." You heard me.

It got old.

Also, remember how in Napoleon Dynamite you had a bunch of odd-ball small-town characters who were still, for the most part, believable? Yeah, not so much with this one. The quirkiness is taken so far as to be practically grotesque--from Hector Jimenez's creepy perma-grimace as Lonnie, the wannabe filmmaker, to Jennifer Coolidge "fashion designs" that make her seem completely delusional. (Note: Jennifer Coolidge got the shaft here and she deserves better. Woman gets a dart in the boob, for pete's sake.) There's just no one to really root for, here. Protagonist Benjamin is such a passive wimp that by the time he finally stands up for himself it's hard to care anymore.

Highlights, however, include Jemaine Clement as the pompous, plagiarising Chevalier. I perked up for all of his scenes.



Sam Rockwell is good (if slightly unrecognizable) as Bronco/Brutus, the sci-fi warrior imagined by Benjamin and then renamed and "turned into a tranny" by Chevalier. The science-fiction scenes based on Benjamin (and, later, Chevalier's) imagination were entertaining, involving things like missile-mounted deer. And the opening credits were fun, in which the cast and crew names appear on the cover of 1970s sci-fi paperbacks.

But yeah. Not really worth seeing, unless you're a Jemaine fan--in which you should just rent it and only watch his scenes. I am much more excited about next week's release of The Fantastic Mr. Fox, in which George Clooney will do dapper, daring things with a minimum of poop.

Now I am a movie critic too, because I can do pretty much whatever I want

And today I wish to discuss the movie 500 Days of Summer.


I do realize it's already been reviewed by both Handsome Gentlemen and cool Jet-setters. But I want to chime in too, dangit. Because it was wonderful.

Like the awesome-voiced narrator tells us in the very beginning, "This is not a love story. This is a story about love." It follows Tom, played by the surprisingly n adorable and charming Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Tom is a 20-something young pup who studied architecture in college but now has a job creating copy for greeting cards. He believes in destiny, fate, soaking it up in a hot tub with his soul mate, all of it. He meets new receptionist Summer (GH's GF Zooey Deschanel) and, on the basis of her attractiveness and their similar taste in music, decides that she's The One. Unfortunately, although she likes Tom, Summer does not actually believe in love, or marriage, or soul mates. Tom is so infatuated with her, however, that he . . . chooses to kind of ignore this. Until she breaks up with him and he falls completely apart and is determined to win her back.

First off, I would like to say kudos to a movie that actually casts two people in their 20s as romantic partners, with the kinds of jobs and friends that people that age would actually have. This instead of pairing 29-year-old Zooey Deschanel with, oh, I dunno, 47-year-old Jim Carrey and then pretending like the 20-year age difference doesn't even exist. Way to suck, Hollywood.

This movie was pretty much perfect, I thought. It was funny and sad and real--oh my, was it ever real. In fact, there was one point in the movie where Tom stands up and makes an impassioned speech in front of his coworkers about three-fourths of the way in. That was the first time I ever thought, "Um, but would a person really DO that?" That's how I know that I was watching something that was 500 times better than your (sub)average recent romantic comedy. Because those movies expect you to suspend your disbelief before you even leave your dang house. In any other romantic comedy the impassioned speech would have come from Matthew McConaughy to an entire ballroom of people, during a wedding, and maybe he would be naked and holding a pillow over his bits, and then at the end of the speech everyone would be crying and clapping and curing cancer and adopting tiny spicy exotic babies left and right. In this movie there was none of that mess.

The filmmakers did some really clever things that I think worked extremely well. The narrative isn't linear but instead flips around, with title cards letting you know which day of the 500 Days you're on. It makes sense, though, and leads you through the story in a way that is really quite moving. And it also made me want to watch it again to see which little moments and call-backs I could catch better the second time around. One great visual involved a split-screen device that shows Tom's expectations of a reconciliation with Summer on the left and what actually happens on the right. Heartbreaking, but also very funny.

This movie also contains the most sublime moment I've seen on film all year, which occurs as Tom walks through LA after spending the night with Summer. I won't describe it to you, but I was giddy with delight. What happens is not based in reality at all, but the feeling it portrays most definitely is. And the soundtrack is great.

There were other scenes, however, that resonated in a different, slightly painful way. Because I have done some of the things Tom does here. I have been in relationships where I saw every insignificant little thing as further evidence that this guy and I were MFEO. I have been unwilling to recognize red flags. I was unwilling to actually listen to the words this person was saying and to realize that perhaps they did not bode well for our future together. I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was just setting myself up to be heartbroken.

A few days after seeing the movie, GH and I listened to a podcast featuring one of the film's two writers. He talked about how in test screenings, the people who loved this movie the most were men. And how men are, unfortunately, the least likely to be the ones running out to tell their guy friends that they have GOT to check out this new romantic comedy. Except GH did because he's secure (and hot) like that.

It's true, though. He laughed even harder than I did and there were moments during Tom's angst and dejection and misery where GH just nodded his head and said, "Yep." And then I'd lean over and stroke his arm and whisper, "I'm really, really sorry. Remember how I married you in the end, though?"

Editors don't get paid nearly enough

Part of my job at the moment is to do all the purchasing for the library, and one thing I look at is the New York Times Book Review bestseller list.

Number 1 for last week is Book of the Dead by Patricia Cornwell. I went over to Amazon but saw that it has received 102 customer reviews with an average rating of 2.5 out of 5 stars. Which, ouch. Then I saw the first customer review and I absolutely had to share this bit with you. Props to eagle-eyed Top 1000 reviewer Terry Matthews, who notes:

Between pages 65, 66 and 67, Cornwell writes

"...he's done the unthinkable."

"...he might be capable of the unthinkable."

"...not if he did the unthinkable."

"He may have done the unthinkable."

"...she hopes ... that the unthinkable hasn't happened."

"Assuming he's done the unthinkable..."

What's *unthinkable* is that this mess got through the editing process. Is there no one brave enough to stand up and say, "Miss Cornwell, this won't do. Bring it back when it's worthy to print or get a ghost writer."?

Wow. That is so, so very awesome, especially when you consider that "unthinkable" is pretty much a word you use when you don't know what else to say but want to sound all dramatic. And to use that word 6 times in three pages? Means you were suffering from a pretty big mind fart. I think I'll hold off on this one. If people as for it I could always show them the bad reviews and ask, "Are you sure?"

You did ask

So you may remember that I kind of trashed on the preview & promotional material for that film Anxiously Engaged (previously released as Picadilly Cowboy), which is currently being marketed mostly to LDS audiences. And then the director pretty much asked me to watch it and say what I think. So I watched it. If you want the short version of the review, go ahead and read Desmama's.

Young buck Carson Wells (Jaelan Petrie) is this LDS Montana cowboy working in London for a beef company. The film opens with shots of him being all cowboyish and bad-hair-having and different from the dour Londoners around him. He proposes to Lucy (Kate Foster-Barnes), his English girlfriend of two months. She says yes and takes him home to meet her grandfather & ask for his blessing. Grandfather (James Green), who has been fretting over the lack of matrimonial prospects for his other, older granddaughter, sees this as an opportunity. He makes his consent conditional on Carson's ability to find someone for Gemma (Sophie Shaw), the 29-year-old hopeless case. Carson thinks this is insane but agrees--in part because Grandpapa turns out to be Carson's boss at the beef company. He also promises not to tell anyone about their deal, but spills it in the next scene when he elicits coworker Alice's (Gwyneth Powell) help with the big Man Search.

I like that Ford Films set about making a film that, while featuring LDS characters, was not meant to be so inclusive as to alienate viewers of other faiths. I also like that it was set in London rather than in Utah. A common temptation is to turn LDS movies into one big Mormon in-joke (yes, I'm looking at you, Singles Ward). Sad part is, while people watching Anxiously Engaged won't be alienated, they may likely be bored.

I blame this absolutely on the script. It's like the film doesn't know what it wants to be. The set-up gets you ready for a comedy, but it doesn't really follow through with the humor. Carson and Alice's attempts at finding Mormon men for Gemma have some good moments. Middle-aged Alice creates a fictional character on a Mormon dating website, and Carson interviews a motley crew of LDS men for Gemma. These conversations and scenes are funny and have a good rhythm, but there aren't enough of them.

There's a lack of focus--plot and subplot elements get picked up and abandoned right and left. Suddenly we're slammed with Carson's previously undetected relationship issues. (Would someone who has lost faith in the concept of families suddenly dive into engagement after knowing someone for two months?) Then it's about company intrigue and embezzlement. And now let's spend some time with sassy coworker Alice's attempts to give up smoking and start jogging.

Character development is thin and sporadic, with some characters reduced to stereotypes. Lucy is introduced as an amazingly shallow girl who calls Carson to task for not housing her engagement ring in a better box. They have zero chemistry and don't even seem to like each other. Carson is supposed to be this charming good guy, and yet there are a couple of times when he treats Lucy and Gemma with unbelievable condescension. Sophie Shaw as Gemma is absolutely darling, and is quite patient with Carson and Grandfather's attempts to meddle in her life. I spent most of the movie wanting her to push all the idiots around her into the Thames and be done with it. Sadly, she does not.

As for the Carson/Gemma relationship, I didn't totally buy it--partly because I think she deserves someone better, and also because we didn't get to seem them together very much. Carson swings back and forth between insulting her and paying her compliments that are really not appropriate between future in-laws. The "find Gemma a man" plan seems to get abandoned pretty soon, once Gemma catches wind of it and tells Grandfather to stop. But then, in an unexplained move, Carson sets her up with his jerky non-LDS boss Nigel and behaves as though she ought to be grateful (he actually says to her, "it's not like you've got a lot of options"). Gemma only smiles at this, rather than slamming his head in the fridge door like she should have. The only reason I can see for the Gemma/Nigel pairing is that the scriptwriters needed the villainous boss to worm his way into the family so that he could proceed with his nefarious plans. And so that Carson could eventually be jealous.

Which brings me to another thing. When convenient, the scriptwriters seem to twist and outright ignore reality in order to create the scenes they want.

Example: Gemma starts having feelings for Carson, and wants to get together to talk with him before she leaves for her new job in Paris. (In this movie, one can get a job offer in Paris, decide to take it, and then leave the next morning.) She leaves messages on his work phone, which he doesn't receive. Carson runs through Waterloo station at the end, looking for Gemma before she boards her train. Know what's funny? Neither of these characters have cell phones. This, to me, is just blatant insanity. You find me two working professionals in London who don't have mobiles and I will take off my own shirt and eat it. I can just imagine the writing sessions:

"So, then Carson is running around through Waterloo station looking for Gemma."

"Um, wouldn't he just call her? She would have her cell phone with her. And why didn't she just call his cell when she was looking for him? Then he would have gotten the message."

(All the sane people leave the room at once for a bathroom break.)

"Crap, didn't think of that. That doesn't really create tension, though. Okay, let's have them not have cell phones."

"Sounds good. I bet lots of 20-something Londoners don't have cell phones."

(Sane people come back into the room.)

"Hi, did we miss anything?"

"Nope."

Here's the thing, people. Twenty-something Londoners have mobiles. English grannies have mobiles. Pregnant teenagers who spend their evenings standing around in front of McDonalds have mobiles.

So. There you have it. I'm leaving out a bunch of silly little nitpicky things, but wanted to touch on the main problem I had with the movie, which was the screenplay and its lack of focus and believability. The actors did a good job with what they were given, so it's not their fault. I like the fact that Ford Films is trying to branch out with a more international mindset, and by focusing on families and relationships that include a more diverse mix of religions, which is more realistic anyway. I just wish those things had added up to a more interesting movie.

Story #1 from the weekend

I'm going to have to separate these, because there is so very much to tell. You can see some pics of the Bday weekend on my sister's blog.

First story is that once I got back from Provo I cleaned out the, no lie, 800 million emails in my box. I've starred the ones I need to reply to, I've sorted out my folders, I am now the email inbox dominatrix.

Remember the post I wrote last week about that LDS movie that I thought looked really stupid and had a ridiculous premise? Yesterday morning, during the Gmail domination, I found an email from the film's director.

Yeah.

Here is what it said.

Hello Miss Nemesis,

It was great to read your insights on my film. I look forward to reading what you have to say about the film once you've seen it. Good or bad.

Best,

Tyler

So . . . that was unexpected. And I possibly may have stopped breathing a tiny bit. And then gone back to read what I did say about his movie. None of it was very nice, even though most of my ire was directed at Deseret Book for not knowing about the name Gemma. I wrote back to thank him for his email and said that once I've watched it and posted a review I'll be sure to let him know.

The lovely Desmama has offered to procure a copy so that we can get right on that.

This is me whimpering at my desk

And not in the good way. In the bad, bad, I am a wide-eyed woodland creature whose fluffy bunny foot is caught in a trap and I'm being held over a shark tank way.

A lady came in to ask a question about LDS authors, so I went to Deseret Book's website to see if I could find what she was looking for.

I saw this:


The London background intrigued me, so I clicked on the link and read the following description:

Anxiously Engaged: A Piccadilly Romance

First he found a fiancée, then he fell in love.

Carson Wells is a good-natured Returned Missionary from Montana who is engaged to a trendy girl from London. But before he is allowed to take Lucy to the temple, he must first find a husband for her sensible, older sister Jema. One by one Carson's attempts to find a worthy suitor for Jema become more than he bargained for as his feelings for Lucy begin to change. Anxiously Engaged is a bright romantic comedy where two culturally different people find love in an uncommon way.

There are so, so, so very many things wrong with this that I don't even know where to begin.

First of all, since when do we capitalize returned missionary?

Also, what is even up with the movie's premise? Who exactly sets those conditions? Who is it that decided some sassy English girl needs a Montana hick to find her a man? I just read that it's her grandfather who makes that a condition. Also, is said sassy English girl actually going along with this sexist bit of awfulness? I'm sorry, but I would kick my grandpapa's false teeth right out of his head. My brain is leaking out my ears at that one.

And the name Jema? Were they possibly thinking of Gemma, which is an actual English name? (Note: Just checked on IMDB and the character's name is Gemma, not Jema. Freaking Deseret Book.)

I don't know where this thing was released in theatres, but apparently some people have seen it. The family who commented on the IMDB page have seen it four separate times. Which means they must live in a cactus or something where there's absolutely nothing else to do.

Maybe I should track down a copy and watch it this weekend with my sisters. We haven't gone into a full on harpies-from-Macbeth rant in a while now. Might be funs.

PS. There's an official website with a trailer, which I haven't watched yet. Will be getting right on that.

British Man Candy, continued

A couple of weeks ago I watched Under the Greenwood Tree. You remember I'd been worried about this one since it was written by Thomas Hardy. I didn't want to watch some movie where the bodies of disenchanted, disenfranchised villagers get piled up under the greenwood tree. (Side note: during a Study Abroad we went to Thomas Hardy's house in the countryside and I wondered how anyone who lived in such a beautiful place could write such depressing things. But it turns out that he can do light romantic comedy as well, so that's something.)

The movie is relatively short at 90 minutes and it's more a sweet story about village life & intrigues than grand big passions. The pretty schoolteacher moves into town and three men fall for her. That's about as complicated as it gets. But there's lots of fun local flavor. Also, there's this one part where the hero is shirtless, which, like, never happens in these movies! So that was kind of awesome if only for the novelty of the thing.

Anyway, moving on.

Ever since watching North & South I've had a thing for Richard Armitage. So when I found out he's in the BBC's new series "Robin Hood" I ordered it for the library. And then took it home. Because that is what is called perks, madame. Anyway. Armitage plays the broody bad Guy of Gisborne. And ohhhhh, does he play him well.

It's just too bad that he isn't in a better show. It's pretty cheesy, and the actual Robin Hood kind of bugs me. A lot. He looks like he belongs in a boy band rather than in Sherwood Forest, and he's way too "Oh look how cute and cheeky and smirky I am with my 12-year old self!" You know it's bad when you wish that Robin could just die already so that the evil Guy can drag Marian off into the woods.

Weekend report

Am back from the Utah Shakespearean Festival in Cedar City. So much fun. It was just this wonderful revolving door of plays and food, food and plays. What could be more glorious?

First let's do quick mini-reviews of what we saw:

Lend Me a Tenor is a new musical based on an older play. The basic premise is that an opera company in 1930s Cleveland is putting on Othello and have paid the big bucks to get a famous Italian tenor to come sing the title role. First he's late, then he gets sick, and then he kind of seems dead in his hotel room. So the sweet geeky manager Max (played by Jered Tanner who is my new geeky boyfriend) gets roped into impersonating the tenor so they don't have to cancel the performance. Hijinks ensue.

Review: The first act was absolutely, wonderfully brilliant and hysterically funny. I didn't know how they were going to live up to that/surpass it in the second act. Turns out they kind of couldn't. And some of the songs are a bit forgettable. But it was still loads of fun and I'd definitely recommend seeing it. The hope is that this play will get picked up by Broadway. I don't know if it will or not, but best of luck to them if it does.

Twelfth Night came next and was really good. My new bf Jered played The Fool and had a hilarious belly-dancing scene. Other highlights: Michael Sharon, who I'd seen before as Lancelot, played Orsino and is my second new bf. I didn't fully appreciate The Hotness before. The is possibly because Lancelot never stripped off and hopped into a fabulous blue-tiled tub. And because I was too busy noticing Brian Vaughn as King Arthur. Brian Vaughn wasn't there this year, though. Not sure what's up with that.


King Lear was, of course, depressing. But the good kind. I think the other title should be "People Make Bad Choices and then Kind of Get What's Coming to Them, While Other Good People Just Get the Shaft." Dan Kremer as King Lear was great. Shelly Gaza as Cordelia kind of bugged, which is odd because I really liked her in Twelfth Night just a few hours earlier. Goneril and Regan were just nasty wicked. Also the bit where they gouged out Gloucester's eyes was really well done and awful. I had to close my own eyes for it.


Another really, really big highlight of the festival was that I did not hear one single cell phone ring during any of the performances. Some of you may remember about the last time we were there. Possibly word got out that I'd smuggled bricks in my bag and was going to launch them without remorse at the heads of anyone whose phone went off.


Getting fresh with Will. Don't worry, he liked it.


Spitfire and I goofed off in the gift shoppe until one of the ladies at the counter did the Big Sigh of "I hate my life and I hate these girls even more." But then I asked her a couple of questions and bought a poster from her, which I think strengthened our relationship considerably. The gift shop is fun because it gives you a hint of the kind of people who come to these things. The merchandise seemed geared toward three distinct audiences:

Shakespeare/Theater Lovers (books, plays, posters about Shakespeare and acting)
Rabid Anglophiles (imported English chutneys and candies)
Goth/Medieval people (fairy & dragon posters)

The first night we drove up the Canyon to Cedar Breaks, which is beautiful. Check it out:



And that was my weekend. I'm already thinking about which plays I want to see next year.

Indian Oven review

There are about a billion different things I want to blog about, and one of these days I'll get myself organized enough to do it. Today, you're going to get a restaurant review. Yes, now you can even get restaurant reviews here at Voice of Reason. A few people have asked and who am I to deny The People?

Shortly after I moved here I got asked out to dinner at the Indian Oven here in Logan. Afterwards we went to the Rock Haus and climbed and I actually did okay until the end when I was stuck about 3 miles up at the way top of the wall and the poor guy belaying down below couldn't hear me yelling that my arms were about to give out and that I wanted to come down now and let me down, curse you and all your family!!!! and so by the time he did understand that I wanted to come down I was kind of a mess. But that's neither here nor there. And no, he never asked me out again.


The best thing, to me, about the Indian Oven is that it's located inside a Sinclair gas station at 720 East 1000 North. You walk in and to the left is a shelf full of Indian market items (and some Cadbury stuff--woo hoo!!) and a door that leads into a small (like 8 tables) dining room.

That first visit I was impressed. The food was great and the service was even better. They do this tomato soup that is quite likely the best I've ever had. It's made with coconut milk and Indian spices and I would pretty much bathe in it if I could. The spinach soup is good too, but didn't cause me to make obscene sounds the way the tomato soup did. At the end of the meal our server asked if we needed to-go boxes. I said yes, and he brought out a box full of new, fresh, hot rice. So, yeah. They're pretty much my new BFFs. It's run by the Singh family and on my way out one of the owners chatted with me and told me a bit about how they got started--they moved up from Salt Lake to Logan a few years ago.

I went back a few weeks ago with a friend to try and introduce him to the glory that is Indian food. We got the buffet, which turned out to be a tiny bit of a mistake. It's a great value ($6.99 or $7.99) and had a lot of variety, but my favorite things weren't out there. They did have chicken tikka masala, which he liked, but some of the other entrees were a bit bland. So I felt like he wasn't getting to try the really good stuff.

And then Cicada and Murray and The Boy came up for a wedding and we all met up there for dinner. My faith in the place was restored. Everything was wonderful, hot, and fast. Cicada and I both agreed that the quality of the food was comparable to the Bombay House in Provo. Sure, the ambiance is a little bit different, but I think that adds to its charm.

Here are some of the dishes I've tried there, and they've all been wonderful:

Lamb Saag
Saag Aloo
Chicken Coconut Kurma
Lamb Tikka
Chicken Tikka
Chicken Makhani
Mango Lassi
Spinach soup
Tomato soup
Vegetable pakora
Plain naan
Garlic naan
Sweet naan
Raita--I like this a bit thicker than they serve it, but the flavor is still good

Entrees are between $8-$13 and the Tomato Soup of Love is $1.99.


naan and chicken tikka masala photo from www.fotosearch.com
Mango lassi photo from www.whatscookingamerica.net

Traitor to my generation

I watched Rent a few weeks ago and have been meaning to say a few words about it.

My reaction? Meh.

Maybe if I'd seen it on the stage when it first came out I would have felt differently--I dunno. It came out when I was in high school and everyone made such a fuss over it. I'm sure part of the appeal was that it dealt with issues (like HIV and homosexuality) that hadn't really been addressed in contemporary musicals.

But here are my gripes:

I didn't love the music. Only a few of the tunes (like Seasons of Love, Tango Maureen, Out Tonight) actually stayed in my head after the movie was over. Also, I just like Tango Maureen. I like tangos. I like how they executed it where suddenly everyone's dressed all swank and tangoing in a ballroom. And Idina Menzel is my favorite anyway.

I don't love Adam Pascal's voice. And his long hair was lame. He looked better in the flashbacks where he was short-haired punky androgynous boy.

Maybe I just can't get into the thing because I've never been an HIV-infected young unemployed person in New York. Except I've been able to identify with other characters that were completely, completely different from me. I seriously felt like I'd become a cane-wielding old woman on a porch, shrieking, "Get a job, you punks!" Because really, they don't pay rent! And they think they shouldn't have to even though they're living in this huge loft that people would pay millions for. And we're supposed to admire them for their stance.

When Roger doesn't want to start a relationship with Mimi, his friends all act like he's the biggest jerk ever. But I'd think that if his last serious relationship was with an HIV-positive drug addict who died, it would actually make sense for him to avoid starting another one of those, especially with a girl who seems so completely reckless and oblivious about how to take care of herself. So yeah, I thought that was actually kind of right-thinking of him. Also? Shut up, Rosario Dawson. And put some clothes on.

Taye Diggs is the character you're not supposed to like--the one who sold out to The Man. Of course, I liked him. (If they were going for unlikeable then they should not have chosen Taye Diggs. I'm just sayin'. That man would have charisma if he were dead.) As I watched I kept thinking, "What! He's got a 5-year plan, people! He's the only one of you who is actually doing something! Also? He's just hot."

I think a big mistake was that they cast most of the original Broadway actors. Sure, they're great, but they're also in their mid-to-upper 30s now. It's harder to buy them as young struggling idealist kids who think they'll live forever and Only Need Their Dreams. Instead I wanted to yell, "Dude, you're 40! Don't you think it's time to grow up?"

Because I'm a giver

I got the following comment/request last week:

OK totally off subject. I haven't read your blog for a few weeks and found the "holding out for a hero" video very entertaining. But wait! I don't recognize some of those people! I thought I had seen most everything out there. So, please have mercy on me and help me compile a list of movies of that genre that haven't seen yet! Thanks! -a loyal but anonymous reader.

How can I refuse such a request?? I give the people what they want. Especially if what they want is my most favorite thing ever: Sumptuous Literary Adaptations. (See also: Regency Man Candy. Or Victorian Man Candy.)

Here are the movies featured in the Holding out for a Hero video as created by YouTube user (and my kind of girl) loony29.

Sense and Sensibility (1995) -- Brilliant, brilliant movie. Emma Thompson was nominated for Best Actress and won for Best Screenplay. She basically wrote the thing and got all her friends & neighbors to come be in it (Hugh Grant, Hugh Laurie, Imelda Staunton, etc.) Which, really, sounds like a fabulous idea to me. Remind me to do that. Kate Winslet snags her first of many Oscar nominations. Ang Lee directs. Hugh Grant minces around with a riding crop up his bum. Alan Rickman purrs that one line about the aaaair being fuuuullll of spices, which makes me pass out in my chair. Good times all around.

Mansfield Park (1999) -- The Austen purists hate this one. But it's hard to have much sympathy since the novel actually did need a bit of spicing up. I don't think it necessarily needed boobs, but oh well. Without a bit of artistic liberties, all you would really have is a movie where the heroine spends all her time going, "But that would be wrong!" What you get instead is a great movie w/some fabulous performances--especially Alessandro Nivola as Henry Crawford, who is supposed to be the bad guy but is so darn hot & appealing that lots of women wish Fanny had just gone ahead and picked him anyway. I'm not in that camp, but I understand that some women are.

Northanger Abbey (ITV 2007) This is the one that premiered on the telly in the UK this year and will be making its US debut on Masterpiece Theatre, along with the new Mansfield Park and Persuasion. You can watch it on YouTube now, though, if you can't wait til then. Which, let's be honest, I couldn't. The heroine is Catherine Moreland, who has a very active fantasy life from all the trashy gothic novels she reads. This movie includes one of the sweetest first kisses I've ever seen. It'll make you giggle it's just that precious.

Persuasion (ITV 2007) Okay, seriously? I have already talked about this movie, and if you people keep not watching it then we just can't be friends anymore. Really. It is absolutely wonderful. And I swear that Rupert Penry-Jones (Captain Wentworth) gets hotter and hotter every time I see him. Last time there was steam rising off my body. Go here now and start watching it.

Mansfield Park (ITV- 2007) Haven't seen this one yet and I understand it's the weak one of the three. Also the guys are hotter in the 1999 version. I'm just saying.

The Phantom of the Opera (2004) This was included in the video but I personally don't count it as a must-see. Even though Gerard Butler is smokin' hot and I have thought so ever since I caught him in a late-night Masterpiece Theatre airing of The Jury way back when.

Under the Greenwood Tree (2005) Thomas Hardy adaptation, haven't seen it yet. But I know now that I must. With all haste. Only it had better not turn out to be depressing like the rest of Hardy's stuff. Watch the heroine die under the Greenwood Tree.


Daniel Deronda (2002) I've only caught bits and pieces of this one but what I saw was great. Need to see the whole thing. Victorian costumes = good. Hugh Dancy = goooood.



Jane Eyre (2006) You may have already read my thoughts on this one, but to sum up: Best Jane Eyre Ever. All the other versions can just go home and cry. Ruth Wilson is perfect as Jane, and she even gets to pass out in one of my favorite spots in England. I can absolutely, absolutely get behind Toby Stephens as Mr. Rochester. Yes, he may be too hot. But do you see me complaining? Do you? I respect the filmmaker's craft!!!


North and South (2004) Before you start thinking that I've lost my mind and developed a Patrick Swayze fetish, this is not the North and South that is the miniseries from the 1980s about the American Civil War. At all. It's about the North and South of England, so right there you know it's going to be better. I finally saw this one in the last month, and Oh. My. Gosh. You need to watch this. Richard Armitage plays John Thornton and is amazing. His character makes a bad first impression (which is a departure from the book, movie people) and I didn't know how they were ever going to get me to like him. They found a way--by the end I couldn't decide whether to cry happy tears or make out with the TV screen. Watch out for the "Look back. Look back at me." scene. I dare you to keep it together.

So. Those are the ones from the Hero video. Other notables in my book:

Pride and Prejudice (1995): Duh. This one is pretty much The Mothership.

Pride & Prejudice (2005): Great, even with Keira Hipbones Poutyface McKnightley in it. Especially great for when you need a P&P fix but don't have 5 hours for the "real" one.

Persuasion (1995) Classic and wonderful . . . sigh.

Bleak House (2005) Haven't seen it yet, but it's next on my list and I already know I'll love it.

The Emmas (1996) One stars Gwyneth Paltrow and the other Kate Beckinsale before she turned plastic. They're very different & pick up on different things from the book, which is why you should watch both.

Our Mutual Friend (1998) Very long, but very good.

Twelfth Night (1996) The movie that first made me love Toby Stephens. You'll see. Also I've been to his castle, which means we should probably just get married already.

Great Expectations (1999) Horatio is in this movie. That is all you need know.

The Horatio Hornblower films (1998, 2001, 2003). Horatio is in these, too.

The Forsyte Sage (2002) Horatio is in this but he dies. I don't want to talk about it. The whole movie is kind of tragic.

Wives and Daughters (1999) Haven't seen it yet but want to. The novel is by Elizabeth Gaskell, who also wrote North and South.

Happy Monday, everyone!

update: I forgot to add these to my "want to see" list:

The Way We Live Now (2001) starring Shirley Henderson, Matthew Macfadyen, Cillian Murphy, and Miranda Otto.

He Knew He Was Right (2004) starring the very cool Bill Nighy

Middlemarch (1994) Rufus Sewell. That's all that needs to be said, really.